Sensitive

I am not sure what is happening with me this week. I am irritated with every little things that happen in my life. Even things which are supposedly good still end up upsetting me. Let me start with diet which goes out of the window this week. After having McD BTS meal on Tuesday, I had KFC Triple Down on Friday. I am not even interested in Double Down anymore so I don't know why I was so eager to try Triple Down. Definitely it is for the sake of novelty and yet I could not resist. My bubble tea woes last week has been replaced with potato chips this week. Yep... 4 cups of bubble tea was replaced with 4 bags of potato chips.

At the start of the June, I gave up about hitting $500 spending. Thanks to the indiscriminate spending on all the junk food in these past two weeks, I was at $440 yesterday so getting $50 interest for this month is still within reach. I was so stressed thinking of what I should spend on last night. I managed to remain sane and not to take risk with in game purchase for Genshin Impact since I do not know when Apple will bill me. Thank goodness I decided to replenish my eye supplement as my current stock will only last for a month or so. At least I am not wasting money since it is just a matter of time for me to replenish. I remained emo after ordering because I realised that I was missing an item from my previous order. There was no invoice or list of items in the box so I only relied on memory when I was checking the package two weeks ago. I only noticed yesterday after seeing the purchase history online. I don't know if two weeks is too late and I still sent an enquiry. It is just a $1 soap (discounted price) and is not a big deal but yet I was so worked up about that. Jeez...

I reactivated my gym membership on Tuesday but only overcome my laziness by Thursday. It is now required to still keep the mask on during the warm up and I find it uncomfortable and lame. Lucky I suspended for the past 3 weeks when the gym only offered mask on exercises. Seriously no matter how low the intensity, an exercise is an exercise and it is really difficult to have the mask on. There was pull up which means I still have to rest for the past 2 days since I still can feel the muscle soreness. I hope tomorrow I am good to exercise again. One good thing is that it seems that many are still not comfortable to return to gym yet and the competition to book slots is not as bad as usual.

Vaccination discrimination is slowly ramping up. I am not an anti-vaxxer but everything is about risk vs benefit. I am not comfortable with mRNA technology. Two weeks ago I was sort of decided to get vaccination and bam! the news about pericarditis risk in young men appeared. Today I saw the news that FDA has added warning of pericarditis and myocarditis. I heard my sister's friend died two days after receiving Astra Zeneca so even the non-mRNA is not that safe either. Bleah.. I am even thinking of Sinovac despite the poorer efficacy if this whole vaccination discrimination becomes more pervasive. There is news of the prospect of Novavax before the year end and now I am inclined for this. Hopefully there is nothing bad about this. The funny thing is that I am worrying so much about this when it is not even my turn yet to register, even if I want the mRNA vaccines. Lol. Perhaps the most ridiculous thing is that if they allow vaccinated people to be mask-free, then I don't care about the side effect risk already. Haha... That benefit is enough for me.

I finished watching a Thai drama titled Happy Birthday. Ironically, it is not exactly a happy affair as it tackles suicide theme. My goodness.. I thought nothing could beat 1 Litre of Tears but I cried even at the supposedly normal or not sad scenes. I could not even finish the last episode in one sitting. The last episode ran for more than 2 hours and my eyes were sore from all the tears. After experiencing the death of my father, I think now I know that death is still sadder than sickness.

Watching this reminded me that suicide is never caused by one person or one factor. It is always everything goes wrong before a person decides that even death is better than such life. A more sinister thought is that suicide is the sweetest revenge as the people left behind will be affected and may not ever overcome the guilt. I am not gonna lie that if I am not a Catholic, I would already be dead now. The only thing that keeps my passive suicidal self to become active is the knowledge that I will definitely go to hell if I kill myself.

Dear God. Everyday I pray for the strength and grace to defend myself from all these evil thoughts. In the past, my demon was mainly with my homelessness. With the death of my father, there goes all my dream: to eventually have a house here which my parents can treat as their holiday home when they already retire. I am grateful that this is just an unrealised dream rather than a regret. Still, it makes my life feel even more useless. Sigh.. scratch my first line. Dear God, I pray that you call me to your presence instead because living is too painful for me, even with Your grace :( I am tired.