Existential crisis

I already failed my potato chips abstinence last week. It was a reminder not to tempt myself to even check the potato chips section. I thought I would be strong enough to resist but I could not. I ended up buying Kettles potato chips when I saw buy 2 get 3 offer. Thank God, my younger sister was in town last week and she did not mind bringing two packets home when I offered. Usually it would be my excuse to buy another 3 bags since the promotion is still ongoing until this coming Wednesday. However, the regret is still etched strongly in my memory that so far I am no longer tempted, even when the same promotion is also going on in Cold Storage.

With a new month starting, I think it is time for me to also attempt cutting down the bottled drinks. I know it is going to be hard to immediately stop but at least I will put some limit and aim to abide to those limits: only buying drinks to use up my accumulated coins (which should only happen once every two weeks or so) and perhaps once a week on Sunday if I feel like giving myself a treat.

I am hit by another bout of existential crisis again these past few days, thanks to the fucking maid and my landlord who allowed her boyfriend to stay for almost a month. I have been patiently accommodating the noise and the cooking, until last Tuesday when she was even more rude to me when I told her to lower her volume. Apparently she was so angry that she did not iron my clothes as usual. Since she was that upset, there was no point for me to be kind and I dropped an essay to my landlady listing all the shit I had been tahan-ing with. At least that stopped all the nonsense since Friday. I never expect to have someone ironing my clothes so to have that done when I rented this place has been a bonus. In addition, I have been ironing my own home clothes and graphic T-shirts so to add-on ironing my working clothes is not a big deal if can stop this fucking maid's cooking, bringing friends and making noise, and cleaning the house more often.

Haiz, how many more years I have to endure this homeless pathetic life? My health is also making me more emo. I just realise that my eye floaters are getting worse. I don't know if I am more tired from over-gaming last week to only start realising the worsening or it is really worsening. I had my teeth cleaning on Saturday and one tooth was showing sign of weakening. Recently I also keep having the feeling that something keeps getting stuck when I floss and this is confirmed that there was more plaque build up. Bleah... With no change to my diet and my brushing or flossing habit, it makes me wonder what is the point of living with this aging and failing body.

In the past, this would turn me away from God. This is not the case this time. I flee to God, hoping for His mercy to draw me closer to Him and to be with Him in heaven. In other words, I actually pray so that I can die as soon as possible because death is the ticket to enter heaven. After done with my dental appointment at 935am, I was contemplating if I should go for 10am since there was a chance that I would be late and I rather not going at all than being late. I rushed and I reached during the opening hymn. However, it did not upset me as much as expected since I have not been attending any physical Novena since I started volunteering on Saturdays since November. And yeah, I am so fucked up that I actually prayed for my own death in front of the Blessed Sacrament.

Yesterday happened to be the Good Shepherd Sunday which is also known as Vocations Sunday. It is a reminder of how lost I am in this life that I just want to die to escape. I have excluded married life since I become too bitter in life. There is no way I can love others when I am not even in a capacity to love myself. Religious life is also not for me since I never had any follow up after saying I did not mind to explore more after attending a vocation retreat in 2019. While this has always been my take on the situation, it seems that God sent me an affirmation from one article in the Catholic News which states if an attempt to discern a vocation is not successful, treat the door as closed and don't continue banging it. That leaves me with singlehood as the remaining choice but it is not making me happy either. I really cannot and do not understand what God wants from me or wants me to do. Is being a homeless who has been wandering to find reason for happiness or meaning in this life for more than 2/3 of my life on earth not enough?

I have been asking for the grace to know my vocation in my prayers for the past few years to no avail and I think God foresees that I am on the brink of giving up to even pray for that. Somehow this Catholic News also has a Prayer to St Joseph to know one's vocation and this is my first time knowing that St Joseph can be invoked for vocation too! This encourages me not to give up on praying to know my vocation since now I can also 'try' this prayer. Hahaha... It is indeed very interesting that I managed to get a copy of Catholic News yesterday. I have not had any in the past few months since somehow my parish only had very few copies. There were quite a lot yesterday and I hope they stock up the same amount as few months ago so that I can always get a copy in the future.

Today is Labour Day which the Church also celebrates as the Feast of Saint Joseph the Worker. The Cathedral organised a Mass and brunch for those involved in the ministries at the Cathedral. I am only temporary helping Landings there but the coordinator asked me to come along. I did not mind since it is a long weekend. It was really an eye opener to see that the number of people who serve in the Cathedral can fill the whole congregation for one Mass. The brunch looked good and they even had baristas for the coffee. Too bad I skipped since I did not bother to queue. There were only 2 buffet lines for that many people so yeah...

More important than the food was the homily. It is a good reminder how the good intention to serve God can be hijacked by sins and we may end up using ministries as an avenue to show off ourselves, expecting rewards/returns, or being too engrossed with all the busyness and activities that we end up forgetting about relationship with God. I am conscious not to fall into the first one but I am guilty of the latter two, especially when I volunteer for activities outside Church. I unconsciously expect intangible rewards/returns such as to 'feel good' that I actually do something useful with my time or I am being helpful to others. These expectations often make me angry when I feel people are wasting my time or I am not helping anyone during the volunteering. Slowly it makes me feel like quitting these activities. So thank God for the reminder today.