Worse than prodigal son

This week I am slowly falling over to the dark side. I thought I have gotten over all the angst in my life but once you are hurt, the scar is always there and can hurt again anytime. The climax was this morning. After watching the 40th day commemoration of my dad's passing, it hurt so much to see that I had (yes, past tense) a comfortable home and family to return to but instead of enjoying those, I had to live homeless and lonely life for more than half of my life. Unlike the prodigal son who left the Father on his own wish, got his inheritance, and had the choice to repent to return to the Father, I am the complete opposite. I was asked to leave, I have to fend for myself and I have no option to return. My dad is gone. With my degree unrecognised, no driving skills and no connection, nothing can replace the lost time and opportunity even if I want to return.

I always tell myself that the only thing justifying my whole ordeal is my baptism. Perhaps this is also a self lie I am telling myself as a coping mechanism. Though considering passive suicidal thoughts are my friends, it is also true to say if not for God, perhaps I would already take the action.

My healthy goal to sleep before midnight failed for the whole week as I was caught with a good series. I even slept at almost 2am for the past 2 days to wrap up the series. It is a nice show but it partly fueled my current negativity with the visuals of nice home and good friends -things I left behind for I don't know what in exchange. However, there is one sentence that strikes me from the show "Are you angry or do you just want to punish him?" when the two main characters are angry at one another.

Neither is a good answer because it does not change anything to what already happened in the past. If I am being a good child of God, I know I should just let it go and let all have a good time moving forward. Unfortunately, I am currently just being too dark. Since my life is already like shit, all of you are going down with me. Indeed, seriously at this point only God can help me to draw me back to the light and to harden not my hearts.