Just a few weeks ago, I questioned myself why I chose St Jerome as my patron saint since now I no longer experience the favour of females which makes others hate me. In fact since starting working, females are the ones giving me pain with their natural bitchiness.
Today I no longer have the question because I read a story about St Jerome's encounter with Jesus. After finishing his Bible translation just before Christmas, he spent Christmas Eve in Bethlehem. Sometime around midnight, Jesus appeared to him asking what St Jerome would give Jesus as birthday present. St Jerome presented his translation work but Jesus said that was not what He wanted. St Jerome began to complain to Jesus, asking why the work which took him decades to complete and far from home was not what Jesus wanted. The offers of fasting, becoming a hermit and giving to the poor were also not what Jesus wanted. In the end, St Jerome asked what Jesus wanted and the answer was his sins.
The story hit me like a truck since this is exactly what I have in mind. Since it is said that wherever I am now and whatever I am doing now is all part of God's plan, I have been telling God I have given up everything since I came to Singapore two decades ago so what else does He want from me that I cannot be happy? I have left behind: the comfort of home to become homeless, car and opportunity to learn driving to take public transports, the time with parents and family and friends to be all by myself. All in exchange of my baptism which I think as the only positive thing I gain by coming here and I may not gain if I were to stay back home.
Another part of the reflection article says that everything we have comes from God so technically to offer our life, time, talent, wealth, etc is simply to give back the gifts to the Giver. While sins are definitely not from God and indeed, sins are something that we can give to Him which do not belong to Him in the first place.
It sounds so nice and dandy but truthfully, giving up sins is the hardest thing to do. It means self-denial and suffering. Here are some examples.
- When people hurt me, it is painful enough for me just to hide things inside and not to retaliate. Now to be forgiving to those people is another ball game.
- Anger and impatience
- I know that my obsession with bottled drinks and potato chips are borderline gluttony and yet it is so difficult for me to even cut down! Don't even talk about stopping.
- I spend a lot of time gaming and to ask me not to get 'addicted' to them by spending less time or deleting them is definitely something I am not going to do.
- My sleep, me-time, my laziness, my self-centeredness
- Perhaps the biggest one: the ungratefulness of this gift of life to the point that I pray for death so that I do not need to live this life anymore.
Currently my thinking is that these sins are the only small enjoyment I can have in the midst of this life I hate. If I also let them go, what else do I have as enjoyable? The model answer certainly is happiness will come when I let go these sins. Anyway if letting go sins is that easy, we are all already in heaven. I have to start somewhere and the lowest hanging fruit is definitely the drinks and potato chips.
Thank God the message because if the story is not about my patron saint, perhaps I would not feel that much resonance. It is also a reminder that it is not a mistake for me to choose St Jerome as patron saint since there are still similarities and struggles and I need to learn from him to overcome. St Jerome, thank you and please pray/intercede for me.
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