Today is a rare occasion when I can post my year end reflection within the same year, instead of a few days later into the new year. While Cinderella has to rush before the midnight before fairy godmother's magic disappears, I have to rush before the midnight before my vaccinated status get downgraded. I do not know my downgrade will happen tomorrow or after another one month of grace period. I am preparing for the worst and thank God that I received my new passport yesterday. Thus this morning I went to print my new re-entry permit and vaccination certificate which I will need for my flight home.
On a similar note, I went for the Thanksgiving Mass earlier just in case I really get downgraded and I would not be able to book for Sunday Mass as frequently as before. I have never attended any end of the year Mass so I was quite surprised that it is actually the sunset Mass for the Solemnity of Mary, Mother of God. Honestly, I was quite lazy to go and I prayed that it would continue raining since it had been raining since this morning. The rain stopped so I had no excuse not to go. It then rained again. I was contemplating of final cup of bubble tea of the year before the Mass. While the rain irritated me, I suppose God wanted me to have the bubble tea. Haha.. If it did not rain, I would just walk back home as usual. But since it was raining, I walked through the MRT underpass and I might as well drop by to Thomson Plaza. Well that final cup of bubble tea was not satisfying but at least I am fully confident with my promise to start with a fresh diet from tomorrow. Alright, I have babbled too much about today.
2021 was certainly not better than 2020. Perhaps 2021 was even worse since it did not meet the expectations that COVID situation would improve as compared to 2020. I am driven crazy with all the vaccination discrimination especially during the second half of the years. I feel better recently after deciding to give up and to run away to Jakarta first for many months. Thank God that my boss has not decided to sack me (yet) and my landlady allows me to pay rent for an empty room while I am away.
I feel less passively suicidal this year. The thoughts will still come and go but they are not as frequent as previously which is surprising considering my stress in 2021. I think it is because spiritually I do not feel as detached from God as previously. I am happy that I did not miss any of the daily rosary and any of the obligated Mass for this year. I also had memorable and meaningful confessions this year. I really thank God for this grace since I had a lot of shit with human relationship this year.
Looking back this year, I learn that being too patient and too kind towards others are being abusive and stupid for myself. I am surprised that I had been tolerating the fucking maid since the start of the year and I only told her off in November. After that, she stopped cooking and my life has been more peaceful with cleaner kitchen. Similarly with my landlady, I had been very patient to the point that she treated me like her maid. Previously I did not mind helping her once a week or so but recently she keeps falling down almost daily. She has a fucking maid and yet she lets her to always go up while she frequently disturbed to help her get up, buy her food, move her wheelchair and all that shit. Not to mention that she does even ask the maid to clean the house and kitchen frequently. I had enough and this week I told her not to expect me to help her if she falls down again. I am not going to sacrifice my back to help her get up if she falls down everyday.
Similarly at work, I thank God that the fucking bitch left earlier this year. Things improved after she left and work has not been as shitty as previously. After the upset over the bonus and increment this year, I let go of any expectations about work which is very liberating. As long as I can earn some money and people do not irritate me, I am happy.
I worry of going overboard with this self-preservation and if I will end up being an asshole to others. For example, after my volunteering during the Catholic200SG Festival, I decided to complain about the abusive chef. I do not know if there is any follow-up action taken but at least there is a chance that something is done as compared to no chance if I did not even speak up. Not gonna lie that it gave me a peace of mind since I perceived it as I had taken my revenge. Similarly with my Landings involvement, there are people whom I find very selfish and irritating. I just have to be patient during those few occasions of limited interactions. I hope that for next year, God will grant me the wisdom to balance these needs.
Health-wise... Haiz.. I do not even feel like talking about health. I think my diet and exercise this year are completely fucked up. There were few months that I could be disciplined but I lost control in the last few months of the year. Nonetheless, things are somewhat better after realising cheaper self-pick up options via Grab since now I no longer overeat on weekends and I am forced to walk to collect the food from the restaurant. Potato chips are less of a concern with my favourite Kettle potato chips price increase and now they will not be $4 per pack anymore even during offers. Since the price exceeds my limit, it is easy to skip.
I also had a health scare earlier this year which resulted me having to undergo gastroscopy and colonoscopy. Thank God that nothing was wrong. The whole bowel prep experience was terrible and just thinking having to repeat this in 10 years time is eeew... Anyway 10 years is the recommended screening frequency since there was no finding with my scopes. If subsequently there is anything, then the frequency may increase. I also stopped going for my acne consultation this year. Haha.. I pretend that I am not in town due to COVID. I am glad that my face is still relatively okay -provided that I can control my diet- and it does not regress to the state when I started seeing the dermatologist few years ago.
I lost my dad in 2020. In 2021, I lost an uncle and an aunt. I am still not used to the fact that I am at the age when losing someone will be more and more common. When thinking about this kind of thing then I always pray that I can die earlier so that I do not have to deal with losing loved ones and I do not have to deal with more illness. See.. the passive suicidal tendency will never go away from me.
I saw a meme that the year 2022 sounds like 2020 + too, rather than 2020 + two. Looking at how COVID is being managed, I think that meme is going to be a reality. The vaccines have been proven to be quite useless since things are worse this year than last year before all the vaccines. Yet ironically, everyone is just incessantly nagging about this useless measure. I personally hope that the WFH will continue like 2020 too but COVID please go away. Haha.. Anyway for now, I am solid about flying home sometime in January to escape the vaccine discrimination measures. I do not know what the future will be with this decision but thinking about it is not as stressful as these past few months following all the non-sensical discriminatory measures. May 2022 be better and may God exercise His judgement on those who have been abusing their authorities to force people to be guinea pigs to the experimental vaccines with questionable efficacy.
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