Still hurting

When I feel emo because of my failure to book a slot for Easter Mass, I am at least have to be grateful that I managed to get a slot for Penitential Service this morning. As usual, the distraction and temptation not to go were huge. My game and my stomach were acting up but thank goodness everything turned out okay. I reached about 5 minutes before starting time and yet I was still within the first 20 people who arrived.

I feel that I had a good confession in the sense that what I wanted to say seemed to flow naturally. In the past, I often got stressed because I kept overthinking of what I wanted to say and so on. Unfortunately, as much as I want to let go and set myself free from all these sins, I cannot seem to let go. I unblocked my mum on Whatsapp and an hour later, the barrage of message started again. I decided to just block her again. It is better for me to do this "smaller" sin than to fall into bigger and repeated sin everytime I feel angry after reading the messages, and then ignoring after considering to reply rudely.

Honestly, I am not angry or holding grudges about my parents for not giving anything and giving me my current homeless life. What makes me very angry is when they expect me to do my duties as a child/son. If they are not doing anything as parents then they have no right to demand anything from me as a child/son. I don't need prayers as those do not give me a roof over my head. Please just stop disturbing me. Everything I am and I have and the fact that I am still living are all God's blessings so only God has the right to demand anything from me. Don't make it as if what God has given me is what you have given me.

I asked my friend to block me on Whatsapp so I know how my mum always knows when I unblock. When someone blocks you on Whatsapp, the profile picture will turn into the 'default blank' and all the messages sent out only have single tick. Once unblocked, the profile picture will reappear and messages sent have double tick (although messages sent during the blocked period will remain unsent). Since it is clear that she knows when I am blocking her, I don't give a damn anymore and just block without feeling guilty.

Since I already sinned again, I lost control over my desire in abstaining from potato chips AGAIN. Sigh.. I am just really hopeless. Yesterday I watched a Youtube video about food hack using Oreo. Crush few Oreos with some milk and microwave for 2 minutes to turn it into an Oreo cake. I was eager to try it. Initially I had trouble finding Oreo at FairPrice. After finding the biscuit section, it comes packs of 9 and I do not intend to buy so many. In the end, I decided to try using Oreo Mini. Sadly after settling the Oreo, the whole plan got busted because of the milk. Lol. Those 6-in-a-pack milks ($4+) are more expensive than the 1L ones (2 x 1L for $3+). I also do not want to buy so much milk so I put back the Oreo Mini. If only I own a home and a fridge, I don't mind keeping 2L of milk. Too bad currently the fridge at my place is usually full because of the fucking maid.

Haiz.. at the end of the day, I wonder what was the point of going for confession this morning. Not even half a day has passed and I am already falling into the same sins all over again.