More signs

God kept me busy for the remaining of this week that I did not have much time to dwell in self pity. I usually procrastinate for the bulletin but somehow I managed to complete it this week. It took me two evenings since there was no need to burn midnight oil. More importantly, I was fed up and ran out of inspiration when editing one of the stories. It had some repetitive parts as well as points which were jumping around. The break was worth it because on the following evening, the divine inspiration came and it was so much clearer on how to rearrange and edit the story.

The frustration was a checkpoint for me to keep my head from growing to big. English was my weakest subject and my O Level was saved because of Higher Malay. It was by God's grace that somehow I was able to get B3 for GP in JC to be able to be where I am right now. In fact, never in my dreams I would ever thought I would ever be an editor when I changed job. Since this is a gift from God, perhaps it is of His purpose for me to use it for those not so good in English.

I suppose this is part of God's plan because during the first preparatory session for the Holy Land pilgrimage today, the coordinator confirmed with me about being a writer. Surprisingly, no one stepped up for that yet. Someone who did that on the previous trip shared that it was challenging and tiring to keep track and be able to get a summary of the day by the end of the day. Hearing this discouraged me because I wanted to enjoy and do nothing. After seeing the writing from the previous trip, they are actually similar to my blog posts after my own trip. Since it is something that I have been doing (although for my personal consumption), I officially say yes and let's see how it goes.

It was difficult to reflect on what I am hoping to get from the pilgrimage. Honestly I am fearful of hoping for anything because I will end up disappointed if I do not get, just like how I feel that my prayers have not been answered. After crystallising my thoughts, I suppose what I am looking for the grace of peace with my past (what has happened to me), grace of affirmation for my present that everything is indeed God's plan for me, and grace of direction for my future.

I am getting clearer messages that I should not pray for death since it will not be granted. Earlier this week, when I was posting emo facebook status, one friend messaged me and when I told him not to worry because I will never commit a suicide since it means a direct way to hell. His reply was "At least you can pray.". During the sharing today, someone said that I should be happy if I feel that I have achieved everything that I want in my life because that means I give the rest of my life to God. The most hilarious and unexpected comeback was from my friend's mum who was in the car when my friend dropped me home. She commented that my place should be huge because this is an older estate. I told her that it is not my place since I am only renting and I am only looking forward to my room in heaven which Jesus has prepared. She replied that the seminary would be able to provide a free room for me to stay.

I am very tired now since I could not really sleep last night. I drank Pokka bottled hojicha tea after 4pm Novena yesterday so the effect of avoiding all these tea and coffee drinks for the past month is clear: my body gets very sensitive to them again. Previously I could even drank them after dinner and slept like a baby. By the way, yesterday was also the first time that my petition was read during the Novena service. Unfortunately, my prayer is still unanswered :( After that, I asked how my godma is doing and it seems that her allergy issue is still unresolved and getting worse. Haiz..

I went out for lunch with a friend before going to the pilgrimage preparatory session just now. It was frustrating because he jio-ed me last Monday to go together but nearer to today, I could not tell whether the plan was still on or not. I do not know if he was busy or perhaps he changed his mind but too paiseh to tell me. I decided not to be too proud and pretended as if the plan was still on and this morning he asked whether we should have lunch together. I am not too particular about food so I let him decide. Korean food is simply not my taste even up to now. Haha... Let's see if we still will go together for the next sessions ba.