Holy Water

I finally own my first ever Holy Water given out as Pentecost gift from the Church of the Holy Spirit. Normally I do not queue for freebies at church, except for Catholic News, so God bless the kind warden auntie who chased after me to pass one bottle. I was given the second one as I left the church after wishing Happy Feast Day to the parish priest since there was another warden auntie handing these out just next to the priest.

Now I do not know what to do with them hehe...

My spiritual state this week has been tormented with confusion. Thanks to the problem with my laptop earlier this week, I have decided to start reading a book (The Mystery of Predestination by John Salza) which I bought in 2021. Previously I tried to read but did not even reach page 10 because the content is too cheem. Now I am trying to just read a few pages daily for 'fun' so that I do not stress myself out trying to understand all the cheemo-logy.

As I am still very early and have only reached page 30, I still do not have a full grasp on what the author is trying to share in the book. Some of the concepts are hard to grasp and stress me out a little bit especially if I am jumping too conclusion too quickly. Some examples:

-Doesn't predestination (God's plan) seem to contradict with the free will that He gives to humans? Perhaps I am reading this predestination as everything that happens to my life. Or is the predestination in the context of the book more on the final destination of whether I will go to heaven or hell, while all the details in the actual life are the ones not really decided by God and more dependent on my own choices?

-God loves all man but He loves certain people more than others. To my timid, sinful and jealous mind, this sounds that God hates me but loves others. However, someone being loved more does not necessarily the others are unloved or hated. After all, we cannot deny that among all human beings, God loves Mother Mary the most. That is why she is full of God's grace. Even Jesus has a beloved disciples among all the disciples. However, God's mind is different from human mind. Being loved more by God does not mean the better things in life. We can see it from all the holy people from Mother Mary, the disciples and the saints, their lives are not full of roses if we view them from the world's perspectives.

What God gives more to those He loves more is the grace needed to overcome all the difficulties that come their way. That reminds me that God still loves me somehow. Since I find my life is so shitty, God's grace has been proven that I am still alive and still wanting to be with Him. While it can sound just like a coping mechanism, I know I could end up resorting to gambling/drinking/promiscuity or even medically depressed if I was not given the grace to somehow tahan all the shittiness in my life.

That ties in to the reminder at Pentecost that everyone is given different gift and graces to fulfil our own purpose according to God's will. It is easier to see what I do not have and get jealous when I see others who have it than to recognise what I have but others do not. I need to learn to see what gifts I have and how to utilise them instead of being jealous to others or comparing myself to others. The reflection I read from yesterday's Bible reading (about Peter, after being told his future martyrdom, asking Jesus about John the beloved disciple) is interesting. In that era, martyrdom was considered the highest form of sacrifice. So was Peter actually given the greater glory than John? Or John was indeed more beloved that he was spared from martyrdom? Having said that, was it really better for John to live/suffer until old and witness the martyrdom of the other disciples? There will be no end when we try to compare with human standards.

Haiz.. but yeah currently my mind is such a mess. Not to mention that my weight loss has finally plateau-ed. I am glad that I manage to avoid all the potato chips for the past 1 month and I have been going to gym more regularly now (4-5x a week). The next goal starting next month will be to avoid all the sugary bottled drinks. I have been trying to cut down by replace them with 0% sugar bottled tea drinks but I know my final goal is to limit those only on Saturdays and Sundays. Beyond this, there is nothing else I can do to help me lose weight :(