It has been a long standing thing that I am tired of living. I even pray that I can die soon, even during Mass as well as Eucharistic adoration. Yesterday I felt the ultimate shittiness after attending the Novena. The homily was on Christian endurance and the priest shared about Abraham, Moses and Job who trusted in God and did what God asked them to do. They too suffered to do the will of God but they endured and in the end God always fulfils his promise.
Hindsight is always 20/20. It is always easy to praise how good God is after the suffering has passed and we are in a better state. Unfortunately currently I feel that I don't even know what I am praying for or if there is any use. I pray for good things and they do not happen. I pray to die early and it also does not happen. After the celebration of Ascension few days ago, I am even grumbling in my prayer that even Jesus has returned to his true home in heaven so why can't He bring me quickly? Is my fucking homeless life for more than 2 decades still not enough. The homily made me feel that perhaps the 'correct' thing I should pray is for endurance to suck it up and get on with this shitty life.
Hindsight is always 20/20. It is always easy to praise how good God is after the suffering has passed and we are in a better state. Unfortunately currently I feel that I don't even know what I am praying for or if there is any use. I pray for good things and they do not happen. I pray to die early and it also does not happen. After the celebration of Ascension few days ago, I am even grumbling in my prayer that even Jesus has returned to his true home in heaven so why can't He bring me quickly? Is my fucking homeless life for more than 2 decades still not enough. The homily made me feel that perhaps the 'correct' thing I should pray is for endurance to suck it up and get on with this shitty life.
Previously when I stopped going to Church, I felt that God was what I missed. Things were better when I returned to him. Now it seems that everything is plateauing that attending Novena and going to Sunday Mass regularly, praying daily, praying Rosary daily, serving in a ministry and reading daily Bible readings do not help to make me feel better. In fact, they start to feel like bores and chores. I don't think I have the time and capacity to increase all these religious activities to search for God. The easiest way to break away from this monotony is perhaps to 'take a break from God'. That would simply mean going back full circle to where I was few years ago and I have consciously guard myself from doing that since I have been there and I know nothing good will come out from it.
Either finally God hears my cry or He get sick of my complaining that He gave me a wake up call through the homily that we should not just hope and wait for God in Heaven but instead to also find Him and establish His Kingdom on earth. Although Jesus has returned to Heaven, it does not mean that He is no longer present on earth. In my head, it felt as if Jesus was smacking my head and telling me to stop praying to die to be with Him as if He is no longer present on earth.
Haiz.. I hear you, Lord. But how long will this message last in me? It is just a temporary realisation but it does not change the fact that I am really tired. Homeless, unhealthy and unhappy so what is the point of living?
No comments:
Post a Comment