Christmas Eve Reflection

Christmas should be a joyful affair but somehow I am being overwhelmed with negativity. Physically, I am still tired after not getting proper sleep on Friday. The whiskey with 50% alcohol which I tried very little out of curiosity somehow made me feel more tired than usual. The constant changing between rainy and super hot days as well as the crowd outside are making me more irritable even when I am just going out out of necessity e.g. to go to church and to buy lunch. Mentally, I am preoccupied with my house leakage and renovation matters. I just finished figuring out the electricity matters and quotation yesterday and this morning I tried to read more about flooring as I have no idea if parquet or vinyl overlay will be better.

While feeling an utmost sense of irritability, I was suddenly struck with this thought on my bus ride home: how did Mother Mary never complain or get angry at the so-called God's plan despite having to ride a donkey and finding no room in the inn while heavily pregnant? That shall be my reflection this Christmas. I am always angry at God for my imperfect and full-of-suffering life. I question what His plan is and why even bother creating me and letting me live the live I never wish for. It is a reminder that even Jesus and the Holy Family did not have an easy life. Looks like I have no other way than to suck it up and ask for the graces required.

For we do not have a high priest who is unable to empathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet he did not sin. Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need. (Hebrews 4: 15-16).

True to myself

Last year I was pissed about peer review that I swore I would just put 3 or 'average' for those that I would be getting this year. After all, what is the point of being nice while others are so bitchy? When the time came for this year, I just could not bring myself to do so. I see no point being bitchy over something which takes up only 5% of the whole performance review. Furthermore as an appraiser myself, I know that appraisers are not that particular for the peer review while those being appraised think that it is a huge thing and the bitchy ones use it as an avenue to bring others down.

As expected, the scores I received average at 3+. I honestly think it is rather useless because the people reviewing me are only sharing perhaps 10-20% of my workload. Hence, whatever they see or think is only based on so little of my actual work. Unlike last year, I did not get so worked up about it this year. I simply told my boss "It is okay.", even when she comes from the angle that she does not want people to have negative perceptions about me. I am proud that I withheld myself from being an ass and said something alone the line that the proof my work is my outputs and not acceptance from others. Hahaha..

After all I am never supportive of this peer review nonsense thingy. I am not going to give it any legitimacy by getting too bothered by it.

Does it mean I have grown wiser?

Or am I simply getting older?

Or perhaps I simply cannot be bothered.

Malnutrition

I just had my first health screening since I changed job. Yup, this is the first one in almost 6 years. Knowing how terrible my diet has been thanks to COVID, I am worried if I have damaged my body's metabolic functions. Thank God that my blood pressure, my fasting sugar and my cholesterol levels are still in healthy range, similar to how they used to be. My diet is also successful as I am below 60kg even at their weighing machine. It is my first time with measurements of waist hip ratio and body fat percentage. While they are both are also at the healthy range, I know I still have belly fat which I want to get rid of. 

It is ironic that I still feel fat and aim for another 3-5kg loss when the health screening result suggests that I am having malnutrition. My urea is low which according to the remarks in the report may be due to malnutrition, decreased muscle mass or liver disease. With normal liver function test in this same screening and I have never been muscular to begin with, malnutrition is the only reason left. Anyway, I will aim for the ideal weight first before thinking about increasing protein intake. After all, I am still struggling with potato chips and bottled sugar drinks.

One thing for sure, I am staying away from protein drinks or shakes. Getting enough protein from diet is rather tough since I avoid anything with bones i.e. chicken, fish and pork. At most I will eat char siew and roast pork (even roast pork sometimes contains bones!) once a week. With beef almost impossible to find in hawker centre meals, I am left mainly with carbs and vegetables. Even then, I am consciously cutting down carbs and try to have the bare minimum only to avoid having gastric.

I am honestly impressed that all the blood test and urine test results are ready within the same day. I skipped the stool test since I cannot imagine having to scoop my own shit. Anyway I had colonoscopy in 2021 and the result should be good for at least one decade before another screening for colon cancer is required. Only abdominal ultrasound report is pending but I was already informed that this one would take a bit of time. Let's see if there will be any surprise.

I finally managed to attend Advent Penitential Service at Novena this evening. Thank God for stopping the rain as rain was my excuse to skip my original plan to attend at Holy Spirit and the replacement plan at Cathedral last week. Of course the evil one has been tempting me not to go since I just went for confession less than a month ago and that it is quite pointless to go since I will sin again.

It is also quite discouraging to keep confessing the same sin and hearing similar advice from the priests repeatedly reinforces that the problem is with me. Nevertheless, I am reminded with an article I came across previously that it is normal to struggle with the same sin instead of having new sins each time.

The most interesting thing was the priest telling me to treat myself to a good meal for dinner just as I was about to leave. I did not tell him anything about diet so it was like God speaking through him that I better pay attention to my malnutrition health screening result. Haha.. So I had donki for dinner and I tried to get protein through chicken karaage which normally I would not consider if not for 20% off. Unfortunately, it is so so and not something I will consider repeating so finding protein will be tough... Lol.

Choosing Interior Designer

I took afternoon leave today to drop the Cashier's Order at the law firm. That is the last legal step required of me to complete the whole house purchase matters and all that is left is to collect the key next week. Outside the legal realm, there are so many things to settle and they are driving me crazy. I just settled the electricity and water matters with Singapore Powers on Monday and I will need to officially inform StarHub for my future broadband. I do not know how it will be with the ceiling leak matters haiz... But one thing at a time. The other thing I finalised today is confirming the Interior Designer (ID) for the renovation.

There are so many horror stories about ID and it is really not a smooth journey. There are so many ID and ID firms out there -all with their shares of positive, negative, or non-existent feedback- that it is hard to even decide where to start. Because I am lazy, I only shortlist ID firms whose location are near my place. There are actually quite a lot around the vicinity and I only contacted those seemingly reliable from the feedback.

Initially I contacted (via email or their website 'contact us') four and only one replied me. I am not surprised because I sort of predicted that IDs will prefer bigger projects (i.e. bigger house) so they can earn more. Anyway the one who replied me ended up ghosting me and never gave me the promised appointment. I also did not chase since I did not want to appear that desperate. The contact I received from my church friend also turns to be only a contractor.

I contacted additional two IDs who surprisingly replied me within a few hours and I discussed further with them. The third one is from my friend, who is my property agent, when I asked if he had any contact. I am not gonna mention the names since I think at this stage, it is mostly personal about the ID rather than the firm.

ID 1

This ID is friendly and motherly but unfortunately, she was totally unprepared for the first meeting. Prior to the first meeting, I already showed her the video of the unit which clearly she did not bother to open. She did not give any ideas and everything that I suggested was "can". After giving first quotation, she became rather eager although I already mentioned I would only make my decision by certain day.

I did not choose her because of the timeline. She said she would require about 2 weeks to draw after she took a look at the place and then the carpenters can come to measure in January.

I was not too anal about pricing because I understand this kind of business will mark up here and there. I am okay as long as the total price is still reasonable. What turned me off the most is dishonesty. While carpentry cost is comparable, her marked up prices for the clearing of debris, protection sheet, etc was up to 50% of the other quotations I receive. I told her this before the final quotation. After she prepared the final quotation, she said she cut down those but she actually marked up the carpentry pieces which are already there in the first quotation. Hey, I look quite gullible and chinchai about a lot of things but that does not mean I am stupid and never do my research or never study the quotations hor.

ID 2

This is the one recommended by my friend. There is little information online since the firm seems to focus more on office and establishments, rather than residentials.

He did some homework and prepared some design ideas. He floated the idea of switching the living room cabinetry to be along the kitchen cabinetry, which is the opposite side from the illustration in the developers' floor plan. That wall is slightly longer and will give a more spacious feel with all the cabinetry jutting out from the wall is only from one side instead of from both sides. He also showed his spatial awareness when he discouraged building cabinetry at the foot of the bed since the walking space would be too narrow. He is right since when I measured the walking space in my current room, it is even wider than what I would end up with my suggestion.

Unfortunately other than that, the rest is red flags. At the end of the meeting, he asked me to find some pictures of what I had in mind because I sounded like I was not sure with what I wanted. Erm.. it was more like he could not visualise what I wanted. The only unusual thing I want is to modify the space usually for TV in the living room wall to become a working area. In other words, instead of to put TV, it is for me to put laptop to work. When I said I wanted a study in the bedroom, he asked why I wanted to have two study which sounded like he was lazy to think or modify the living room cabinetry according to my request.

He asked for a week for a quotation and he was late. Because he was introduced by my friend, I asked for an update and urgh.. The area I said to leave blank for keyboard/organ was changed to a study area, which made me suspect he did not remember what I wanted. He added some cabinetry at the head of the bed (which I did not ask) and the study in the bedroom was against the bed instead of against the wall as the picture I sent him. While the carpentry charges are comparable, he has so many miscellaneous charges that others do not charge e.g. professional fees (for drawing, choosing of tiles, materials,etc) and workers insurance.

I am trying to be positive.  Instead of thinking that he wasted my one week, it made me check with others if they would also have any hidden fees. The others said workers insurance would not be required or charged to me since the scope of the workers' work at the unit for my project is very limited (i.e. only installation and painting). There are no professional fees since everything that the IDs do is already somewhat taken into consideration to the other charges. With that, I just ignored him. I see no point asking him about these charges which are already $3000 and I am lazy to to discuss about change in quotation since some things are not according to what I want.

ID 3

She is the most on-the-ball as she actually scrutinised the video I sent prior to the first meeting. She even noticed that the wardrobe door in the bedroom is not sliding and hence my idea of building a study area next to bed may not be workable. The table maybe too small since after taking into consideration the space for the wardrobe door to open. Hence I agree with her point that might as well get a table as furniture, rather than to build. It will also be more flexible in case I want to change my bed from super single to queen next time.

During the second meeting when discussing the first quotation, she even showed my floor plan in her 3D modelling programme and the proposed cabinetries just to ensure that we were on the same page. She prepared two versions for my toy cabinets: light vs dark theme, and she created the model for living room cabinetry according to what I want: working area where the usual TV area is. When I asked about flipping the living room cabinetry to be next to the kitchen, she also thought it was a better idea. She noticed from the video that there is a beam at the living room wall where the TV cabinet is indicated in the floor plan. Thus creating a cabinet there means either the depth of the top most row will be narrow due to the beam or the cabinet height will only be until the beam thereby creating a space between the ceiling and the top of the cabinet which will collect dust.

We still had few rounds of discussions and the quote was revised until version 6 haha.. That is what I mean with on-the-ball as she quickly updates the quotation as soon as as change was agreed upon. Unlike the first one, the changes are only with the things that we discussed upon. In addition, she tried to keep the total within 20-21k by modifying the goodwill discount.

Sadly, lies and deceptions are part of business. Initially she said that she somewhat has 3D drawings ready for me and hence measuring can start as soon as I get my keys. These whole thing changed after I signed the contract -_- She said due to time constraint, she would only provide me 3D drawings for the toy cabinets and living room cabinets first. She also suddenly remembered that she has to attend wedding next Saturday after initially saying that measuring can be done on that day. Oh well, what can I do? I already signed the contract and overall she is still the best choice out of the three. Not as if I have other options.

That summarises my ID choosing experience. Everything is settled within 2 weeks as I simply do not have the patience to shortlist so many IDs and I want to quickly get things over and done with. I am so easygoing and chinchai as a customer so I hope this ID one will not disappoint and give me problems and force me to be Karen.

I went to Orchard gym today and bought shumai before going for daily Mass. Only after finishing the shumai I realised that daily Mass is shorter than Sunday Mass so I would break the 1 hour fast before Communion. I was in a dilemma deciding if I should receive or not. Since the timing to attend Mass was just nice, skipping was not part of the consideration. Lol. Thank God that since today is a Solemnity of the Immaculate Conception, the Mass was held at the main Church. In addition, being a solemnity means it is almost similar to a Sunday Mass: Gloria (even during Advent), two readings and Gospel, the Creed as well as incensing. By the time for Communion, it was already past an hour since the last shumai was swallowed. Lol.

Whether it is is coincidence or God's plan, today is the third time that completion of a process related to my new house takes place on a special day related to Mother Mary. Today happens to be the only day I can take leave to drop the Cashier's Order since it is a public holiday in the Philippines. Otherwise, I would be occupied with the end of year appraisals. I thought I would only make a decision about the ID by the weekend but somehow after the discussions yesterday, it was already apparent who I would choose and I might as well use the opportunity today to settle everything since I already took leave.

Thank you, Jesus. Thank you, Mother Mary. I pray for continuous grace and blessings for smooth and timely renovation process.  Amen.

Advent Prayer Service

I will be volunteering for the upcoming Christmas Fiesta. I am glad that the person contacted me again November because initially I asked her to contact me again October to ensure that I would not be overseas during the Christmas and New Year period. I lost her contact when I switched to new phone and she did not contact me in October. Hence I thought she had enough volunteers.

There was a prayer of commissioning for the volunteers at the end of the Advent Prayer Service and hence the team decided to have briefing for volunteers at the end of the Service. My original was plan was to go gym at 530pm, had dinner at SMU and the go for the Service. However, one of the potential interior designer (ID) asked to meet so I changed my plans: meet her, then go for daily evening Mass at Holy Spirit, before going to Cathedral. I was considering to eat dinner first since I was already late and I thought I might as well be even late-r. I decided not to eat dinner and I was about 15 minutes late.

I do not know what I missed but I think I was not too "late" and perhaps only missed the exposition of the Blessed Sacrament since they were starting the Vespers when I arrived. It was followed with Rosary and the Gospel Reading and Homily since it is the Eve of the Solemnity of the Immaculate Conception tonight. I was quite paiseh to stand during the prayer of commissioning, especially since there was no one else standing around where I sat. In the end I stood since after all that was my purpose of attending.

After the nightmarish experience of organising retreat last month, I was very pleased with the atmosphere during the volunteers' briefing. I felt that everyone was there to serve and noone showed any 'air' of superiority or self-centeredness. I am very excited that I get to do F&B this time, rather than hospitality duty. Hehe... I will be at the appetiser booth which will serve kueh pie tee, ice cream and some jelly drink. My main concern is about wearing mask haha... Chin guard will be provided and that's all that I need to hear.

Altar Server

All Saints' Day has a special place in my heart since it was the first Mass when I played the organ for. Now First Sunday of Advent will also have a special place in heart since I had the opportunity to somewhat be an altar server. It was for a Mass to 'close' the cancelled pilgrimage due to the war in Israel. It was to replace the 'sending off' Mass that was originally planned on the Saturday before our departure. It is also a 'mission accomplished' for me since trying to be an altar server is one of the things I was hopeful for when I was thinking about going for pilgrimage. I was baptised as an adult so I never had the opportunity to be an altar boy. Thus today is as much as I can experience what I miss out.

I did not know what to expect so I even prepared myself by searching altar server training guides online. I also pay more attention to what the altar boys are doing during Mass and I even attended some weekday Masses to see what they do when there are fewer of them. I definitely have deeper respect for them after learning all the stuff they have to remember and do. Not to mention of maintaining the postures throughout the Mass.

I did not have to wear the vestment and there was no procession (since it was just a Mass for 20 of us) so I mainly participated in the preparation of the altar (bringing the ciborium, the wine and water, the water bowl and hand towel), ringing of bell and at the end of the Eucharist. I had no rehearsal whatsoever so I was very clumsy with holding and placing the stuff as it was the first time I held those things on my hand.

The most memorable ones for me were the two unexpected things. First, I expected to hand over the water cruet after the Communion and Father would pour to the chalice. Father signaled that I was the one to pour the water to the chalice. Ooops, I did not prepare myself on how to pour the water from the cruet. Am I supposed to open the lid to pour or pour with the lid closed? I even angled the cruet for the Father to take the handle. The second pour was definitely smoother after I learnt that the water still flowed smoothly with the lid closed haha.. Second was placing the chalice (with the paten, pall, corporal and so on) at the of the Communion to the credence table. The whole 'stack' was rather slippery while I expected them to be 'stable'. Again, my sense of touch was not familiar and I did not know that I had to apply pressure to keep them stable. Thank God I did not drop anything. It was also my first time entering the Sacristy when I helped to carry the book that the priest read during the Mass.

Although it was not a full-fledged altar serving per se, the experience allowed me to try to be holy just for today. I even fasted yesterday. That was on top of the last week's confession. At the end, it is not really I am doing something for God but God somehow gives me the opportunity to be a bit holier than usual for these past few weeks.

To wrap this whole cancelled pilgrimage experience, I am able to easily accept it. Since I need visa, I know from the start that there is no guarantee that I can go. Indeed it is not God's time yet for me to visit the Holy Land, although the reason is the war rather than the visa. Nevertheless, it is a lie if I say I am not disappointed since I am quite looking forward to it. I think irritation is the more correct feeling and it is mainly due to the wasted preparation of all the documents (and stress) for the visa application. Will I want to go again if the opportunity arises in the future? Yes, without any doubt.

A&E

Yesterday was my second time in one month or so of having flashes of light in my eyes. Usually sudden flashes of light warrants a visit to A&E as it may indicate retinal detachment. I had it around one month ago on my right eye when I was eating breakfast. I thought it was just due to lack of sleep since I just woke up at 5am to go to office. I did consider going to A&E but decided not to when the flashes stopped after I took a shower. It happened again yesterday and I tried to reason that perhaps I overexerted at gym. Although it also stopped on its own, it was on the left eye and it was wider field of vision.

I made the right decision to get the A&E referral from WhiteCoat and hence everything was covered by my company insurance policy today. I went to Mount Elizabeth Novena A&E since I planned to use my private insurance if indeed I had retinal detachment and needed surgery. Going via A&E also meant the hospital could arrange the appointment with an eye specialist immediately. Otherwise, I would not know which specialist is suitable or if they even allow a walk in booking at such a short notice.

There was no other patient when I arrived in A&E at around 8am. The triage nurse did not waste time to do the usual BP and temperature check and quickly arranged for appointment with eye specialist after I told her my symptoms. My appointment was at 930am and the doctor only arrived at 1020am -_- The doctor went to check twice: through the device and then without the device, to confirm that my retina is ok. Fiuh.. thank God again... On one side, I am relieved and grateful that nothing happens and no surgery is needed. On the other side, it means I will continue living with all these floaters and worry whenever I get the flashes of light again. Oh well.. nothing can be done naturally about these floaters or risk of retinal detachment so I can only pray and surrender everything to God.

I considered of going to lunch time Mass at Novena after my lunch but I decided not to take the risk. It was still 45 minutes away while my eyes were still under the effect of pupil dilators. I think I made the right decision since I reached home within 45 minutes haha.. Anway, the A&E visit did not stop me from going for the ID appointment earlier lol.

Four years ago I went for a similar check up alone so I was not worried about doing it again alone today. However, it was my first A&E experience alone.

Not a sin?

I have never attended the confession 15-30 minutes before Mass. Yet I know I want to have a confession before I do my altar server duty next Saturday. Since it is not time for Advent Penitential Service yet, I decided to go at Novena Church since they have confessions on Saturdays i.e. not only before Mass. My choice is between today and next week. In other words, between the risk of sinning again for another week and not going at all if I am lazy next week. I chose the lesser of the two evils.

I was worried that I would not make it in time. I reached almost 930am and there were 5 people in the queue while there were only two priests. Luckily the queue moved pretty fast. I am surprised that Father told me that wishing and praying to die because life sucks is not really a sin (?). Rather, he advised me to find a counsellor or a spiritual director to help me navigate my feelings. I don't mind having a spiritual director but to find from where sia? I don't need a counsellor since I know the shit I am going through and it is not with the world but with God :( 

The more shocking thing was when he asked me what I was going to do about it since it is something that I have been fighting for a long time. I don't know, man.. If I know how to overcome it, I would also like to be happy and haiz... Anyway the best part for me is actually the penance. Father only asked me to spend more time with Jesus and to pray. For me, that really gels with what he said to figure out and navigate my feelings. Though unfortunately, I am not able to replicate what I experienced during the retreat even when I repeated the same steps. I feel like I am talking to myself. But what other options do I have other than to persevere in prayer although more often than not, I feel that I am alone and only talking to myself.

Executed

I went to execute the OTP this morning. The law firm is at Clarke Quay Central and I was quite amazed to realise that the last time I went there was before COVID. I reached 20 minutes early and I decided to grab something from Donki since I did not have my breakfast yet. I had takoyaki with pumpkin mayo for $5.90. Its original price is $6.90 which is $1 more than the normal takoyaki and honestly I could not tell any special with the pumpkin mayo to justify the extra $1.

It was my first time dealing with lawyer and law firm, and all expectations were shattered. Haha... Because my friend (who is also my agent) was late, we reached about 10 minutes late than our appointment time. Yet we still had to wait for more than 15 minutes for the lawyer who was not warm, engaging, friendly and other similar adjectives. In short, not someone I will choose as a lawyer if I have the option. The worst part was a staff called me after I left to ask me to return. She said I had not signed the OTP when I was sure I already did so and I was even given the photocopy version. Luckily 1 minute after the call ended, she called me again to inform that she found the OTP -_-" So unprofessional. 

The whole process took slightly less than half an hour. It could have been shorter if I was not so noob with my new phone. The lawyer did not know I already secured a bank loan offer. Since I already have it, he asked me to send it so that I could also sign the forms pertaining to the bank. Luckily I had a copy in my email 'sent' folder since I originally saved it in my office laptop and I sent it to my own email so that I could save a copy in my personal laptop. The thing that took me so long was to figure out how to find and attach that pdf for me to send the email to the law firm.

After that I followed my friend for lunch at Hong Lim Food Centre since he was craving for the famous curry chicken noodle. Since I am not a foodie, I find nothing special. I also never try any curry chicken noodle to compare. Normally I will avoid because I do not want to risk stomachache because of the curry and I do not like white chicken because of childhood trauma. Nevertheless, I have to give it for their white chicken: tender and did not make gag.

The best learning from today is knowing the Thomson-East Coast MRT Line (TEL) better. I only knew it until Orchard so this morning I actually transferred to red line at Orchard, alight at Dhoby Ghaut to change to purple line to finally reach Clarke Quay. That is the pre-TEL aka pre-COVID route. I should have taken TEL all the way to Outram Park and change to purple line there. Lol.

With the OTP execution, there is no more turning back for me and Sophia Hills will be my new home in few weeks time. I am lying if I say I never regret about not having the opportunity to check out the most recent listing at Thomson V Two which I discovered few days ago. Nevertheless, I think it is indeed God's plan for this Sophia Hills. It is seems impossible for the dates to be mere coincidence. The seller agreed to my offer on Mother Mary's birthday (8 September) and the OTP is signed today (13 October) which again is related to Mother Mary with her final apparition at Fatima on 13 October 1917.

I certainly never plan it this way since I was given a 3-week duration for the OTP i.e. the last day is 22 October. Two weeks ago, the seller requested if I could execute before 15 October, which is 2 months before the unit handover, since he needed 2 months for his mortgage redemption. It is not a problem for me since I have the funds ready. My friend happened to be travelling to Korea and only returned on Wednesday evening. Yesterday was not possible since I only go to office on Thursdays so I have to give face a bit. Hence, today is the only possible day since tomorrow is already the weekend.

Thank you, Jesus! Thank you, Mother Mary! I know none of these is possible without Your grace and blessings. Forgive my ungratefulness and activate your Spirit within me to overcome the temptations to be ungrateful, envious, angry and thinking of all the "what ifs". May You continue Your blessings so that everything will be smooth to the end.

Samsung A34 5G

I am a procrastinator when it comes to backing up and transferring data across devices. Despite the sunken power button of my Huawei Nova 3i, I was still delaying to start using my new Samsung A34 5G. The last straw was when it was impossible to press the button to lock and unlock the screen. At least I learnt that there are ways to lock and unlock the screen without using the power button. I will be using this method for my new phone so hopefully it will not have this sunken power button issue.

On Friday, I started to download necessary apps in the new phone and backed up my contacts. I transferred all photos yesterday morning and I finally started using the new phone today. The transfer was not as bad or disastrous as I thought. I only lost all the Whatsapp conversations. This noobie ended up transferring the new/blank Whatsapp in the new phone to overwrite the records in the old phone instead of the other way around. Lol.

Otherwise, this has been quite a downer weekend for me. It is unfortunately that new round of war began in Israel yesterday. I will be very disappointed if my plan to go for a Holy Land pilgrimage this November must be cancelled. I have been stressed over this since March for the visa. I even plan the timing of my property purchase around the visa application since I need to maintain a clean record for the bank statement which I will use as one of the required documents. The irony is that last week I still worried about late application since the ticket has not been issued yet and now I worry if the trip can still proceed. The good thing is that full refund will be possible since the ticket has not been issued. Too bad I already bought travel insurance last week so that is $100 wasted if the trip is cancelled. At the end of the day, it is all God's call that I was interested to visit Holy Land to begin with. So if the whole thing is called off, it is His will and plan too.

Premier shiet

Bank is only good when it comes to sucking money. The response and onboarding process were so quick after I registered my interest to join OCBC Premier Banking a few months ago. It is a complete opposite with everything that happens after that. My RM never even once contacted me to say hi lol. What an irony considering UOB and DBS called me in the past to offer insurance and investment products even though I did not have as much money as now.

Today was my first time (yay?) using the premier banking service to get a cashier's order for the 4% to execute the OTP. There was nothing premium about the whole experience. Before going down, I tried to get a queue number from the mobile app and I was told that there was no queue and I could just come down. When I reached, I was told that there were about 3 people ahead of me and I had to wait for about 30 minutes.

Part of the perks of premier banking is to have a waiting lounge with free drinks. Too bad the staff in-charge of the refreshment could not even be bothered. I sat at the bartop counter (because the other tables were lounge coffee tables which were troublesome to fill in banking form) and she did not even offer me any drinks. No wonder got people complained her as what she shared with another customer. Since I wanted to maintain my intermittent fast, I only asked for a cold water.

The staff was also very 'judgy'. I wore my usual t-shirt and bermuda so perhaps I did not look like their usual premier banking customer profile: smartly dressed or older uncles. When the teller was ready, the staff who tried to locate me asked the staff at the refreshment counter where was the "xiao di". Hahaha.. While I was happy that it was a testimony that I still looked young despite my increasing grey hair, it was quite unprofessional leh..

The teller who did the cashier's order for me was another typical grumpy auntie. There was nothing more professional than those tellers downstairs. It seems that the only edge of premier banking is to be able to sit down at a more atas lounge while waiting instead of standing in a queue.

I am considering to apply for OCBC Premier Voyage Card to pay for my stamp duties but I want to make sure that I can earn points and that I can make such a huge transaction. Another perk of premier banking that I cannot deny is shorter wait for the hotline. I learnt that I would not be able to ask for temporary increase of credit limit (apparently only situations such as wedding, hospitalisation and funeral can be considered) but I could pay the credit card with the stamp duty amount first. Unfortunately the hotline person seemed to be just a customer service officer and did not address my interest about applying for the card.

I actually already registered my interest in both 'Contact Us' forms for Premier Banking as well as the Voyage Card but noone contacted me so far despite the 'we will contact you within 1 working day', after submitting the form. The RM chat in the mobile app was not working for the past few days. Somehow it worked just now when I decided to email my RM and wanted to check the email address in the app. Let's see if I got any response on Monday.

In conclusion, nothing is premium about this whole premier banking shit. I suppose my housing loan application went smoothly few days simply because my friend knew the banker and I was giving the bank business, nothing to do with me being premier banking status. I also cannot tell if the 3.1% rate I get is just normal or slightly better. Oh well...

Inner Healing

I just came back from the retreat "At the Feet of the Good Shepherd". I thank God that the retreat was worth 'sacrificing' instead of flying to Jakarta to be at home for additional two days. It was very nice that some parishioners offered carpooling since the old Major Seminary at Punggol is very ulu. It was my first time there and at least I got to experience staying in a seminary hahaha... I was a bit bothered with the room which was not swept and mopped after someone else stayed there. Other than that, the room reminded me of the old days of staying at CJC Hostel. In fact, I think the seminary is better since each room has attached bathroom.

It was also my first time experiencing a silent retreat. I did not really have an issue of surrendering my handphone but I was quite ambivalent about keeping quiet. The good side was that I did not have to make small talk to get to know other people and it kept the whole retreat atmosphere rather than a social event. Ironically, I still think it is quite a bummer not being able to get to know other parishioners since this retreat was after all organised by the parish for the parish ministries.

Honestly I was quite skeptical about the whole inner healing thingy and I am happy to be proven wrong. One of the Bible verses shared at the start of the session is Romans 9:17 which says "For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing". This verse perfectly summarises all the shit I am feeling inside. I know I should not be angry, unforgiving, envious and ungrateful but I just cannot get rid of them, even when I pray for it. So I am not wrong to feel that only God can help me to get rid of these and it is not something that I can do on my own.

Sacrament of Reconciliation was the first step of healing to remove sins from blocking the healing. It was my most embarrassing confession because I had no cheat sheet for the Act of Contrition. I had to tell the priest that I could not remember and I repeated after him. I was also not in my best state that I did not really catch how many decades of Rosary for my penance and I was too embarrassed to clarify. Hence, I decided to do a full Rosary which was definitely more than enough.

The inner healing session was rather.. I don't know how to describe. As physical representation, we were told to pair up so that we could take turns to experience being someone asking forgiveness from others and being someone to be forgiving. As a sign of forgiveness, we were supposed to hug each other.  I found it weird that we were told to pair up with someone we did not know. I decided to bo chup and just pair up with my ministry leader who was the only person I knew. We shared each other's faith and life stories from our Landings experience so we did not feel there was anything that would make us embarrassed. I am glad that I did not pair up with a stranger because I think it would be VERY awkward to hug a stranger twice. Hahaha...

Perhaps the recommendation to pair up with a stranger is in case we have actual bad blood with  fellow ministry members. Heng I have none with my leader. It is quite funny looking back because I never even hugged my dad that long. I also felt a bit paiseh since after the whole thing ended, I saw other pairs ended their hugs already. I could not help but think if others would think weirdly that my pair was so comfortable with the hug. Haha...

The healing session continued with the priest and some who have the gift of healing to pray over us individually. I had the priest praying over me. I did not think anything extraordinary happened to me but this was my second experience to know that the Holy Spirit is real. The first was during my baptism. I wanted to link to my post on baptism but I realised that I was more engrossed with the gifts back then and did not share how I suddenly felt very hot and restless while queueing for my turn to get baptised. It felt as if God asked me for a final confirmation that I still wanted to get baptised since it was still not too late to turn back if I changed my mind. I knew it was the Holy Spirit because the church was actually cold. The hot feeling was unnatural since it came and went away inexplicably: it was there as I was queueing and disappeared after I was baptised.

What I felt yesterday was different: I felt that my body was hollow except for having four quadrants and the two left quadrants felt lighter and brighter than the right two. I did not know what that supposed to mean but it was something I never experienced before. I also did not feel sleepy despite 2.5 hours in low light condition and plenty of closing eyes moments, a stark contrast to the whole day prior to this session when I was constantly feeling sleepy.

Another interesting experience was having my doubts of whether my parents loved me being answered. I sort of having a vision that my parents were happy to have a son. I remembered that my childhood was happy, even if my parents were rather stingy with money. As a kid, I never even felt angry that I had to walk or take public transport or wait for dad's car for tuition. Just that somehow things changed after I came to Singapore and I did not really have a lot of time or memories with my parents anymore.

I realised that God provided me sufficient grace in my life so far. Even at times when I lack or feel insufficient with physical needs, God gives me sufficient grace to remain happy or not to feel that I am lacking. All the ungratefulness is not because I am truly miserable or lacking but it is because I always compare with the "what if"s and "things can be better". My past has happened and I cannot change it. Thus it really depends on whether I am at peace with it because of all God's provisions or I am angry with it because God or others could have given me better. I know that I was at peace before my dad's passing and everything turned opposite only after I realised how much things could be better. It is all the work of the Devil to torment with past wounds and past sins.

While I do not get a physical healing for my eyes that I wish for, God has healed my heart. As of now, all the bitterness, anger, unhappiness and ungratefulness from all the "what if"s have dissipated. I am more worried about how to deal with them if such feelings come again in the future. Though I suppose next time going for Sacrament of Reconciliation can be my weapon against them. In addition, I am better equipped now to recognise when all these come back to attack as indeed I experienced about 90% of the listed signs of inner rawness from inner wounds such as irritability, little or no tolerance, having feelings of always rising up, urges to retaliate, sensitive, hard to forgive, hard to feel loved, irrational expectations of others, perfectionism, anger towards God and others, self-hate, feeling of hopelessness and escapism.

Now I believe that this healing thing is true because some people did experience and testify for their physical healings. The most powerful was someone who had ear injury when he was a boy that his left ear was medically diagnosed with only 15% hearing capacity. After being prayed over, suddenly he heard that everything was 'very loud' and he could finally experience stereo hearing.

Today was also my first time to experience a session with a Spiritual Director. The conversation reinforces that all my ungratefulness, bitterness, anger and "what if"s are all nonsense. I was asked if I could change anything in my life, what would I change? I said nothing :( Although I am bitter about coming and having to stay in Singapore, I honestly do not dare to change it if it would mean that I would not get baptised. I cannot imagine how my life will be if not for God's providence so far. The conversation also helps to filter that perhaps what I am missing the most in my life is a home. Let's see what happen when I finally move to my condo.

I also see the problem with my prayer and relationship with God. It seems that I have been trying to force God to decide between single vs married vs celibate for me. I am also too focused on what I must do (and hence my prayer is about asking God to just tell me what He wants me to do so that at least I can be happy to do His will) and that may not be what God wants from me. At the end of the session, I was asked to close my eyes and imagine if I were to meet Jesus and tell Him everything I shared to the Spiritual Director, what would Jesus say? Jesus actually did not say anything and I was just happy to be able to hug him and lay my head on his lap while telling Him what I felt.

Perhaps that is a sign that what I want is being closer to Him and not necessarily about Him telling me things to do. I have been avoiding having quiet times because I am too bothered if I do not hear anything or if I hear the correct voice etc. My prayers, my devotions and my Mass also tend to be done out of obligations, my promises or my expectations that doing so would help me getting closer to God. Indeed I know my one-way of communication with God is a problem and yet I have not tried to overcome it.

I was the first group to go for the spiritual direction and spent the rest of the time with Adoration while waiting for others to go for their spiritual direction. I tried to pray and recite Rosary but I ended up falling asleep. Hehe not a surprise considering I did not sleep well yesterday night. I somehow kept getting up every one hour or so.

That brings me to the final topic of this post which is about the retreat place. It was my first time at St Francis Xavier Old Seminary. Since it was a silent retreat, everyone was assigned to sleep alone and each room comes with attached bathroom. I had no problem since the room atmosphere reminds me of my CJC Hostel days haha.. The room feels bigger since the bed is bunkbed. Perhaps bunkbed was the reason why I kept waking up since I never sleep with 'something' blocking the ceiling. The shower is modern but the toilet is still rather ancient. Not complaining since it is already a toilet bowl and not a squatting toilet. My only complaint about the room is that it was uncleaned. There was long hair on the floor which I am sure was the previous person who slept in this room.

After the retreat, I declined my ministry leader's invitation to have dinner to share our experience. I would love to but I have to pack for my flight tomorrow wor...

Laughter is a gift

I participated at Novena Outreach for my church ministry yesterday. Initially I was worried if I could get out of my comfort zone because approaching strangers is something an introvert like me will naturally do. Not to mention that this is for church stuff and the last time I did this was before COVID. Thank God I managed to get out of my comfort zone. In fact, I felt that the discomfort made me focus on God and it was a sacrifice on my part to do God's work. That feels better than doing something I can comfortably do which will usually be a fertile ground for pride to come in and I will lose the sense of doing God's work.

I did two slots (10am-12pm and 12pm-2pm) just to make wearing and washing the Landings t-shirt a bit more worthwhile hahaha.. The best gift for me is looking at myself in the photos because I can honestly say that my diet has shown success and I am happy to see how thin and not round my face has become. I feel like I am back to my older days. 'Older' in the sense of the year but younger in terms of age. Haha.. My jeans were slipping bad quite badly, which proves that my waist circumference has dropped too, that for the first time in my life I am thinking that I should buy a new pair with smaller size.

I did not do 4pm-6pm slot but I am very happy to hear that the crowd was good. I was worried because I was the one who asked the coordinator to consider not ending at 4pm as the original plan. I usually attend 4pm Novena and I know it is more crowded than 12pm and 2pm. And based on the previous weeks, the priest would still be introducing the group who was doing the outreach for that day and encouraged the congregation to check out the booth. So it would be funny if the priest said that and there was already no booth. Actually I did not really care but the coordinator said to add another slot due to 'my intel'. Alamak it became as if it was my idea haha... Well, God, I have done my part.

Today is the first time I broke me streak of 5x weekly for gym. I decided to give my body an extra day to recover. I even decided not to go for my usual 7am Mass although I woke up on time. I was contemplating if I should go for gym at 10am and then 5pm Mass after the pilgrimage preparatory session. In the end,  I skipped gym for 930am Mass and I went for 5pm Mass again because two other persons who were sharing the car with me were attending the 5pm Mass. I did not mind going again since I would only sleep if I went home anyway.

It is kind of amazing that I went for Novena 2x yesterday (I followed the 10am and 12pm Novena from the TV outside the church during the outreach) and Mass 2x despite feeling angry and having toxic relationship with God. I started to dread going for the pilgrimage preparatory session because I rather sleeping or playing game. Ironically, I could feel God's encouragement through the people I interacted with.

When I was sharing about how I am currently feeling that my relationship is very toxic with God, an auntie who shared the same sentiment remarked that the way I described it was very cute. During the fellowship, an uncle said he missed hearing my laughter. He finds my laughter as genuine and joyful. I told him that my laughter is just a facade and not representative of what I am feeling inside. He said that everyone is stressed with life but not many can still laugh the way I do.

They are not the first people who told me that. It made me reflect that perhaps indeed it is really a gift from God that I take for granted: to be able to laugh, spread joy and have a positive and welcoming disposition despite all the brokenness I am feeling inside. Of course the sinister side of me says when prayer and complaining cannot help, what else I can do other than to laugh at all the shit in my life and get on with life. If my brokenness can bring joy to others, have I not done enough for me to be eternally happy with you, dear God?

This also coincides with today's readings about treasure and Solomon's wish. I think I have given up everything for God. I did not pursue a girl a few years ago because she is not a Catholic. Now I am stressed about buying a condo because I want to be near a church so that location and laziness will not become a source for to start skipping Mass again. Haiz.. I can easily find an affordable condo if I do not care about proximity to church. I know this sounds fucked up but I keep saying I want to die because I realise my treasure is to be in heaven with God and nothing in the world is worth living for anymore in exchange of early death. A question posed today is what would I wish for if like Solomon, God will grant me something I ask for. My answer will still remain to be with Him in heaven right here right now. If God still wants me to be alive, at least tell me what He wants me to do with my life and I will do it because there is nothing I desire anymore.

Scary calories

It seems that I am lighter in the morning because my weighing machine hit 59 kg this morning! Yay. Though I am now 60 kg, I am happy that there is still chance for me to go under 60 kg to eventually reach my 53-55 kg goal. I already blew it away by celebrating with an ice yuan yang.

The temptations do not end there. With 3 Kettle for $11+ promo is still on going until 2 Aug, Cold Storage adds 2 Ruffles for $8.80 promo too. Gosh! What stopped me in the end was the realisation of how much calories these junk food contain. A bag of these 140g+ potato chips contains almost 800 kcal while a bottle of my favourite mocha drink has slightly more than 300 kcal. Compare that to 200 kcal for 2 bananas for dinner, it is not a surprise how I manage to pile up so much weight.

The temptations are getting worse because I am even looking at alternatives now. At the top of the list is sour cream Calbee. After resisting Cold Storage earlier, I decided to buy at mamashop near my place but God saved me. The mamashop currently only has the hot and spicy flavour which I do not like. Heng ah!

Nevertheless, I have accept that my weight loss is slowing down. I was 61 kg at the start of July and it is impossible to reach my 58 kg goal by month end which is only 3 days away. Haiz. But something positive comes from me blogging this. I finally learn the difference between Calorie (with capital C) vs calorie vs kcal (kilocalorie). The one with capital C is actually the same as kcal. There goes my confusion because kcal is supposed to be 1000 cal. It is just a matter of big or small C.

Toxic relationship with God

I can finally empathise with the elder brother of the prodigal son in the parable. I feel that I have been doing everything to follow the will of the Father but He never seems to give me what I want. I do not wish for a party or a fattened calf. I just wish to go home but He does not allow it. He only wants me to live and labour. I am just being provided with daily needs enough to go on but no place to rest, no happiness, no friends, no meaning.

My planned roommate for pilgrimage finally receives the job offer and is allowed to take leave for the pilgrimage. I am happy for him but I am jealous at the same time because God grants his wish while my prayers are unanswered. I am also still worrying over my visa, which is pointless to worry for now since the application period is not even here yet. I informed my friend to arrange for house viewing in August and then I realise the one I am eyeing for has increased the listing price by 10%. Haiz.. Looks like I have to start looking at 1-room around my area. Alternatively, my only choice for 2-room which I can afford is Gem Residences at Toa Payoh. Again, my anger to God is misplaced since it is not November yet, the deadline I set to stop 'waiting' and just select a unit to buy.

Honestly, I do not even feel like praying to stop myself from being a hypocrite. "May it be done according to Your will" is just a lip service since praying means asking and I will be disappointed/angry/frustrated when it is His Will, but not My will.

Today I did not go to gym. I was lazy to fulfil my promise to attend daily Mass when I skip gym since last week I already skipped once because of tiredness and currently I feel that my relationship with God is toxic. God only wants me to accept His will while I am angry if He does not grant what I ask. The worst part is the distant feeling despite my attempt to connect. I feel like chasing someone who is not interested in me. If God is a human, I will already walk away from this toxic relationship.

Somehow God gave me the perseverance and resilience to resist temptation. He definitely wanted me me to listen the homily when the priest said: the people who like to complain are usually hard to die. Oh shit oh shit! No wonder I am still alive.

FUG

The title is not meant to be a pun. It is an abbreviation of what I am feeling right now: F U God. My ballot for CER failed yesterday. I am disappointed, angry and upset about that. It makes me a hypocrite when I pray "May Your will be done". The whole 'it is not God's time yet for you to attend' and 'others may need the retreat more than you' are bullshit to me since I totally had no idea about CER at all until when a priest told me. If it was not God's plan for me than I don't know what. So what was the point of giving me the message to attend this retreat if it was not His plan for  me to attend now?

Attending the ballot was such a waste of time. I cannot understand why the organiser cannot just do it automatically and inform whether the applicants are successful. Why did they have to waste the time of more than 420 people to attend the ballot physically? This is not Sheng Shiong lucky draw or something. I was not as pissed as wasting time since usually I would be doing my volunteering shift on Saturday morning anyway. What makes me really angry is all the stress and prayers for the past few months for this retreat only not to be able to go.  Seriously what the FUG.

Ironically or surprisingly, I still went to Novena yesterday and Mass this morning despite my sentiment. The Gospel today is about the wheat vs darnel. Perhaps God wants to remind me to be patient with this plan. Wheat and darnel look very similar in early stage and hence they can only be differentiated after they mature. I may be feeling very angry about my ballot failure but perhaps He has something else planned for me. Maybe I have to be somewhere else during the reatreat dates? Or maybe I will get spiritual enlightenment before the retreat dates that I do not need the retreat anymore? Or maybe He will call me to heaven by then? For now my self-consolation is that my thought that I am done with living and hope to die and be in heaven ASAP is not wrong that I need the retreat to change my mind. In other words, I have God's approval.

My diet this week was derailed by social gatherings. First was with my Landings group from the COVID run. It was my first time trying Hokkaido-Ya as well as Kith Cafe. I tried the white curry udon since I never come across it previously. I don't think there is anything unique, special or memorable about it though. Hahaha... Kith Cafe is surprisingly not as bad as I thought lol. It does not really make want to visit again though since I am past all these cafe stuff with my loose stools after cold milky drinks nowadays.

Yesterday was dinner at my aunt's place to commemorate the second dad anniversary of my uncle. Someone brought Thai fried banana and fried yam which were the most memorable food from the night. They are unique since the batter is different from the usual Chinese or Malay fried banana/yam. Unfortunately the batter for the fried yam was so tough that it was painful to bite and chew. The batter was so thick that it felt more like eating dough than eating yam. The banana was the less ripe type so they had texture instead of the usual soggy type.

The important lesson learnt from these two sessions is that my stomach has shrunk to the point that even having normal dinner makes my stomach uncomfortably full even when I go to bed. Haiz.. And yet why am I still not losing weight :(

Yesterday I carried my cousin's 7-month-old boy and that was my first time ever carrying an infant. It was our first time seeing each other so I found it really cute that he did not cry and he comfortably snuggled. I think I was even more anxious than him. But nope, that experience did not trigger any sense of fatherhood in me hahaha... I still prefer to die young or even now if possible. I am not interested in bringing an innocent life into the world which I myself want to avoid.

I was tempted to check out Uniqlo again to buy what I decided not to buy last Sunday. In the end, I managed to resist by thinking that National Day is coming so there may be sale. Haiz.. but I really currently I have enough clothes that I do not need to buy any. However, I decided to get clothes hanger from Daiso but from Thomson Plaza which meant that I did not go to Orchard today. Hehe...

Food temptation

I was introduced to Chateraise ice cream last Sunday by my buddy for pilgrimage. Knowing the prices of their cakes, I find it mind-blowing that these Japanese ice cream prices are so cheap ($1.20-$2.70), even cheaper than those from mama shop downstairs. The range of available flavours and options are huge. Looks like I have found an alternative to spend my extra coins instead of getting bottled drinks. Hehe...

I also succumbed to Pizza Hut Pocket Pleasers. I was tempted to get the regular pan for $6 but thank goodness I managed to restrain myself from overeating and settle with personal pan for $3. I was already hungry before gym but that was more bearable than the feeling of overeating if I were to get the regular pan.

Going to supermarket is also like going to a battle zone. Kettles is still having buy 3 for $11+ sale. The saving grace is that I no longer see the BBQ and the Cheese flavours anymore, which means there is only Honey Dijon which I like. There is no point for me to buy 3 bags of the same flavour or even worse, to get the Sea Salt or the Salt and Vinegar which I do not really enjoy. Still, the temptation is there and when it gets unbearable, I usually end up with $1 Meadows. It is a perfect definition of addiction: getting an alternative with something even if it does not give the same 'high' as the original thing I want.

Sugary bottled drink temptation is also back with my favourite Pokka Mocha and Peppermint Mocha discounted at $1.40 until end of the month. Their prices have increased so much to $1.80 that they are no longer tempting if not on sale. For my sanity, I give myself some slack on the weekends. However, I ended up with the zero sugar houjicha daily, even twice daily on some days. That is actually breaking my goal to minimise all these bottled drinks altogether. And as expected, as I am drinking these more frequently compared to last month, they no longer induce wakefulness. I still can sleep soundly even when I drink at dinner time. Bad bad...

My mid-year appraisal went okay on Thursday. Well usually, mid-year is okay because people have not started bitching about me. This year has been good and better than last year with team goals are generally met and things are not breaking apart. It seems that my slacking time is over soon since there is a plan to move my team lead to another team. This means I have to be more involved with all the admin work for the year-end appraisals. That also means I have to be more involved with the work and training of everyone as well as to train new team lead. It simply means things are moving in circle: I did those a few years ago until I could relax a bit when team lead was ready. Honestly I do not mind since that will allow me to spend even less time with the bitches here. Hehe...

Unfortunately work also pissed me off this week when my boss asked about pay for the people we want to promote this mid-year. It makes me realised how fucked up the HR salary scale is. People who are promoted off-cycle during mid-year usually do not perform as well as those promoted at the start of the year. However, with how fucked up the salary scale is, these people would end up at pathetic increment in terms of monetary value (if we simply follow job grade) or at higher job grade (if we want them to have a reasonable increment in monetary value) than the better performers promoted earlier. It is rubbish that increment at the typical cycle is more stingy than off-cycle. Perhaps the more annoying part for me was how my boss initially did not scrutinise these details. Sheesh.. no wonder my pay changes have been pathetic.

It upset me enough that I contacted my friend, who asked me to apply for a position early this year, to let me know again of future openings if my desired salary is within possibility. By next year, I have no guilt to leave since I have spent more than 5 years in current company and it has been at least a year since my promotion.

I overate for lunch that I had difficulty deciding on dinner yesterday. I did not want to overeat again, yet I was lazy to eat banana and I wanted to avoid refined carbohydrates such as bread. When I made up my mind to get 3 mini buns, the queue was long. So I decided to try roast chicken polo bun from Joy Luck Teahouse which did not have queue. I ended up have to wait 5 minutes for them to heat up -_-" I went to Uniqlo to kill time and that tempted me to Conan UT T-shirts which are currently on sale for $14.90. The Kaito Kid design really catches my interest.

I kind of want to wait until they go down to $9.90 but I am also worried that only the XS and S would remain when that happened. I decided to go to Uniqlo at ION after gym today since I also wanted to check if Daiso sells clothes hanger. I went home empty handed. Haha.. Daiso sells clothes hanger but I told myself I do not need extra la. At Uniqlo, I ended up more distracted with the pants on sale haha.. Too bad the berms on sale are all with button or hook type. I prefer those berms just with string or rubber waistband for a more relaxed feel. So yeah, pass to that orange chino which was really tempting. Well I saw a corduroy long pants which met my requirement of no hook or button. In the end I did not buy them because I thought it would be too baggy and my butt would be too big. The desire for Conan T-shirts just evaporated when I saw the healthy stock hahaha... Seriously ah.. when it comes to clothes, only necessity can make me buy them without much thinking.

Food tempted me again with food fair at Takashimaya. I went for Korean pancakes ($5 for kimchi and $6 for scallop) which were over-priced. I just wanted some variety over Tori-Q or yakisoba which I normally have for my Sunday lunches if I happen to go to Orchard. I was woken up from my afternoon nap because of hunger. The two pancakes were too light but that was okay. Ironically now I prefer a bit of hunger to the feeling of overeating. But still no further weight lost so far :'(

Ironies

My life experiences have taught me to be self-sufficient and not to depend on others for validations or acceptance. It has served me well when others want to put me down. Ironically, this attitude is a double-edged sword for the things I dislike about myself since no matter what positive things others say, I will still be negative and critical about them.

I have been fretting over my facial complexion I think is getting worse since I stop going to the dermatologist and applying her various creams. In addition, I cannot defy aging and my wrinkles are getting more obvious. Sigh.. Surprisingly, I am still getting "Are you studying or working?" and "You look like in your late 20s." from people who just know me from the very first time. I should learn to be grateful that God has indeed me a youthful look despite my own feeling that the youthfulness has somewhat faded.

On Tuesday, my friend was in a car when he saw me walking towards OCBC. He took my photo from the side and shucks .. my butt and thighs are so fat! No wonder I cannot go down below 60kg. They are muscles according to one of my gym coaches when I told her about it. Haiz.. that's why I do not like to push myself at the gym because all I need right now is just to reach 53-55kg and lose belly fat. Again this is just me being extremely negative because the first photo my friend sent me was slightly angled. He had another one which is exactly from the side and that does not look too bad. Anyway, I will only trust the weighing machine for all this diet-related woes.

My faith continues to waver despite all the effort with prayers, attending mass, reading the Bible, etc. I felt so upset and angry at the Gospel reading on last Sunday. I have given my everything to follow God's plan and persevere in this life that I hate and never ask but I never feel that I have found the life that Jesus promised. The whole reading and homily felt like rubbish to me and I found myself cursing at life during the Liturgy of the Eucharist.

I also realise that my involvement in church activity has been perverted by pride. I feel jealous with those who can contribute because it makes me realise that my talents are not for those church activities such as praying, singing, etc. I feel annoyed with people who step up or appear overly enthusiastic as if they are very important for these church activities. Despite feeling all these, I know this is the work of the devil because looking back, my reason for joining a church ministry is for personal faith. My goal is never about contributing/serving/making use of my talents so why am I getting upset over these now. I can only pray that God will shelter me from such sentiments and help me to overcome them when they pester me. The irony is I choose not to step up because I want to minimise interaction and potential negativity from working with church people.

My partner for the quarterly bulletin has decided to step down in order to spend more time taking care of her father. I have a mixed feeling about this. On the bright side, there is no need to have a discussion anymore since I am alone now. Previously, I felt rather irritated when she asked for meetings to discuss the themes because anything was okay with me and I was not really bothered about themes. I also found it annoying when she tried to interfere with the writers selection, which is not our task. Our task is to contact parish coordinators for the writers and it is up to them to decide. However, she has been the one doing all the PR-related task to liaise with people while I am mostly doing the typing, editing and designing. Now I am not looking forward to dealing with the people. Anyway when I was first approached about this role, I thought I would be alone. So to have someone else helping for the past two years has been a tremendous blessing.

Unlike last week when I was upset hearing about life in Jesus, I was surprised that I found today's Gospel about finding rest in Jesus to be comforting. I realise that all the heavy loads that overburden me are all my own pride, wants, sins and expectations. If I can truly surrender everything to God, I will not even have to be worried about things which are yet to come and are beyond my control such as if I would be able to successfully ballot for CER, my visa application, my plan to buy a house, my health and my purpose in life. I wonder if praying for these is a sign of my worry because I am still holding the hope that God will grant the things I want. Or should I stop praying about these altogether if I truly want to surrender everything to Him?

Cutting some slack

I was 1 kg under meeting my weight loss goal last week. I decided to cut myself some slack this week since losing 7 kg in 3 months is not bad after all. Clearly that was not a wise decision because I end up gaining 1 kg at the end of the week. Sigh.. It is gonna be tough to aim for another 9 kg in the next 3 months. Unexpectedly, I am not haunted by the desire for more Kettles and bottled drinks. In fact, I did not especially look out for them and merely bought Kettles because of the ongoing promotion and bought bottled drinks when I had extra coins. I am quite confident to revert to the discipline again will not be as hard as when I started avoiding them initially.

Another reason for cutting some slack this week is because I had 4 church gatherings in the past 5 days which meant that I would be eating more my usual dinner anyway. On Tuesday, I was asked for a dinner before the meeting so I ended up having a Western meal. Yesterday was buffet for social night and I only tried a little bit of everything. As a bonus, one of my friends from SEA Games pharmacy from a few years ago jio-ed me for a catch up. I proposed having pancake at the Japanese fusion restaurant which took over Tuk Tuk Cha at Junction 8. Surprisingly, that restaurant is already replaced with a Taiwanese restaurant and I ended up with bubble tea. Huhuhu...

Ironically despite all the church stuff this week, my faith is hitting the bottom again with the thoughts and praying to die coming back. I also find it annoying when church aunties like to suggest single young man to be a priest. While I am thankful to God for my 'babyface', I am no longer a young man and I am past the age limit for people who want to be a priest. I am never closing the door for the possibility of being a priest since I even attended a vocation session before COVID. Since there was no response, I take it as God's way that it is not my calling. Somehow recently these thoughts return and I have been praying for a sign. I do not know if suggestions from random aunties are the signs. Considering my unworthiness and my age, I simply no longer have the 'face' to even consider this as a calling. God knows that at this point, what I will consider as an obvious sign is only when a priest is giving me that suggestion. At least a priest will be able to advise if my age will really be an issue before I discern further. Otherwise, I will be forever stuck in wondering and wandering what I should do in my life. Haiz.. at the end what can I do? Everything is according to God's will and timing.

House search (part 1)

Since it is likely going to be once-in-a-lifetime affair which is not going to end painlessly soon, I think I should record my experience. As my fixed deposits are ending (with one more coming by mid-July), I have been more active and serious in searching for a condo to buy. My top priority is not to move somewhere too far from my current location as I still want to be near the church or it will be a huge factor for me to start stop going church again.

It has been frustrating because with the amount I can afford currently, 2 BR is mostly out of my reach for those condos near my current place. There is one condo which is not older than others (TOP 2012) and one 2 BR unit put on sale is still tenanted until Feb next year while another one which is vacant is ridiculously priced. As I would like to move in as soon as possible, I will KIV those tenanted for now. The vacant one was originally listed 18% more expensive than the most recent transaction. Last week, the listing price was reduced by 60k and it is still 13% overpriced.

I went to view yesterday and the current condition does not justify the price seller asked. While the wall is okay, the flooring definitely needs some work. My standard as a homeless is already quite low so I doubt anyone will accept that price. Anyway I was not too upset because I preferred the other unit which is still tenanted because with the same unit size, the other unit only has 1 bathroom instead of two which means there is more space for the master bedroom. That master bedroom has more windows and feels more airy too.

Of course I am 'gambling' as I cannot predict the future. I do not want to lock myself in since February is still 8 months away. There is possibility that people may reduce price or more units put up on s ale. At the same time, perhaps someone would already buy the unit with tenancy.

There is another 2 BR in another condo which is also ridiculously priced at 20% more than the last transaction in the same condo. This one has a very enthusiastic agent who updates the listing very frequently. I do not think this one will sell since at such ridiculous price when the location is least convenient among the condos around my area.

It seems that God still wants me to be a homeless wanderer. Haiz.. Surprisingly I do not feel as agitated or frustrated after the viewing yesterday. In fact, I was chill when there was no update since Tuesday when I said I was interested in that unit. Only suddenly on Saturday morning my friend agent asked me if I could do viewing in the afternoon. I think after giving up on praying to die and giving up everything to God, it is easier to trust that eventually God's plan for prevail. For now I can only pray for sellers to drop their prices or for the one tenanted until February to be still unsold until end of the year. Or maybe God has other plan beyond this.

Death (wish) is defeated

I am so emo to the point of googling: Is it wrong to pray for my own death? As emo as it sounds, I believe everything is part of God's plan. I come across a website sharing that some biblical figures, other than Tobit, who had actually prayed for death too. Job prayed for death when he felt the suffering was too much. Moses prayed for death because he was tired being the leader of ungrateful and constant complaining people. Jonah was angry because God saved those he wished would be punished. Elijah would rather die than be killed by those wanting to kill me. If God did not grant what these holy people were asking, a sinner like me who is asking the same thing has zero chance to be granted. I surrender, Lord. No point for me thinking and asking for early death since I know it is not gonna come if it is not Your time yet.

Now it seems that my 'anyhow' answer for the grace of faith during introduction round at Sunday's pilgrimage preparatory session actually came from God. Now all I can pray for is indeed for faith that everything in my life is God's plan and everything will turn out good, and for faith that He will guide me to a future according to His plan too. Meanwhile, I can only pray for strength and patience until the time comes when everything is revealed to me and all the hardships I have gone through are not just senseless suffering.

I finally had a slip with my diet too. I had too many coins and decided to get the bottled mocha drink. Haiz.. I hope this was just a once-off and the temptations will stop. I thank God that I managed to resist buying Kettles after gym since today is the last day of sale (2 packs for $8.45). I even tried to 'bargain' that I should have a break and reward since I am just 1 kg away from my goal to have a break. I supposed the guilt from mocha helped me to resist not to fail twice. I checked the nutrition labeling of Kettles and wooo! No wonder I was damn fat and my blood pressure was going up when I could be eating 4 bags a week in past. Each bag contains more than 500mg sodium and 500kcal. I hope this is going to haunt me everytime I am tempted in the future.

More signs

God kept me busy for the remaining of this week that I did not have much time to dwell in self pity. I usually procrastinate for the bulletin but somehow I managed to complete it this week. It took me two evenings since there was no need to burn midnight oil. More importantly, I was fed up and ran out of inspiration when editing one of the stories. It had some repetitive parts as well as points which were jumping around. The break was worth it because on the following evening, the divine inspiration came and it was so much clearer on how to rearrange and edit the story.

The frustration was a checkpoint for me to keep my head from growing to big. English was my weakest subject and my O Level was saved because of Higher Malay. It was by God's grace that somehow I was able to get B3 for GP in JC to be able to be where I am right now. In fact, never in my dreams I would ever thought I would ever be an editor when I changed job. Since this is a gift from God, perhaps it is of His purpose for me to use it for those not so good in English.

I suppose this is part of God's plan because during the first preparatory session for the Holy Land pilgrimage today, the coordinator confirmed with me about being a writer. Surprisingly, no one stepped up for that yet. Someone who did that on the previous trip shared that it was challenging and tiring to keep track and be able to get a summary of the day by the end of the day. Hearing this discouraged me because I wanted to enjoy and do nothing. After seeing the writing from the previous trip, they are actually similar to my blog posts after my own trip. Since it is something that I have been doing (although for my personal consumption), I officially say yes and let's see how it goes.

It was difficult to reflect on what I am hoping to get from the pilgrimage. Honestly I am fearful of hoping for anything because I will end up disappointed if I do not get, just like how I feel that my prayers have not been answered. After crystallising my thoughts, I suppose what I am looking for the grace of peace with my past (what has happened to me), grace of affirmation for my present that everything is indeed God's plan for me, and grace of direction for my future.

I am getting clearer messages that I should not pray for death since it will not be granted. Earlier this week, when I was posting emo facebook status, one friend messaged me and when I told him not to worry because I will never commit a suicide since it means a direct way to hell. His reply was "At least you can pray.". During the sharing today, someone said that I should be happy if I feel that I have achieved everything that I want in my life because that means I give the rest of my life to God. The most hilarious and unexpected comeback was from my friend's mum who was in the car when my friend dropped me home. She commented that my place should be huge because this is an older estate. I told her that it is not my place since I am only renting and I am only looking forward to my room in heaven which Jesus has prepared. She replied that the seminary would be able to provide a free room for me to stay.

I am very tired now since I could not really sleep last night. I drank Pokka bottled hojicha tea after 4pm Novena yesterday so the effect of avoiding all these tea and coffee drinks for the past month is clear: my body gets very sensitive to them again. Previously I could even drank them after dinner and slept like a baby. By the way, yesterday was also the first time that my petition was read during the Novena service. Unfortunately, my prayer is still unanswered :( After that, I asked how my godma is doing and it seems that her allergy issue is still unresolved and getting worse. Haiz..

I went out for lunch with a friend before going to the pilgrimage preparatory session just now. It was frustrating because he jio-ed me last Monday to go together but nearer to today, I could not tell whether the plan was still on or not. I do not know if he was busy or perhaps he changed his mind but too paiseh to tell me. I decided not to be too proud and pretended as if the plan was still on and this morning he asked whether we should have lunch together. I am not too particular about food so I let him decide. Korean food is simply not my taste even up to now. Haha... Let's see if we still will go together for the next sessions ba.

Spiritual attack

What is the point of living when I cannot eat, cannot play game, cannot sleep what/whenever I want? Haiz.. These are the last few things that I am still enjoy doing. I rushed through the latest Genshin Impact event on Sunday just before the event ended. This is the second consecutive event that I had to do so which means that I did not really have the time to play as much as before for at least the past month. My body has not adjusted to my attempt to sleep by 12 midnight and I have been not been able to sleep throughout the 7 hours as I hope for. Most of the time, it is because I need to pee which means I need to take my night supplement earlier so that I do not overdrink nearer my bed time. Even the chickens downstairs start to wake me up again while last month I was worried that I no longer slept as light as usual as I was no longer bothered by them.

I decided to have a cheat day to keep my sanity in check. My body was sore after gym yesterday and I skipped yesterday's banana with the excuse that soreness indicated that I needed some protein. I had yong tau foo for lunch earlier and I went for 2 extra ingredients from the minimum order. I know I will not cheat with potato chips since it will be difficult to return to avoidance once I restart again. Thus sugary drinks become the next big temptation. Thank God I remember that I still can get 0% sugar drinks as an alternative. With that, I shall close the cheat day for now and continue with the war.

The intention of going for a pilgrimage to the Holy Land is to be closer to God. Not surprising that the evil one is not happy about this and the spiritual attack I have been feeling for the past months. No matter how disciplined I am with my daily prayers and scripture readings as well as the weekly Novena and Mass, I keep feeling disconnected and ignored by God to the point of thinking perhaps I should just stop doing all these. At this point, it is no longer feels like a temptation but more like a test and tribulation.

Few weeks ago, I felt envious at others and angry at God that I had no talent to offer for the pilgrimage preparation. Seeing how some people already stepped up, I swallowed my pride to offer what I thought I could still do. When I did not get 'picked', my pride made me feel rejected and dejected. It is kind of ironic since right from the start, my original intention was to not do anything so that I can fully experience the trip without thinking of these additional tasks. So what exactly do I want?

It is a reminder for humility. Everything comes from God and even for offerings, He has the right to accept or reject since He knows the true motive in my heart. I came across a Youtube video about God tests before He will use someone. The purpose of the tests is to purify the intention to see if the person indeed wants to serve or if the person has ulterior motives. The tests are:

-Service (whether you are willing to serve and contribute with what you can offer)

-Hiddenness (when you feel invisible and unappreciated with what you are doing)

-Discouragement (when things do not turn out as well as what you expect)

-Faithfulness (whether you still press on even if you feel discouraged and hurt with what you are doing)

-Blessings (whether you forget God when things seem to be going great)

-Jealousy (when you feel that others are more blessed and have it easier than yourself)

-Faith (whether you can trust everything into God's hands, rather than your own)

Haiz.. instead of feeling jealous and angry, I should just focus on the bulletin which I am supposed to do :(

Divine reprimand

I received Tsume Ikigai statues of Gemini, Poseidon and Hades yesterday. Poseidon and Hades' boxes are surprisingly compact, which is a good thing, and it seems that I will not need to rent a new space for the next few statues. I will definitely need to reshuffle the boxes as I prefer for the boxes which still contain the statues to be on top of those without the statues.

I decided to read through the rest of the Book of Tobit to know how Tobit's life ended to find out that he passed away at the age of 112. What the!! This seems to be another divine reprimand after the homily about Ascension few weeks ago for me to stop praying to die. It is as if God was telling me off: keep praying for death like Tobit and I am gonna make you live until 112! Nooo... please no... A part of me still hopes that they miscalculated the years in the olden days and perhaps it was 42, not 112. But yeah, this is kinda crazy because I feel so discouraged and angry at God that I even dreamt about posting in my facebook that God does not exist and religion is a lie few days ago.

I am currently behaving like a spoilt brat to God and I am complaining for everything. When He gives me A, I would be angry why it is not B. When He gives me B, I would still be angry that it is not A instead. This morning I was complaining that majority had not sent me news update for the bulletin because I could not start preparing for the next bulletin yet. Now that my partner sent me the stories which she had finished editing, I am complaining because that means I can at least start preparing. Food is another example. Abstaining from the potato chips and sugary drinks annoy me so much, especially since my weight loss seems to be plateauing. Yet I felt so upset with myself after I had Popeye's for lunch yesterday and I overate for lunch yesterday. What is exactly I want? Sigh..

Not sure why I got the inkling to go to Takashimaya after gym this morning but it was nice to see the animefest at B2. It has been a blessings that I have no time to follow anime and game that much anymore since the prices for anime merchandises nowadays are mad. Anime figures nowadays are around $200 at least. Gosh! Previously when I was still crazy with collecting, anything above $100 already felt so expensive. In the end, I still bought something though. Hahaha... This time, Gundam Universe series for Heavyarms and Sandrock are on sale for $19 each. My patience pays off since I only bought discounted Wing and Deathscythe in December. Shenlong and Tallgeese are still not discounted so I shall wait. The emo thing is that my Sandrock box is crushed! I already chose and inspected to make sure I took the box with mint condition and I still missed it. Sian...