The CA result of PR2101 was out yesterday. Woohoo... I was seriously surprised with my performance. I logged out and in again to make sure that I did not see the wrong thing. Haha.. It was my first time getting an above average score for my PRxxxx module. Something that never happened before. Seeing how fast the result was out, I guess the same thing can be expected from the practical test today. I am glad that the test was not as difficult as expected. The mad rush of mugging the lecture notes was useless (but it was useful in the long term as it is a revision for the final exam) as everything was from the lab manual. Haha... Including the "lower phase" and "upper phase"... As if I could recall which contains what... I came just in time 9am before the test began. I got a quite uncomfortable seat and was initially nervous. I was worried that I could not finish but so lucky that the paper consisted of 30 instead of 40 questions. Hurray... I hope I can maintain the good performance.

Had a dimsum buffet lunch today. It was not very good. Haha.. It was at Excelsior Hotel. Only the shiumay and hakao were up to my standard. The cheechongfun sauce was bland, the xiaolongbao had very little soup inside, the desert was not very tasty, the service was substandard. Well... Not that worth it for $17 meal. Haha... But it was the people that make it enjoyable. Lol... It was so fun and embarassing at the same time. Lucky we are no longer in school (and hence no school uniform), otherwise I am sure that we made our school ashamed. Haha... The pseudo-shopping session was quite good too. Now I know why my fashion sense sucks. Haha.. It is because I never go to these shops... Even so... I don't think that the clothes in the middle-high types of shops (Topshop, Esprit, etc) are my type. I find the colours dull and dead. Nevermind..

The last chinese quiz was over today. Hehe... I was damn bloody worked out for it and I did not even know the format for quiz. It turned out to be a dictation with 2 sentences. What the heck... And the difficult words were from the previous chapters, not from the ones being tested. Darn... I mistook 时候 for 时间. Bleah... I hope other than that, the rest is alright.

I shall rest now. Haha... I am falling sick. After vaccination on Monday, my left arm was painful. I woke up several times at night so I did not really sleep well... I think my body is really weak. Haha.. That reminded me with the time when I had an injection in Primary 3 and I ended up could not walk for 1 week. Oh well... My condition was worsened yesterday by the retarded SP1203 presentation which just wasted my time and made me too tired and stressed at night preparinf for my lab test. Haiz..

Oh ya, Barack Obama won US presidential election :) I was keen on him winning. Hopefully he can bring USA and thus the world into a better and safer state. Lol... And I was surprised that my year 1 friends are actually following the election too. That is like so cool. Haha...

Bleah... I have been bringing poster like some dumbo... Today was supposed to be the time to mount the poster but the boards were not even there yet. So yeah... Haiz... Well nevermind, at least the very minimum preparation that my group did was already done. There is nothing to bother about tomorrow. Though I am seriously considering to be 'sick' tomorrow. Seriously.. No point going if there is no chance of winning. I hate acting nice to clap for others for their money and happiness.

I did my medical check-up today. It took me about 1 hour plus. The injection on my left arm left a very numbing feeling. Haiz... As expected, my eyes have deteriorated further. Sigh... Arm pain, eyes blind, brain dead. How am I suppose to mug for wednesday? I wonder... And today is monday. There will be Desperate Housewives and The Amazing Race tonight. Although I watched few parts of The Amazing Race at the UHWC. Damn it!! Last week was in Cambodia T_T I regret that I forgot to watch it. I want to see!! At least it can give me some pictures before I am going there in December...

I am running out of ideas on what to put for titles of my posts lately.

Yesterday's homily was fantastic! I am lazy to summarise it here though. Haha.. It would be too long..

I am going downhill again. I am seriously losing interest in my life. I am kinda losing sense of purpose in this life. I lose all the competitive edge to study hard... I cannot achieve happiness as there is nothing that I can buy (even if I have the money).. and shopping is usually my therapy when I am down. Sigh... This is quite bad... I am looking for nothing in this life... It's like my life is useless...

Perhaps dying is not a bad thinking... While I still have many friends who can pray for me. Like what the homily yesterday, they all can pray for me to make my purgatory time shorter. And when I am fully cleansed, it's my turn to watch and pray for all of you from the Above :)

Sigh... one thing that made my day today, the nurse who gave me the injection said "You have a beautiful skin". Wakaka.... Thanks to my baby soap :) My skin is as smooth as baby's lol

Hiiii.... Lab test is on next week. Horrible lab test! Why the hell it is called lab test if it is a theory MCQ paper that requires me to mug the lecture notes too? The only 'lab' thing about the test is that it will be held in the lab. Lame... Seriously... Just call it CA since it is a CA la.

My poster was selected for poster presentation on Tuesday. I guess my group is the most reluctant and cannot be bothered group. Haha... We seriously do not care what will happen on that day. We don't even meet up to discuss, reprint, or find a way to make people come and vote. Lol. We will just do the bare minimum kind of preparation: mounting up the poster. Haha... Seriously... I don't understand why some people are so kiasu and all out to win. There are some people who do that up to the level that will disgust many people. Haha... I don't care about winning. I just want for these people to lose. That will be very satisfying. Well... the money prize is quite enticing.. But still, it is nowhere close to the $1000 that should belong to my OG if only the orientation week went well as planned. Sigh... Now that's a lot of money and a lot of fun preparing. Unlike this one.

Last chinese quiz is up on this wednesday. Lol... Glad that it is going to be over soon :)

I am getting worried about exam... Seriously.. It is already week 12.. But I still need to go to school for most of the days... And I have not realy started my revision.. Not a very good sign.

Ah ya, yesterday was HAPPY HALLOWEEN and today is ALL SAINTS' DAY. Please pray and intercede for me O dear Saints... Lately I feel that my prayers are unheard :(

And my arms are very painful... After all the angklung shaking (rehearsal and audition) for the past 2 days. Yeah hopefully it will be selected for the international students' night. I need the points...

Depressing period

The stressful period of the year has finally comes again. Last year I was damn depressed during this time. This year, I just recovered from my depression. Although I think I am on way to another one.

First bad news is regarding the PR2101 Lab Reports. Holy crap!! No A!! Fantastic!! Argh dammit!! Okay... I shall say no more about it. I don't want to put too much vulgarities here.

Second is chinese. Putting grades aside, I just find that I really suck in it. All my effort to learn it is quite useless. Haiz... I seriously don't understand what is going on during my tutorial and I hardly can compose any sentence. Oh gosh... I was surprised (and blessed at the same time) that my mid-term is surprisingly much better than what I expected. Haha... There is still no chance to get an A- though. So no matter what I would S/U it.

Yay yay yay!! Chinese performance was over. Not gonna talk about it. This semester is mad!! I could not believe it that I had shame myself 2x by singing in public. Oh no... No more please... My singing just sucks. My chinese show-and-tell is on week 13. Praise the Lord!! I have more time to write what crap I intend on saying. Lol... There is a lab test next week. I must do my best to salvage my PR2101... And that starts NOW!!! A CA is on Friday!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

History

6 years ago, on this very day, a cute 15 year-old boy was forcefully exiled against his will by his parents to a country far far away. His parents promised him a bright future and better life there. A claim which he has proven to be false.

First year: 28/10/2002 - 27/10/2003
English was a problem although it was not as grave as PE. I learnt the bitter pill called "failure". After a wrong choice of CCA, I also learnt to believe in his judgement and follow his own ways, not others'. Then came SARS period which provided the much needed break. The additional 1 week break was a blessing. I could celebrate his birthday at home. Social life was barely there. Classmates were hostile towards foreigners and fellow hostelites were no more than fake companions. Lucky that the hostel mistress was very nice and motherly. This period ended with a great distress with the putting up of braces (after 2 very painful teeth extraction, inclusive 1 that took 30minutes and the dentist needed a rest) and the failure to be the top student just by margin of 2 points.

Second year: 28/10/2003 - 27/10/2004
There was a great surge in my spiritual life here. I attended weekly masses because I was playing organ for some masses. In fact, I could still remember the very first mass when I played. It was the All Saints' Day mass (as well as to welcome the new batch of scholars). Social life improved tremendously as classmates were getting warmer. Hostel life slightly improved. It was my first experience to be a mascot in one of the hostel games. Lol. I got a triple digit (100) for my A-maths although my History and Higher Malay were going downhill. Thank goodness my English improved (really thankful for my tutor) and that secured me a place in the top JC in the east. And one day, a miracle occured. Suddenly I managed to do 1 pull-up with no training. My classmates were all in disbelief that I could do 1. Lol.

Third year: 28/10/2004 - 27/10/2005
Mugging for O levels was an enjoyable time. Thanks to the prelims. Surprisingly, my Higher Malay saved me for the actual O level results. The grade jumped from C5 (in my prelims) to A2. Halleluya... I needed not to transfer JC. JC life was significantly better. My og (half of them) was a great bunch of people. My luck was not that good as my classmates were rather sucky. Oh well... I made few best friends in my CCA: Harmonica :)

Fourth year: 28/10/2005 - 27/10/2006
In JC, I was humbled even further. I was not that smart after all. Haha... But I had to be greatful for my Chemistry Olympiad bronze medal. Oh darn!! I still remembered what mistake I made. I was too impatient and poured in too much solvent for the organic synthesis lab test. I got no powder in the end. Sigh.. I could still recall the lab where it took place. And the written test was in LT 21 before it was renovated. The Harmonica concert was successful and satisfying. Yeah... It was a good year in fact. And I managed to trash my classmates! I proved that they all sucked!! Their strong 'cliqueing' at the start of the JC life crumbled in the end. Yeah... Told them already that their fake friendship would not hold out. Although my performance in JC was a bit outshone by everyone, I am proud that I constantly scored 4As thoughout the 2 years. Hehe... GP is not counted of course.

Fifth year: 28/10/2006 - 27/10/2007
A level result was a shocker. I was forced (again by parents) to look for job during the holidays. I could not get one. When I got one, I was cheated (but lucky I got the payment 1 year after I quitted) and almost brought the whole thing to the court. God did not wish for that and the hearing was delayed until school began so yeah... eventually no court. Lol. Uni life was not as exciting as what I expected. Sucky people were everywhere. I had a great clique mates. Arigatou :) Though initially the guys bitched about me (I know they were jealous cos I was the only guy in my clique... even until now). Too bad for you all who went ragging. Wakaka... Was demoralised by my poor performance in uni. I was even thinking of swapping course. Sigh... Not an exactly a good year.

Sixth year: 28/10/2007 - 27/10/2008

Fantastic!! That's the word. God saved the cute boy! I had the best Christmas present ever. It even saved me for my hostel stay. My sem 1 and sem 2 results were mirror images of each other. In sem 1, I had no confidence and I did surprisingly well. In sem 2, I thought I did okay, the result came out to be shit. Haiz... I had my first best friend, too bad he turned out to be another fake friend. Well... It's okay!! I was baptised (YEAH!!), I went to Sydney (OH YEAH!!), and I went to Bangkok (Ok only :p). Great great great... It was a GaRYat year. Lol... Although CCA, 6 modules, and studies really weighed me down.

Seventh year: 28/10/2008 - ...
Hopefully I will still be alive until next year... The story is being written.

Haha... I received more than one comment that blog entries are too emo and depressing. Haha.. Well, that is why the blog is called darkrose of sorrow. Because it is dark, it is filled with sorrowful things, and I am evil. Ohohohoho....

I promise this entry will be pretty good :) Haha... My projects are all over. And I have free time to breathe and mug. So yeah... I am pretty light-hearted now. Yesterday I managed to finish 1 webcast. Hurray. Another 2 hours to go today. Yeah yeah!! I am positive that I am able to clear it. Hoho..

This morning I attended my friend's confirmation. Wheee... 90 people got confirmed. It had to be a tough job for the Archbishop. Haha... Repeating "Be sealed with the holy spirit" and "Peace be with you" for 90x. Kinda of jealous with them. Well, I was confirmed already. But it was at the same time with my baptism, so everything was kind of overwhelmed by the baptism. Anyway, it is one and the same spirit :) Haha..

Okay, it is just plain weird if I don't complain and write about bad things. Sorry... Haha... My attitude problem is getting worse. It seems that there are more people that I find weird. Haiz... Perhaps I am the weird one. And I am getting weird. Unlikely though, because generally I get along very well with different kinds of people, except for the weird ones. Lol. Perhaps I am evil, anything different or I don't like then that person is weird. Haha... Well, for me there are different grades of weirdness of course.

Grade 1: Weird but tolerable if I have to talk/give face
Grade 2: Weird and untolerable. Don't even feel like talking to them
Grade 3: Weird and hateable. Just go to hell!

Fiuuh... I need more spiritual lessons and emotion control skills. Lol... Don't let these people ruin my day. Perhaps this is why, I prefer being myself (alone). Haha... But surprisingly, I think I have grown to be someone better and more patient. Few years back, I would just 'spat' on these people. Sigh... I want to go back to what I used to be :)

Okay... Time to webcast... and I still need to memorise Jay Chou's song for my chinese project on wednesday -_-"

No more SP :)

Yay Yay Yay!!! Poster presentation was done today!! No more SP. That was fantastic!! 1 more burden has been gotten rid. Hehe...

Let me say a bit about my presentation today. Hoho... I guess I need milk. I had no milk for this week and my egestion is affected. Lol. This morning I went to do big business 2x. Was it because of no milk? Or was it because of the impending doom to speak in public (14 people actually)? Haha.. Anyway... I was nervous today. All my rehearsals last night were useless. For a few times, I could feel my legs shaking and my voice trembling. Lucky people said that it was not obvious. On top of that, I did not smile (I think I did not smile), I spoke pretty fast, and I had problem with putting equal weight on both legs. Everytime I saw the teacher wrote something or when I saw the camera, I immediately felt worse. Gosh... I shall see how the recording goes. Well.. it may boost my presentation confidence. Otherwise, I shall take it as something to improve on. Hoho...

Isn't it a very good looking poster? Hoho... Great job from my group mates. I enjoyed working with them. Hoho... We organised things well until people had no more question to ask. Someone said that we planned who answered the Q&A very well too. Hoho... Nice one :)

Well... It is time to buck up now. I have tonnes of school work to do. Hang on there :) This semester will quickly come to an end. Yeah :)

Unexpected

My plans for this whole week are totally ruined. Firstly was my plan to apply visa on Monday. Before going, I withdrew money as I was short of cash, and paid my phone bill. I was so bloody damn shocked when I lost about $1.4k. Holy shit! I quickly went to have my bank book printed. And my worst dream came true. The money was gone for hostel stay. That means there was no increment for my allowance, even after my 2 e-mails. This is just plain dumb! $2000 for a semester and >$1400 is used up on for accomodation. Put in the vacation stay and that means I only had about $300 per semester. F%@*!! It's just plain dumb! That $300 is only enough to cover my meals for 1 single bloody month only. Damn it! Now I cannot go shopping as if it rains money every month. Gosh... Last time in secondary school and JC, I had $200 per month. I could shop without guilt. Now I can no longer do that! Everything I spend is my parents' money now. Sigh... There is really nothing to sustain me... To keep me going on... So yah... even I suffer from the economic recession.

It's less than a week to 28 October. Yes! It's a bloody celebration of my landing to this island 6 years ago. It is not a joyful occasion of course, although every year I will treat myself on this 'special' day. This year is the worst year so far. I never feel this regretful and angry for what has happened to my life. How the heck I can end up here? Life sucks, school sucks, social life sucks, now finance also sucks. What do I have here? I just sold the last 6 years of my life to the devil... And what do I get here? Nothing!! I am losing stuff.. My youthfulness, my cheerfulness, my future, my sense of direction of my life... Everything.

Before I ramble on and on about my cursed life, let's get back on track. Since my plan for visa application on Monday was cancelled, I decided to go this morning. Yeah it failed again. I slept too late last night. I had a group discussion on what to sing for chinese performance. I had no energy this morning. And it was not a bad thing of not going because there was a last minute work to be done regarding SP poster.

I spent the whole day mugging chinese (for the first time in this sem that I found the quiz was doable) although I decided to skip the lecture for extra sleep time. I guess that is the only good thing that happened to me so far this week. Everything else was failure. I failed to finish my UV lab report today. The lecture notes are confusing and I am confused. Sigh... I planned to finish that today so that tomorrow I can focus on my speech. Too bad.. I think I need to look for a book to read tomorrow. So I used the remaining time to type half (or a third?) of what I am going to say during oral which is on this friday. I am ill prepared. And I have no confidence. My english sucks and my presentation skills suck too. I have no problem spewing nonsense but this one I have to act formal and speak in a very good England. Sigh.. I just hope that I don't throw face. That will suffice.

At least that signals the end of SP agony. Yay yay yay!! Out of one hell, another hell is waiting next week. I have no idea how I am going to remember a chinese song in 3 days time -_-! And there is a CA next week T_T. Plus another bad news that next wednesday, pr2101 lab reports will be returned and there will be practical test in the following week. How great!! That will just ruin my days even more. I hate to see my results. It adds on stress and burden. I prefer just to see my grades (in December) and that's it! In addtion, I have a chinese oral in 2 weeks time. I have no idea what to bring for the show-and-tell. I have to write another essay to say and remember. Sigh... Life sucks.. It really sucks... Just when I think that my life cannot get worse, it keeps getting worse...

More inspiration

Have you ever watched birds when they are faced with adverse circumstances? They spend day after day weaving their nest, sometimes with materials brought from distant places. And when it is almost ready and they are prepared to lay eggs, actions of weathers, and human beings, or other animals destroy the nest which is built with so much care, effort, and love. What do the birds do? Stop and give up? Not at all!! They start and start over again, until the first eggs are laid in the nest. Many times, just before the chicks are born, an animal, a child, or a storm once again destroys the nest, but now with its precious contents. It hurts starting from zero. But in spite of it all, the birds never hush or give up. They carry on singing and building, building and singing. Are you tired of starting over and over again? The struggle of everyday life, the betrayed trust, the failed dream, the broken promises, the unreached goals, when you are almost getting there? Have you ever felt that your life, your work, your family, your friends are not what you dream of? Do you feel like saying: "That's enough, it is not worth the effort, this is too much for me!"?". Even if life hurts you again and again , do not give up! Pray and put your hopes in front of you and go forward! Do not worry if you get scarred in the process, it is something you can expect. Collect all the bits and pieces of your broken hopes and dreams together, and go forward again. It does not matter how many obstacles you have to overcome. Do not lose courage. Trust God and keep on going in faith. Life is a constant challengem but it is worth to accept it. And above all... like the birds... KEEP ON SINGING

If only I can be like those birds...

Heh, and below is quite interesting :)
Who is Jesus? He IS Jesus. Who IS HE??
In chemistry, he turned water into wine.
In biology, he was born without normal conception.
In physics, he defied the Law of Gravity when he ascended into heaven.
In economics, he disproved the Law of Diminishing Return by feeding 5000 men with 2 fish and 5 loaves of bread.
In medicine, he cured the sick and the blind without administering a single dose of drug.

He had no servants, yet people called Him Master.
He had no degree, yet they called Him Teacher.
He had no medicine, yet they called Him Healer.
He had no army, yet kings feared Him.


The conclusion: I AM STILL DEPRESSED T_T

Inspiration

I am not planning to blog today but today the pastor did an excellent homily. He gave a lot of analogies which are worth remembering. So I shall eternalise these stories here. Haha..

Story 1
Once there was a pastor who brought 4 bottles at the start of his sermon. Bottle 1 was filled with worms and alcohol. Bottle 2 had worms with cigarette. Bottle 3 had worms in liquid chocolate. Bottle 4 had worms and soil. At the end of his sermon, he pointed out that the worms in bottle 1,2,3 were dead, but not those in bottle 4. He asked the congregation what the meaning of this. Then one frail lady raised up her hand and said "Drink alcohol, smoke, and eat chocolate so that you don't have worms in your body."

I did not really get the message behind the story. So I shall take it as a joke. Haha...

Okay, let's be more serious.

Story 2
In America, once someone sent this editorial to the newspaper: "I have been going to church for 30 years. I have heard about 32000 homilies but there is nothing I can remember. I think I should stop going to church as I get nothing from it. The priests should stop preaching too as there is no use". This letter created a furore for few weeks until someone wrote: "I have been married to my wife for 30 years. I have eaten about 32000 of her meals but I cannot recall the food served for any single meal. But I am sure that whether I remember what I eat or not, her food has sustained me. Otherwise, I will be dead now".

Good isn't it?

The gospel today is about "Give caesar what belongs to caesar and give God what belongs to Him". It never occured to me to interpret 'what belongs to God' in a way that I heard it today. Just like the coin which bears caesar's head, we are God's currency. We are made according to His image, and even more, He resides within us. We are just like money, no matter how crumpled, how dirty, how old it is, a $50 note still worth $50. No matter how sinful, how sad, how useless we may feel, we still worth the same in God's eyes. Hence by giving God what belongs to Him, we are expected to give ourselves. The currency is not love, compassion, patience, etc. It is ourselves, our time, our actions.

Gosh.. I guess I am really depressed. That's why I feel so touched by these kind of stories today. Haha... One last story is from my e-mail.

SCARS OF LIFE

Some years ago, on a hot summer day in South Florida, a little boy decided to go for a swim in the old swimming hole behind his house. In a hurry to dive into the cool water, he ran out the back door, leaving behind shoes, socks, and shirt as he went.

He flew into the water, not realizing that as he swam toward the middle of the lake, an alligator was swimming toward the shore. His father, working in the yard, saw the two as they got closer and closer together. In utter fear, he ran toward the water, yelling to his son as loudly as he could. Hearing his voice, the little boy became alarmed and made a U-turn to swim to his father. It was too late. Just as he reached his father, the alligator reached him.

From the dock, the father grabbed his little boy by the arms just as the alligator snatched his legs. That began an incredible tug-of-war between the two. The alligator was much stronger than the father, but the father was much too passionate to let go. A farmer happened to drive by, heard his screams, raced from his truck, took aim and shot the alligator.

Remarkably, after weeks and weeks in the hospital, the little boy survived. His legs were extremely scarred by the vicious attack of the animal. And, on his arms, were deep scratches where his father's fingernails dug into his flesh in his effort to hang on to the son he loved.

The newspaper reporter who interviewed the boy after the trauma, asked if he would show him his scars. The boy lifted his pant legs. And then, with obvious pride, he said to the reporter, 'But look at my arms. I have great scars on my arms, too. I have them because my Dad wouldn't let go.'

You and I can identify with that little boy. We have scars, too. No, not from an alligator, but the scars of a painful past. Some of those scars are unsightly and have caused us deep regret. But, some wounds, my friend, are because God has refused to let go. In the midst of your struggle, He's been there holding on to you.

The Scripture teaches that God loves you. You are a child of God. He wants to protect you and provide for you in every way. But sometimes we foolishly wade into dangerous situations, not knowing what lies ahead. The swimming hole of life is filled with peril - and we forget that the enemy is waiting to attack. That's when the tug-of-war begins - and if you have the scars of His love on your arms, be very, very grateful. He did not and will not ever let you go.

~We ask for silver and God sometimes sends his denials wrapped in gold~