Toxic relationship with God

I can finally empathise with the elder brother of the prodigal son in the parable. I feel that I have been doing everything to follow the will of the Father but He never seems to give me what I want. I do not wish for a party or a fattened calf. I just wish to go home but He does not allow it. He only wants me to live and labour. I am just being provided with daily needs enough to go on but no place to rest, no happiness, no friends, no meaning.

My planned roommate for pilgrimage finally receives the job offer and is allowed to take leave for the pilgrimage. I am happy for him but I am jealous at the same time because God grants his wish while my prayers are unanswered. I am also still worrying over my visa, which is pointless to worry for now since the application period is not even here yet. I informed my friend to arrange for house viewing in August and then I realise the one I am eyeing for has increased the listing price by 10%. Haiz.. Looks like I have to start looking at 1-room around my area. Alternatively, my only choice for 2-room which I can afford is Gem Residences at Toa Payoh. Again, my anger to God is misplaced since it is not November yet, the deadline I set to stop 'waiting' and just select a unit to buy.

Honestly, I do not even feel like praying to stop myself from being a hypocrite. "May it be done according to Your will" is just a lip service since praying means asking and I will be disappointed/angry/frustrated when it is His Will, but not My will.

Today I did not go to gym. I was lazy to fulfil my promise to attend daily Mass when I skip gym since last week I already skipped once because of tiredness and currently I feel that my relationship with God is toxic. God only wants me to accept His will while I am angry if He does not grant what I ask. The worst part is the distant feeling despite my attempt to connect. I feel like chasing someone who is not interested in me. If God is a human, I will already walk away from this toxic relationship.

Somehow God gave me the perseverance and resilience to resist temptation. He definitely wanted me me to listen the homily when the priest said: the people who like to complain are usually hard to die. Oh shit oh shit! No wonder I am still alive.