Joyless

How ironic that I enjoyed Easter last year in the midst of all the lockdown compared to this year when things are opening up again. The repeated failures to keep up with my Easter abstinence made me feel that I do not deserve God's love and sacrifice since I did not sacrifice anything in return. The bad mood continues until today which is even more ironic since tomorrow is my birthday. I no longer see birthday as a happy occasion. I don't know if it simply means that I am getting older or I am just losing more and more desire to live. Now I see it as one year closer to the end of life.

Usually I will use birthday as an excuse to indulge myself. This year will be the opposite. I have gained 7kg since phase 2 began. I really need to stop the potato chips since they are the biggest culprit. I regularly go to gym, I am quite consistent with my banana for dinner, I have been skipping bubble tea since the start of the year and I successfully avoid snacking and fast food throughout Lent. The only thing I fail is with the potato chips which makes it very obvious that everything is wasted if I cannot be disciplined with avoiding them.

I am happy that I am still keeping a clean sheet for bubble tea. Although there is temptation to 'treat' myself at least for my birthday, I am still able to resist. I broke my fast food avoidance for KFC durian balls. They are good but the shell is too thick and the taste of shell overpowers the durian filling. I don't think they are bad but they are not nice enough to make me want to order again. My birthday indulgence was only instant noodle as my dinner earlier. I wanted to get the spicy tomyum Thai instant noodle but it was not available anymore. I ended up buying Samyang but I bought the wrong one T_T I don't really like spicy so the Samyang that I like is only the cheese. It has been too long since I had instant noodle so I was so excited with the 'cheese' that I forgot that there are 2 types: the yellow packaging and the beige packaging.  The one that I like is the beige packaging which was not available. Sigh.. I cannot even get happiness from simple things in life such as food. The only happy thing I can look forward to is that I am taking leave for the next 2 days, just to slack.