Still hurting

When I feel emo because of my failure to book a slot for Easter Mass, I am at least have to be grateful that I managed to get a slot for Penitential Service this morning. As usual, the distraction and temptation not to go were huge. My game and my stomach were acting up but thank goodness everything turned out okay. I reached about 5 minutes before starting time and yet I was still within the first 20 people who arrived.

I feel that I had a good confession in the sense that what I wanted to say seemed to flow naturally. In the past, I often got stressed because I kept overthinking of what I wanted to say and so on. Unfortunately, as much as I want to let go and set myself free from all these sins, I cannot seem to let go. I unblocked my mum on Whatsapp and an hour later, the barrage of message started again. I decided to just block her again. It is better for me to do this "smaller" sin than to fall into bigger and repeated sin everytime I feel angry after reading the messages, and then ignoring after considering to reply rudely.

Honestly, I am not angry or holding grudges about my parents for not giving anything and giving me my current homeless life. What makes me very angry is when they expect me to do my duties as a child/son. If they are not doing anything as parents then they have no right to demand anything from me as a child/son. I don't need prayers as those do not give me a roof over my head. Please just stop disturbing me. Everything I am and I have and the fact that I am still living are all God's blessings so only God has the right to demand anything from me. Don't make it as if what God has given me is what you have given me.

I asked my friend to block me on Whatsapp so I know how my mum always knows when I unblock. When someone blocks you on Whatsapp, the profile picture will turn into the 'default blank' and all the messages sent out only have single tick. Once unblocked, the profile picture will reappear and messages sent have double tick (although messages sent during the blocked period will remain unsent). Since it is clear that she knows when I am blocking her, I don't give a damn anymore and just block without feeling guilty.

Since I already sinned again, I lost control over my desire in abstaining from potato chips AGAIN. Sigh.. I am just really hopeless. Yesterday I watched a Youtube video about food hack using Oreo. Crush few Oreos with some milk and microwave for 2 minutes to turn it into an Oreo cake. I was eager to try it. Initially I had trouble finding Oreo at FairPrice. After finding the biscuit section, it comes packs of 9 and I do not intend to buy so many. In the end, I decided to try using Oreo Mini. Sadly after settling the Oreo, the whole plan got busted because of the milk. Lol. Those 6-in-a-pack milks ($4+) are more expensive than the 1L ones (2 x 1L for $3+). I also do not want to buy so much milk so I put back the Oreo Mini. If only I own a home and a fridge, I don't mind keeping 2L of milk. Too bad currently the fridge at my place is usually full because of the fucking maid.

Haiz.. at the end of the day, I wonder what was the point of going for confession this morning. Not even half a day has passed and I am already falling into the same sins all over again.

Unwanted

Tired of trying and relapsing repeatedly, I decided to give up on my Lenten abstinence yesterday and I will just go for confession this Saturday. I know I was stupid to tempt myself to check out Cold Storage when I had nothing to buy. Indeed, there was potato chips on sale and I bought not only one but two, even though there was only one flavour. I never ever bought 2 bags of chips of the same flavour together. It was really addiction.

As I rejected God yesterday, I got my rejection in return today. I missed booking for Easter Sunday Mass. I am very upset and angry as I was already preparing the website since 8am. My colleague asked me something and because of that, I overlooked the time. By the time I realised, it was already 904am and Easter Sunday Mass was already fully booked. Haiz.. I hesitated for a while for 730am Good Friday Service and by the time I clicked on it, it was also fully booked.

Based on these past few months, it is impossible to get 2 weekends consecutively and over the weekend, I was contemplating between Easter Sunday or the next Sunday which is just before my birthday. I am more inclined with Easter Sunday as it is the weekend of Catholic News too. I guess now there is no need to contemplate anymore since I missed the Easter Sunday and will just have to take the following week. This is really killing my Lent and Easter mood even more.

Yesterday I felt cheated by Watsons. I opted for in-store collection as opposed to free home delivery since they said there would be $4 voucher. It turns out that the voucher has to be used on the collection day -_-. Basically instead of saving, I ended up spending more just to utilise the voucher. Darn... Next time I will just opt for the convenience of home delivery. Sian sian sian...

St Joseph

I had a random dream on Friday morning about passing by a group of SJI students who were doing their outdoor field trip. I saw teachers who were around since my time as a student and I was impressed that they were still teaching there after so long and they were still looking as they were. Another two faces were also vivid: one was another guy from another class whom I never knew and one was a classmate whom I cannot remember the name now.

I thought it was because I messed up my sleep on Thursday night. I overslept for my evening nap and I only woke up at past 2am. Then I played game for awhile before returning to sleep at past 3am. When I was scrolling through facebook newsfeed in the morning, I read a post about there is no need to observe Friday abstinence if a Solemnity falls on that Friday. Yesterday was the Solemnity of the Feast of St Joseph. Aha! So maybe this was the reason of having a dream related to my SJI nostalgia.

I went for my dental clinic this morning and I am happy that there is no major staining issue this time. I was hoping to go to gym but I could not make it. Based on the bus timing estimation, I would have just missed a bus. The next bus was in 14 minutes and it would be too late to reach my gym. Since I was already at Somerset, I decided to drop by to Donki. That was my first visit in more than a year. Oh boy... I felt everything was so expensive now. After not shopping there for so long, I am no longer immune to the prices. Having not been to Japan also does not make crave for Japanese snacks that badly. Even so, after much deliberation, I ended spending more than $20 for my lunch. Hahaha..

It may be another 6 months before I have the chance to visit Donki again so why not splurge just for this once

I am tired of hearing the word 'hospital'. After his scope on Wednesday, my uncle was discharged today. Yesterday I was told that my sister has been hospitalised due to dengue. Then this morning I received news that another uncle has stage 4 prostate cancer. It is really sad thinking that my uncles and aunties are now at the old ages and receiving news of any of them falling sick or even pass away maybe a norm soon. Haiz.. I know I should not be thinking this way but I really cannot help but wishing that I die young.

Genki desu ka?

I collected the letter from Embassy so I shall not be burdened by any of these matters anymore. Again I am overwhelmed by negativity towards my parents. Great! After leaving me homeless for more than half of my life, now my mum still pressured me that as a son I should do this and that. Pui! Still dare to say son without seeing what kind of parents asking their children to be hopeless. Haiz.. I know it is wrong to bear this grudge but I am simply I cannot get over this even by praying on this daily.

I went to gym after that and I am glad to see one coach who I had not been seeing was actually away for reservist. Haha..  I would be sad if he actually left. Recently there are too many new coaches in the gym and I prefer familiar face.

I was supposed to have a dinner appointment on Thursday but my friend asked if today would be good. Just nice and she agreed to meet at Orchard. I have not been to Orchard since before CNY so it was therapeutic. Sadly, Doraemon statue outside Gucci at Paragon is no longer there. I enjoyed myself at Kinokuniya. Now there are self-check out stations but interestingly, they were not used while the queue for the cashiers persisted. I noticed that there are more light novels than mangas nowadays. These light novels also have long and funny titles. Just an example that caught my eyes is titled The Hero is Overpowered by Overly Cautious. Anyway I am not that interested with light novels. I have enough of reading text from my daily work.

So far my waiting to buy list still only consists of Slam Dunk Illustration Book 2 and Haikyuu! Complete Illustration book. There is nothing else that I am interested to buy yet. I realise that I may be slowly growing out of this hobby as well. I saw 2 FFXV artbooks. Normally I would be excited to get them collection but I was not excited at all. It maybe because I do not play FFXV but previously I had bought a FFXV artbook.

The same sentiment continued when I was at the Toy Fair at Takashimaya B1. PG Wing Zero Custom Pearl Edition was on sale for $329. The original price is over $600. Normally I would be very very excited and tempted but today I was like: I have no space so don't even think of buying. I did not even bother to google what the original price is to see if the $329 sale price was real or fake discount. Haha... Usually I would do that if I am really interested in sale goods.

I suck in recommending food but initially I had Ma Maison in mind since it was one of the restaurants I passed by when I was loitering at Takashimaya. After my friend arrived, I suggested to her to check out the B2 area near the underpass. I have not been there since COVID area since the underpass there is closed and is only accessible from B1. There is nothing interesting there and before going up the escalator, we decided to have Genki Sushi.

Genki Sushi always has long queue so we were quite excited to see only a pair queuing. Now Genki Sushi is advanced with automated queue number generator so that must be the reason why there was nobody queueing although there were already 5 groups in the queue. Since there were only only 2 groups of two people, we would be the third and we decided that it should not take that long. It turned out to be still almost 15 minutes of wait. Haha.. If there were more people loitering there and the 15 minutes wait was displayed, I would definitely find something else as I hate queueing for food.

It was my second time ever eating at Genki and I still cannot understand why people love it so much. I agree that the quality is not bad but I think the price is not that cheap and the serving is not filling. If not because of my recent stomach woes, I would definitely spend more than the $23 today.

The random post title is simply because I ate Genki earlier. Lol. Anyway the answer is genki jyanai. I am still tired after 'chionging' my online photobook yesterday. This maybe my last one since I don't know if I will create one for my Taiwan trip. I may have to check the photos if they are nice as for me, Taiwan is not as memorable in Japan haha.. I chionged because I got a free $11.90 credit that had to be utilised by 23 March. I did not know if I could use that to buy discounted voucher and if I had to use it for shipping fee then I had to finish the book by the 23rd. It turned out that I could use it to offset the voucher. I rushed for nothing since I cannot process the book this week as the delivery may come on the week when I am in office. I will only process it on the week when I am in the office so it will arrive when I am working from home. The good thing is that I will have 1.5 weeks to do the final check and touch up. Huhuhu... where is the joy? Creating online photobook should be a joy instead of causing me stress.

Abalone

I was in the office last week and although I only went for 3 days, my body already got used to waking up early and I have not been able to sleep past 7am. Interestingly, the sleep disruption is always accompanied game-related dreams. I think I am playing Genshin Impact too much. The other day I dreamt to get a 5 star bow out of one random pull. I tried it after waking up and obviously, dream is not reality. Meh.. I am still lacking a good bow in the game and I am eager with the upcoming update this coming week as it will be giving a free bow. Looks like I am so excited until it goes to my dream.

This morning the dream was quite hilarious. I somehow become a game character and I receive my best weapon in game. However, the name of the weapon is super lame: abalone. I wonder how abalone went into my brain as it is not something I like to eat and I have not been thinking or reading anything about abalone before I sleep. It is a magic-related weapon and being me, the orb is green and blue colour. I woke up after that. Haha...

I am used to having my meals while watching drama series and my tolerance is gradually increased. Previously I survived eating while watching autopsy as well as murder scenes. I just had a level up for my lunch earlier by watching someone having a diarrhea. Yes it was only the sound effect and the image of the toilet being flushed but still. Hahaha.. I wonder what other disgusting thing that may appear while I am eating.

Functional dyspepsia

My H. pylori and biopsy test results are negative. Since there is nothing proven wrong, the diagnosis is functional dyspepsia. Stress is usually the reason which is peculiar since I am not feeling consciously stressed at the moment. At least, not in an obvious stressful condition like with my previous job. Oh well maybe the problem with bitches and my drowning in sorrow over my homelessness are causing me stress subconsciously. I should be grateful that everything is negative but instead a part of me is disappointed that I do not get 'You have 6 more months to live' or something. Then I could just resign from my job, fly home and enjoy the remaining 6 months at home.

I went to the Embassy today to get a letter to prove that I am now domiciled in Singapore. One of the banks in Indonesia is making it difficult for my mum to settle my dad's stuff with the bank. It is so fucking lame that the bank wants such a letter when I already have an attorney letter stating that I give authorisation to settle things on my behalf. Hello, if it is not because of COVID, you think I will not want to go to the bank to settle also meh.

The online application shows that the next available slot is in June. I wrote in and I am glad that I was able to be given today. I thought the system is already advanced with online application but it is actually just a facade. Hahaha.. In the end, the actual appointment is still assigned by embassy staff manually. It was cloudy this morning so it was a comfortable walk from the bus stop to the embassy. Hopefully the weather is also friendly on Monday when I am collecting the letter.

Bitch again

Bitch strikes again. Seriously I think it is easier to be a nastier bitch than to be a non-bitch when dealing with bitch. Yesterday my colleague expected me to inform her when her 'trainee' is not around, just because she is the trainer. Oh please bitch. Don't get your head up in your ass. I am also training more people, I have to approve leaves and yet I am not as anal as you about this. If you cannot find your trainee, just deal with it one-on-one. If she is not around, then just do something else first instead of pulling your 'wasting my time' card. It is not my concern if you choose to be stupid to waste your time wasting for a reply.

Anyway as usual, I only replied "Oh she is not around today" to her barrage of self-inflation of her role and worth. I am not going to do what she asks. Who does she think she is that she needs special attention for me to update her about leave status. Even my boss does not ask me to do that. Move over bitch ~~

I was not allowed to donate blood because my scopes are considered minor surgery and I have to wait for 3 months T_T I was expecting that my rabeprazole and lubiprostone would be the reason for rejection yesterday but aaah.. I never expected that scopes are considered surgery. The good thing that came out from my 'wasting time' to the blood bank is the conversation with the medical screener. She went for scope before and she assured me if previously I take proton pump inhibitors, the gastric polyp is likely benign due to the PPIs. I cannot remember the name of the polyp that she was saying. Let's see if that is true during my follow-up appointment after my scopes will be today.

To complete the series of disaster, the lightbulb in my room is dead this morning. Sigh.. What a disastrous day since yesterday.

Getting better.. hopefully

I was okay on Tuesday and was able to resume gym-ing. Sadly, I had the stomach discomfort again on Wednesday. It was not gastric pain but the feeling that the food was not going down. It was better on Thursday since I still managed to exercise. Yet, even after the exercise, the 'full' feeling did not go away. Luckily, it has been alright since Friday.

I noticed a pattern: my stomach was feeling slightly better when I had potato chips the night before. A perfect excuse for my lack of discipline with my abandoned Lenten promise. I did not have any potato chips on Friday but my stomach was okay yesterday so potato chips played no role in all these. Still, I went to buy yesterday. Haha.. I sort of lost it since the Winnie the Pooh cold cup (which I bought for my sister) from Coffee Bean came with a free drink which I did not expect. It was a waste of calories since the mocha was so diluted that I hardly tasted any coffee or chocolate. I am past my addiction for such Starbucks or Coffee Bean drinks so the sucky mocha at least did not tempt me to return.

Since my stomach has nothing to do with potato chips, I am resuming my abstinence again from this third Sunday of Lent. I managed to resist the temptation today so I am confident that I would be able to last until Easter.

From the past 2 weekends, Grab is falling out of my favour and I am returning to Deliveroo. I noticed that Grab's delivery free is dishonest. The 'more information' seems to suggest that the delivery fee surges to get more driver but it is actually dynamic depending on the total order. I tested it on the same moment by changing my total order from past $8, $10 and $12 and the delivery fee kept changing. The final straw was this morning. Delivery fees of $5-$6+ only at 10am is just ridiculous. Before these past 2 weeks, I only noticed higher delivery fees nearer 12pm which is reasonable considering that is close to lunch time when many people may be ordering. That prompted me to check Deliveroo and ooh la la.. Yesterday I forced myself to order $15 to get 15% off in Grab while Deliveroo is having the 20% off for $12 from the same restaurant plus Grab's fee was 1.5x of Deliveroo's for this.

And tomorrow is my week of reporting to office. Sian -_-

Double WHammy

Health

It is funny that I was okay after my scopes on Friday but I felt constantly sleepy over the weekend. I mostly slept over the weekend although the weather was uncomfortably hot. The thing that bothered me the most, however, is that I am having gastric since Saturday :( I think I overate on Saturday to the point that I skipped dinner as I was still full and my gastric was painful. Because of that, I did not eat that much yesterday. I had early dinner at 430pm and yet I felt stuffed until my bedtime. Sigh.. I only had porridge and dimsum so it was weird that they stayed so long in the stomach. Today I went back to my lunch as usual and still my gastric is not normal. The worst part is that this gastric pain still occurred despite my rabeprazole BD.

I was worried for not passing motion at all on Saturday despite lubiprostone. On Sunday, I passed 6 times. Haha.. Okay, my bowel is working and the drug is working. After washing my backside, I felt a difference so it is true that I did have hemorrhoids -_-"

Now I am thinking what else to check if I am still having this gastric and indigestion after my scopes results are generally okay. I am also pissed with my family and relatives who try to be busybody after seeing my photo after the scopes. I think my mum asked my cousins to try to get info from me as I am ignoring her. Well, I am also ignoring  my cousins and my aunt. Hehe.. Sorry.. You all cannot help me so it is better for you all to not know and not to disturb me. Noone cares when I am not sick so why should they care when I am sick.

Wealth

My gamble on Friday to hit $500 spending requirement failed big time. Only 2 out of 5 transactions I made were posted. I don't know what happens to Apple that 3 transactions have not been processed until today even though I made those purchases consecutively.

As a result, I was still short of $30. After checking my past history, I still stood a chance since Grab and Fair Price transaction usually takes 1 day to be posted. I spent $20 on lunch and $10 on groceries on Saturday. The lunch caused me the gastric but at least it was successfully posted. Unfortunately, the groceries are still not posted. In all, I am short of $7 to get the ~$30 interest. I broke my Lent commitment again since I had to buy potato chips to get $10 for groceries and I unnecessarily spent on game.

This is why chasing after money is tiring and pointless. My gym membership will be up in around 4 months and after that I think I should return to the monthly payment. Although I may 'lose' around 10% off as compared to annual payment, at least monthly payment will guarantee my $500 credit card monthly spending. That will be spare me the agony of counting and then spending unnecessarily.

Talking about gym, I skipped again today as my stomach is uncomfortable. I have skipped for more than 2  weeks now. Haiz..