Disastrous 2022

It feels that I only had half a year in 2022 since I was enjoying myself at home in the first half of the year. Sadly, that does not translate to good time. I thought I could help to put things back after my dad's passing but not only I failed with my intention, I also fall into the same cycle of ignorance like the rest of my family. Seeing how my mom and sisters are not even interested in keeping things together at home, why should I bother? The worst part is knowing how much money my dad left behind. It makes me realise how my parents have basically fucked up my life to the point of no return. They have enough to afford a house here but they choose not to. It is too late now because the same amount cannot get one now. Not to mention the interest rate and my youthful age is over. I am just a bitter person waiting for my death to come soon.

It is also ironic that the closer I feel to God, the more I hate my life and the more I pray that I can be with Him soon. Not gonna lie that my prayer for 2023 resolution is for this year to be my final year on Earth. This is a 180 degree opposite of what I felt at the end of 2021 when I felt less passively suicidal because I was spiritually less detached from God. In fact, I do more this year. I am still keeping my commitment with daily rosary, I start volunteering on Saturdays again and I even participated in two Landings Run this year (once as Zoom host and once as facilitator). I suppose being COVIDed at the end of the retreat dampened my spiritual life with that as my reward after doing God's work.

Perhaps God knows how emo I am currently and somehow Youtube recommended me this song yesterday. It is not the first time I am listening to some praise and worship songs. In fact, I have watched some songs from the same singer as well as others related to Gaither. 

So let's count my blessings for this year. The six months stay at home was certainly a blessing since it was definitely better than being homeless in my rental room here. Able to travel during COVID to Bali without other tourists was also definitely a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. The biggest blessing was journeying with my Landings group. It is rare to journey with people around my age who are also searching for a faith community. Although I don't think I can consider them as friends, I am glad to at least still keep in touch after the Run ended. Anyway, there is nothing against them but it is just me already sealing my heart from any sort of warmth to friendship, love, or whatever human relationship. I am also unsure if I want to have friends because attending various social gatherings make me tired and unable to sleep. Yet if there were not such gathering, perhaps I would be envious of those who have. Oh well, the grass is always greener at the other side.

In the end, my 2023 resolution is still the same: I hope that I can die sometime this year. But suppose that it does not happen, my wish is to stop the bottled drinks for lunch. I successfully had zero bubble tea for the second half of this year and restrained myself not to buy potato chips unless they were on sale for $4 per bag (sometimes my tolerance was until $4.30 but definitely never more than $4.50). However, those bottled drinks become the new temptation in 2022. With me starting to go gym again, it has to be coupled with stricter diet. Sigh.. It is so demoralising to see my tummy and my neck folds which prove that my fat is really fat. I hope I can stop the bottled drinks to the point of minimum (like the potato chips) or even zero (like the bubble tea).

I also hope to re-focus my faith and spiritual life. I think I need to balance my commitments so that I do not burn out. I am still waiting for God's sign on what exactly He needs me to do with my life because I believe that will be the one to make happy and have purpose in this life. Otherwise for now, the line I am quoting from the song above is: Angels will attend, help and comfort give you to your journey's end. And I pray that my journey will finally end in 2023. Hurray!