Sweets temptation

I am able to but it is getting harder to fend off the temptations for bubble tea. Learning from my experience with potato chips, I know once I give in even once, it is going to be difficult to refrain myself. Unfortunately, my weak defense is by finding alternatives aka excuses. I sort of overcome the daily sweet bottled drinks and now I will only buy when I feel like as compared to previously when I will plan my buying to ensure that I have at least once a day. I have give up on potato chips as I am unable to stick to one bag per week. I am pretty happy as long as not eating one bag daily now. The latest enemy is chocolate or candies. I was serious contemplating to get Yupi or Kopiko this morning but I told myself perhaps to consider in June when I need chalk up $500 monthly spending.

I have a rather emo week. On Monday, I remembered about Mass booking for June on Tuesday. When Tuesday came, I only remembered about it when I prayed Rosary in the evening. As expected, all slots were gone which means I will not go to Church for the whole June. It is ironic how I am longing for it when I cannot go but when I can go, sometimes I wish I cannot. This morning was an example as it was so difficult for me to get up and part of me was wishing that it would rain. Luckily I had no desire to shit this morning so even though I only woke up fully at 6am, I still had enough time to reach the Mass on time.

I am currently watching at Thai drama with setting at at Japanese corporation. It is quite interesting that sometimes they speak Japanese and English too. It is a norm that office-based drama always has office bitch(es) as the antagonists. At times I feel like strangling the director since why the bitch hates the main character for not much reason. Then I recall my own experience: I did not do anything much yet bitch gonna hate. Ok so it is pretty realistic hahaha.. Anyway the bitch in my team finally left so I am looking forward to hopefully better working environment.

This morning I saw a post of a facebook friend who bought a condo and moved in. Haiz.. It got me so angry and jealous. Of course I am not angry at him but at my own situation. Worse, I went to that condo viewing 5 years ago. At that time I was not to keen as the balcony took quite a significant amount of the floor area. Anyway my preference meant nothing since in the end my dad preferred to keep his money in the bank. What is the point since in the end, he could not bring it to grave while making me unhappy all these while. Being unfilial person, I can only say seriously what the fuck.

Something interesting this week was my first volunteering session in being a resume coach. I signed up to be youth career guide since I cannot remember when but with COVID etc, in the end I never joined any of the sessions. This was my first time contributing and initially I was even reluctant and wondered if I was 'worthy'. Since they were looking only for 10 people, I thought the chance of getting rejected because the slots were already filled would be greater and I just signed up. I was paired up with someone who already has a bond after graduation so she would not be using her resume in the near future. Thus I did not feel so stressed and I am happy with the experience.

It has been really a long time since I bought any toys but I am still subscribed to shop newsletters for the most recent pre-orders and arrival. I am not a fan of Nendoroid but it is interesting to see more varieties and no longer limited to only Japanese anime/manga or Disney stuff. I see Venti from Genshin Impact will be getting one and I am even more surprised to see the characters from one of the Thai series I watched last year are also getting Nendoroids. Hehe.. luckily they are Nendoroids. If they are full figures... ouch.. that will be really a huge temptation.

Separated

I woke up with tears after a very vivid dream of talking to my grandma who already passed away. I was the last one to arrive in an event because I made an extra detour on a car. I saw my dad alone while my mum and my sisters were at few sections behind him. When I alighted, an aunt was asking my mum and sisters if they saw my dad. They said they also were looking for him. As I saw him previously, I walked ahead of them and saw him still at where I saw him earlier. So I shouted to them that he was waiting near at a restaurant and just looked where boardsign with the word God or Goddess was. They did not hear me as they were busy chit chatting and I did not think I was that far for them not to hear my shout. I was so irritated that I had to walk a bit to be closer to them before shouting at them again. The anger and shouting were so vivid as I really felt my throat as if I overstrained my shouting. In reality, I am sure it was more of sleeping with aircon causing my dry throat.

As I was still angry with them for chitchatting so much and did not hear me at the first shout, I decided to walk ahead and even past my dad since they would approach him soon. Let me have a short me time to cool down myself first. That was when I saw my grandma eating alone. The shocker was when she said "Wow. I am happy you can recognise me". She was wearing her blue/purple that I remember she has. She looked in her younger days and that was why initially I was unsure to approach her. I asked her why she was eating there alone instead of being around the other family members and with whom she came with. She said she came together with my great grandma. That woke me up as I never met my great grandma in my life.

I checked the video made for my grandma's funeral and indeed I do not remember her blue/purple top wrongly. There is a photo of her in that top in the slideshow. It is so weird to have such a dream as I was not thinking anything about my family before I slept last night. Still I could not help to be sad and cry. Even in dream, I have to be lonely and away from my family. Perhaps the only consolation is that this maybe a sign that I will join my grandma soon.

Inner turmoil

Earlier this week was the first death anniversary of my father. I did not want to think too much about it and that defense mechanism failed. I still had difficulty sleeping on the night before. The lack of sleep snowballed to the rest of the week and I have been feeling lousy. It did not help that all the negativities resurfaced again. I want to accept my state of life but a part of me cannot avoid blaming my parents. My father is gone and there is no point holding to such thoughts. I do not want to think this way but the thoughts just came and overwhelmed again. Watching the Mass at home live was like pouring salt to my wound. Great! All of you enjoy the nice home and family while I am here left nothing but shit hole.

I felt worse the following day thanks to the fucking maid's cooking. Haiz.. I really want her to be deported soon. I really hate her inconsideration. Fucking smelly food, dirty kitchen, etc. This just fueled my negativity towards my current shit life even more.

It was raining during lunch time, except on Thursday. Thus I took the opportunity to do my groceries shopping as well. My trace together token ran out of battery and that lunch trip upset me even more. I was lucky that I could still scan the QR code on the token to enter Thomson Plaza and Fairprice. However, I noticed that the smaller shops only have the token scanner. I had a Mass booking for today and I did not want to get denied entry. I was upset because if I knew my token was out of battery, I would go to Junction 8 for my groceries and exchange my token. Now I had to arrange for another trip.

It was raining very heavily on Friday noon and I ate the instant noodles I bought on Thursday. It was not really filling and I had to order early dinner before 5pm. Worse, I had minor gastric discomfort either because of eating too little or because of the spiciness of the instant noodles.

I was very surprised and angry at my gym's reopening. While I do not doubt the precautions at the premises, I am not going to risk any exposure at the public transport. I am angry because my email has not been answered. I am left with my final suspension and 28 days left. I am not even sure if this is enough until the COVID situation improves. I feel that they should give an option if people would like to suspend during this period. Not to mention that the supposed extension during the closure in the past 2 weeks is not reflected in my account. With less than 3 months of my membership remaining, I shall not renew until COVID is over if this is how the gym approaches the current situation. So irresponsible.

Yesterday was the only day with bright ray of light penetrating my cloudy mood. That figure of speech is ironic because I was happy yesterday thanks to the cloudy weather. Hehe.. I went to Marymount CC to exchange my token and get my lunch. I thought the CC was not that far but it was 4 bus stops away. I walked home thanks to the lovely weather. I dropped by to Hao mart which is 2 stops away from my place to get some potato chips. Sadly, those become my regrets today. Hahaha.. I was excited to try Samyang brand of chips. It tastes nothing like the super spicy instant noodles. It is not that spicy and weirdly, it has a sweet rather than salty flavour. Bleah.. I also bought Treatz wasabi and cheese flavours because they are on sale and I have never seen these flavours at Fairprice. I did not taste much cheese so I am expecting that wasabi one to suck as well. Haiz.. it is like a slap to my face to remind me to stop all this potato chips addiction. I guess able to exercise 4x in the room is a good start for this week.

Sitcom

The weather continues to be unpleasantly hot until I thought my aircon was broken. Usually I am good with 27-28 degrees but now I need to set at 26 degree to be comfortable. It is impossible to sleep without the aircon now because it still feels uncomfortably hot even when I increase my fan speed. Because of sleeping with aircon, I always wake up with nasal congestion and I get up earlier than I wish.

I am still upset about cancelling my preorder. I have to consider myself very lucky that I decided to ask for cancellation 2 weeks ago. If I hesitated, it would be too late to even cancel as the stock arrived earlier this week. With the further tightening of COVID measures announced yesterday, it would stress me even more thinking about storage space. Haiz..

To fuel my anger further, my mum sent me documents to settle. I am very angry that she dared to make use of my 'address'. After letting me be homeless and settling my own life here, she has no right to do so. Anyway I just chucked the stuff aside since I already decided that previously the document I settled from the Embassy would be the only thing I would do. I am not going to waste my time and energy to go to Embassy again. It is her own problem that she did not give me the correct information properly. I don't care about all the stuff under my dad's name since it is not my business. That's their own problem to settle as a consequence of just throwing me aside.

Despite all these bad things, I am glad that WFH becomes default again until mid-June. Hehe.. I better make sure that this is going to be a repeat opportunity of losing weight just like last year. I have difficulties keeping myself disciplined with the junk food as well as exercise. In the past week, I only managed to exercise twice in my room. I should stop making excuses because I was chionging a sitcom this past week.

I finished a 55-episode family sitcom. I found this gem by chance. I watched some funny and nice singing Thailand TV show and then I googled to check out the celebrities. From there and few kaypoh clicks, I decided to give this a try. Usually I would be avoid anything longer than 12 episodes but this sitcom really hooks me in a good way.

I say it is a 'good' hook because it does not stress me to quickly binge watch everything. It is not like good dramas which usually makes me very excited and eager to know what is happening next that it will drive me to binge watching. I was quite happy with 5 episodes a day with this sitcom. More importantly, the sitcom format makes each episode lighter and the type of comedy really gives me healthy doses of laughter. I am laughing harder than in the funny scenes in typical dramas.

Other than good laughs, one scene is particularly memorable to me. It is the monk's advice to the parents: when they were having a child, they would be happy whether the baby would be a boy or a girl. So why when the child is growing up then the parents would be so worried about the future of the child. I know it is natural for parents to be concerned and to wish for the best for their children. But at the same time, it is the sad truth that many family problems arise from parents who try to control their children.

Anyway I don't really think about it for my own fucked up family. However, it made me think about my spiritual life. Everything is much simpler and happier when I just pray to have a relationship with God, to count and appreciate the blessings in my life and simply to trust my life in him. Things get complicated when I start to demanding God for this and that. And when I do not get those things, that's when my spiritual life nosedives too. Haiz.. emo again liao...

Succumbed

I watched online daily Mass before I went to bed last night as I prayed for strength to decide on what I am supposed to do about my toys vs space woes. Upon waking up this morning, I decided to do the unthinkable: to cancel my Prime 1 Ikki pre-order. I am lucky that I can still cancel without sacrificing my deposit although I am still waiting for the refund. With that, I do not need to worry about space and about ordering Shiryu.

However, deep inside, I am still very sad about this. I have never cancelled any of my pre-orders before. This time is worse as it is not because I changed my mind about the item. I still want it :( It is just that I really have no space and it does not make sense to spend that much money only to store the statue in the box and the box in the storage locker.

It is ironic how during Landings on Monday I shared that somehow I felt spiritually better for no reason after Easter. Now I am relapsing to all my negative thoughts about wanting to die and pointless to live this homeless life. Everything just because of toys. Haiz.. Yet it is a reminder of my actual state of life and how I am really scarred mentally about it. Anything I try to avoid not thinking such is such a denial.

From tomorrow, Singapore is reverting back to Phase 2. I am happy to be able to work from home until the end of the month. That confirms that I will no longer need to see the leaving bitch at all. Hehehe.. Sadly, gyms become 'collateral' damage as they have to close. Funny because gyms were allowed to open during Phase 2 last year. All my arm strength for pull up and dumbbells will reset again. What I dread the most is having to exercise in my room again -_- Of course I can choose not to exercise since this time it is just going to be 3 weeks. But how to lose weight if I do not exercise.

In preparation of Phase 2, I decided to treat myself with buy 1 get 1 free bubble tea. This is from the stall that originally had this promotion when it just opened. After that, on random occasions I saw the 'buy 1 get 1 free' notice being put up again. I saw that on Wednesday and that was why I was thinking of getting today. Too bad, the promotion was not on today. Okay it seems that I am still able to continue my bubble tea abstinence. Hehe..

Things are different with junk food. I tried the new McD Chicken Cheese Burger and Pizza Shaker Fries on Monday. I also finally succumbed to the $7.60 for 2 bags of Ruffles. I was kiasi because I saw the shelves were relatively emptier than usual on Wednesday. I thought people were hoarding again in preparation of Phase 2. Rather than missing out, I decided to just get 2 bags even if they were the same flavour. Anyway the free Subway is as good as covering the $7.60 spent. Lol. Suprisingly I did not feel any regret after finishing those 2 bags. Until last month, I always felt regret after all the potato chips impulse buys. It was a good decision to buy since now I no longer feel any temptation for potato chips and I am quite confident that I can tahan until the next time Kettle is on sale. Hahaha...

Impulse and remorse

I spent over $500 in just a few clicks last night. After holding out for few months, the time has come for me to purchase Slam Dunk and Haikyu!! artbooks. I waited until past midnight just so that my Kinokuniya membership starts today, rather than yesterday. The two books and the membership cost around $200. Then I remembered seeing a limited edition FFXV Official Works so I decided to check it out at Amazon. I bought 3 FF XV books and the Art of the Movie for Avengers' Endgame for a total of USD 230.

As I was trying to sleep, I was overwhelmed with regret about the Amazon purchase. I do not really play FF XV so I do not really care about it. If I am just interested to read, then why should I buy the limited edition. The regular edition goes for USD 40 while the limited edition is USD 200 (although it goes for USD 135 with the ongoing offer at Amazon). Basically it is extra USD 100 just for additional nice packaging, a notebook and an acrylic display. I switched on my laptop again and decided to cancel the whole Amazon order. When cancelling, I realised that I actually purchased both the regular and the limited edition of the FF XV Official Works.  I did not realise that initially as the covers are different. I was too impulsive that I did not even notice the names of the items which are identical except for the word Limited Edition. Fiuh.. thank goodness Amazon only charges upon shipping and still allows cancellation before the shipping process starts.

While this is settled, I am still emotionally struggling with toys issue. Yesterday I saw that Prime 1 is also having 1/4 statue of Dragon Shiryu. Haiz.. I bought Ikki last year and I am secretly hoping that it is cancelled because of COVID or something. I think it will still come out on time. I have no issue with spending the money but space issue is driving me crazy. Just the thought of having the item arrive, renting additional storage locker, transporting the item from my room to the locker is really sickening. After all what is the point of buying expensive statues and only to hide them away? Now I am even considering to even cancel my Ikki preorder although that means I have to forgo my $580 deposit. Haiz.. This leads me back to the agony and reality that my dream of owning my own home to display all my collections is just a dream. And there I go to the thoughts of it is better to die than to continue living this homeless life. FML.

Lifestyle improvement

It is May now which means one-third of the year has passed just like *that*. And 2021 does not seem going to be better than 2020. Thanks to $1 delivery fee promotion from Deliveroo, my food spending for April was 1.5x of my usual amount. That is the trigger for me to 'fix' my food lifestyle starting from this month.

I already used my potato chips allowance for the first week of May yesterday. I spent it for Thins brand which was on 50% off at $2.05. I never tried the cheese and onion flavour before but now I know that I will not be tempted for Thins brand anymore. To be more strict with myself, on top of the 1 potato chips per week, I will limit it only to the Kettle brand and if it is on sale. The current promotion of $7.60 for 2 bags of Ruffles which also comes with Subway coupon is sooo tempting. Back in my students days, I would not hesitate to buy such promotions. Sigh... but now.. So ironic that I have the money but cannot afford the fats.

Usually weekend is an excuse for me to just order food delivery. I did not do so yesterday since I had to get banana from supermarket. That made me decided to try the Grab self-collect option which has the 30% off. Comparing to order it as delivery, I saved $5 in total in exchange of 30 minutes of my time under the sun to walk to the restaurant. Is it worth it? I don't think so. It may be worth it if I consider the walking as physical excercise. Hahaha... However, I don't mind doing this again if the weather permits since usually I always shower before sleeping after going back from gym. So add another round of sweating is not a big deal. Let's see if this is just a fleeting thought or I can continue.

I felt very blessed this morning although I was late for 2 minutes for Mass. I set up 2 alarm timings and each will snooze 3x before they will stop altogether. When I woke up, I was telling myself to wait for one snooze before waking up as usual. Although that thought came, somehow I decided to just wake up and the alarm that woke up turned to be the second last snooze. If I did not wake up at that moment, I would definitely be very late and skipped the Mass today! Wew... I even skipped putting on the extension to my bermuda shorts to make it into long pants. If I insisted on doing that, I would be at least 5 minutes late. Thank goodness I managed to arrive just before the penitential rite so I really just missed a little bit. I noticed more and more empty seats which means more people were booking but did not attend. Haiz.. so selfish. They should just not book and allow other people who can attend to attend.