FUG

The title is not meant to be a pun. It is an abbreviation of what I am feeling right now: F U God. My ballot for CER failed yesterday. I am disappointed, angry and upset about that. It makes me a hypocrite when I pray "May Your will be done". The whole 'it is not God's time yet for you to attend' and 'others may need the retreat more than you' are bullshit to me since I totally had no idea about CER at all until when a priest told me. If it was not God's plan for me than I don't know what. So what was the point of giving me the message to attend this retreat if it was not His plan for  me to attend now?

Attending the ballot was such a waste of time. I cannot understand why the organiser cannot just do it automatically and inform whether the applicants are successful. Why did they have to waste the time of more than 420 people to attend the ballot physically? This is not Sheng Shiong lucky draw or something. I was not as pissed as wasting time since usually I would be doing my volunteering shift on Saturday morning anyway. What makes me really angry is all the stress and prayers for the past few months for this retreat only not to be able to go.  Seriously what the FUG.

Ironically or surprisingly, I still went to Novena yesterday and Mass this morning despite my sentiment. The Gospel today is about the wheat vs darnel. Perhaps God wants to remind me to be patient with this plan. Wheat and darnel look very similar in early stage and hence they can only be differentiated after they mature. I may be feeling very angry about my ballot failure but perhaps He has something else planned for me. Maybe I have to be somewhere else during the reatreat dates? Or maybe I will get spiritual enlightenment before the retreat dates that I do not need the retreat anymore? Or maybe He will call me to heaven by then? For now my self-consolation is that my thought that I am done with living and hope to die and be in heaven ASAP is not wrong that I need the retreat to change my mind. In other words, I have God's approval.

My diet this week was derailed by social gatherings. First was with my Landings group from the COVID run. It was my first time trying Hokkaido-Ya as well as Kith Cafe. I tried the white curry udon since I never come across it previously. I don't think there is anything unique, special or memorable about it though. Hahaha... Kith Cafe is surprisingly not as bad as I thought lol. It does not really make want to visit again though since I am past all these cafe stuff with my loose stools after cold milky drinks nowadays.

Yesterday was dinner at my aunt's place to commemorate the second dad anniversary of my uncle. Someone brought Thai fried banana and fried yam which were the most memorable food from the night. They are unique since the batter is different from the usual Chinese or Malay fried banana/yam. Unfortunately the batter for the fried yam was so tough that it was painful to bite and chew. The batter was so thick that it felt more like eating dough than eating yam. The banana was the less ripe type so they had texture instead of the usual soggy type.

The important lesson learnt from these two sessions is that my stomach has shrunk to the point that even having normal dinner makes my stomach uncomfortably full even when I go to bed. Haiz.. And yet why am I still not losing weight :(

Yesterday I carried my cousin's 7-month-old boy and that was my first time ever carrying an infant. It was our first time seeing each other so I found it really cute that he did not cry and he comfortably snuggled. I think I was even more anxious than him. But nope, that experience did not trigger any sense of fatherhood in me hahaha... I still prefer to die young or even now if possible. I am not interested in bringing an innocent life into the world which I myself want to avoid.

I was tempted to check out Uniqlo again to buy what I decided not to buy last Sunday. In the end, I managed to resist by thinking that National Day is coming so there may be sale. Haiz.. but I really currently I have enough clothes that I do not need to buy any. However, I decided to get clothes hanger from Daiso but from Thomson Plaza which meant that I did not go to Orchard today. Hehe...