Bye bye CB

I just had another nasty and disappointing volunteering session yesterday (since now is past midnight when I am typing this). I set out with a positive mindset to be helpful and bring joy but sadly circumstances turned me into a devil again. Last week I was already quite pissed with having 30 patients and yesterday, they had 43. I am not upset or angry because I had to work harder or spend longer hours. I am upset and angry because it was just impossible. If they are going to increase the load, then jolly well get another person to help with the dispensing. We ended past 1030pm just now and if I were to keep my cool and standard (i.e. no rushing, no scolding), perhaps we would only end at midnight.

If last week, I was scolding 25% of the time, today I leveled up to even blackfacing and throwing tantrum. It pissed me off when people started to get impatient and crowding at the door. That was not gonna make me able to do more quickly. While they had the guts to be that impatient, when their turns came, they still wasted time by not knowing their queue numbers, their IC numbers, and so on. There were still people who shamelessly asked for freebies. What the fucking hell man!

I am not making excuses that these external factors drove me nuts. However, the ultimate thing that really upset me is myself: I lost my cool, I was rude, I was not able to be as professional as I wanted to do. Basically I did not do what I intended to do and did the opposite. Today would be my last day volunteering until I do not know when. This is not the first time I am feeling so angry. I am not being calculative and I am alright with longer hours. What I hate is when people cannot plan properly and end up 'abusing' the volunteers by admitting more than the capacity of the volunteers on that particular day. This has been a perennial issue and that is why they find it difficult to retain volunteers. It sucks to reduce the standard of our practice just so that we can make sure everyone (yes including the patients) not waiting for too long and not going home too late.

I took a photo in full PPE and I said my goodbye that yesterday was my last day of volunteering. That is the truth and I am not sulking because indeed yesterday was the last session assigned to me. If they are going to approach me for June, I will definitely refuse at least for the first 2 weeks. It is not the physical tiredness. It is more of the mental burden and the guilt. It sucks wanting to do good but ending up hurting others and committing sins.

Let's end this rant with a moral question:

Is it better to help but end up hurting others and yourself or not help/do nothing so that noone gets hurt?