2021 turns out to be worse than 2020

Today is a rare occasion when I can post my year end reflection within the same year, instead of a few days later into the new year. While Cinderella has to rush before the midnight before fairy godmother's magic disappears, I have to rush before the midnight before my vaccinated status get downgraded. I do not know my downgrade will happen tomorrow or after another one month of grace period. I am preparing for the worst and thank God that I received my new passport yesterday. Thus this morning I went to print my new re-entry permit and vaccination certificate which I will need for my flight home.

On a similar note, I went for the Thanksgiving Mass earlier just in case I really get downgraded and I would not be able to book for Sunday Mass as frequently as before. I have never attended any end of the year Mass so I was quite surprised that it is actually the sunset Mass for the Solemnity of Mary, Mother of God. Honestly, I was quite lazy to go and I prayed that it would continue raining since it had been raining since this morning. The rain stopped so I had no excuse not to go. It then rained again. I was contemplating of final cup of bubble tea of the year before the Mass. While the rain irritated me, I suppose God wanted me to have the bubble tea. Haha.. If it did not rain, I would just walk back home as usual. But since it was raining, I walked through the MRT underpass and I might as well drop by to Thomson Plaza. Well that final cup of bubble tea was not satisfying but at least I am fully confident with my promise to start with a fresh diet from tomorrow. Alright, I have babbled too much about today.

2021 was certainly not better than 2020. Perhaps 2021 was even worse since it did not meet the expectations that COVID situation would improve as compared to 2020. I am driven crazy with all the vaccination discrimination especially during the second half of the years. I feel better recently after deciding to give up and to run away to Jakarta first for many months. Thank God that my boss has not decided to sack me (yet) and my landlady allows me to pay rent for an empty room while I am away.

I feel less passively suicidal this year. The thoughts will still come and go but they are not as frequent as previously which is surprising considering my stress in 2021. I think it is because spiritually I do not feel as detached from God as previously. I am happy that I did not miss any of the daily rosary and any of the obligated Mass for this year. I also had memorable and meaningful confessions this year. I really thank God for this grace since I had a lot of shit with human relationship this year.

Looking back this year, I learn that being too patient and too kind towards others are being abusive and stupid for myself. I am surprised that I had been tolerating the fucking maid since the start of the year and I only told her off in November. After that, she stopped cooking and my life has been more peaceful with cleaner kitchen. Similarly with my landlady, I had been very patient to the point that she treated me like her maid. Previously I did not mind helping her once a week or so but recently she keeps falling down almost daily. She has a fucking maid and yet she lets her to always go up while she frequently disturbed to help her get up, buy her food, move her wheelchair and all that shit. Not to mention that she does even ask the maid to clean the house and kitchen frequently. I had enough and this week I told her not to expect me to help her if she falls down again. I am not going to sacrifice my back to help her get up if she falls down everyday. 

Similarly at work, I thank God that the fucking bitch left earlier this year. Things improved after she left and work has not been as shitty as previously. After the upset over the bonus and increment this year, I let go of any expectations about work which is very liberating. As long as I can earn some money and people do not irritate me, I am happy.

I worry of going overboard with this self-preservation and if I will end up being an asshole to others. For example, after my volunteering during the Catholic200SG Festival, I decided to complain about the abusive chef. I do not know if there is any follow-up action taken but at least there is a chance that something is done as compared to no chance if I did not even speak up. Not gonna lie that it gave me a peace of mind since I perceived it as I had taken my revenge. Similarly with my Landings involvement, there are people whom I find very selfish and irritating. I just have to be patient during those few occasions of limited interactions. I hope that for next year, God will grant me the wisdom to balance these needs.

Health-wise... Haiz.. I do not even feel like talking about health. I think my diet and exercise this year are completely fucked up. There were few months that I could be disciplined but I lost control in the last few months of the year. Nonetheless, things are somewhat better after realising cheaper self-pick up options via Grab since now I no longer overeat on weekends and I am forced to walk to collect the food from the restaurant. Potato chips are less of a concern with my favourite Kettle potato chips price increase and now they will not be $4 per pack anymore even during offers. Since the price exceeds my limit, it is easy to skip.

I also had a health scare earlier this year which resulted me having to undergo gastroscopy and colonoscopy. Thank God that nothing was wrong. The whole bowel prep experience was terrible and just thinking having to repeat this in 10 years time is eeew... Anyway 10 years is the recommended screening frequency since there was no finding with my scopes. If subsequently there is anything, then the frequency may increase. I also stopped going for my acne consultation this year. Haha.. I pretend that I am not in town due to COVID.  I am glad that my face is still relatively okay -provided that I can control my diet- and it does not regress to the state when I started seeing the dermatologist few years ago.

I lost my dad in 2020. In 2021, I lost an uncle and an aunt. I am still not used to the fact that I am at the age when losing someone will be more and more common. When thinking about this kind of thing then I always pray that I can die earlier so that I do not have to deal with losing loved ones and I do not have to deal with more illness. See.. the passive suicidal tendency will never go away from me.

I saw a meme that the year 2022 sounds like 2020 + too, rather than 2020 + two. Looking at how COVID is being managed, I think that meme is going to be a reality. The vaccines have been proven to be quite useless since things are worse this year than last year before all the vaccines. Yet ironically, everyone is just incessantly nagging about this useless measure. I personally hope that the WFH will continue like 2020 too but COVID please go away. Haha.. Anyway for now, I am solid about flying home sometime in January to escape the vaccine discrimination measures. I do not know what the future will be with this decision but thinking about it is not as stressful as these past few months following all the non-sensical discriminatory measures. May 2022 be better and may God exercise His judgement on those who have been abusing their authorities to force people to be guinea pigs to the experimental vaccines with questionable efficacy.

Journey to the moon

If only I were into crypto the first time I heard about it (ehem.. that was in my university days), I would be a millionaire now. It is very late now but it is better late than never. I only started to check about crypto when my friend introduced to a pay-to-earn game. With all the complexity (have to register for this and that to be able to convert to this and that and with certain platforms are banned in Singapore), I already lost early 'investor' lead for the game. With everything set up, I end up trading crypto as it is right now.

I only properly bought in early December after the drop from all time high (ATH) in November in hope that things would go up again. Unfortunately, market continues to drop huhuhu. I know I have to be patient since based on past history, those x00%-xx00% profit also took several months or even years. I registered with Binance.sg and to make things worse, they announced their plan of pulling out of Singapore barely a week after I bought. 13 January 2022 will be the last day to trade. That is the reason why I am actively monitoring the prices. Otherwise, I would not even pay attention or be bothered with the recent price fluctuations since my plan is more for long term investment. Oh well...

I have gained $100ish so far with my attempt to transfer my tradings to Crypto.com. I still have $3000 worth of BTC and ETH at Binance and I am praying for their prices to miraculously improve. Selling them back to cash (fiat money) and then buying again should be better than spending the transfer fee for BTC (approximately $20+) and ETH (approximately $50+).

Whatever it will be, I consider it as a learning journey. I am too lazy to research and so late into crypto because I thought it was something like shares. With BTC price of few thousand dollars, I thought that it is the mininum amount to purchase 1 coin like a minimum to purchase 1 share. I am completely wrong since cryptocurrency allows fraction of the coins so any amount can be invested. Currently I am learning to restrain myself not to add more money to this crypto investment since it is tempting to buy more with the current price drops. Haiz.. I hope I am not too late for the rocket to the moon and I do not end up going underground :(

On a separate note, I usually reject marketing calls from banks. However, I agreed to one since I am only clearing my leave for this week. Lucky for me that the fund offered to me is already something I am investing with my personal financial advisor. In addition, my current investment product is flexible and I can add or withdraw amount anytime so I do not have to lock in certain amount for certain period. I spent more than an hour talking but I think it was a useful time investment. Now I know that my financial advisor is not selling me rubbish. More importantly, I can confidently reject any future marketing calls since there are no better products from the banks. Why would I want anything with lock in period when I have something flexible. Hehe...

Another COVID Christmas

It feels awkward with Christmas falls on a Saturday this year. I keep thinking that today is already Sunday and I have to remind myself that I still need to go for Sunday mass tomorrow. Certainly I did not expect last year that it would be another COVID Christmas this year. I suppose at least it is better this year since I managed to book a Christmas mass.

I still do not have any Christmas spirit. This year I keep telling myself that Christmas is Jesus' birthday so I just want to spend time with him and I do not want to be bothered by humans. I feel so irritated and sian about replying Christmas messages. Thank goodness there were fewer people messaging me this year and I only selectively replied in some of the whatsapp group. Do I really spend time with Jesus though? Nope..

Even when people did not welcome him and He had to be born in a barn, at least Jesus was still surrounded by the love of St Joseph and Mother Mary and still had the angels, animals and shepherd accompanying him. I feel alone with no love and I do not even have cute animals to accompany me. Haiz.. yeah I don't know why but this is my weird Christmas thought for this year.

I am also physically tired since I was out for the whole day yesterday. I went to the embassy in the morning to renew my passport. I spent 1.5 hours there although I was glad that the embassy is in the midst of major renovation. Although it is not completed yet, it is much more modern and the aircon is cooling so the 1.5 hours were not so terrible. I think my photo will be quite ugly again because I have a pimple on my left cheek thanks to the mask. Bleah..

In the evening, I went to my cousin's place to have a Christmas dinner with my aunt. As what I wrote two paragraphs above, I was actually very lazy to socialise this Christmas and I pretended not to see her message earlier this week. However, she kept calling me on subsequent days so I had no choice but to entertain. That is why I am still feeling tired today since I only reached home around 1130pm last night and I went for 7am mass this morning.

Just to end this Christmas post with something Christmas-y, I am happy that recently I managed to win some battles in Final Fantasy 7 First Soldier game. Hehe... I stopped playing for 2 weeks because of busyness but with the ongoing Christmas event, I got hooked again. Although I do not have the Santa skin, at least the Red XIII skin can pass as a Christmas look. I won my first match a few days ago and that was after 161 games played. Yeah I am that lousy hehe.. After winning my second match, I decided to remove the mask skin so that I can see the handsome face if I win a gain. That happened today and this screenshot should be a merry enough for Christmas. Lol.

Lucky I have the Santa hat hahaha...

Christmas in the air

I could smell Christmas in the air when I went and returned from the gym yesterday. Or perhaps it was simply because I do not need to work anymore for the rest of this year. I am starting to clear my annual leave from today. I was supposed to have a dental appointment this morning but it was rescheduled to Monday instead.

I feel more relaxed now after completing Landings bulletin and all the year end reviews at work. I can finally play my games and start to pack some of my toys to their boxes. I will be renewing my passport tomorrow and having decided to fly home, even if the hotel quarantine duration is extended, really puts me at peace from all the vaccination nonsense here. Thank God that my boss still allows me to keep my job and my landlord still allows me to pay rent for my room when I am away.

My team had a virtual Christmas party last week and it was one of the rare occasion when I won the lucky draw of $30. I was the second last name to be drawn and sadly this lucky draw had equal prizes. When lucky draws have increasing prizes and the bigger ones are called towards the end, I would not even win any. Haiz.. have to remind myself to be grateful. I also won $30 from the game. My internet was lagging or else I could won $50 if I volunteered earlier to be the drawer for one of the games. Again I was still lucky to come out 5th because I scored zero in the first game haha...

I finished my own year end review and it felt relaxing not to have any expectations. I learnt my lessons from last year. There was no point of putting higher self-rating and then get higher rating during the appraisal itself when the actual performance bonus and increment were as shit as usual. So for this year I just anyhow put all the average and let whatever my boss wanted to say. It is nice to find that I have been helpful to her bla bla bla but to me everything is just a lip-service if it is not translated to higher performance bonus and increment.

A part of me is still upset about the lack of recognition for my output. Things were falling apart during mid-year because I was held up with things. I could not help to boost the so called "team goals" while others could only complain so much about work although not really doing  the work. At the end, all the goals were met and I carried a lot of the "team goals" but the credits went to the team. When things fail, I get the blame. When things succeed, others get the credit. Luckily that is just a part of me. Generally I am not too upset about this because I learn from St Therese of Lisieux of serving God in little ways. Work comes from God and by thinking that what I do is for God and not for humans, human recognition is no longer the purpose. One thing that made me very happy was to tell my boss that things improved after the bitch left the team earlier this year. I do not usually bad mouth colleague but the bitch is an ex-colleague so I can hehe.. I am glad that my boss agreed with what I said because she could see how little that bitch contributed.

Begone all toxicities! I shall think about how I am going to spend the next 10 days just stuck in my shithole, especially with my gym is also taking a 1 week break next week. Grrr...

Catholic200SG

Perhaps the most worthwhile thing from being vaccinated is being able to volunteer for the recently concluded Catholic200SG Festival. I almost did not get to volunteer because they preferred volunteers who could commit for at least 3 sessions and the third session offered to me was at regular working hours. After initially replying to KIV me first, I contacted the volunteer manager again few hours later after I decided to use my annual leave.

Around three weeks ago, I realised that I still had 1.5 days of remaining annual leave even after taking leave from 23 Dec until the New Year. That is a good 10 days of just doing nothing at home and I was not really keen on extending another 1.5 days. Thus on the pre-festival week, I decided to be thick skin to inform the volunteer managers that I had some leave to burn if they needed help for any preparation. That led to helping out with some arts and craft as well as one additional volunteering slot last week. Yay! At least I managed to use my remaining annual leave more meaningfully.

I actually received 2 shirts and 2 masks since my first two duties were on consecutive days

Pre-festival: helping out for Family Church Build

I could only help out on the Tuesday and Wednesday afternoon before the festival. Honestly I did not help much. When I came on Tuesday, the church models were already built. I only helped out with detailing some of the windows (of Sts Peter and Paul) and pillars (Cathedral) and that was very little. I mostly spent time settling the base and anything hidden underneath to support the main exhibit. Nevertheless, I found it quite therapeutic to do some arts and crafts since it has been ages since the last time I had to cut paper, cut styrofoam, use glue and scissors etc.

The progress of things when I left on Wednesday

The volunteer manager was also nice with some refreshment. I finally got to try Mr Coconut which I was previously curious about the hype. After trying, I will not buy for myself. The fresh one only had 2 pieces of the coconut meat and if that is about $4-5ish, it is totally not worth it. The following day she bought Auntie Anne's pretzels and Koi.

Day 1

My first session was on the morning of the first day. I was assigned at the cafe's takeaway counter. I only helped with the preparation work (e.g. arranging where to put the utensils, sauces, boxes and heat bags) because when the takeaway counter started to operate at 11am, I moved to set up a drink booth at the Cathedral. It was relatively quiet as there were not many events in that morning.  There were more volunteers than visitors and I counted less than 15 visitors walking towards the annex building from the time the counter was ready until the end of my shift at 130pm.

One interesting thing was to see the Archbishop's entourage in the morning. As it was the opening day, he passed by the cafe's takeaway counter on his way from the Cathedral to the Catholic Centre. Later on I saw the entourage again when they returned to the Cathedral.

Day 2

I was given logistics duty at night shift from 5 to 930pm. It was really a waste of time as it was literally just sitting down doing nothing for 3 hours. We only worked at the last half an hour after the closing time to do disinfection. There were only two things going on during this time (the festival shop and the art exhibition) and that was why there was nothing much for us to do.

I felt so miserable on this day as I had to listen to a haolian girl, a typical irrating church auntie, a chinese speaking bimbo. Bleah.. basically I enjoyed my time with the other volunteers at my slot on the previous day.

Day 5

I decided to come earlier to utilise my voucher to get lunch from the cafe's takeaway counter. Although the voucher expiry is until Dec 2022, I doubt I will go to this place in the future just to use the voucher. I chose fish and chips. The fish was still good but the chips were soggy and tasteless while the coleslaw was mostly sour and missing the sweetness. I frankly think it was bad for a $15 meal. I also managed to pop by to the Family Church Build to see the final product.

Err.. not exactly what I expected based on how the artist described his visual. Glad that they made the base on the east side nicer since I highlighted to take care of that spot before I left on Wednesday.

This day was an additional slot for me because at the start, I was only assigned to 3 sessions. I was happy to finally experience working at F&B as I was helping to do dishwashing for the cafe. Now I feel quite turned off to do dine in seeing how the dishes are handled. Haha but I do not really know the 'industrial' dishwasher works so maybe it indeed cleans better than manual washing or the domestic dishwasher. After all, it works very fast (~2 minutes per cycle) and it uses ~90 degrees water to clean.

On the second half of the shift, I went to bring more prawn crackers for the booth at Cathedral. It was nice to see that now the booth there was mainly selling cookies and prawn crackers which definitely were more sell-able than 100+ and Coke. I decided to stay there because the volunteer stationed there was much more friendly and pleasant to talk to. In addition, I know how boring to be there alone.

I was emo because Jesus plushie at the Cathedral shop were sold out. I checked online the day before and it was available so I was thinking of buying it :( I am lazy if I order online and then have to make a special trip after the festival just to collect. Perhaps I am just not fated to buy. I already missed out the Jesus plushie from the festival shop which I knew was already sold out when I checked the shop on Sunday.

I went to the book shop but nothing caught my interest to buy. The Bethlehem Village was really interesting and nice. It was really a huge animatronics exhibit stretching up to almost the whole length of the book shop. The lighting effect would be even more impactful if it was located further away from the bright book shop. Sadly I did not take any photo on it because the area was quite squuezy with other people taking photos too. Not to mention that my mood was already downhill since I could not get Jesus plushie or found any interesting book to buy.  

Day 7

Going for confession is the main purpose for me to volunteer for Catholic200SG festival. I did not even notice that the parish-based booking for Advent penitential rite was already opened and fully booked when announced at last week Mass. Thus I made the correct decision to participate in this event. I took leave for the whole of the day so I was considering between going for confession before vs after my duty today. Thank God I decided to go before my duty since it was raining after my duty. I also cancelled my plan to check out the Luminary Lit and the bookshop at Sts Peter and Paul.

I was rather disappointed with Journey of Grace. It was being listed as a separate 'event' from the confession but it turned out to be more of a the queue management strategy before and after the confession. Instead of just sitting down doing nothing while waiting for confession, we waited at the Main Church in front of the exposed Blessed Sacrament. After the confession, we went to the chapel for Adoration to do our penance and reflection. Anyway, this arrangement was definitely better than just waiting around doing nothing or finding our own quiet spot for penance. It is just that I was expecting that there was something more special from the Journey of Grace. I am usually stressed about what to say before the confession and the Act of Contrition so I really appreciated the handout on how to prepare for the confession and the Act of Contrition printed on the table in the confession room.

The handout to prepare for the confession

I just did confession last month so this was the shortest period in between my confession. I was so tempted to skip but in the end I decided to be obedient to the minimum Lenten and Advent confessions yearly. This time my penance was to read from Psalms 32, 51 and 86. As part of the whole Journey of Grace, I went to the Adoration Room as the last stop but I was super distracted as the room becoming more crowded. Thus I decided to just quickly go to allow others to have the space.

I was on logistics duty again and luckily this time, my partners were nicer and we actually had things to do. We helped to transfer queue poles to the Cathedral. It was a right decision for me to go back up to take umbrellas because it started raining heavily by the time I took them. The rest was already stuck somewhere along the way to shelter themselves from the rain. Anyway the rain was too heavy and even with the umbrella, my pants and shoes were soak. Since the shoes were already wet, there was no worry about walking through the water ponding at the intersections to cross over to Cathedral. The best part was the rain sort of stopped on our way back after delivering the queue poles. After that, I went to wash dishes again for about an hour and that wrapped up my volunteering experience. One of the volunteer managers gave me some Christmas cookies at the end. Thank you. Hehe..

Day 8/Last Day

Today marks the end of the Festival. Initially I did not plan to go and I just wanted to rest and do nothing at home today. Somehow when considering between self-collection vs delivery for lunch, I decided to just drop by to the Festival to check the Luminary Lit and the bookshop at Sts Peter and Paul Church and to take photos of the Bethlehem Village.

Thank God for the prompting as I enjoyed my visit today. I think Luminary Lit is one of the bigger exhibits in this whole festival. I did not intend to take photo with myself but the volunteer on duty offered me. Since at that time I was alone in the hall, I could even take off my mask for the photo. Haha.. but because I had no intention to take photo today, I was underdressed with sandals.

At the entrance which is shaped like the Bible

I also took some photos of Bethlehem Village. Unfortunately there were several other visitors in the area so I could not remove my mask for a photo.

This is only 2/3 of the exhibit as there was not enough space to distance myself from the exhibit to take the whole length

I browsed through the books at the bookshop there again but decided not to buy anything since I overheard that the payment was only through Paynow. The most interesting finding was The Glories of Mary, which I am currently reading at home, at $6.50. That is exactly the same price as the copy which I bought more than a decade ago.

I really find the pricing of religious books to be rather random. Some smaller and thinner books can be more expensive (e.g. $20+)  than other bigger and thicker book (e.g. less than $10). I had similar observations at the bookshop at Sts Peter and Paul too. I suppose God listened to my cries for Jesus plushie because the bookshop also has its own version of Jesus plushie ($19.90). There is also Holy Family plushie (Joseph, Mary and baby Jesus) at $49.90 which I find expensive. Joseph and Mary are of the same size as the Jesus' plushie which means the baby Jesus is ~$10. Anyway I decided to buy all as early Christmas presents for myself. I also bought two books but I will only write more about them after reading.

I attended the concurrent Mass which conclude all the Catholic200SG celebrations. All the parishes were ringing their church bells at the same time at 6pm. Unfortunately from inside the church, I could not hear my own church bell because at the same time they were showing the video broadcast from the Cathedral. I was surprised that the homily was a recording from the Archbishop because that really meant everyone listened to same homily. Of course it would be even more true to the spirit of concurrence if they broadcasted the homily live from the Cathedral but I suppose it is not easy to handle the timing.

Afterthoughts

I am really glad and thankful for God's prompting to visit the Festival today since it helped to lift up my mood. I am expecting a spirit-filled experience which unfortunately was destroyed by two people. Ironically, these were from the organisation-side whom we were supposed to help.

I deliberately did not mention the name but it is obvious there is only one cafe. One is the white-haired chef and one is bleached-hair guy. Let's start with the bleached-hair guy first. I don't know what their usual workflow is but it would be extremely helpful if he would just scrape of the food waste to the dustbin (which was just below where the dishes to be washed were placed) before he separated the plates from the cutleries. Fine if he did not do so but at least put things down nicely instead of throwing the crockery and slamming the plates etc.

The white-haired chef is the worst with his toxic behaviour and verbal abuse. He was rude and would just find fault with everything if it was not done according to his way. When I did not rush, he said I was slow but when I did more quickly, he said why kancheong. When one of the service staff told him to speak nicely, not to scold and raise his voice since I was only a volunteer to help and not their staff, he retorted that he was not scolding and it was his normal way of speaking. That proved two things: it is not only myself who finds his way of speaking unacceptable and it is a red flag if this is his daily behaviour. After all, it was not unique to me since other volunteers who ever did dishwashing also shared similar stories. It is really appalling if this is how normally treats the staff since the cafe employs the disadvantaged who may not dare to stand up and protect themselves from such toxic behaviour and verbal abuse. If I want to nasty, I can actually whistleblow to some organisations or to authorities to investigate. Anyway he totally ruined my mood and I am not going to let it slide without doing nothing. At the very least, I decided to raise this as a feedback to the volunteer managers.

Other than that, I generally had God-filled moments with the other volunteers and visitors. Having said that, a part of me feels reluctant to involved in Church-related things anymore because some of the 'old guards' are not reflecting or even destroying the image of God. I need to remind myself not to be too affected because I come/serve/contribute for God, and not for humans. In additions, we are all sinners so perhaps I have hurt others too. That's why I prefer a more backend involvement so that I do not accidentally ruining the image of God considering my own sinful nature.

My biggest regret is that I never enjoyed the evening atmosphere to see how everything looked like with the lighted decorations. My evening duty last Sunday ended after 9pm which was sort of the official end time. The nasty chef ruined my mood on Wednesday while the rain spoilt my plan on Friday. Oh well =x there were mostly light decorations.

Omicron

Last week I was so happy to get an appointment slot for my passport renewal on 24 December but by the end of the week, omicron has arrived and ruined my plan to evacuate to Jakarta next month. The quarantine period has been extended to 7 days from countries without omicron yet. If by next month there are omicron cases here, the quarantine period will be 14 days if I go home. Haiz.. that is going to cost me half of my monthly pay.

There is no point thinking about next month since rules and regulations change so quickly. Yet I cannot help but to feel stressed and worried about this. Not to mention that I have to weigh between paying empty room (if my landlord even allows this) or I should just pack all my stuff and rent a storage space instead. My latest thought today is maybe I can just survive as an unvaccinated person since I can go to mamashop downstairs to get bread for dinner. So it is okay if I cannot go to supermarket to buy bananas. I pray so that God takes away my worries and it is not answered. I pray for the end of all these vaccination discrimination and it is also not answered. I do not know what I need to do anymore.

I am physically tired which in turn makes me rather moody as well. I went to donate blood on Saturday and I can confirm that my blood pressure has increased. In the past, I was borderline hypotensive and at times were at risk not able to donate but my blood pressure has been between 110-120 in the past few donations. Now I have to worry about tachycardia as well since I had to take repeat measurement because of my heart rate above 100.

Perhaps the only thing that I am look forward to is the Catholic200SG festival which will finally begin this Saturday. I am grateful that I am able to utilise my annual leave more meaningfully. I will be taking leave from 23 December to New Year and that still leaves me with another 1.5 days to use. Just thinking about 10 days of doing nothing already pains me and I was not keen to extend that by another 1.5 days. Thus I am very happy to be able to use these 1.5 days for another extra volunteering slot next Wednesday (I think someone backs out at last minute) and to help with some pre-festival preparation in the past two days. I will write my experience in these last two days later on when I blog after the festival ends.

Games and Gym

I am surprised and happy that I managed to gym for the past 3 days. As the body is getting older, recently it is getting more difficult to even go on consecutive days, especially when pull ups are involved. There were pull ups on Friday so to be able to exercise again on Saturday morning after less than 24 hours means there is improvement with my body. Thank goodness there we no pull ups yesterday and today. I also tried sit throughs (which is the progression of mountain climbers) this week. I used to avoid this movement but it is actually not that bad for the shoulders compared to mountain climbers. There was no pull ups today so I tried the hanging leg raise. It is supposed to be a core exercise but my shoulders and arms were more tired from the hanging. At least I know that when the sessions have many shoulder movement, I will skip the hanging leg raise. Now I hope I can get back to my previous fitness level for the push ups and the deadlift.

With me starting to go gym again, it is getting more difficult to find time to play my online games. Currently these are the games I am still playing.

1. Disney Heroes: Battle Mode

I have been playing for around 3.5 years. With more than 100 characters, this is a good example of terrible power-creeping in a game. Still, the Disney magic keeps many of us playing for so long. I used to purchase their daily diamond deals but I stopped for more than a year ago as the power-creeping worsened. When my previous guild disbanded and I moved a relatively relaxed guild (although still a top 5 guild in my server), I only did the bare minimum. As a result, I had a lot of underdeveloped heroes and I hoarded a lot of resources.

I started to be more enthu with the game around 2 months ago when a friend from my old guild asked me to join his guild again. Now I am in the top guild of the server although I am the bottom 10 in the guild. Lol. I realised how much I hoarded and after using those resources, at least I can get quite competitive again. Plus I prefer to focus on characters from Disney Classics or cute ones and recently Pocahontas, Esmeralda, Zeus, Bolt and Ariel were released so I raised them up.

For these Halloween, the game added the 3 Sanderson sisters from Hocus Pocus. I have never heard of this franchise before and initially I thought the cartoons in the game are so ugly. After checking some Hocus Pocus videos on Youtube, I end up liking them as the actresses portraying them were great. I will definitely try to find the full movie when I have the time.

Surprisingly, on Friday I received and decided to buy an amazing offer: $15 for 42000 stamina pots. That is a total of almost 2.8 millions stamina. Normally I can only get around 12000 stamina in a day so the offer is almost 8 months worth of stamina. Too bad I had spend them all within 24 hours or I will miss the additional 10% bonus stamina. That resulted in my biggest achievement in the game so far: currently I have the highest point in my guild for the weekly contest. Lol.. I know it sounds so childish but it is a HUGE achievement for me considering how I have been losing interest in this game for more than a year.

Too bad this greedy game developer does not incentivise players to spend more. I got such a good deal because I have stopped spending for so long. Immediately after spending, the next offer I received yesterday was $7 for 4000 pots. That is bullshit compared to the deal I bought.

2. Saint Seiya: Awakening

This game is a complete opposite of Disney Heroes. Although there is power-creeping, overall the heroes are still very well balanced since everyone has a counter. Ultimately, it is down to luck in choosing the 6 heroes for the battle since player will lose no matter how strong the heroes are if the opponent chooses 6 heroes which counter theirs.

Honestly, I find the PVP frustrating because there is no guarantee of easy win. Lol. Though I know the reason that I suck is because I only build the characters I like even if they suck and I cannot bring them for PVP. Hahaha... I also prefer offensive heroes and do not invest on defensive heroes instead of bringing a balanced team.

It is kind of sad because it is amazing that the characters and power levels are quite balanced for the game to last this long but only to slowly dying because of the poor game developers/management. Not to mention Saint Seiya is overall one of anime masterpieces! Anyway I also have long stopped spending any money in this game.

3. Genshin Impact

This game starts to lose its shine for me. Despite a lot of complaints of no content, I think the content is sufficient for busy people. Nowadays I find it difficult to even squeeze time for daily commissions and daily resins. With the ever-growing roster of characters, Mihoyo needs to buck up with the stories. People gacha because they like certain characters so without involving the characters in the game story, it will just end up becoming a collect-them-all game. Considering the expensive cost to collect the characters, people will slowly leave if this continues. But as of now, I am still hooked and will still spend money for the daily primogems and battle pass. Nope, it is not a waste of money because at least it motivates me to save from my diet and junk food. Hehe...

4. Tears of Themis

This is a card collector mixed with otome game from Mihoyo. Despite the handsome guys, I am not interested in collecting them all so my wallet is safe. Currently this is the game that I feel so relaxed to play since I am not that eager to collect all the cards, complete all the events, or hoard the Visions. Now I have around 80 visions and I do not feel the urge to gacha, partly because for this kind of game usually I am only interested with the seasonal themed cards such as for Halloween, Christmas, New Year and Summer. The last time I gachaed was during the Summer Festival and none of the Halloween cards caught my interest. I hope there will be some good Christmas cards or else I will continue saving until perhaps Chinese New Year haha.. Mostly I afk and just auto-debate but when I am more free to play the story mode or follow the story during events, the story/cases/mysteries are actually well written.

Oooh la la.. how am I supposed to find more time for Final Fantasy VII First Soldier which is coming out this upcoming Wednesday? T_T My eyes...

Bag hunt

As things are gradually back to normal, I am going out more often and my bag is getting too annoying. The 'cracked' leather part is okay, just visually ugly. However, the broken magnetic 'lock' is driving me crazy with the slapping noise when I walk. I was so lazy to go to gym today but I decided to go so that I could go to check out Orchard Road after that.

It is nice to see Christmas decorations although it is clear that the decorations are more muted compared to pre-COVID days. Not sure if it is because not everything has been put up but some outside Wisma Atria was still empty and I did not notice if Tangs had any decorations. Lol.. I remember usually Tangs would be eye catching because they would decorate the whole building since Tangs has little pavement space outside their building.

I checked out Metro at Paragon and Takashimaya and I saw similar observation from the choices at BHG Junction 8. It seems that sling bags may not be the in-thing now. I think my options are only Timbuk2 and Crumpler and their prices are $150-$200 range for the size I need. I am actually surprised when I checked my previous post of my current bag which only cost $86 and it had lasted me more than 6 years. It is really a good buy. I don't think the $200ish bag will last me 12 years. I was planning to check out Bugis Junction and Vivo City subsequently but after I reached home, I decided to check online shops and I ended up buying from Shopee. Lol.. Despite all the shopee-pee-pee-pee jingle since donkey times, I finally made an account. I bought 2 bags and after the small discount from the seller for buying 2, first time credit and 11/11 12% discount, the total spent is $16.66. If each can last me for one year, they are already considered good. Though I hope they will be good surprise like my current bag which I was not sure of the quality since I had not heard FX Creations at that time.

I bought Donki for lunch but too bad there was no chasiu don. What I thought to be omu rice turned out to be an omelet yakisoba. I had to be so hungry that I did not notice. As usual, I always overeat when it comes to Donki. As a reminder, next time I should skip the fried squid. It is not as nice as the fried squid from one of the regular stalls at Takashimaya Japanese Fairs. The new thing from Donki that I just knew is 10 cents for their plastic bags per transaction. Phew.. lucky I am not as crazy about Donki as previously when I used to purchase every week.

I just watched the Catholic200SG prayer marathon which is ongoing from 12 Nov until 20 Nov. Outside the scheduled prayers, it is Eucharistic Adoration. I find it quite nice to help me with my night prayers. Unfortunately, I think the volume is too soft and I have to max out my laptop volume to be able to listen to the background music. It would also be nicer if they use a dark background. It will be more soothing to the eyes and will help to focus on the Eucharist. Currently it is too distracting with so much white. The white background and candles occupy even larger portion of the screen than the Host that we are supposed to focus on.

1-hr confession

Christmas Penitential Rite is just around the corner and I even think of going for confession during the Catholic 200SG Festival. I had no idea why I even bothered thinking about going for confession offered for Landings retreat. If it is God's plan, there is no way to run away. After asking for schedule few days ago, I kept quiet so that I could just let it slide. However, my group facil updated me about the slots yesterday so I could not avoid from replying whether 'Yes' or 'No'. The initial slot I chose had to be cancelled because the priest had to lead a funeral mass. I was so reluctant to switch to the remaining evening slots since I need to wake up at 530am tomorrow to attend 7am Mass. Anyway it was lame to have a Mass as an excuse to skip confession so I agreed to switch to 8pm.

In my heart, I was still thinking about various scenarios and praying that somehow I would not go. What subsequently happened was the total opposite. The priest had to continue with a cremation so he was only available from 830pm. But this time, I was informed not only by my group facil but also by the person liaising with the priest schedule. Ooh la la.. it was even more paiseh to reject two people. Since I saw all the evening slots were empty, I thought I could be the only one. So I used my thoughtfulness by saying if I were the only one for the evening, just cancel mine if the priest had more urgent engagement since I still could go confession nearer to Christmas. That completely failed. Again both of them replied me at the same time 830pm was confirmed.

I had never been to St Francis Xavier Church and it took me 1.25 hours to reach although it does not look very far to where I live in the map. I sort of lost my way in the Serangoon Garden Circus roundabout. According to the website, I only need to walk up the hill from the bus stop. Well I did not see any hill and I could not find the road name sign too. I was expecting the hill to be quite obvious so that at least I could see the cross of the Church. I decided to use the map on the phone and I think it was a miracle that out of all the possible directions I could take at the roundabout, I already chose the correct direction before activating my map. It was around 2-3 bus stops walk but I managed to reach at 833pm. Heng..

By far, today was my most memorable confession. Without realising, I spent almost an hour with the priest. I guess since I was the only one, there was no reason to rush. I think it was 'worth' it for me. Otherwise I spent more than an hour to travel just for a 5-10mins confession. Haha.. I guess it was worth it for the priest too. Otherwise, he opened the hall, switched on the lights and aircon just for 5-10mins is also quite bo liao.

The hardest penance is not saying some prayers or reading some bible verses but confronting the sin directly. My penance was to call my mum which I told the priest not going to happen. He offered an alternative to take a photo with him and the tabernacle and to send it to my mum. Haiz.. I contemplated so hard and I even googled what would happen if I do not do penance after a confession. I found that asking to change penance is okay so that makes me do not feel guilty for refusing the phone call option. I do not want to be transactional about sins/Sacraments/grace/forgiveness and things of that sort. 

Ultimately I asked myself: what is the point for me to for confession if I still do not want to let go of the sins? After all, that is the biggest hypocrisy that always makes me try to avoid confessions: I know I am not ready to let go certain sins (e.g. those involving conflicts or grudges against others) as opposed to I want to although I know I will fail again (e.g. lazy to pray, skip Mass). I am such a shit so I decided that okay I will do it, at least if I get angry and block my mum again, it is the latter scenario. Honestly I find this harder than just the former. By doing that penance, I am basically exposing myself to the opportunity to be hurt again. It is going to be back to square one again: blocking once for all is better for me than to be irritated and to ignore daily. Seriously, God. Why are you making things so difficult for me? Yes just from this penance, I am already back to my biggest sin of not appreciating this gift of life and hope that I will die instead.

God was kind to me as the priest offered to drive me home instead when he heard that it took me more than an hour to travel. He said he might as well drive me and that would only take 15 minutes. I waited for him get changed at the grotto. It was my first time lighting up a candle to put at the grotto. I also took a photo of the Mother Mary statue.

This turns to out to be another reminder of God's presence today. This afternoon I was trying to find The Purpose Driven Life book which I owned. It is one of the first few books I bought since I came to Singapore. I could not remember where I put it and I could not find it. Not sure if I already donated it away or perhaps I kept it in Jakarta. Anyway, I decided to take out The Glories of Mary book to read it again. This is also one book that I bought in my early Singapore days so it has been more than a decade since I read it. When I reached my room, I was shocked to realise how the image on the book cover looks so similar to the Mother Mary statue earlier.

Out of so many styles of Mother Mary statues, seriously what is the odd of seeing two different but yet very similar styles: white veil (no yellow/blue shading, no pattern/coloured lining), visible hair including the central parting, no crown/stars/halo around the head. This also serves as another encouragement for me to just 'suck it up' and do the penance.

Haiz I am scared and not looking forward to tomorrow but I hope my mum will ignore me. Then at least I will not need to fear of being hurt and then repeat the silent treatment or the blocking again. Meanwhile, although these are not penances, I will try what the priest suggested for me to do daily: read the daily Bible reading and to spend 15 minutes in silence with God as a start for me to be able to listen to God's voice better.

Weak!

It is barely the first week November and I am already failing to control my diet. Right on Monday, I received an email from Deliveroo which is celebrating its 6th birthday with some $6 offers and flat $1 delivery fee until tomorrow. I was tempted with Koi's offer for 2 bubble teas for $6 but that meant 4 cups to hit the minimum $12 spending. I planned to buy that yesterday so that I could keep some for today which is a public holiday. I am lucky that the offer was no more yesterday so I was spared from bubble tea.

The sugar and salt withdrawal is making me very moody. So far I have managed to restraint from getting the bottled drinks in the supermarket but I succumbed to less than $2 potato chips. The last few I bought were beer-flavoured Lays. I promised no more after the two packs I bought today. Since today is a public holiday, I decided to relax and ordered food delivery for dinner. Haiz.. At least I made use of the $1 delivery fee and hopefully this will remove all thoughts for food delivery for the rest of the month.

I ordered from Nummun Thai Kitchen because I was tempted with pork sausage. It is quite pricy ($9 for 10 pcs) but it is not something available from the other Thai food places I usually order so I did not mind. Afraid that I would not be full, I added tom yum fried rice ($9) which I regretted. I don't eat prawn and the only topping with the fried rice is 2 medium-sized prawn that required peeling. So for me it was $9 just to eat the rice. I think of it as paying for curiosity and I will not be tempted to order from here again. Anyway I have a nearer Thai restaurant which is cheaper and can be even cheaper when I use Grab self-pick up codes.

Food-aside, I am also feeling so busted with my Genshin Impact. I saved for 1.5 months and went broke on Tuesday for a Qiqi and Staff of Homa. It took me 120 pulls to get one Elegy for the End and Staff of Homa which I should be grateful of since it could have been worse. Surprisingly, I only got one Sacrificial Sword. I am not too upset with C1 Qiqi since I am more of a husbando than a waifu collector. Thus I am not really into Hu Tao and I do not mind a guaranteed pity for Itto on next patch. Of course I would be happier if I got Diluc. It has been more than a year and I still do not have him. I am quite lucky to get C3 and now I have to suppress my aim to get C4 as that may break my pity. Somehow I am always one short of the good constellation as I am also at C3 Yanfei and I restrained myself in the last banner. I am still having fun with the game. It is just a heartache seeing all my savings went to zero.

I doubt I will ever 'save' until this much again as the next few patches will have characters I am interested in

Don't count your chickens before they hatch but I am getting more and more sure that I have to escape from the vaccination discrimination here. Since today is a public holiday, I took the opportunity to keep some of my displayed toys to their boxes to avoid them being too dusty if I have to be away for many months. I only did for the few that I remember where the boxes are. I still have 6.5 days of leave that I need to consume before the year end so I will pack the rest during Christmas-New Year period. By then, it should already be somewhat confirmed if I need to escape or not. Honestly, I am hoping that karma will befall on the people behind all these discrimination.

Halloween

I am not into Halloween since my life is already a Halloween everyday. My heart is so empty, I hate my life so yeah basically I am a living dead everyday. Anyway the reason for my post today is because of my gym which went all out with their decorations this year. They even got the coaches to dress up and lead the sessions with their costumes. I am glad that I went yesterday when I was able to see more coaches dressing up. One dressed up as Levi Ackerman, one dressed up in maid costume, one dressed up as the Squid Game creepy girl doll statue just to name a few.

I am grateful that a couple pulled out last minute from their Mass registration and I was able to go for Mass yesterday. Thank God I somehow was bothered to check for my luck on Friday night and that was when I saw available slots. I felt kinda guilty for taking up a space for the Mass reserved for the unvaccinated but since until before the Mass there was still one last available slot. That meant I did not deny anyone of that slot.

Tomorrow is November and it is time for me to get disciplined with my diet again. I gained almost 5kg in October simply from getting laxed with my meals since I needed to hit my credit card spending. Of course I still blame the fucking vaccine as the initial cause of lethargy and hunger at the start of the month. Add on the excuse of annual 28 October emo. From November, I am back to monthly payment for my gym so there should not be a problem for hitting credit card requirement just from my normal spendings. Haiz.. It is going to be tough to avoid all the bubble teas, sweet drinks and junk food again. What is the point of living!

Nearly 2 decades

It is that time of the year again when no matter how lazy I am, I will drag myself to post something to drown in my own sorrows. It has been 19 years and now my prayer is: how long must I endure this kind of life any longer? Haiz.. Nonetheless, I feel slightly different this year as I am looking at the possibility of hiding back in Jakarta until all the COVID discrimination ends here. I will refuse getting a third Sinopharm dose even if it means I will be demoted back to my unvaccinated status. It is ridiculous forcing people to take the third dose three months after the second dose when currently the only information I know about third dose is at six months after the second dose. Even so, that is for the 60 years and above. Let's see if in the next two months there will be change in rules or there will be data to convince me about the safety of the third dose.

That enraged me over the weekend but I felt better after telling my boss on Monday on my intention.  At least she can plan if she will let me WFH if only those with vaccinated status can be in office from next January or if she will let me work from Jakarta. In worst case scenario, I can also resign since health and life are more precious than job. Currently the only thing stopping me from flying back is I have not renewed my passport and it has less than 6 months expiry. I was planning to renew it in January next year or so but now I am thinking of trying to do it in November of December. With 5k+ cases yesterday, perhaps soon other countries will ban me from flying so I better do it faster.

I have returned to gym and am slowly regaining the stamina back. I managed to go for two consecutive days (Tuesday and Wednesday) but I still have a long way to go with the muscle strength. After pull up yesterday, my back and shoulder are sore and I expect that I can only exercise again on Saturday. Even for push up yesterday, I felt unusual at my elbows, forearms and wrists which means my body is trying to get used on using the correct muscles.

Ironically as I am exercising again, my weight is going up again. I am 63kg now while I was still 61kg before returning to gym 2 weeks ago. Bleah.. I don't know if my weighing machine is spoilt or I have been loosening my diet lately so that I can hit $500 credit card spending this week. I am quite upset because I already cut down on junk food. My favourite Kettle potato chips has increased in price to $5.60 now. Previously they were $4.95 and I only bought during offer when the price per bag would be below $4. With the current price, I do not think it will go under $4 even with sale. That means I have one fewer poison to worry about. Now I have to be careful not to be tempted with those under $2 potato chips.

Despite the weight worries, today is an exception. To commemorate the sad day of the first time I started a new life in this foreign land, I splurged a bit on food today:

Although these seems excessive for dinner, the consolation is that usually I eat these as tea break on the days when I cannot stave of the temptation. I want to say that I will go back to normal from tomorrow but I think realistically, I will be excusing myself until Sunday. At least that is until the 'end of the month'.

Man cave cleaning

Nothing is eternal except for the love of God. It took me 8 days to finish dusting of my man cave. It is long overdue since the last time I did that was around CNY. As previously, it feels like a chore before doing it but it feels therapeutic when doing it. It allowed me to 'play' with my toys more closely. That also means I get to see any imperfections clearly. Whether the material is PVC, ABS, or resin, nothing can withstand the test of time no matter how good I take care of them. This time I did not feel too upset and I have sort of accepted the impermanence of everything. Inevitably, it gets me thinking of the fate of my toys at home in Jakarta. Although my cabinet is covered, it has been more than 2 years since the last time I cleaned them. At the end of the day, I just have to view that whatever amount of money spent on them, they have at least already given happiness in the past 5-10 years.

Yesterday I finally watched Novena Church's production titled Timeless Mother. Initially I felt sian when seeing it running for almost an hour. I became even more sian because it is in Mandarin so I had to read the subtitle. Thus it was God's blessings that I was able to watch everything. I am reminded that miracles do exist. I have sort of given up God when it comes to health matters since my prayers are never answered. Just within the recent 1.5 years, I already lost my dad, an uncle and an auntie. Being trained in medical field also makes me more pragmatic when it comes to health matters although on the other side, it is easier for me to know when only God's miracle will help. Ah and thank God that after watching this, I got the inspiration and am now done with the questions for the next Landings bulletin. At least I can put this matter out of my mind until December.

I am finally feeling back to normal after my second vaccination dose. I gained 3kg in just one week and now I have to train my body to get used to previous diet. Haiz it is a constant battle again against the temptation of sugar-loaded bubble tea, junk food and overeating in general. I hope today is a good start since I managed not to buy any junk food. Yesterday I still bought Salted Egg Lays from mamashop downstairs. This is made in Thailand and I never saw this flavour in supermarkets before. I was expecting it to be more expensive than Lays' supermarket price ($4.75) so I was pleasantly surprised that it was only $4.50. I hardly tasted salted egg so it was a waste of calories. Though on the brighter side, at least I won't be curious and won't buy it anymore.

This is why I am quite pissed with the recent discriminatory measures against the unvaccinated not allowed to go shopping malls anymore. People can survive without dining in but unable to buy groceries in shopping malls is just too much. I am not pro or anti vaccine but I am pro-science. What is the point of yakking about vaccination when the vaccine itself has proven to be of questionable effectiveness? It is just a matter of time before no booster = unvaccinated so even though I escape the discrimination for now, it will affect me too in the near future. On the bright side, at least now I can travel to more countries if I want. Too bad my passport is within 6 months of expiry which is as good as already expired.

Da...zzz...ed

It is day 3 after my second Sinopharm dose and I am still feeling sleepy. I have been mostly sleeping over the weekend and the drowsiness does not go away. So it is clearly due to the vaccine. I won't be complaining because this side effect is definitely much better than having fever or any other flu like symptoms. Hehe... The injection was by the same nurse as my first dose but this time I experienced no arm pain.

As a reward for myself for keeping my food expenses comfortably below $200 last month, I treated myself at Don Don Donki after my vaccination on Friday. I managed to avoid overeating and only bought sushi and takoyaki. If I followed my gluttony, I would have bought the fried squid and some fried fish cake too and then I would just be emoing the whole night from stomachache. Oh I also bought Koi and I was surprised that a large cup + topping cost me above $6 now. My bubble tea limit is $5 so I guess no more Koi for me from now on. Since letting myself go with this treat, I am constantly tempted with all dietary indiscretions again. Sigh.. It does not help that I have been stuck at 60kg and cannot seem to go lower.

Deliveroo sent me a $8 voucher since I have stopped using them. I utilised it for my lunch on Saturday. It was difficult to order food delivery again as anything more expensive than $8 (after the voucher) already looked unappetising to me. Yesterday I bought 3 packs of made in Vietnam Lays because Fairprice had it on sale. The price tag was $1.25 per bag but when I checked out, it was actually $0.95. Darn.. I should have bought more. And surprise surprise, I finished all 3 packs yesterday. Today I was constantly tempted with ordering bubble tea, getting ice cream or potato chips from mini mart, going to bakery for dinner and fiuh.. I managed to restrain myself.

I am currently feeling rather irritated with some Church people pertaining to the bulletin. Jeez... Perhaps I am just a bad team player but I really hate working with people who want their ways and then try manipulating others to agree and do their ways. Then you might as well do it yourself because I am not going to be manipulated. In addition this is supposedly a Church work but why do they seem to have their personal agenda and suggest things for their convenience instead of sticking to the purpose of the bulletin in the first place and trying to make things easier for others. I already feel like abandoning the ship but this is a reminder of the meaning of the Transfiguration which I heard from a homily previously. I cannot be just wanting to be close to God but abandon my life and responsibilities. I cannot serve God if I do not work with others so I just have to remind myself that I do this for God and not for myself. Conflict is inevitable since we are all humans after all.

At the end of the day, I think I am just being more sensitive recently because of the constant feeling of drowsiness. I should not feel as down as currently once this drowsiness side effect fades away.

Things will get better

Looking back at this post from last year, the pattern is clearer now. Storm will always come during the period when I have to prepare my faith story. In the past two weeks, I felt that all the low points in my life which made me upset at God in the past resurfaced again. I am fed up with my family quarreling over household things like food and cleaning house while I am homeless here. I am also sick with helping my landlady every time she falls down. For goodness sake, I am not her personal caregiver. She falls down more frequently and yet does not do anything differently to avoid falling. Some colleagues were irritating last week and I had to keep telling myself not to get too emotional as it was just a heat of the moment. I stopped my regular bottled coffee/tea/mocha for a few months and it makes my body very sensitive to caffeine. Last week I bought 2 bottles for fun and on the two different days when I drank them, I had difficulty sleeping. The improper sleep contributed to my constantly irritated self as well.

The peak was yesterday. I deliberately logged in earlier just in case my office laptop would update something and lag. Everything was fine until when praise and worship began and the laptop decided to update. I had to install and use Zoom using my phone again like last year. Luckily the laptop managed to settle down and I did the faith story using the laptop. Fiuh.. with this over now, these disruptions should stop. That is why only today that I feel calmer and more willing to blog something. I also just completed praying the Rosary and the Chaplet of Saint Michael. Today is the feast day of Sts Michael, Gabriel and Raphael the Archangels which is the reason for me to pray the Chaplet on top of the Rosary today. When I just bought the chaplet last year, I intended on praying both daily but obviously I am not driven enough to do that. So thank God for allowing me to have a good state of mind to pray both prayers tonight.

With the month coming to an end, my money woes ends too. I am unnecessarily stressed trying to hit $500 spending without going 'overbudget' for my meals as I am worried about my weight and without spending on unnecessary things too. I am glad for September, I am comfortably under $200 for meals. Sadly, it is difficult to go under 60kg. I was so happy last week to hit 60kg again but I am at 61kg again today. Bleah... I guess that is a motivation for me to decide on extending my gym membership so that is $3060 down the drain. No thanks to all this vaccination discrimination, it stops me from going to gym and makes me lazy to do home exercises to.

Genshin Impact celebrates its 1 year anniversary yesterday. I do not really care about all the hoohah about the non-existent anniversary reward or atmosphere in the game as I still enjoy playing. Yes I spend money for the game but it motivates me to cut my spending on food. So far this strategy works well since I save more from the food as compared to the actual amount I spend for the game. If only it is effective for my weight loss too hehe..

The game keeps some data and share some of these milestones to celebrate our journey with the game so far. Too bad they do not put how much money I have spent to be part of this. Haha... Anyway, my highlight is Zhongli. I started spending in the game in order to get him last year. I suppose it is not a wrong investment since indeed I play with him the most, even up to today.

I just realised that I never post any picture of him so here is the cool guy who has been carrying me in game and makes me enjoy the game so far. I hope you don't get powercrept or become obsolete anytime soon.

Emotional

I usually blog after donating blood as reminder in case I forget when I am due for the next donation. That means I was supposed to write on last Saturday but I have been lazy and spending too much time with Genshin Impact. I arrived slightly before 10am and I was already the 8th person in the queue. Wew... Lucky for me that there were some first timers among those who arrived before me so they took more time with their forms and I managed to 'cut' queue. I went to Donki to get lunch and decided to skip the usual sushi to try their chashu don. I would say it is cheaper and more worth than the usual tray of salmon sushi. Hehe..

Miraculously I managed to hit 60kg for the first time this week. Ironically, this week happened to be my junkiest week. I finished 6 bags of Kettle potato chips this week. Last week I saw ongoing buy 2 get 1 free promotion (i.e. $9.90 for 3 bags) and I bought one on both Saturday and Sunday. I promise that I will no longer buy potato chips for the rest of the month and I am able to keep up with my promise so far. At least today I was not tempted to buy despite seeing the promotion is still ongoing.

I also lost my cool with work today. When shit happens, my boss will often ask me to settle the shit as I try to be helpful. I know usually others will lose cool and complain to my boss and although sometimes the reason is unreasonable, my boss just wants to help the complainer and asks me to look into the stuff. Hence I come the rubbish bin. I am tired and sick of it and I am not going to be a good guy like last year to just settle all the shit.

Today I snapped because someone who is resigning also mentions that she is overworking herself. The main reason for her to leave is basically the pay and this 'overworking' is not really the matter. The worst part is that she is overworking herself and it is not a problem with the workload to begin with. That's why I refused when being asked about the task distribution. I am already very lenient with my deadlines to the point that I have to adjust my own work to accommodate others and I know that we are not overworking the team. That is why I refuse to even look at the weekly task distribution because the issue is not with the task but with the person. She is not asked to overwork and the deadline of the tasks is not urgent or demanding so it is her own decision and problem that she overworks. Do not make that into my problem!

Anyway this matter was already discussed since last week so I am already really pissed over it over the week. But it was going to pile on me if I did not defend myself today and that was why I lost my cool. Anyway I was not only defending myself but indirectly also my boss and the team lead. I want them to realise that this is not a problem caused by us/management. Our expectations are reasonable and does not require overtime or what. We also do not expect people to overwork. The problem is the person so we should address the person. Do not try to tweak the work as if the problem is with the work/management.

Perhaps the blessing in disguise from this is that I decided not to be a facilitator for the upcoming Landings run. I was asked last week and I had a hard time thinking about it. On one side, I felt that this was one way that God called me to contribute: there are few returnees in the younger age and I am one of the youngest so perhaps I can connect better if I am the facilitator. On the other side, I felt that I did not have anymore mental and emotional capacity to 'take care' of others anymore. I am already tired taking care of others at work. Thus as much as I wanted to help facilitating, I might end up doing disservice if I lose my cool subsequently. In the end, I decided to say no since I know my short-fused self very well. 

My vaccine woe is finally ending and I just had my first Sinopharm dose this afternoon. I think my left will be sore tomorrow but at least I am 50% immune from discrimination now hehe.. The clinic I went to is located at Tanjong Pagar Plaza. Despite the name, I was surprised that this is actually an old shopping centre like in the 90s. I was expecting it to be some atas shopping mall since it is located in quite atas area.

The main drive for me to write this tonight is the overwhelming emotion from losing an aunt who is staying in New Zealand. I was still whatsapp-ing with her until last Thursday. I stopped because I ran out of topic. She was diagnosed with stage 4 colon cancer few months ago and recently she had been in hospital due to side effects from her first cycle of chemotherapy. Through my communication with her, I thought it was just normal GI side effects from the chemo and it would get better in time. It was really a shock when this Tuesday she was already transferred to a hospice. She just passed away a few hours ago.

I cried quite badly on Tuesday when I received the news as when I saw the photo, I knew it was just a matter of time. She is technically an outside relative as she is married to my uncle who is my mum's brother. Yet she is the most caring aunt because she notes down everyone's birthday: all my uncles and aunts and their spouses, my cousins and even their kids. When she came to Jakarta, she always brought everyone an individual gift. That really shows her love and care for all of us. Before the era of whatsapp, she wished me birthday through email and I still have those emails. She would even be asking about my sister who was not really using email then. Last year during my dad's passing, she was always eager to ask me for the livestream link of the all the masses.

As always, there is nothing I can do except to pray. I hope she is no longer in pain and is now in a better place with God in Heaven. If my dad can hear me, I hope he will also pray for her now to return the favour of her praying for him last year. I am also thankful to God that I still managed to message her last week and the week before that. Earlier this year, I decided to cut off all contacts and I did not even reply her birthday wish. Out of the blue my uncle messaged me two weeks ago. I was initially tempted to ignore since I did not know if my mum asked me to check on me. However, I heard about my aunt's cancer previously and hence I decided to reply my uncle. Surprisingly, my aunt messaged me the following day after hearing about me from my uncle. Today I just heard from my aunt who lives in the Netherlands that few weeks ago she was asked my aunt who passed away if she was able to contact me. T_T

Sigh.. it has been really tough these past 2 years after losing my dad, an uncle just barely 2 months ago and now an aunt. God when is my turn? It is easier for me to go than to see others go before me.

Gundam (Wing) fever

Two weeks ago I missed the preorder for limited edition 1/144 RX-78-2 Gundam Japan Pavilion Expo 2020 Dubai. I checked 2 hours after the email came in and the item was already sold out. I checked Premium Bandai facebook page and missed another batch of preorder few days later. Thank goodness they opened another batch which is still available until today so I bought two sets.

In another email today, there are new batch of Gundam Wing goods. Previously I bought the Tricolor set. Unlike previously when I was so eager to buy the moment I saw the merchandises, this time I was hesitant because of the monochrome white theme which I find boring.

Honestly I am rather tempted with the towel but it is not really worth buying just one item because of Premium Bandai's shipping. Sadly the shipping for these items is in November. If only they are also in  January 2022,  I will definitely get the towel since I can combine the flat shipping fee with the Gundam Japan Pavilion Expo.

Because of searching more information about this set, I discovered that I missed out so many Gundam Wing stuff from Gundam Cafe. When I could travel frequently to Japan in the past, there was never Gundam Wing collaboration. In the midst of COVID-19, suddenly Gundam Wing collaboration keeps appearing. Huhuhu...

Gundam Wing Night Oct 2019

I was not aware of this when I went to Japan in December 2019. However, I managed to get the acrylic sets when my friend went for honeymoon in Japan in February 2020. I am not usually into acrylic stands but I am such a sucker for Gundam Wing. Out of all the merchandises, acrylic stands are the only ones most worth keeping as collectibles. Lol.

Gundam Wing Gundam Cafe Tokyo Dinner Show Jan 2020

Gundam Wing Christmas 2020

Heero and Relena for New Year 2021

I tried to search for the merchandises from these 3 events in Yahoo! Auction Japan and Mandarake. The Christmas 2020 merchandises are the only ones available. Sadly the prices were crazy. Somehow I ended up in Mercari which had one reasonably priced. I have never used Mercari before and decided to use Buyee as the forwarder. There is another item from a different seller which I decided to skip since the consolidation and service fee would make that item too pricey.

Sadly my happiness was short lived. After receiving the confirmation order email, I somehow checked the facebook link in the email. Just half an hour before I registered for Buyee, they posted a link on facebook for 2000 JPY coupon for new registration. Darn!! I am upset that I just lost 2000 JPY although prior to this it would never cross my mind to check facebook for coupon code. Sigh.. I registered with another email to get the other item that I skipped earlier since I can use the coupon. Still, it would be awesome if I could save another 2000 JPY for the earlier order.

I will still be waiting for confirmation if the purchases for these two items would go through. Meanwhile I have to get ready to hunt for the next set. Yes.. this is still hot from the oven for Halloween 2021. The pre-order in Premium Bandai Japan is still open but all except Wufei standee is already not available. Haiz.. even when I am not late and theoretically can still pre-order this through proxy, the items are already sold out.

Gundam Wing Halloween 2021

While browsing further, I saw this watercolor set. This was already released before the monochrome set but sadly Premium Bandai Singapore never brought this in. If they bring in this, I will definitely buy everything except the T-shirt. This set is even better than the Tricolour set. I really like the colors and the illustration style for this set. The style of the acrylic sets is also very unique.