Spiritual attack

What is the point of living when I cannot eat, cannot play game, cannot sleep what/whenever I want? Haiz.. These are the last few things that I am still enjoy doing. I rushed through the latest Genshin Impact event on Sunday just before the event ended. This is the second consecutive event that I had to do so which means that I did not really have the time to play as much as before for at least the past month. My body has not adjusted to my attempt to sleep by 12 midnight and I have been not been able to sleep throughout the 7 hours as I hope for. Most of the time, it is because I need to pee which means I need to take my night supplement earlier so that I do not overdrink nearer my bed time. Even the chickens downstairs start to wake me up again while last month I was worried that I no longer slept as light as usual as I was no longer bothered by them.

I decided to have a cheat day to keep my sanity in check. My body was sore after gym yesterday and I skipped yesterday's banana with the excuse that soreness indicated that I needed some protein. I had yong tau foo for lunch earlier and I went for 2 extra ingredients from the minimum order. I know I will not cheat with potato chips since it will be difficult to return to avoidance once I restart again. Thus sugary drinks become the next big temptation. Thank God I remember that I still can get 0% sugar drinks as an alternative. With that, I shall close the cheat day for now and continue with the war.

The intention of going for a pilgrimage to the Holy Land is to be closer to God. Not surprising that the evil one is not happy about this and the spiritual attack I have been feeling for the past months. No matter how disciplined I am with my daily prayers and scripture readings as well as the weekly Novena and Mass, I keep feeling disconnected and ignored by God to the point of thinking perhaps I should just stop doing all these. At this point, it is no longer feels like a temptation but more like a test and tribulation.

Few weeks ago, I felt envious at others and angry at God that I had no talent to offer for the pilgrimage preparation. Seeing how some people already stepped up, I swallowed my pride to offer what I thought I could still do. When I did not get 'picked', my pride made me feel rejected and dejected. It is kind of ironic since right from the start, my original intention was to not do anything so that I can fully experience the trip without thinking of these additional tasks. So what exactly do I want?

It is a reminder for humility. Everything comes from God and even for offerings, He has the right to accept or reject since He knows the true motive in my heart. I came across a Youtube video about God tests before He will use someone. The purpose of the tests is to purify the intention to see if the person indeed wants to serve or if the person has ulterior motives. The tests are:

-Service (whether you are willing to serve and contribute with what you can offer)

-Hiddenness (when you feel invisible and unappreciated with what you are doing)

-Discouragement (when things do not turn out as well as what you expect)

-Faithfulness (whether you still press on even if you feel discouraged and hurt with what you are doing)

-Blessings (whether you forget God when things seem to be going great)

-Jealousy (when you feel that others are more blessed and have it easier than yourself)

-Faith (whether you can trust everything into God's hands, rather than your own)

Haiz.. instead of feeling jealous and angry, I should just focus on the bulletin which I am supposed to do :(