Holy Water

I finally own my first ever Holy Water given out as Pentecost gift from the Church of the Holy Spirit. Normally I do not queue for freebies at church, except for Catholic News, so God bless the kind warden auntie who chased after me to pass one bottle. I was given the second one as I left the church after wishing Happy Feast Day to the parish priest since there was another warden auntie handing these out just next to the priest.

Now I do not know what to do with them hehe...

My spiritual state this week has been tormented with confusion. Thanks to the problem with my laptop earlier this week, I have decided to start reading a book (The Mystery of Predestination by John Salza) which I bought in 2021. Previously I tried to read but did not even reach page 10 because the content is too cheem. Now I am trying to just read a few pages daily for 'fun' so that I do not stress myself out trying to understand all the cheemo-logy.

As I am still very early and have only reached page 30, I still do not have a full grasp on what the author is trying to share in the book. Some of the concepts are hard to grasp and stress me out a little bit especially if I am jumping too conclusion too quickly. Some examples:

-Doesn't predestination (God's plan) seem to contradict with the free will that He gives to humans? Perhaps I am reading this predestination as everything that happens to my life. Or is the predestination in the context of the book more on the final destination of whether I will go to heaven or hell, while all the details in the actual life are the ones not really decided by God and more dependent on my own choices?

-God loves all man but He loves certain people more than others. To my timid, sinful and jealous mind, this sounds that God hates me but loves others. However, someone being loved more does not necessarily the others are unloved or hated. After all, we cannot deny that among all human beings, God loves Mother Mary the most. That is why she is full of God's grace. Even Jesus has a beloved disciples among all the disciples. However, God's mind is different from human mind. Being loved more by God does not mean the better things in life. We can see it from all the holy people from Mother Mary, the disciples and the saints, their lives are not full of roses if we view them from the world's perspectives.

What God gives more to those He loves more is the grace needed to overcome all the difficulties that come their way. That reminds me that God still loves me somehow. Since I find my life is so shitty, God's grace has been proven that I am still alive and still wanting to be with Him. While it can sound just like a coping mechanism, I know I could end up resorting to gambling/drinking/promiscuity or even medically depressed if I was not given the grace to somehow tahan all the shittiness in my life.

That ties in to the reminder at Pentecost that everyone is given different gift and graces to fulfil our own purpose according to God's will. It is easier to see what I do not have and get jealous when I see others who have it than to recognise what I have but others do not. I need to learn to see what gifts I have and how to utilise them instead of being jealous to others or comparing myself to others. The reflection I read from yesterday's Bible reading (about Peter, after being told his future martyrdom, asking Jesus about John the beloved disciple) is interesting. In that era, martyrdom was considered the highest form of sacrifice. So was Peter actually given the greater glory than John? Or John was indeed more beloved that he was spared from martyrdom? Having said that, was it really better for John to live/suffer until old and witness the martyrdom of the other disciples? There will be no end when we try to compare with human standards.

Haiz.. but yeah currently my mind is such a mess. Not to mention that my weight loss has finally plateau-ed. I am glad that I manage to avoid all the potato chips for the past 1 month and I have been going to gym more regularly now (4-5x a week). The next goal starting next month will be to avoid all the sugary bottled drinks. I have been trying to cut down by replace them with 0% sugar bottled tea drinks but I know my final goal is to limit those only on Saturdays and Sundays. Beyond this, there is nothing else I can do to help me lose weight :(

Mookata

After more than a decade since I knew Mookata, I finally tried it yesterday as I went with my church community after the triduum. It was also my first time attending a triduum although the reason was more to support some members who were leading the praise and worship, rather than for the mass and to prepare for Pentecost tomorrow. Next time I will definitely think harder before attending any triduum since the homily is more of a talk around the theme of what is being celebrated. Yesterday's homily was almost 45 minutes and I found it exhausting. Some people said that was not so bad since it could even be an hour or more for triduum.

While I enjoyed the sweet smell and taste of the mookata marinate (rather than just burnt smell of BBQ or smoky smell of Korean BBQ), the two things I hate about eating this type of food are the same regardless of the type: the smell stuck on the clothes and the not enjoyable part of grilling, waiting and making sure that the meat is fully cooked. The most shocking experience from this mookata was how I still smelled like a moo after showering and changing to my home clothes. I discovered that the smell also came from my specs because of the oil getting stuck on both of my specs lenses.

At least yesterday's mookata is one small drop of happiness in an otherwise miserable week. My week is just ruined with my laptop dying again. Sigh.. Everything was still working normally on Sunday and I suddenly had the blue screen issue on Monday. The error message was mainly Memory Management so I  was not sure if it was caused by software or hardware.

I went to a computer repair shop at Midview City and it would take 1-2 working days just to diagnose -_- Luckily I still the contact of the repair uncle who I found on Carousell during COVID. He was also not sure of the cause but he suggested to change the SDD since it had already been 3 years. So far the laptop has been okay so perhaps the SDD was indeed the problem. Haiz... :( Seriously nowdays the lifespan of these electronic gadgets is getting shorter and shorter. Although it is painful for the wallet, I am not too emo this time because the laptop somehow was okay for 3 hours on Tuesday night and I already back up the files I need to my external HDD.

Smacked by Jesus

It has been a long standing thing that I am tired of living. I even pray that I can die soon, even during Mass as well as Eucharistic adoration. Yesterday I felt the ultimate shittiness after attending the Novena. The homily was on Christian endurance and the priest shared about Abraham, Moses and Job who trusted in God and did what God asked them to do. They too suffered to do the will of God but they endured and in the end God always fulfils his promise.
 
Hindsight is always 20/20. It is always easy to praise how good God is after the suffering has passed and we are in a better state. Unfortunately currently I feel that I don't even know what I am praying for or if there is any use. I pray for good things and they do not happen. I pray to die early and it also does not happen. After the celebration of Ascension few days ago, I am even grumbling in my prayer that even Jesus has returned to his true home in heaven so why can't He bring me quickly? Is my fucking homeless life for more than 2 decades still not enough. The homily made me feel that perhaps the 'correct' thing I should pray is for endurance to suck it up and get on with this shitty life.

Previously when I stopped going to Church, I felt that God was what I missed. Things were better when I returned to him. Now it seems that everything is plateauing that attending Novena and going to Sunday Mass regularly, praying daily, praying Rosary daily, serving in a ministry and reading daily Bible readings do not help to make me feel better. In fact, they start to feel like bores and chores. I don't think I have the time and capacity to increase all these religious activities to search for God. The easiest way to break away from this monotony is perhaps to 'take a break from God'. That would simply mean going back full circle to where I was few years ago and I have consciously guard myself from doing that since I have been there and I know nothing good will come out from it.

Either finally God hears my cry or He get sick of my complaining that He gave me a wake up call through the homily that we should not just hope and wait for God in Heaven but instead to also find Him and establish His Kingdom on earth. Although Jesus has returned to Heaven, it does not mean that He is no longer present on earth. In my head, it felt as if Jesus was smacking my head and telling me to stop praying to die to be with Him as if He is no longer present on earth.

Haiz.. I hear you, Lord. But how long will this message last in me? It is just a temporary realisation but it does not change the fact that I am really tired. Homeless, unhealthy and unhappy so what is the point of living?

Heart void of love

Yesterday was the international Mother's day. Although I blogged yesterday, I decided to leave this rant as a separate post. From both homilies of Novena and Sunday Mass, I realise how hardened my heart has become. In the past, I would still feel my mom's love for me. However, what I felt yesterday was only the good memories until I was in primary school. Past that, I did not feel any more love and respect towards her as well as my dad.

Which parents would send their child overseas while providing almost nothing?

Which parents have the heart to let their child be a homeless overseas while they have enough money to buy several houses and leave them empty?

Which parents expect their child to be a slave of bank loan while they have enough money in the bank?

Which parents lie to their child for not having enough money to provide while they have enough money?

Only my fucked up parents.. The cherry on top is that they expect me to be their 'ticket' to be able to live overseas and to have a house where they can stay in. Wow.. simply wow...

Before my dad passed away, I believed in my parents' lies that they did not have money and I was angry at God for giving me a life of suffering. Now that I know that my parents actually have the means and I have been lied all along, I do not feel that angry anymore towards God. It is all on my parents for loving money more than me.

Thanks for ruining my youth and my life.

Thanks for making me regret being born.

Thanks for making me at risk of going to hell because I hate my life and I pray that God will grant me death as soon as possible.

Living hell

The weather, or more exactly the heat, this week completes my life in a living hell. It is so hot that I thought the aircon was spoilt. Only after realising that the heat was not just my 'feeling' and the news is reporting temperature up to 34 degrees, I turn my aircon down to 26 degrees and that is the lowest ever since I moved to this place more than a decade ago. With such an irritating weather, I got extremely irritable at work for the whole week. It has been really a long time since I felt so mentally drained and tried my best not too sound exasperated despite me wanting to explode.

I overcame my laziness and went for my Saturday volunteering again yesterday. I overslept and almost missed the bus stop which is an evidence of how long I have been away that my body clock has lost the awareness to wake me up near my stop. Haha or perhaps previously I never fell asleep on the bus journey on Saturday morning. Another volunteer told me that I seemed to lose weight. Ironically few hours later, my pants button burst. Haiz.. Yeah.. Clearly no effect on my belly yet. I had to use my sewing skill again. I cannot remember the last time I did sewing but thank God I am somehow still keeping the skill.

This week marks the third week that I am able to restrain myself from potato chips. It gets easier since I am not even tempted to check out the potato chips section anymore.. until this morning. Haha.. I visited Cold Storage after gym and I was very very very (yes! very!) tempted to get the buy 2 get 3 Kettles potato chips. Yep, the same exact thing I bought before I embarked on this abstinence. This time I was able to resist. Hehe.. With the same promotion being repeated just barely a month later makes me think that the supplier knows that $5.65 for each pack is way too expensive. They should cut down the price back to $3.95 each. That is still cheaper than buy 2 get 3. Anyway, I think this promo may be a more regular occurrence so I still can get them next time after losing 6 more kg.

Unfortunately I am still struggling and losing against bottled drinks. I managed to resist $3.50 for 2 promotion for the Chococino at Cold Storage but I succumbed after lunch since the promotion at Fairprice is $2.95 for 2. My excuse is Sunday is my cheat day but oh well.. Buying two bottles mean cheating for two days.

This diet journey has been tough especially in the past two days. Previously I used to eat a bit more on weekends but I am cutting down the additional snacks and try to just keep to one main lunch. This makes me feeling hungry at 5pm-ish. It is very strange since my lunch on weekdays is without additional snack and I can tahan until dinner after gym. I have lost 4kg so far so at least cutting down the potato chips and additional weekend snack is showing effect. This is the motivation to keep on going and to work on stopping the bottled drinks which is made impossible due to the weather this past week. I hope this heat will be over soon.

Logistical back pain

God works in mysterious ways as He turns my suffering into a blessing for others. My lying and running away to avoid someone turns out to be a huge help to where I am currently seeking temporary shelter. I asked my friend in the Cathedral if I could help out with their Run on Fridays so that I was not completely out of touch with God outside Sunday Masses since I planned to skip attending sessions at my parish. That is how I have been helping with their logistics for the past two months and I just found out yesterday that my friend's wife who is in charge of logistics is expecting. Hence I have been a God-sent (not my word but the word she used when she told me about her pregnancy) or my friend would have had to solo all the logistics on his own when she was unwell and she would have to do a lot more physical lifting and moving during the retreat.

Some people wonder why I would travel all the way to Cathedral but I have a direct bus and I enjoy a long bus ride. Taking MRT is convenient too with Thomson Line is just within 5 minutes of walking distance. Again God works in mysterious ways. My friend's office is only a few bus stops away from my home so on Fridays when he is in the office, he can pick me up. There is also a couple who live opposite me and they will offer me ride home. In other words, although I never complain about the transport, God provides me.

With the retreat over just now, I am left with two weeks before I have to return. Bleah I am not looking forward to feel all the negativity again but I saw her briefly yesterday and yeah she is still irritating as ever. I think I have learnt from the past two months that I shall not be involved in anything when I return to my own parish. Too many cooks spoil the broth. There are more than enough people who are enthusiastic and want to serve/contribute that perhaps each person can only a get a 'little' slice of the pie that they end up trying to make themselves feel bigger or more important. Some make big hoohah over simple things and make things more complicated than necessary. Some nitpick the negatives and criticise others instead of focusing on the actual goals and tasks we have. I have enough politics at work and I do not go to church for another politics so nope. Hehe...

In contrast, currently there is lack of resources for the Cathedral Run that we can work peacefully since everyone knows everyone is trying our best to make things work with whatever resources we have. Just like for this retreat, there was no need to organise or fight over who did what since there were mostly me and my friend's wife so we just had to do everything from turning rooms over for one activity to the next, moving furnitures up and down, receiving food, cleaning the dining tables and even doing the traffic control for the confession. I did not mind these because busy with things meant not to worry about socialising. Thank God I decided to still go for my usual 7am Mass today so that I did not have to go for the retreat Mass and used the time to turn over the room. Still, I was very happy that everyone tried to chip in during the packing and moving of things at the end of yesterday and today.

I did not go for confession but I had a chit chat with one of the Fathers. I knew him when he was still a Brother and we were in the same WYD 2008 trip. It was my first time coming across someone who does not find my reason of wanting to die because I think I am done living as not unusual. He suggested me to go for CER (Conversion Experience Retreat). This is my biggest reward from helping out for the retreat because I think this may be God's way to provide me the direction and answer I need with my life, other than praying to die. I promised Father that I would check it out. Haiz.. it is a 5-day stay in retreat. I don't think I have any more spare leave for this year and I don't have anyone to share room with. I have been sharing rooms with strangers in previous retreats but this time I just feel lazy. Maybe I am not in the state in which the desire to look for God is strong enough to get rid all these inconsequential concerns.

Other than that, I bring back back pain (yes there are 2 'back's, not a typo) from yesterday. I am quite sure it was from ensuring the white board which had one of the wheels came off not to topple over and for me to slot in the wheel a few times. I am so tired and sleepy already that I don't think I will even need to take Anarex tonight.

Gacha luck

I have been playing too much game lately. Around one month ago or so, I finally decided to try Hero Wars. Yes, that game with frequent and annoying advertisements I keep seeing in Youtube. The game is nothing like the Youtube. It is the typical RPG gacha collector time and the maths puzzles in those advertisements only make a very small part of the game. Hero Wars is not that demanding since there is no real story line and the events are mainly about getting rewards from doing the normal daily parts of the game. Having said that, it still takes my time and I dropped Tears of Themis for this.

I tried Ragnarok Origin Global after seeing the frequent advertisement in Hero Wars. Damn! Haha.. It reminds me of my good old Cabal days since I have not touched any MMORPG ever since. The gameplay is quite enjoyable but unfortunately my iPad cannot really support. It frustrates me since the game crashes quite frequently. Nevertheless, it is just a matter of time before I would drop it since the game is also too time consuming (even one daily mission can be dancing AFK for 30 mins.. wth...) and too difficult even when fighting boss in a team. I hate games that force people to play in teams and too difficult to be solo-ed. The final reason for me to uninstall is the advent of Honkai Star Rail.

I think Mihoyo (now Hoyoverse) is doing very well for Genshin Impact that I am looking forward to Honkai Star Rail, even if it is a turn-based RPG. It is good not to duplicate Genshin but seriously turn-based RPG feels so slow and boring after experiencing action RPG. I plan to be F2P for Honkai Star Rail and I will see how it goes. Haha.. So far I have not fully enjoyed the game since I am still weak and have not really developed my characters. I still think I will still play this game for quite sometime since I love pretty characters and over-the-top attack animation of some characters. The most memorable one for now is Himeko drinking tea while her satellite shoots lasers at the enemies from outer space. Before the game launch, the character which caught my interest was Dan Heng just because he looks like Zhongli in Genshin! Although he is only 4-star in Honkai Star Rail, he is given for free so oh yeah.. I can use him as my main.

Zhongli and Dan Heng - both are spear users too!

I chiong-ed over the weekend to get enough tickets for the beginner's discount banner and I got Bronya, who is considered by many as the best standard character since she can buff and make the buffed character to have their turn immediately. I am more into husbando so I prefer Gepard or Welt but I am very happy since I get the so called best character from the available options.

Gacha gods have been looking at me in favour too. I have been saving my primogems in Genshin Impact for Baizhu. When Nahida came back, I was tempted to get her to C2 instead. In the end I decided to stop at C1 so that I still have enough for Baizhu, even if I lose 50/50. When the latest patch arrived yesterday, I finished all my savings for Baizhu, Amos Bow and Ganyu. I am lucky that I won 50/50 for the characters from Nahida onwards. However, Amos Bow was an accident as I was only hoping to get the 4-star weapons that I do not own yet. It is Nilou all over again. Since I get the weapon, I might as well try for its best-in-slot character and luckily I got Ganyu just as my primogems ran out. Now I know why she is so good. With only leftover artifacts and level 40 Amos Bow (since I don't have enough materials), she already hits harder than my Zhongli who I have been investing. Her charged attack style is indeed boring but seeing her perma-freezing the hydro enemies as I farm for her weapon's material is satisfying.

I don't have ready artifacts for Baizhu but his healing already keeps my team at full HP even without Zhongli. In fact, currently I am using a full friendship-point farming party with Layla and three newly pulled characters: Baizhu, Ganyu and Kaveh. They are all still hitting like wet noodles, even for daily commissions. Perhaps Baizhu can make me less dependent on Zhongli hehe.. After all, I know I want to pull for Baizhu since he first appeared in game 2 years ago. Someone working in a pharmacy (not to mention its funny name Bubu pharmacy), wearing glasses, green design and catalyst/magic user... ahh.. everything that I like. I would main him if he is an attacker but oh well, being a healer suits his character better. He is a doctor working in a pharmacy after all.

Glad that Baizhu gets a classy splash art

Aaahh it is very therapeutic to write a random post purely about gaming. Though I nearly had a heart attack when I could not proceed with the Sumeru event opening scene with my iPad kept crashing. Gosh.. I even reinstalled the whole game and updated my iOS to no avail. I tried to download but the game size in PC is even bigger than my laptop's total storage size. My almost 5-year old phone was the saviour. I never expect it to be able to run such a modern game but desperate time called for desperate measures. I downloaded and thank God my phone helped me to at least get past that cutscene. The 3 hours wait just to download the game to the phone was worth it.

Existential crisis

I already failed my potato chips abstinence last week. It was a reminder not to tempt myself to even check the potato chips section. I thought I would be strong enough to resist but I could not. I ended up buying Kettles potato chips when I saw buy 2 get 3 offer. Thank God, my younger sister was in town last week and she did not mind bringing two packets home when I offered. Usually it would be my excuse to buy another 3 bags since the promotion is still ongoing until this coming Wednesday. However, the regret is still etched strongly in my memory that so far I am no longer tempted, even when the same promotion is also going on in Cold Storage.

With a new month starting, I think it is time for me to also attempt cutting down the bottled drinks. I know it is going to be hard to immediately stop but at least I will put some limit and aim to abide to those limits: only buying drinks to use up my accumulated coins (which should only happen once every two weeks or so) and perhaps once a week on Sunday if I feel like giving myself a treat.

I am hit by another bout of existential crisis again these past few days, thanks to the fucking maid and my landlord who allowed her boyfriend to stay for almost a month. I have been patiently accommodating the noise and the cooking, until last Tuesday when she was even more rude to me when I told her to lower her volume. Apparently she was so angry that she did not iron my clothes as usual. Since she was that upset, there was no point for me to be kind and I dropped an essay to my landlady listing all the shit I had been tahan-ing with. At least that stopped all the nonsense since Friday. I never expect to have someone ironing my clothes so to have that done when I rented this place has been a bonus. In addition, I have been ironing my own home clothes and graphic T-shirts so to add-on ironing my working clothes is not a big deal if can stop this fucking maid's cooking, bringing friends and making noise, and cleaning the house more often.

Haiz, how many more years I have to endure this homeless pathetic life? My health is also making me more emo. I just realise that my eye floaters are getting worse. I don't know if I am more tired from over-gaming last week to only start realising the worsening or it is really worsening. I had my teeth cleaning on Saturday and one tooth was showing sign of weakening. Recently I also keep having the feeling that something keeps getting stuck when I floss and this is confirmed that there was more plaque build up. Bleah... With no change to my diet and my brushing or flossing habit, it makes me wonder what is the point of living with this aging and failing body.

In the past, this would turn me away from God. This is not the case this time. I flee to God, hoping for His mercy to draw me closer to Him and to be with Him in heaven. In other words, I actually pray so that I can die as soon as possible because death is the ticket to enter heaven. After done with my dental appointment at 935am, I was contemplating if I should go for 10am since there was a chance that I would be late and I rather not going at all than being late. I rushed and I reached during the opening hymn. However, it did not upset me as much as expected since I have not been attending any physical Novena since I started volunteering on Saturdays since November. And yeah, I am so fucked up that I actually prayed for my own death in front of the Blessed Sacrament.

Yesterday happened to be the Good Shepherd Sunday which is also known as Vocations Sunday. It is a reminder of how lost I am in this life that I just want to die to escape. I have excluded married life since I become too bitter in life. There is no way I can love others when I am not even in a capacity to love myself. Religious life is also not for me since I never had any follow up after saying I did not mind to explore more after attending a vocation retreat in 2019. While this has always been my take on the situation, it seems that God sent me an affirmation from one article in the Catholic News which states if an attempt to discern a vocation is not successful, treat the door as closed and don't continue banging it. That leaves me with singlehood as the remaining choice but it is not making me happy either. I really cannot and do not understand what God wants from me or wants me to do. Is being a homeless who has been wandering to find reason for happiness or meaning in this life for more than 2/3 of my life on earth not enough?

I have been asking for the grace to know my vocation in my prayers for the past few years to no avail and I think God foresees that I am on the brink of giving up to even pray for that. Somehow this Catholic News also has a Prayer to St Joseph to know one's vocation and this is my first time knowing that St Joseph can be invoked for vocation too! This encourages me not to give up on praying to know my vocation since now I can also 'try' this prayer. Hahaha... It is indeed very interesting that I managed to get a copy of Catholic News yesterday. I have not had any in the past few months since somehow my parish only had very few copies. There were quite a lot yesterday and I hope they stock up the same amount as few months ago so that I can always get a copy in the future.

Today is Labour Day which the Church also celebrates as the Feast of Saint Joseph the Worker. The Cathedral organised a Mass and brunch for those involved in the ministries at the Cathedral. I am only temporary helping Landings there but the coordinator asked me to come along. I did not mind since it is a long weekend. It was really an eye opener to see that the number of people who serve in the Cathedral can fill the whole congregation for one Mass. The brunch looked good and they even had baristas for the coffee. Too bad I skipped since I did not bother to queue. There were only 2 buffet lines for that many people so yeah...

More important than the food was the homily. It is a good reminder how the good intention to serve God can be hijacked by sins and we may end up using ministries as an avenue to show off ourselves, expecting rewards/returns, or being too engrossed with all the busyness and activities that we end up forgetting about relationship with God. I am conscious not to fall into the first one but I am guilty of the latter two, especially when I volunteer for activities outside Church. I unconsciously expect intangible rewards/returns such as to 'feel good' that I actually do something useful with my time or I am being helpful to others. These expectations often make me angry when I feel people are wasting my time or I am not helping anyone during the volunteering. Slowly it makes me feel like quitting these activities. So thank God for the reminder today.