Usually bad things drive me to write more easily than when happy things happen. This time around, there are too many things going on my mind that I find it difficult to even start or think how and what I am going to write. My dad passed away on Tuesday 19 May at 1123 WIB. Accepting and being prepared for this for quite some time lessen the hurt but it is still sad. I had difficulty sleeping on Tuesday and Wednesday that I had to take chlorpheniramine to help. I waited until 2am and still I did not feel sleepy when lying on the bed. Although I avoided thinking, the mind just did not shut off. The drug worked within half an hour on Tuesday but on Wednesday, perhaps I only fell asleep past 3am. Thankfully I was able to sleep without the drug yesterday, maybe because physically I was too tired because of the lack of sleep.
I have decided that I would only fly home when he passes away and until last week, I did not even bother to check if going home would be possible. I told myself that deciding to go home meant I already abandoned hope for his recovery. However, as his kidneys still did not work, I decided to check with my office for possible travel arrangement on Friday in case something happened over the weekend. I received the clearance to fly back and continue working from Jakarta until all these coronavirus restrictions are lifted since I do not want to get quarantined in mass facility as I worry of ending up catching the infection there. Hope dimmed further on Monday as that was already the fifth day of almost no urine output and I only checked the immigration requirements that dashed all my hope of going home. Without a negative PCR test, I would be swabbed and quarantined in Jakarta until the swab result is out. There is no way I can get a swab test here as it is only for suspect cases and if I want to avoid quarantine upon returning here, definitely I will not want to get quarantined in Jakarta.
I am very blessed and thankful for my cousins who helped to live stream the masses and the cremation for my dad. Although I was not there, at least I was able to 'join' virtually. My dad's siblings also could not attend as all the travel restrictions made them stuck at my dad's hometown. He was cremated at the same place where my aunt was cremated previously. As I was present for my aunt, at least it gave an idea of the whole process too.
Distance eases the pain but creates the pain. Not being there made me think that I really do not belong to the family and that is not something easy to face. My mum called me and I could say my last words to my dad when he was in critical condition. However after that, it was silence for the next hour. I did not know if he was still surviving or he already passed. I was not involved or even updated with the funeral stuff at all. Noone even asked me if I would like to pay respect via web camera. Noone asked me for the photos and the video ended up re-using most pictures for my grandparents' funerals. The most painful part was seeing my cousins helping with the processions to carry my dad's photo, the cross, and all that.
I do not bear any grudges since I understand that they definitely had a lot of things to settle and just did not have the time for me. Looking at this, I can see God's presence in my life. He had given me more than 17 years of preparation: to live alone and distant as if not having a family (how many family events have I missed? how many times family bothered about me when I am away?). It is not my first time having these thoughts so instead of destroying me, I can recognise that these are useless thoughts that do not change anything so I should not stop thinking these. Instead, I did what I could: praying and hoping that my prayers would somehow help in his final journey to heaven. I am prepared for parting not only since my dad had the cancer. It was right since 2002. Each time I left home, the goodbye could always be the last one if the airplane did not arrive safely. It was as if preparing me mentally that I only have numbered days with my family and to be ready for goodbyes anytime.
Some crosses are meant to be personal and noone can help me with these personal crosses. I believe this is one of my personal crosses as I doubt majority can endure all these circumstances that I experienced (not able to pay last respect, only spoke to my dad once after his last surgery, being left out from the funeral stuffs). Just like the past 17 years, I can only rely on God and prayers to sustain me in these dark moments. In contrast, I did not have to witness my dad's sufferings and I do not have to deal with the pain of dealing with his personal effects at home. It makes me cry when I think of items that remind me of him. It can be as useless as the washing machine box that he refused to throw. My mum and my sisters will be even more sad to see the physical things and dealing with these. These would be their personal cross that even I am not able to help.
Previously, one thing that always worries me is what rites my parents will have when they pass away. I am very relieved and thankful that my dad was able to accept baptism into Catholic faith and hence he could receive a Catholic funeral. He passed away slightly more than a week after the baptism. Since baptism cleanses away sins and after his baptism, he was mostly bed-bound and not able to communicate, I believe that when he died, he did not have that many sins. Hopefully that means he would not spend too long in the purgatory. That is one assuring thought.
I always remember my dad who says good people will not trouble others even when they die. So usually they die on Thursday or Friday so that it is easy for others to pay respect and all the funeral etc can be completed by Sunday. This makes me scared every time weekend comes. If this theory is true then my dad is indeed a good person. He passed away on Tuesday and after 3 day wake, his cremation day also coincided with the Ascension so we prayed that he would also go to heaven on the same day. In fact, this coming Sunday is actually Hari Raya so if his Thursday/Friday theory is followed, it will be more troublesome to arrange things on public holiday.
As promised, I will not cry or regret anything over his passing so that he has nothing to 'tie' him down to this world and he can quickly pass to eternal life. Now I am struggling with the idea that perhaps I should stop praying. Despite already accepting and preparing for the worse, the thought of God not granting a miracle means my prayers are unanswered. Having overcome this thought, now praying reminds me of my dad and makes me cry even when I promise not to. I know this, too, shall pass but for now is something that confronts me everyday.
My only 'regret' is never able to bring him to Disneyland to see Mickey. It is not exactly a regret since I asked him twice to join me and my sister to Japan but he refused so we just have to respect his decision. Few things I had in mind this year never came into fruition too. I was thinking to have another photo studio this April since the last one we had was almost 10 years ago. After exploring that his KrisFlyer miles could not be transferred, we already strategised to have it topped up to 25000 and he could use it to fly to Bangkok again. I was even thinking of instead of using my miles for a First Class for myself, I could use it for Business Class tickets to Europe for my dad and my mum. Now Bangkok will always remind me him. That is the first place he brought me overseas in 2008 and is our last year's trip there is our final overseas trip together. Thank God for my friend's wedding earlier this year which turned out to be my last chance seeing my father. Otherwise, last year's Bangkok trip would be the last one.
Farewell, Papi. Although my prayers for God to allow you to experience the Eucharist, Christmas, and Easter are not answered, I think God has given you the better option to be able to experience life with him directly in heaven rather than on this Earth.
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