Christmas should be a joyful affair but somehow I am being overwhelmed with negativity. Physically, I am still tired after not getting proper sleep on Friday. The whiskey with 50% alcohol which I tried very little out of curiosity somehow made me feel more tired than usual. The constant changing between rainy and super hot days as well as the crowd outside are making me more irritable even when I am just going out out of necessity e.g. to go to church and to buy lunch. Mentally, I am preoccupied with my house leakage and renovation matters. I just finished figuring out the electricity matters and quotation yesterday and this morning I tried to read more about flooring as I have no idea if parquet or vinyl overlay will be better.
While feeling an utmost sense of irritability, I was suddenly struck with this thought on my bus ride home: how did Mother Mary never complain or get angry at the so-called God's plan despite having to ride a donkey and finding no room in the inn while heavily pregnant? That shall be my reflection this Christmas. I am always angry at God for my imperfect and full-of-suffering life. I question what His plan is and why even bother creating me and letting me live the live I never wish for. It is a reminder that even Jesus and the Holy Family did not have an easy life. Looks like I have no other way than to suck it up and ask for the graces required.
For we do not have a high priest who is unable to empathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet he did not sin. Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need. (Hebrews 4: 15-16).
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