God works in mysterious ways as He turns my suffering into a blessing for others. My lying and running away to avoid someone turns out to be a huge help to where I am currently seeking temporary shelter. I asked my friend in the Cathedral if I could help out with their Run on Fridays so that I was not completely out of touch with God outside Sunday Masses since I planned to skip attending sessions at my parish. That is how I have been helping with their logistics for the past two months and I just found out yesterday that my friend's wife who is in charge of logistics is expecting. Hence I have been a God-sent (not my word but the word she used when she told me about her pregnancy) or my friend would have had to solo all the logistics on his own when she was unwell and she would have to do a lot more physical lifting and moving during the retreat.
Some people wonder why I would travel all the way to Cathedral but I have a direct bus and I enjoy a long bus ride. Taking MRT is convenient too with Thomson Line is just within 5 minutes of walking distance. Again God works in mysterious ways. My friend's office is only a few bus stops away from my home so on Fridays when he is in the office, he can pick me up. There is also a couple who live opposite me and they will offer me ride home. In other words, although I never complain about the transport, God provides me.
With the retreat over just now, I am left with two weeks before I have to return. Bleah I am not looking forward to feel all the negativity again but I saw her briefly yesterday and yeah she is still irritating as ever. I think I have learnt from the past two months that I shall not be involved in anything when I return to my own parish. Too many cooks spoil the broth. There are more than enough people who are enthusiastic and want to serve/contribute that perhaps each person can only a get a 'little' slice of the pie that they end up trying to make themselves feel bigger or more important. Some make big hoohah over simple things and make things more complicated than necessary. Some nitpick the negatives and criticise others instead of focusing on the actual goals and tasks we have. I have enough politics at work and I do not go to church for another politics so nope. Hehe...
In contrast, currently there is lack of resources for the Cathedral Run that we can work peacefully since everyone knows everyone is trying our best to make things work with whatever resources we have. Just like for this retreat, there was no need to organise or fight over who did what since there were mostly me and my friend's wife so we just had to do everything from turning rooms over for one activity to the next, moving furnitures up and down, receiving food, cleaning the dining tables and even doing the traffic control for the confession. I did not mind these because busy with things meant not to worry about socialising. Thank God I decided to still go for my usual 7am Mass today so that I did not have to go for the retreat Mass and used the time to turn over the room. Still, I was very happy that everyone tried to chip in during the packing and moving of things at the end of yesterday and today.
I did not go for confession but I had a chit chat with one of the Fathers. I knew him when he was still a Brother and we were in the same WYD 2008 trip. It was my first time coming across someone who does not find my reason of wanting to die because I think I am done living as not unusual. He suggested me to go for CER (Conversion Experience Retreat). This is my biggest reward from helping out for the retreat because I think this may be God's way to provide me the direction and answer I need with my life, other than praying to die. I promised Father that I would check it out. Haiz.. it is a 5-day stay in retreat. I don't think I have any more spare leave for this year and I don't have anyone to share room with. I have been sharing rooms with strangers in previous retreats but this time I just feel lazy. Maybe I am not in the state in which the desire to look for God is strong enough to get rid all these inconsequential concerns.
Other than that, I bring back back pain (yes there are 2 'back's, not a typo) from yesterday. I am quite sure it was from ensuring the white board which had one of the wheels came off not to topple over and for me to slot in the wheel a few times. I am so tired and sleepy already that I don't think I will even need to take Anarex tonight.
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