Defenses breached

On the first June, I finally decided to give up on my bubble tea abstinence. The withdrawal from potato chips really tilted the temptations to bubble tea. The final straw was when I weighed myself. I did not lose any weight since the current WFH arrangement restarted about 3 weeks ago. So what is the point of all this 'suffering' since I do not reap any benefit. I skip exercising for this week as well.

I felt like an addict. Instead of getting my favourite drink from KOI, I tried to find whatever available options from Grab free tea time delivery which ended up in regrets. I ordered from iTea which I never tried before. Not one but two cups at one go since I had to meet the minimum amount. As feared, once I succumbed, everything would just go downhill. Today I ordered another 2 cups and this time was from BoberTea. Although I don't know I can follow through, I promise that I will stop all these bubble teas again. After 4 cups which failed to spark joy, I should just stick to my potato chips. Either way it is a failure for me but at least potato chips will give me more 'high'. Wow.. I really speak like an addict.

My mood is currently very imbalanced again. The lack of purpose makes me feel very negative with my life. Yesterday I received $10 voucher from Kinokuniya which will expire on 15 July. I should be happy but it makes me more stressed because currently there is nothing that I intend to buy. After randomly searching, I found Legend of Final Fantasy IX which is recently published. I enjoyed this series of books for FF VI to VIII but I decided not to buy since I thought the price was expensive. After checking how the prices of the previous books which I bought, I realised that the price is about the same. So I should not feel that it is expensive at all. Sigh.. what's the point of having money if not to bring happiness?

Currently Genshin Impact is near the end of the patch so there is nothing much to do. I have more time and I attempt to revive my abandoned commitment of daily rosary plus either daily mass or chaplet of St Michael. I succeeded on Tuesday but failed yesterday. Today I managed to do all three. Yet I feel that I am overkilling it and I worry if it will just bring me spiritual boredom instead. Haiz.. The thing is despite doing this, I don't feel closer to God and perhaps I am just doing for the sake my own commitment. Aaargh.. I have to remind myself that it is better to still pray even if I don't feel like it than not praying at all.

As ungrateful as I am, God is still kind and today's homily reminds me that God wants me to do my best with what He has given me. That is a reminder to be grateful with what I have and see the best that I can do with those rather than focusing on what I do not have and what I cannot achieve because I do not have those. Of course, this is easier said (or 'typed') than done. Inside me, I still feel full of shit right now.