Sensitive

I am not sure what is happening with me this week. I am irritated with every little things that happen in my life. Even things which are supposedly good still end up upsetting me. Let me start with diet which goes out of the window this week. After having McD BTS meal on Tuesday, I had KFC Triple Down on Friday. I am not even interested in Double Down anymore so I don't know why I was so eager to try Triple Down. Definitely it is for the sake of novelty and yet I could not resist. My bubble tea woes last week has been replaced with potato chips this week. Yep... 4 cups of bubble tea was replaced with 4 bags of potato chips.

At the start of the June, I gave up about hitting $500 spending. Thanks to the indiscriminate spending on all the junk food in these past two weeks, I was at $440 yesterday so getting $50 interest for this month is still within reach. I was so stressed thinking of what I should spend on last night. I managed to remain sane and not to take risk with in game purchase for Genshin Impact since I do not know when Apple will bill me. Thank goodness I decided to replenish my eye supplement as my current stock will only last for a month or so. At least I am not wasting money since it is just a matter of time for me to replenish. I remained emo after ordering because I realised that I was missing an item from my previous order. There was no invoice or list of items in the box so I only relied on memory when I was checking the package two weeks ago. I only noticed yesterday after seeing the purchase history online. I don't know if two weeks is too late and I still sent an enquiry. It is just a $1 soap (discounted price) and is not a big deal but yet I was so worked up about that. Jeez...

I reactivated my gym membership on Tuesday but only overcome my laziness by Thursday. It is now required to still keep the mask on during the warm up and I find it uncomfortable and lame. Lucky I suspended for the past 3 weeks when the gym only offered mask on exercises. Seriously no matter how low the intensity, an exercise is an exercise and it is really difficult to have the mask on. There was pull up which means I still have to rest for the past 2 days since I still can feel the muscle soreness. I hope tomorrow I am good to exercise again. One good thing is that it seems that many are still not comfortable to return to gym yet and the competition to book slots is not as bad as usual.

Vaccination discrimination is slowly ramping up. I am not an anti-vaxxer but everything is about risk vs benefit. I am not comfortable with mRNA technology. Two weeks ago I was sort of decided to get vaccination and bam! the news about pericarditis risk in young men appeared. Today I saw the news that FDA has added warning of pericarditis and myocarditis. I heard my sister's friend died two days after receiving Astra Zeneca so even the non-mRNA is not that safe either. Bleah.. I am even thinking of Sinovac despite the poorer efficacy if this whole vaccination discrimination becomes more pervasive. There is news of the prospect of Novavax before the year end and now I am inclined for this. Hopefully there is nothing bad about this. The funny thing is that I am worrying so much about this when it is not even my turn yet to register, even if I want the mRNA vaccines. Lol. Perhaps the most ridiculous thing is that if they allow vaccinated people to be mask-free, then I don't care about the side effect risk already. Haha... That benefit is enough for me.

I finished watching a Thai drama titled Happy Birthday. Ironically, it is not exactly a happy affair as it tackles suicide theme. My goodness.. I thought nothing could beat 1 Litre of Tears but I cried even at the supposedly normal or not sad scenes. I could not even finish the last episode in one sitting. The last episode ran for more than 2 hours and my eyes were sore from all the tears. After experiencing the death of my father, I think now I know that death is still sadder than sickness.

Watching this reminded me that suicide is never caused by one person or one factor. It is always everything goes wrong before a person decides that even death is better than such life. A more sinister thought is that suicide is the sweetest revenge as the people left behind will be affected and may not ever overcome the guilt. I am not gonna lie that if I am not a Catholic, I would already be dead now. The only thing that keeps my passive suicidal self to become active is the knowledge that I will definitely go to hell if I kill myself.

Dear God. Everyday I pray for the strength and grace to defend myself from all these evil thoughts. In the past, my demon was mainly with my homelessness. With the death of my father, there goes all my dream: to eventually have a house here which my parents can treat as their holiday home when they already retire. I am grateful that this is just an unrealised dream rather than a regret. Still, it makes my life feel even more useless. Sigh.. scratch my first line. Dear God, I pray that you call me to your presence instead because living is too painful for me, even with Your grace :( I am tired.

BTS McD

Finally BTS Meal from McDonald's arrived here since Monday. As expected, I did not manage to order it on Monday. In Grab, my nearest McD was listed as closed or out of delivery area for the whole Monday.  Hehe.. I decided to forgo the free tea time delivery just for the sake of trying this asap and I managed to order it on Tuesday. I am not a BTS fan so I really tried this just out of FOMO. Lol. The cajun sauce is normal while the sweet chili sauce is meh. The drink cannot be changed and the worst part is I did not find the meal filling at all even after the additional blueberry cheesepie that I ordered on top of this BTS meal.

Did not take photo of the fries since it did not have the special purple packaging

This week has been atrocious for me so far. I was planning to return to gym yesterday but I felt very sleepy so I skipped. I told myself to finish my cup noodle stock last night so that I ran out of food tonight and I had no excuse to skip today. I ended up with stomachache today, overate and overdrank  with lunch delivery and hence ended up skipping gym again today. Haiz... It is really difficult to overcome the inertia.

I hope my willpower is strong enough to overcome the inertia (aka laziness) tomorrow. Based on previous experience, I know once I start going gym again I would actually enjoy it.

Happy days are ending

This is a picture taken at Plaza Singapura yesterday at around 1115am after my blood donation. I am honestly surprised that majority would be guai guai to stay at home during this period. Hehe.. After all, I find Junction 8 is forever crowded, regardless of what phase. I guess that is the main difference between a shopping mall for window shopping vs a shopping mall for necessity of residents.

I went exactly at 10am, the supposed opening hours of the blood bank, and I was already the fifth people in the queue. It is heartening to see that people are still eager to donate during this period. I was contemplating between going home straight away vs checking out Plaza Sing. I decided to do the latter since the last time I went there was probably when I cut my hair before CNY. It is interesting to see the impact of COVID with fewer people, shops opening at later time (my guess since there were still many unopened shop when I was there) and more shops being hoarded which means out of business. No wonder CB is out of the question as I think more businesses will not be able to tahan. Haiz.. Happy quiet days like this are ending and will not happen again. I will miss it although I also never go out during this period. Hahaha... Yesterday was specially going out just for the blood donation.

After so long not buying any toys or stressing over toys, yesterday was my first time feeling happy for splurging for a statue. I pre-order Tsume Ikigai Gemini Saga. I could not get their original Gemini Saga, which I am still emo until now, so even though this one is the evil version, I just have to get it to have a Gemini gold saint. With 1/6 scale, the height is comparable with the previous Gemini Saga and will still be comparable to the other Saint Seiya HQS I own.

Now I hope Tsume will just create Saint Seiya statues under this Ikigai line since their HQS is just getting more and more ridiculous. I want the character to be centerpiece, not the effects. With their HQS, now the effects overpower the character just to increase the size and the price of the statues. The prices for their latest Saint Seiya HQS (Camus as well as Hyoga) are double of this Ikigai. It is as if paying for Camus+Aquarius lady or Hyoga+swan while at the same price, it should have been Camus vs Hyoga under this Ikigai line. Bleah.. I am still emo with the decision to skip Hyoga since it means I won't have a complete collection. Haiz.. yup and then my emoness will lead to me thinking about my pathetic state of life that I don't even have the space for these toys even though I have the money. Saga's opponent is Siegfried which is an easy pass for me because Asgard Arc is not exactly memorable. I don't even know or remember much about the Asgard Arc. In addition, Siegfried's pose is a bad design for display purpose as his lightning balls are directly in front of his face. Although the face is not obscured, overall it is a bad pose from front view. But that's okay since bad design means no temptation to buy. No need to buy means no need to emo over money and display space.

Red alert

I am very irritable these past few days. I continuously get interrupted to do another thing by my boss which means I have to stop the task on my hand. Today I also blew my fuse when she interrupted me with the thing that she was supposed to do. Aaargh... Okay I managed to hold it because as much as I felt irritated, the bulk of it came from myself. My boss never said that I had to do those things right here and right now. It is me who wanted to clear it as soon as possible so that I could move on to what I was in the midst of doing. It is me who hates the feeling of still having something incomplete at the back of my mind.

This makes me thing how on earth I survived in my previous job for 7 years. No wonder I was continously angsty as I had to multi-task all the way. It is not that I cannot multi-task. In fact, I can do it quite well. It is just that naturally I am not a multi-tasker so having to multi-task requires much more effort, energy, and patience I suppose.

While the weather still continues to be uncomfortably warm, the biggest downer to my mood this week is the realisation that I have not lost any weight. Then what is the point of me holding my desire for good food and junk food? This leads to the endless cycle of self-harm: I end up keep ordering bubble tea delivery (2 cups at one go today and on Tuesday) and I am still not exercising. Those bubble teas made it difficult to fall asleep which aggravated my bad mood in the mornings 

I planned to cut my hair last Sunday. I thought I reached early enough but there were already 4 people in the queue. I gave it a miss and until now I am still irritated with my own hair. My mind keeps telling me of this pending task which irritates me further. Bleah... As I was thinking of a good day and good place to cut, I remembered that it had been almost 2 weeks past the time when I can donate my blood again. I could not get any appointment slot so I shall walk in this Saturday and then have my hair cut after that. I hope this plan will go smoothly or else I will be damn pissed again.

My income tax statement arrived this week and FML. I will be paying double of what I am currently paying now. It is not as if I had a pay rise or big bonus. There is no rebate despite last year was COVID year. I feel even more emo after calculating that my pathetic pay rise this year is not even enough to pay the higher income tax that I have to pay now. It makes me want to change job but seeing that I hardly see a matching job within my expected pay from the daily email from Jobstreet, perhaps I am already considered 'overpaid'. I was so excited when I saw a job ad within my expected range and was thinking of applying. After I calmed down a little bit, I decided that I still value the flexibility and relatively low stress at where I am now.

I was so happy to receive my Kinokuniya book order today but that turned into anger as Kinokuniya sent me damaged books with dent hard cover for one while the other has shrivelled and bent cover plus torn spine. Clearly noone will buy books with such conditions in store so it is kinda obvious that they are just sending the junk stocks for online. Grr... I had to waste my time to take photos and send email. Not to mention that the voucher they promised to send me from two weeks ago still has not arrived. I don't even know if they have sent it out.

I saw a post that Tsume will be announcing another Saint Seiya figures (yes, plural because I think it will be a pair in battle) tomorrow. Instead of excitement, I feel more stressed instead. What if they are nice? That means I will have to spend and then I will have to think about space problems. So ironic to think about money when I have been splurging on bubble teas like mad for the past two weeks without guilt. Now looking back, I don't think when spending for food but I get emo over spending for online games. It is not the money, it is not the item, I think it is just my hormones and mood swings. How can it be that everything that happened to me this week only made me angry? Haiz just let me die is better.

Tobit

The first readings from daily Masses that I followed this week were taken from the Book of Tobit. Prior to this, I only know about Archangel Raphael treating Tobit's blindness. I finally became more interested after the priest shared a bit more about the whole book and recommended it for reading as it is not that long and yet there are few good learning points. I finished reading it this morning. I woke up earlier than usual as I had to pee. I decided to try reading it for awhile before continuing my sleep. Initially I wanted to stop at chapter 3, then chapter 7 and in the end I finished the whole 14 chapters at one go. Hehe.

I find it like reading an adventure story with a good pacing to cover the story of Tobit as well as Tobias (his son). I don't find it preachy or too cheem like the usual expectations of reading the Bible. I no longer feel that bad of wanting and praying for death as I find my life meaningless since that is also something that holy people in the Bible lamented. Tobit is an example. Ultimately that is the the most meaningful takeaway from me. I am reminded yet again to be patient and to trust God for His plan according to His time.

My diet woes still continue. Yesterday I bought $7.55 for two bags of Kettle potato chips. I finished eating both as dinner earlier and that was a good decision. I was thinking of buying again when I go for groceries tomorrow or on Monday but after two bags at one go, I am kind of sick and I no longer have the intention to buy again. Yesterday I had indigestion and gastric discomfort again after buying Burger King on top of my lunch. Although I pre-ordered my lunch for self-collection, it was not ready after my groceries shopping. While waiting, I saw that Burger King's current new menu is kakiage burger. I was only interested in trying the kakiage but sadly the Bento Box which has only the kakiage+chicken nuggets+fries is not available for delivery. That was why I decided to buy it although I already had a lunch pre-ordered.

Not sure if it was because I overate or kakiage is just not suitable for my stomach. My gastric is usually also acting up after eating kakiage from Teppei Shokudo and I always think that perhaps it is too oily. But now after another kakiage not from Teppei Shokudo, maybe it is not about the oil but somehow my stomach just cannot tolerate battered fried vegetables.

Defenses breached

On the first June, I finally decided to give up on my bubble tea abstinence. The withdrawal from potato chips really tilted the temptations to bubble tea. The final straw was when I weighed myself. I did not lose any weight since the current WFH arrangement restarted about 3 weeks ago. So what is the point of all this 'suffering' since I do not reap any benefit. I skip exercising for this week as well.

I felt like an addict. Instead of getting my favourite drink from KOI, I tried to find whatever available options from Grab free tea time delivery which ended up in regrets. I ordered from iTea which I never tried before. Not one but two cups at one go since I had to meet the minimum amount. As feared, once I succumbed, everything would just go downhill. Today I ordered another 2 cups and this time was from BoberTea. Although I don't know I can follow through, I promise that I will stop all these bubble teas again. After 4 cups which failed to spark joy, I should just stick to my potato chips. Either way it is a failure for me but at least potato chips will give me more 'high'. Wow.. I really speak like an addict.

My mood is currently very imbalanced again. The lack of purpose makes me feel very negative with my life. Yesterday I received $10 voucher from Kinokuniya which will expire on 15 July. I should be happy but it makes me more stressed because currently there is nothing that I intend to buy. After randomly searching, I found Legend of Final Fantasy IX which is recently published. I enjoyed this series of books for FF VI to VIII but I decided not to buy since I thought the price was expensive. After checking how the prices of the previous books which I bought, I realised that the price is about the same. So I should not feel that it is expensive at all. Sigh.. what's the point of having money if not to bring happiness?

Currently Genshin Impact is near the end of the patch so there is nothing much to do. I have more time and I attempt to revive my abandoned commitment of daily rosary plus either daily mass or chaplet of St Michael. I succeeded on Tuesday but failed yesterday. Today I managed to do all three. Yet I feel that I am overkilling it and I worry if it will just bring me spiritual boredom instead. Haiz.. The thing is despite doing this, I don't feel closer to God and perhaps I am just doing for the sake my own commitment. Aaargh.. I have to remind myself that it is better to still pray even if I don't feel like it than not praying at all.

As ungrateful as I am, God is still kind and today's homily reminds me that God wants me to do my best with what He has given me. That is a reminder to be grateful with what I have and see the best that I can do with those rather than focusing on what I do not have and what I cannot achieve because I do not have those. Of course, this is easier said (or 'typed') than done. Inside me, I still feel full of shit right now.