I participated at Novena Outreach for my church ministry yesterday. Initially I was worried if I could get out of my comfort zone because approaching strangers is something an introvert like me will naturally do. Not to mention that this is for church stuff and the last time I did this was before COVID. Thank God I managed to get out of my comfort zone. In fact, I felt that the discomfort made me focus on God and it was a sacrifice on my part to do God's work. That feels better than doing something I can comfortably do which will usually be a fertile ground for pride to come in and I will lose the sense of doing God's work.
I did two slots (10am-12pm and 12pm-2pm) just to make wearing and washing the Landings t-shirt a bit more worthwhile hahaha.. The best gift for me is looking at myself in the photos because I can honestly say that my diet has shown success and I am happy to see how thin and not round my face has become. I feel like I am back to my older days. 'Older' in the sense of the year but younger in terms of age. Haha.. My jeans were slipping bad quite badly, which proves that my waist circumference has dropped too, that for the first time in my life I am thinking that I should buy a new pair with smaller size.
I did not do 4pm-6pm slot but I am very happy to hear that the crowd was good. I was worried because I was the one who asked the coordinator to consider not ending at 4pm as the original plan. I usually attend 4pm Novena and I know it is more crowded than 12pm and 2pm. And based on the previous weeks, the priest would still be introducing the group who was doing the outreach for that day and encouraged the congregation to check out the booth. So it would be funny if the priest said that and there was already no booth. Actually I did not really care but the coordinator said to add another slot due to 'my intel'. Alamak it became as if it was my idea haha... Well, God, I have done my part.
Today is the first time I broke me streak of 5x weekly for gym. I decided to give my body an extra day to recover. I even decided not to go for my usual 7am Mass although I woke up on time. I was contemplating if I should go for gym at 10am and then 5pm Mass after the pilgrimage preparatory session. In the end, I skipped gym for 930am Mass and I went for 5pm Mass again because two other persons who were sharing the car with me were attending the 5pm Mass. I did not mind going again since I would only sleep if I went home anyway.
It is kind of amazing that I went for Novena 2x yesterday (I followed the 10am and 12pm Novena from the TV outside the church during the outreach) and Mass 2x despite feeling angry and having toxic relationship with God. I started to dread going for the pilgrimage preparatory session because I rather sleeping or playing game. Ironically, I could feel God's encouragement through the people I interacted with.
When I was sharing about how I am currently feeling that my relationship is very toxic with God, an auntie who shared the same sentiment remarked that the way I described it was very cute. During the fellowship, an uncle said he missed hearing my laughter. He finds my laughter as genuine and joyful. I told him that my laughter is just a facade and not representative of what I am feeling inside. He said that everyone is stressed with life but not many can still laugh the way I do.
They are not the first people who told me that. It made me reflect that perhaps indeed it is really a gift from God that I take for granted: to be able to laugh, spread joy and have a positive and welcoming disposition despite all the brokenness I am feeling inside. Of course the sinister side of me says when prayer and complaining cannot help, what else I can do other than to laugh at all the shit in my life and get on with life. If my brokenness can bring joy to others, have I not done enough for me to be eternally happy with you, dear God?
This also coincides with today's readings about treasure and Solomon's wish. I think I have given up everything for God. I did not pursue a girl a few years ago because she is not a Catholic. Now I am stressed about buying a condo because I want to be near a church so that location and laziness will not become a source for to start skipping Mass again. Haiz.. I can easily find an affordable condo if I do not care about proximity to church. I know this sounds fucked up but I keep saying I want to die because I realise my treasure is to be in heaven with God and nothing in the world is worth living for anymore in exchange of early death. A question posed today is what would I wish for if like Solomon, God will grant me something I ask for. My answer will still remain to be with Him in heaven right here right now. If God still wants me to be alive, at least tell me what He wants me to do with my life and I will do it because there is nothing I desire anymore.
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