Still fucked up >.<

Sigh I don't know what to say.. I still feel like a shit.. Nothing to support me.. I do not give a damn thing about people giving fake sympathy and pity. Who cares about people anyway.. I hate myself is a good reason enough for me not willing to leave anymore.. I prayed for good things to happen and they did not happen. Now everytime before bed I always pray that I will rest in peace and never to wake up again: it also does not happen. Sigh.. God knows what is happening and I keep getting apt messages like "Forgive yourself" and "Ask for grace in midst of difficulty" etc etc. Sigh.. Whatever.. I simply has lost all my willingness to live on.. Such a useless and futile existence.. I am just wondering what is the purpose of my creation.. Perhaps if I were given a vision to know what I am here for I know how to approach my life after this.

It was actually a good week for my games.. What an irony.. I managed to complete my Final Fantasy Dissidia. Wew.. after almost 2 hours of trying, I finally beaten Inward Chaos.. And it was luck!! Haha.. The last hit barely killed him ^o^ I am also glad that I managed to level up my crafting smoothly in Cabal. Wew.. I was expecting hours of irritating repetitive process but I succeeded in 1 try. Haha..

The more I remember about the fucking CA, the shittier I feel. Haiz.. I am just one step closer to kill myself.. No more tears to shed.. I came short of self-mutilation.. I just wondered whether it is wise to go bang my head to the sink.. Hitting my head or hitting furnitures with the limb simply did not produce sufficient counter-irritant effects.. Sigh.. I am still looking for the least painful and most successful way to die.. insecticide (FUCK!! but it is completely appropriate to die twice due to organophosphate) or knifing (wrist or neck?) or perhaps for more drama: free falling from AYE bridge..

I hate myself.. fuck me fuck me fuck me.. I lose the main drive which keeps me alive: my ego and the love of myself.. I just don't wanna live anymore.. Someone please stab me in the heart.. or a truck please knock me over and crush my head under your wheels..

I am not a Naruto fan but this song is very good: soothing and peaceful.. Will be great if this song rings in my ear as I leave the pathetic existence on this planet to the life everlasting on the heavens above...

Failed again..

Haiz.. FUCK! Failed again.. The paper was easy.. The more I think about my mistake the more stupid I feel. Haiz nobody else to blame.. My own stupidity.. Fuck.. Wait.. Got people to blame!! Why the fuck am I being born! Why the fuck am I being created stupid!! and why the fuck other people are smart!! Haiz.. fuck you and me and everyone la...

I HATE BEING A FUCKING STUPID ASSHOLE!!!

Nya! Nya!!

Ok this is just a lame entry. Haha.. After the bear song I posted last week, my latest favourite song is a cat song. Haha.. I think the song is very cute.. or more appropriately, the kitty's sound is uber cute haha..

It started from this..

A friend of mine said that the tune is very familiar. So I typed the song title to youtube. And I came across to this very funny video.

I am not a fan of Kattun. Haha.. Anyway I think the most hilarious one is the sensei. She can do/say lame things with straight face. Lol.. While the guys they keep laughing. There are 3 other videos from this series but I think this is the funniest.

So eventually I found out that the song originally is a 'classical' song haha.. though the original composer is unknown. The original song is titled "Flozwalzer".

A pretty good piano rendition :)

Colorgenics

Name: (secret :p)
Date: 11/2/2009
Colorgenics Number: 12704365

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You are the sort of person that needs a peaceful environment. You seek release from stress and freedom from conflicts and disagreements, of which you seem to have had more than your fair share. But you are taking pains to control the situation by proceeding cautiously and you are right in doing so as you are a very sensitive person.

You are totally dissatisfied with your present situation. Matters are not going right for you and you are seeking a means of escape. Your mental state of mind necessitates that you need to change your thinking patterns. Remember, if one particular modus operandi doesn't seem to work, then try something different.

You are trying to break away from the mundane existence that you have been experiencing of late. You have many high hopes and ideals but you are concerned whether circumstances will allow you to realise these ambitions. You want to spread your wings - to broaden your fields of activities - but you are concerned that your dreams are just that - 'dreams' which are not realistic. It concerns you that you are not thinking clearly at this time - what you need is to get away from it all, to give you time to think. A short vacation could well restore your confidence.

For whatever the reason, you find it extremely difficult to sustain relationships - that is to sustain them in the manner that you would wish. You are a very gentle sort of person, full of feeling, sensitivity and susceptible to love and affection, looking and longing for a partner with whom you can enjoy 'All things bright and beautiful' - someone with whom you can seek out the more esoteric things of life. But up to now this person has only existed in your imagination. You are very choosy, appreciative, refined and extremely artistic in temperament and it is your hope to seek others who will allow you to form and express your own taste and judgement and who at the same time may assist you in your intellectual or artistic growth.

You are inclined to be too trusting and you feel that you need to be on your guard against the possibility that your endeavours and actions may be misunderstood. Too often you have been taken advantage of and you have been mentally abused. Now you are seeking a relationship which can provide peace of mind, where you can be yourself and not have the need to put on a false front.

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Wanted to blog but I bumped into this quiz (posted by few friends in facebook). They all say it is pretty accurate so I tried it out. It is indeed quite accurate, especially those I put in bold. And the paragraphs 2 and 3 are exactly what I am feeling right now. Hence, this thing is enough for today, no need for me to blog :)

Interested? Try it in http://goldinuniverse.com/

When the going gets tough, I just wanna go away from the going..
Sigh.. I have never felt this lousy before. Previously, I always joked around when I said that I wanna die and things like that. But now, it is for real that I rather just die. Everyone will die eventually so why can't I just die now? It will be much better for me.. My life is meaningless. I hate my life and do not want it anymore. And the longer I live, the more sins I will commit. And the higher the likelihood that I will end up in hell on top of the living hell I am at right now. I really want to die early and go purgatory now..

I just wasted the last 2 days in trying to study antibiotics. The effort is futile.. I was only 'reading'. I tried to memorise but nothing stayed there. So it is as good as square zero again now. I don't think I will be able to finish it. Haiz.. 4 papers in 2 weeks already wanna die. How about 4 papers in 6 days for finals? Haiz.. good thing or bad thing, I now regret that I believe in God :( If I kill myself, I will straightaway go to hell for not appreciating the gift of life.. But sadly, what I am doing now is not far different from committing suicide. I regret that I am born in the first place.. why am I created on this place of sufferings in the first place.. why am I placed in the shit I am in now and why do I have to go through all this shit.. What a cursed life and it is not taken away from me even when I am praying everyday about it..

I had a lousy day yesterday. I spilled my bubble tea onto myself. It is like taking a chocolate shower. Had to waste time washing my shirt and shorts. Good thing I was that there was no staining. Good and bad thing that I wore something which poorly absorbed liquid. Good: I did not need a shower because the chocolate never seeped through the first layer of clothing. Bad: when I stood up.. tada.. everything dripped onto the floor. So that was an extra job to mop all the floor. Grr.. I will never drink that stupid bubble tea anymore!!

In the midst of my busy schedule, I decided to go to a birthday celebration yesterday. I guess I need some vibrancy to improve my social life. This semester is killing me that I hardly have the time with friends. Oh well, talking about birthday celebration, I do not feel like going next saturday. Girls are stupid. Haiz.. School is already so busy, why the hell choose to celebrate in the busy period! Plus the choice of place is so great: pasir ris. Wtf! Sigh..

That's all for my emo rant!!

The story continues..

Another 28th of October is here.. That marks the end of my seventh year in Singapore. As I grow older, I realise that my future is going bleaker and bleaker. Firstly, let me continue from where I ended of last year. It was another year full of new things and experiences for me. The highlight would be my YEP trip to Cambodia. It has been my wish for few years to try on overseas community service and I finally experienced it. It was a bitter sweet experience (although I do not know which one outweighs which one lol) but the memories and the photos are surely worth remembering.

Life is going downhill after that. School is getting tougher especially since there are more clinical stuff which frankly I do not like. Endless memorising and muggings and surely it was not surprising that I did pretty badly for the CAs etc.. Surprisingly (ironically is more appropriate here), I almost nailed it for dean's list.. only to be disappointed by a module which I thought could help me.

There was preceptorship: a glimpse to the sad life I will be embarking in 2 years time. Something I wish I can run away from.. but something I want to also to justify my sufferings.. If in the end I will do something unrelated to my studies, why am I torturing myself for the past 2 years and the 2 years to come?

And here I am now in a deep deepression.. Failed a test (yeah it meant great deal to me! and for that I am expecting my very first C grade) with more to come.. Having not enough time for social bonding.. and end up socialising with people in the various committee I am serving. People whom I hate for their pathetic work ethics etc.. All in the name of cca points..

So after another year of chance, I realise that I still greatly regret my cursed life.. Why am I here doing what I am doing now? I hate my life.. I hate my future.. I hate my existence.. I hate myself..

Doom

I just failed my med chem test.. Sigh.. It is just disappointing.. and devastating.. I expected to do badly.. but it never occured to me that I would fail.. I really do not know where I went wrong.. I thought it was pretty managable haiz.. If only I could see where I went wrong.. Aargh.. Now I really do not know how my other tests will be. Haiz.. even when I feel confident, the results turned out to be bad also.. I can no longer trust my feelings regarding all the stupid tests.. So I shall not comment about how the patho CA went today. I will only say that I am glad the test was not testing on stupid regurgitation, meaning, there were no questions with regards to drug names (be it this drug is used for what or what that drug can cause or this side effect is because of wat drug and etc). If only pharmaco can be like this too.. It will be so much easier to study.

Anyway.. I am in the emo mood to quickly leave my existence on this planet.. I really have no aim in this life.. What am I studying for? What do I want to do in the future? What is the use of schooling and working next time? Jeez... So great the desire to die that I have, but when the death came near, I was totally freak out. A few days ago, my heart skipped a beat.. Haiz.. I could feel like there was a turbulence in my heart chambers with the "glug" sound.. After that I felt something was pressing my chest.. Sigh.. Death is scary after all.. Can I choose a painless way of dying?? T_T That was one day before I knew the stupid CA results.. I suddenly thought that dying was a scary thing.. But after my failure, I felt more prepared to die :) Hehe.. now anytime anywhere I guess I am ready to leave.. Oh God.. please forgive me for not appreciating the gift of life that you have bestowed upon me :'(

In the midst of emo thought, I received an email regarding the Third Secret of Fatima. It is not a new thing for me because I read that like few years ago (in fact I still keep those messages in my inbox) . But this time, after reading it again, I suddenly realise that the time is indeed very near.

"God will allow all natural phenomena like smoke, hail, cold, water, fire, floods, earthquakes, winds and inclement weather to slowly batter the planet.
These happenings will come to pass before the year 2010..!!!!"

That quote seems so true in the light of recent typhoons and earthquakes.. Oh well, quite scary indeed. But then, I will never know when all the messages will definitely come true.. The subsequent events being mentioned may perhaps happen looong after I die.. But what if they are to happen within my lifetime?? Haiz.. I guess there is so much I need to do to prepare for death indeed.. Scaaary!!!

I shall talk about happier things now: GAME!! Wakaka.. I am so happy that I find a working Pet Society cheat!! Lol.. gone are the days when I have spend hours to hug hug other pets. Hihi.. so happy.. If only in this real life I can cheat to suddenly have a lot of money. Lol!! My Cabal is also starting to earn money :) Hihi so happy.. Last week was indeed a good week for my games.. I hope the luck continues forever.. and even better.. it extends to other aspects of my life :D Wahaha..

Aiyer.. suddenly after I copy paste that blue line, the font setting is changed.. and I do not know how to change back.. Now this post looks ugly haha...

Sick of people..

I guess I am too tired that I am losing my composure.. and I cannot keep myself from ranting about the people I am working with, people in my CCAs.. I shall try to make things as secretive as possible..

Jeez first thing will be my ranting about my project. I am only a subcomm member. Haiz.. I was being too good and too helpful.. Unfortunately, the subcomm head is just a slacking bitch.. Not much difference from the vice. Lol.. So yah.. they did nothing, and after receiving input of information, they still did not want to do anything. Omg I was damn pissed with the smses asking me to do this and that.. Worse, from the smses I could obviously tell that she did not do anything on her part, otherwise she would not ask me to do things which were obviously dumb, wrong, or not possible to do. Sigh.. So yah.. these people, can only talk talk talk.. dream big big.. but when it comes to actual work: neh neh!! So now I am just giving back the slack shit to them! Wakaka.. well I am subcomm member only.. I tried to help but you did not listen to me so good luck.

Here comes another CCA.. Haiz.. my fellow committee members are also becoming more and more pain in the asses.. Seriously, I am tired of nagging this and that.. I guess I shall give them the slack shit also and when the whole thing gets messed up (like complaints whatsoever), then they would learn!! Sigh.. I am sick of the inability to commit.. I am sick of the cowardice to say no and to defend what we have done right.. etc etc.. Bleah..

Bottom line: foreigners suck!! Haiz.. I guess it is time for me to change my citizenship la.. Lol.. oh well.. perhaps I am too picky/naggy/trying too hard etc.. I do not know.. I just want to avoid problems from the start instead of tidying up mess when it surfaces.. I just wanna give good examples.. leave a good legacy.. Otherwise how to change people if even the leaders are not giving good examples.. Well, the saying which goes change yourself before you change the people around you apparently is just a bullshit. Lol. I have changed myself.. but still the people around me do not change.. Oh well.. what to do.. I guess I am just tired of pathology -_-

The first out of the so many CAs was just over today. Yay!! It was not as bad as the first CA. I was so stressed mugging for the past few days but hey I was surprised that I actually had time to do a 2nd round. Perhaps that is the reason that I could remember more things and found the test more doable than the first one (I only did 1 round for that). Still, it is not a bright outlook for me. Even with only 8 chapters being tested, I completely forgotten a few drugs during the test. I could not even remember from which sets of notes. Sigh.. wat to do? With so many -zepines, -zepams, -dines, even fentanyl and felbamate sounds very similar to me o_0

Upcoming hell: Pathology!! In terms of number of chapters, it is more or less the same as pharmaco.. BUT.. each chapter of patho has about double the number of slides of pharmaco notes.. and even worse, I will busy for 4 days with my CCAs this week. That means I have double the amount to mug in half of the time as compared to pharmaco.. Die die die die die...

Just went to see my dentist.. Haiz.. every visit he will tell me that my braces will be off in 1-2 visits time.. Haiz.. but really dunno when it will end sigh sigh..

Anyway, there are some Japanese songs with familiar tune.. I really wonder whether these songs are originally Japanese..

The next song I am 100% sure is not Japanese in origin.. But I really cannot recall what was the first song of this tune that I heard. Haha..

Get this widget | Track details | eSnips Social DNA

Wah.. this is my very FIRST experience uploading a file online. Lol..

That's all for today (or perhaps for the week LOL...)

Wew.. here I am.. ponning lessons.. just to type blog.. Ooops.. Haha.. Oh well, I am getting pretty stressed lately.. I do not take a good care of my body too. I felt like fainting before lunch. It was because of exhaustion, stress (pharmaco shit!), and not drinking enough water or eating nutritious food. It was kind of jialat especially when there was a traffic jam on the bus.. And to prevent myself from fainting I kept on recalling the carbamazepine, phenytoin, valproate, lamotrigine (??), lacosamide (??), ethosuximide (??), gabapentin, pregabalin, etc etc.. Jeez.. maybe that just worsened my headache..

I am super stressed for pharmaco test right now. There is just so much to remember.. Haiz.. I do not think even if I started the revision early that I could remember them now too. Haiz in stressful times like this, I will immediately think how I will be screwed in the near future: preceptorship and preregistration.. Haiz.. not only I am too stupid to do memory work and my interest does not lie in clinical! Seriously.. so why the fuck am I forced to do that? Perhaps after I kill someone then the department will realise whether it is good to force students to do something they do not like.. and something they are not capable of doing..

Anyway I am really in a bad mood.. Yesterday I just did a good deed.. unfortunately, I felt bad about it.. I kept telling myself "Why must that person come to me?" haiz.. Helping someone in distress should be privilege and usually I am happy to help someone.. But yesterday.. Haiz.. Really don't know what happened to me.

Yesterday I went to see my uncle and aunt. My uncle just had a leg operation. I am glad that he looks okay already. I mean the face tells everything. Haha.. To be honest, I am impressed with his strong will. He has polio in his right leg.. and now his left one was operated. But only after 4 days after the surgery, he succeeded in walking again. OMG! Even the doctor was surprised. Normal people would normally put their body weight to the healthy leg. But my uncle's unoperated leg has polio.. I think he is used to pain and hardships.. that is why even in the toughest time he can press on.. My aunt also told me how he drived.. Just hearing it, I nearly died.. He uses his right leg for the gas while the clutch and brake are handled using his left. Can you imagine how on earth he steps on both clutch and brake together?

Well that is a lesson of life.. Perhaps I am too lazy.. perhaps I have not done my best.. perhaps I am just a quitter.. loser.. or worse: a loser who does not even have a dream to be winner someday.. a loser who is just happy being a loser..

eLearning week

eLearning has finally ended.. It is a curse masked as a blessing. Haha.. Well I guess everyone was so excited when it started but we all moan when it is ending.. Not because there is no more holiday next week but because there is so much to do. Haha.. I guess I am lucky that I only have 2 webcast lectures to watch. Hoho.. One teacher is too shy and she typed her speech in the powerpoint. So I just need to print and hola.. no need to watch. Haha.. Another teacher is just too lazy and faked a tutorial-cum-lecture session. Haha.. For pharmaco, I don't even know there is webcast or not. Omg I am so dead haha..

Another holiday really makes me a complete anti-social: whole day locking myself in the room playing computer and games. Haha.. Now when it is over, I will be anti-social again because I need to watch the lectures. I am so pissed with the lousy on-campus internet system. I guess "lousy" is not appropriate enough, it is "shitty". I cannot fast forward the webcast and I was wasting my time last night. Surprisingly the teacher spoke more slowly than in normal lectures so I could watch her in 1.2 or 1.4 speed. But when I changed the speed, the screen would just say buffering and then nothing happened. What the fish la.. Out of the 1 hour 45 minutes lecture, I only watched 1 hour.. I could not take it already. Out of the 1 hour, I think almost 30 mins or more was grandmother's story about the history of artemisinin aka qinghaosu.. o_0

Oh.. I am having a mental block!! I thought I could write a longer post today!! Haha.. Oh well.. suddenly got nothing..

Conclusion: eLearning week is good.. Once every semester is just nice.. But more than that, I would die due to my own laziness..

Mid-Autumn Festival

OMG.. I am so lifeless that I just now that Mid-Autumn festival was this weekend.. after all the celebration were over -_- haiz.. Yesterday I was talking to one senior her experience in sampling the various mooncake stalls at Taka B2 square. There was even champagne flavour!! OMG.. Not that I like champagne but I always love to try strange combinations of food. Ah ya, I thought I should visit during the eLearning week but too bad.. today was the last day.. Sian..

I am having cravings for durian.. So because it is the mooncake season, I am wishing for durian mooncake, which I think does not exist.. Actually it does T_T and when I told this to several friends, many of them just had it yesterday huhuhu... I gotta wait one year for my durian mooncake..

Anyway I have not been studying. Lol.. Gaming can even be more stressful than mugging leh! On friday I was so furious that it took me 45 mins to beat an enemy in the game.. I was emoing all the way by playing the game until 530am. Lol.. I read a game guide for the final boss and it seems almost impossible to beat the game. Thank God it was not that hard. Perhaps it is because my character is max level also. Yeah.. so not so emo anymore haha..

The ending is a bit short T_T and never really wraps the whole game.. A bit disappointing.. It took me 40 hours (to just complete) or 100 hours (to 100% complete) to finish Final Fantasy 8 and the reward of 5mins+ of beautiful CG ending.. This Dissidia.. haiz.. I think I played for at least 40 hours also.. but the ending is only 1 mins +. Grr.. But the ending credit song is quite beautiful hehe.. They medley all the previous games' ending songs together. And I just learnt that "Love Will Grow" is the soundtrack of FFII. Lol.. The first time I heard this nice song was from the pirated mp3 CD compilations from my sister about 5 years ago. I think the CD cover states it is FFVI or FFIII song lol..

Kind of reminding me my emo times in V Hall.. Haha.. In JC I had nothing except my mp3 player and the songs to kill my time.. So usually when I could not sleep or felt emo with school, I would sing at the staircase.. looking at the moon.. with my mp3.. and this song is one of my favourite hehe..

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Too bad FFII is too ancient for a game to have its own FMV...