Ironies

My life experiences have taught me to be self-sufficient and not to depend on others for validations or acceptance. It has served me well when others want to put me down. Ironically, this attitude is a double-edged sword for the things I dislike about myself since no matter what positive things others say, I will still be negative and critical about them.

I have been fretting over my facial complexion I think is getting worse since I stop going to the dermatologist and applying her various creams. In addition, I cannot defy aging and my wrinkles are getting more obvious. Sigh.. Surprisingly, I am still getting "Are you studying or working?" and "You look like in your late 20s." from people who just know me from the very first time. I should learn to be grateful that God has indeed me a youthful look despite my own feeling that the youthfulness has somewhat faded.

On Tuesday, my friend was in a car when he saw me walking towards OCBC. He took my photo from the side and shucks .. my butt and thighs are so fat! No wonder I cannot go down below 60kg. They are muscles according to one of my gym coaches when I told her about it. Haiz.. that's why I do not like to push myself at the gym because all I need right now is just to reach 53-55kg and lose belly fat. Again this is just me being extremely negative because the first photo my friend sent me was slightly angled. He had another one which is exactly from the side and that does not look too bad. Anyway, I will only trust the weighing machine for all this diet-related woes.

My faith continues to waver despite all the effort with prayers, attending mass, reading the Bible, etc. I felt so upset and angry at the Gospel reading on last Sunday. I have given my everything to follow God's plan and persevere in this life that I hate and never ask but I never feel that I have found the life that Jesus promised. The whole reading and homily felt like rubbish to me and I found myself cursing at life during the Liturgy of the Eucharist.

I also realise that my involvement in church activity has been perverted by pride. I feel jealous with those who can contribute because it makes me realise that my talents are not for those church activities such as praying, singing, etc. I feel annoyed with people who step up or appear overly enthusiastic as if they are very important for these church activities. Despite feeling all these, I know this is the work of the devil because looking back, my reason for joining a church ministry is for personal faith. My goal is never about contributing/serving/making use of my talents so why am I getting upset over these now. I can only pray that God will shelter me from such sentiments and help me to overcome them when they pester me. The irony is I choose not to step up because I want to minimise interaction and potential negativity from working with church people.

My partner for the quarterly bulletin has decided to step down in order to spend more time taking care of her father. I have a mixed feeling about this. On the bright side, there is no need to have a discussion anymore since I am alone now. Previously, I felt rather irritated when she asked for meetings to discuss the themes because anything was okay with me and I was not really bothered about themes. I also found it annoying when she tried to interfere with the writers selection, which is not our task. Our task is to contact parish coordinators for the writers and it is up to them to decide. However, she has been the one doing all the PR-related task to liaise with people while I am mostly doing the typing, editing and designing. Now I am not looking forward to dealing with the people. Anyway when I was first approached about this role, I thought I would be alone. So to have someone else helping for the past two years has been a tremendous blessing.

Unlike last week when I was upset hearing about life in Jesus, I was surprised that I found today's Gospel about finding rest in Jesus to be comforting. I realise that all the heavy loads that overburden me are all my own pride, wants, sins and expectations. If I can truly surrender everything to God, I will not even have to be worried about things which are yet to come and are beyond my control such as if I would be able to successfully ballot for CER, my visa application, my plan to buy a house, my health and my purpose in life. I wonder if praying for these is a sign of my worry because I am still holding the hope that God will grant the things I want. Or should I stop praying about these altogether if I truly want to surrender everything to Him?