Laughter is a gift

I participated at Novena Outreach for my church ministry yesterday. Initially I was worried if I could get out of my comfort zone because approaching strangers is something an introvert like me will naturally do. Not to mention that this is for church stuff and the last time I did this was before COVID. Thank God I managed to get out of my comfort zone. In fact, I felt that the discomfort made me focus on God and it was a sacrifice on my part to do God's work. That feels better than doing something I can comfortably do which will usually be a fertile ground for pride to come in and I will lose the sense of doing God's work.

I did two slots (10am-12pm and 12pm-2pm) just to make wearing and washing the Landings t-shirt a bit more worthwhile hahaha.. The best gift for me is looking at myself in the photos because I can honestly say that my diet has shown success and I am happy to see how thin and not round my face has become. I feel like I am back to my older days. 'Older' in the sense of the year but younger in terms of age. Haha.. My jeans were slipping bad quite badly, which proves that my waist circumference has dropped too, that for the first time in my life I am thinking that I should buy a new pair with smaller size.

I did not do 4pm-6pm slot but I am very happy to hear that the crowd was good. I was worried because I was the one who asked the coordinator to consider not ending at 4pm as the original plan. I usually attend 4pm Novena and I know it is more crowded than 12pm and 2pm. And based on the previous weeks, the priest would still be introducing the group who was doing the outreach for that day and encouraged the congregation to check out the booth. So it would be funny if the priest said that and there was already no booth. Actually I did not really care but the coordinator said to add another slot due to 'my intel'. Alamak it became as if it was my idea haha... Well, God, I have done my part.

Today is the first time I broke me streak of 5x weekly for gym. I decided to give my body an extra day to recover. I even decided not to go for my usual 7am Mass although I woke up on time. I was contemplating if I should go for gym at 10am and then 5pm Mass after the pilgrimage preparatory session. In the end,  I skipped gym for 930am Mass and I went for 5pm Mass again because two other persons who were sharing the car with me were attending the 5pm Mass. I did not mind going again since I would only sleep if I went home anyway.

It is kind of amazing that I went for Novena 2x yesterday (I followed the 10am and 12pm Novena from the TV outside the church during the outreach) and Mass 2x despite feeling angry and having toxic relationship with God. I started to dread going for the pilgrimage preparatory session because I rather sleeping or playing game. Ironically, I could feel God's encouragement through the people I interacted with.

When I was sharing about how I am currently feeling that my relationship is very toxic with God, an auntie who shared the same sentiment remarked that the way I described it was very cute. During the fellowship, an uncle said he missed hearing my laughter. He finds my laughter as genuine and joyful. I told him that my laughter is just a facade and not representative of what I am feeling inside. He said that everyone is stressed with life but not many can still laugh the way I do.

They are not the first people who told me that. It made me reflect that perhaps indeed it is really a gift from God that I take for granted: to be able to laugh, spread joy and have a positive and welcoming disposition despite all the brokenness I am feeling inside. Of course the sinister side of me says when prayer and complaining cannot help, what else I can do other than to laugh at all the shit in my life and get on with life. If my brokenness can bring joy to others, have I not done enough for me to be eternally happy with you, dear God?

This also coincides with today's readings about treasure and Solomon's wish. I think I have given up everything for God. I did not pursue a girl a few years ago because she is not a Catholic. Now I am stressed about buying a condo because I want to be near a church so that location and laziness will not become a source for to start skipping Mass again. Haiz.. I can easily find an affordable condo if I do not care about proximity to church. I know this sounds fucked up but I keep saying I want to die because I realise my treasure is to be in heaven with God and nothing in the world is worth living for anymore in exchange of early death. A question posed today is what would I wish for if like Solomon, God will grant me something I ask for. My answer will still remain to be with Him in heaven right here right now. If God still wants me to be alive, at least tell me what He wants me to do with my life and I will do it because there is nothing I desire anymore.

Scary calories

It seems that I am lighter in the morning because my weighing machine hit 59 kg this morning! Yay. Though I am now 60 kg, I am happy that there is still chance for me to go under 60 kg to eventually reach my 53-55 kg goal. I already blew it away by celebrating with an ice yuan yang.

The temptations do not end there. With 3 Kettle for $11+ promo is still on going until 2 Aug, Cold Storage adds 2 Ruffles for $8.80 promo too. Gosh! What stopped me in the end was the realisation of how much calories these junk food contain. A bag of these 140g+ potato chips contains almost 800 kcal while a bottle of my favourite mocha drink has slightly more than 300 kcal. Compare that to 200 kcal for 2 bananas for dinner, it is not a surprise how I manage to pile up so much weight.

The temptations are getting worse because I am even looking at alternatives now. At the top of the list is sour cream Calbee. After resisting Cold Storage earlier, I decided to buy at mamashop near my place but God saved me. The mamashop currently only has the hot and spicy flavour which I do not like. Heng ah!

Nevertheless, I have accept that my weight loss is slowing down. I was 61 kg at the start of July and it is impossible to reach my 58 kg goal by month end which is only 3 days away. Haiz. But something positive comes from me blogging this. I finally learn the difference between Calorie (with capital C) vs calorie vs kcal (kilocalorie). The one with capital C is actually the same as kcal. There goes my confusion because kcal is supposed to be 1000 cal. It is just a matter of big or small C.

Toxic relationship with God

I can finally empathise with the elder brother of the prodigal son in the parable. I feel that I have been doing everything to follow the will of the Father but He never seems to give me what I want. I do not wish for a party or a fattened calf. I just wish to go home but He does not allow it. He only wants me to live and labour. I am just being provided with daily needs enough to go on but no place to rest, no happiness, no friends, no meaning.

My planned roommate for pilgrimage finally receives the job offer and is allowed to take leave for the pilgrimage. I am happy for him but I am jealous at the same time because God grants his wish while my prayers are unanswered. I am also still worrying over my visa, which is pointless to worry for now since the application period is not even here yet. I informed my friend to arrange for house viewing in August and then I realise the one I am eyeing for has increased the listing price by 10%. Haiz.. Looks like I have to start looking at 1-room around my area. Alternatively, my only choice for 2-room which I can afford is Gem Residences at Toa Payoh. Again, my anger to God is misplaced since it is not November yet, the deadline I set to stop 'waiting' and just select a unit to buy.

Honestly, I do not even feel like praying to stop myself from being a hypocrite. "May it be done according to Your will" is just a lip service since praying means asking and I will be disappointed/angry/frustrated when it is His Will, but not My will.

Today I did not go to gym. I was lazy to fulfil my promise to attend daily Mass when I skip gym since last week I already skipped once because of tiredness and currently I feel that my relationship with God is toxic. God only wants me to accept His will while I am angry if He does not grant what I ask. The worst part is the distant feeling despite my attempt to connect. I feel like chasing someone who is not interested in me. If God is a human, I will already walk away from this toxic relationship.

Somehow God gave me the perseverance and resilience to resist temptation. He definitely wanted me me to listen the homily when the priest said: the people who like to complain are usually hard to die. Oh shit oh shit! No wonder I am still alive.

FUG

The title is not meant to be a pun. It is an abbreviation of what I am feeling right now: F U God. My ballot for CER failed yesterday. I am disappointed, angry and upset about that. It makes me a hypocrite when I pray "May Your will be done". The whole 'it is not God's time yet for you to attend' and 'others may need the retreat more than you' are bullshit to me since I totally had no idea about CER at all until when a priest told me. If it was not God's plan for me than I don't know what. So what was the point of giving me the message to attend this retreat if it was not His plan for  me to attend now?

Attending the ballot was such a waste of time. I cannot understand why the organiser cannot just do it automatically and inform whether the applicants are successful. Why did they have to waste the time of more than 420 people to attend the ballot physically? This is not Sheng Shiong lucky draw or something. I was not as pissed as wasting time since usually I would be doing my volunteering shift on Saturday morning anyway. What makes me really angry is all the stress and prayers for the past few months for this retreat only not to be able to go.  Seriously what the FUG.

Ironically or surprisingly, I still went to Novena yesterday and Mass this morning despite my sentiment. The Gospel today is about the wheat vs darnel. Perhaps God wants to remind me to be patient with this plan. Wheat and darnel look very similar in early stage and hence they can only be differentiated after they mature. I may be feeling very angry about my ballot failure but perhaps He has something else planned for me. Maybe I have to be somewhere else during the reatreat dates? Or maybe I will get spiritual enlightenment before the retreat dates that I do not need the retreat anymore? Or maybe He will call me to heaven by then? For now my self-consolation is that my thought that I am done with living and hope to die and be in heaven ASAP is not wrong that I need the retreat to change my mind. In other words, I have God's approval.

My diet this week was derailed by social gatherings. First was with my Landings group from the COVID run. It was my first time trying Hokkaido-Ya as well as Kith Cafe. I tried the white curry udon since I never come across it previously. I don't think there is anything unique, special or memorable about it though. Hahaha... Kith Cafe is surprisingly not as bad as I thought lol. It does not really make want to visit again though since I am past all these cafe stuff with my loose stools after cold milky drinks nowadays.

Yesterday was dinner at my aunt's place to commemorate the second dad anniversary of my uncle. Someone brought Thai fried banana and fried yam which were the most memorable food from the night. They are unique since the batter is different from the usual Chinese or Malay fried banana/yam. Unfortunately the batter for the fried yam was so tough that it was painful to bite and chew. The batter was so thick that it felt more like eating dough than eating yam. The banana was the less ripe type so they had texture instead of the usual soggy type.

The important lesson learnt from these two sessions is that my stomach has shrunk to the point that even having normal dinner makes my stomach uncomfortably full even when I go to bed. Haiz.. And yet why am I still not losing weight :(

Yesterday I carried my cousin's 7-month-old boy and that was my first time ever carrying an infant. It was our first time seeing each other so I found it really cute that he did not cry and he comfortably snuggled. I think I was even more anxious than him. But nope, that experience did not trigger any sense of fatherhood in me hahaha... I still prefer to die young or even now if possible. I am not interested in bringing an innocent life into the world which I myself want to avoid.

I was tempted to check out Uniqlo again to buy what I decided not to buy last Sunday. In the end, I managed to resist by thinking that National Day is coming so there may be sale. Haiz.. but I really currently I have enough clothes that I do not need to buy any. However, I decided to get clothes hanger from Daiso but from Thomson Plaza which meant that I did not go to Orchard today. Hehe...

Food temptation

I was introduced to Chateraise ice cream last Sunday by my buddy for pilgrimage. Knowing the prices of their cakes, I find it mind-blowing that these Japanese ice cream prices are so cheap ($1.20-$2.70), even cheaper than those from mama shop downstairs. The range of available flavours and options are huge. Looks like I have found an alternative to spend my extra coins instead of getting bottled drinks. Hehe...

I also succumbed to Pizza Hut Pocket Pleasers. I was tempted to get the regular pan for $6 but thank goodness I managed to restrain myself from overeating and settle with personal pan for $3. I was already hungry before gym but that was more bearable than the feeling of overeating if I were to get the regular pan.

Going to supermarket is also like going to a battle zone. Kettles is still having buy 3 for $11+ sale. The saving grace is that I no longer see the BBQ and the Cheese flavours anymore, which means there is only Honey Dijon which I like. There is no point for me to buy 3 bags of the same flavour or even worse, to get the Sea Salt or the Salt and Vinegar which I do not really enjoy. Still, the temptation is there and when it gets unbearable, I usually end up with $1 Meadows. It is a perfect definition of addiction: getting an alternative with something even if it does not give the same 'high' as the original thing I want.

Sugary bottled drink temptation is also back with my favourite Pokka Mocha and Peppermint Mocha discounted at $1.40 until end of the month. Their prices have increased so much to $1.80 that they are no longer tempting if not on sale. For my sanity, I give myself some slack on the weekends. However, I ended up with the zero sugar houjicha daily, even twice daily on some days. That is actually breaking my goal to minimise all these bottled drinks altogether. And as expected, as I am drinking these more frequently compared to last month, they no longer induce wakefulness. I still can sleep soundly even when I drink at dinner time. Bad bad...

My mid-year appraisal went okay on Thursday. Well usually, mid-year is okay because people have not started bitching about me. This year has been good and better than last year with team goals are generally met and things are not breaking apart. It seems that my slacking time is over soon since there is a plan to move my team lead to another team. This means I have to be more involved with all the admin work for the year-end appraisals. That also means I have to be more involved with the work and training of everyone as well as to train new team lead. It simply means things are moving in circle: I did those a few years ago until I could relax a bit when team lead was ready. Honestly I do not mind since that will allow me to spend even less time with the bitches here. Hehe...

Unfortunately work also pissed me off this week when my boss asked about pay for the people we want to promote this mid-year. It makes me realised how fucked up the HR salary scale is. People who are promoted off-cycle during mid-year usually do not perform as well as those promoted at the start of the year. However, with how fucked up the salary scale is, these people would end up at pathetic increment in terms of monetary value (if we simply follow job grade) or at higher job grade (if we want them to have a reasonable increment in monetary value) than the better performers promoted earlier. It is rubbish that increment at the typical cycle is more stingy than off-cycle. Perhaps the more annoying part for me was how my boss initially did not scrutinise these details. Sheesh.. no wonder my pay changes have been pathetic.

It upset me enough that I contacted my friend, who asked me to apply for a position early this year, to let me know again of future openings if my desired salary is within possibility. By next year, I have no guilt to leave since I have spent more than 5 years in current company and it has been at least a year since my promotion.

I overate for lunch that I had difficulty deciding on dinner yesterday. I did not want to overeat again, yet I was lazy to eat banana and I wanted to avoid refined carbohydrates such as bread. When I made up my mind to get 3 mini buns, the queue was long. So I decided to try roast chicken polo bun from Joy Luck Teahouse which did not have queue. I ended up have to wait 5 minutes for them to heat up -_-" I went to Uniqlo to kill time and that tempted me to Conan UT T-shirts which are currently on sale for $14.90. The Kaito Kid design really catches my interest.

I kind of want to wait until they go down to $9.90 but I am also worried that only the XS and S would remain when that happened. I decided to go to Uniqlo at ION after gym today since I also wanted to check if Daiso sells clothes hanger. I went home empty handed. Haha.. Daiso sells clothes hanger but I told myself I do not need extra la. At Uniqlo, I ended up more distracted with the pants on sale haha.. Too bad the berms on sale are all with button or hook type. I prefer those berms just with string or rubber waistband for a more relaxed feel. So yeah, pass to that orange chino which was really tempting. Well I saw a corduroy long pants which met my requirement of no hook or button. In the end I did not buy them because I thought it would be too baggy and my butt would be too big. The desire for Conan T-shirts just evaporated when I saw the healthy stock hahaha... Seriously ah.. when it comes to clothes, only necessity can make me buy them without much thinking.

Food tempted me again with food fair at Takashimaya. I went for Korean pancakes ($5 for kimchi and $6 for scallop) which were over-priced. I just wanted some variety over Tori-Q or yakisoba which I normally have for my Sunday lunches if I happen to go to Orchard. I was woken up from my afternoon nap because of hunger. The two pancakes were too light but that was okay. Ironically now I prefer a bit of hunger to the feeling of overeating. But still no further weight lost so far :'(

Ironies

My life experiences have taught me to be self-sufficient and not to depend on others for validations or acceptance. It has served me well when others want to put me down. Ironically, this attitude is a double-edged sword for the things I dislike about myself since no matter what positive things others say, I will still be negative and critical about them.

I have been fretting over my facial complexion I think is getting worse since I stop going to the dermatologist and applying her various creams. In addition, I cannot defy aging and my wrinkles are getting more obvious. Sigh.. Surprisingly, I am still getting "Are you studying or working?" and "You look like in your late 20s." from people who just know me from the very first time. I should learn to be grateful that God has indeed me a youthful look despite my own feeling that the youthfulness has somewhat faded.

On Tuesday, my friend was in a car when he saw me walking towards OCBC. He took my photo from the side and shucks .. my butt and thighs are so fat! No wonder I cannot go down below 60kg. They are muscles according to one of my gym coaches when I told her about it. Haiz.. that's why I do not like to push myself at the gym because all I need right now is just to reach 53-55kg and lose belly fat. Again this is just me being extremely negative because the first photo my friend sent me was slightly angled. He had another one which is exactly from the side and that does not look too bad. Anyway, I will only trust the weighing machine for all this diet-related woes.

My faith continues to waver despite all the effort with prayers, attending mass, reading the Bible, etc. I felt so upset and angry at the Gospel reading on last Sunday. I have given my everything to follow God's plan and persevere in this life that I hate and never ask but I never feel that I have found the life that Jesus promised. The whole reading and homily felt like rubbish to me and I found myself cursing at life during the Liturgy of the Eucharist.

I also realise that my involvement in church activity has been perverted by pride. I feel jealous with those who can contribute because it makes me realise that my talents are not for those church activities such as praying, singing, etc. I feel annoyed with people who step up or appear overly enthusiastic as if they are very important for these church activities. Despite feeling all these, I know this is the work of the devil because looking back, my reason for joining a church ministry is for personal faith. My goal is never about contributing/serving/making use of my talents so why am I getting upset over these now. I can only pray that God will shelter me from such sentiments and help me to overcome them when they pester me. The irony is I choose not to step up because I want to minimise interaction and potential negativity from working with church people.

My partner for the quarterly bulletin has decided to step down in order to spend more time taking care of her father. I have a mixed feeling about this. On the bright side, there is no need to have a discussion anymore since I am alone now. Previously, I felt rather irritated when she asked for meetings to discuss the themes because anything was okay with me and I was not really bothered about themes. I also found it annoying when she tried to interfere with the writers selection, which is not our task. Our task is to contact parish coordinators for the writers and it is up to them to decide. However, she has been the one doing all the PR-related task to liaise with people while I am mostly doing the typing, editing and designing. Now I am not looking forward to dealing with the people. Anyway when I was first approached about this role, I thought I would be alone. So to have someone else helping for the past two years has been a tremendous blessing.

Unlike last week when I was upset hearing about life in Jesus, I was surprised that I found today's Gospel about finding rest in Jesus to be comforting. I realise that all the heavy loads that overburden me are all my own pride, wants, sins and expectations. If I can truly surrender everything to God, I will not even have to be worried about things which are yet to come and are beyond my control such as if I would be able to successfully ballot for CER, my visa application, my plan to buy a house, my health and my purpose in life. I wonder if praying for these is a sign of my worry because I am still holding the hope that God will grant the things I want. Or should I stop praying about these altogether if I truly want to surrender everything to Him?

Cutting some slack

I was 1 kg under meeting my weight loss goal last week. I decided to cut myself some slack this week since losing 7 kg in 3 months is not bad after all. Clearly that was not a wise decision because I end up gaining 1 kg at the end of the week. Sigh.. It is gonna be tough to aim for another 9 kg in the next 3 months. Unexpectedly, I am not haunted by the desire for more Kettles and bottled drinks. In fact, I did not especially look out for them and merely bought Kettles because of the ongoing promotion and bought bottled drinks when I had extra coins. I am quite confident to revert to the discipline again will not be as hard as when I started avoiding them initially.

Another reason for cutting some slack this week is because I had 4 church gatherings in the past 5 days which meant that I would be eating more my usual dinner anyway. On Tuesday, I was asked for a dinner before the meeting so I ended up having a Western meal. Yesterday was buffet for social night and I only tried a little bit of everything. As a bonus, one of my friends from SEA Games pharmacy from a few years ago jio-ed me for a catch up. I proposed having pancake at the Japanese fusion restaurant which took over Tuk Tuk Cha at Junction 8. Surprisingly, that restaurant is already replaced with a Taiwanese restaurant and I ended up with bubble tea. Huhuhu...

Ironically despite all the church stuff this week, my faith is hitting the bottom again with the thoughts and praying to die coming back. I also find it annoying when church aunties like to suggest single young man to be a priest. While I am thankful to God for my 'babyface', I am no longer a young man and I am past the age limit for people who want to be a priest. I am never closing the door for the possibility of being a priest since I even attended a vocation session before COVID. Since there was no response, I take it as God's way that it is not my calling. Somehow recently these thoughts return and I have been praying for a sign. I do not know if suggestions from random aunties are the signs. Considering my unworthiness and my age, I simply no longer have the 'face' to even consider this as a calling. God knows that at this point, what I will consider as an obvious sign is only when a priest is giving me that suggestion. At least a priest will be able to advise if my age will really be an issue before I discern further. Otherwise, I will be forever stuck in wondering and wandering what I should do in my life. Haiz.. at the end what can I do? Everything is according to God's will and timing.