Shattered dream

I met up with my friend, who is a property agent on Monday, and I thought I could already buy a house. Unfortunately the one I am aiming for is still tenanted until next year February. There is a similar unit which is vacant but the price is 20% more than market rate. Sigh.. Basically the ones I can afford are tenanted while those vacant are beyond my reach.

How long must I be patient with the fucked up maid? I have been the one cleaning the kitchen and all the dirt is her hair. Though I am glad that she can no longer cook now that the landlord has changed to a smaller steamer with no cooking function, it is still annoying to clean over her dirt. Honest I am getting very fed up and impatient to even think about just getting a one-room condo against the more reasonable approach to wait. Perhaps when it is God's time, there will be a vacant unit which are reasonably priced and within my budget.

My faith starts to waver. I am only considering places around my current place so that I will still be near to the Church of the Holy Spirit. Because I know when it gets inconvenient to just go to church, it is just a matter of time before I drift away again. Although I know they are still far away and no point stressing over them now, I am also getting worried about getting visa for my Holy Land trip as well as whether I will get the ballot for CER. Essentially, all the current worries and stress are all God-related and for the sake of my relationship with Him. Yet all I feel is that my prayers are unanswered and I am just getting frustrated. Haiz..

I think I should refrain myself from stepping on to the weighing machine as it is another stressor. It is demoralising not to see any progress despite my sacrifice of only eating like a monkey. I come across some youtube shorts and I learn that bread is also a refined carb which is bad to lose weight. Looks like I have to be more disciplined with my bananas for dinner and breakfast since I occasionally replace them with those packaged breads. It also does not help that I decided to check my BMI to realise that even 4kg loss so far, I am still overweight. I need to lose another 10kg to reach the idea BMI of 20 :( That is even more than my original goal of another 6kg.

At the end of the day, it is so tiring to think and pray about uncertain things in life. The only certain thing in life is death as everyone will eventually die, just a matter of when and how. And death is my only wish now. I have wasted my youth living as a homeless and only sickness and growing old await my future. Might as well skip them and straight away die.