Christmas Eve Reflection

Christmas should be a joyful affair but somehow I am being overwhelmed with negativity. Physically, I am still tired after not getting proper sleep on Friday. The whiskey with 50% alcohol which I tried very little out of curiosity somehow made me feel more tired than usual. The constant changing between rainy and super hot days as well as the crowd outside are making me more irritable even when I am just going out out of necessity e.g. to go to church and to buy lunch. Mentally, I am preoccupied with my house leakage and renovation matters. I just finished figuring out the electricity matters and quotation yesterday and this morning I tried to read more about flooring as I have no idea if parquet or vinyl overlay will be better.

While feeling an utmost sense of irritability, I was suddenly struck with this thought on my bus ride home: how did Mother Mary never complain or get angry at the so-called God's plan despite having to ride a donkey and finding no room in the inn while heavily pregnant? That shall be my reflection this Christmas. I am always angry at God for my imperfect and full-of-suffering life. I question what His plan is and why even bother creating me and letting me live the live I never wish for. It is a reminder that even Jesus and the Holy Family did not have an easy life. Looks like I have no other way than to suck it up and ask for the graces required.

For we do not have a high priest who is unable to empathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet he did not sin. Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need. (Hebrews 4: 15-16).

True to myself

Last year I was pissed about peer review that I swore I would just put 3 or 'average' for those that I would be getting this year. After all, what is the point of being nice while others are so bitchy? When the time came for this year, I just could not bring myself to do so. I see no point being bitchy over something which takes up only 5% of the whole performance review. Furthermore as an appraiser myself, I know that appraisers are not that particular for the peer review while those being appraised think that it is a huge thing and the bitchy ones use it as an avenue to bring others down.

As expected, the scores I received average at 3+. I honestly think it is rather useless because the people reviewing me are only sharing perhaps 10-20% of my workload. Hence, whatever they see or think is only based on so little of my actual work. Unlike last year, I did not get so worked up about it this year. I simply told my boss "It is okay.", even when she comes from the angle that she does not want people to have negative perceptions about me. I am proud that I withheld myself from being an ass and said something alone the line that the proof my work is my outputs and not acceptance from others. Hahaha..

After all I am never supportive of this peer review nonsense thingy. I am not going to give it any legitimacy by getting too bothered by it.

Does it mean I have grown wiser?

Or am I simply getting older?

Or perhaps I simply cannot be bothered.

Malnutrition

I just had my first health screening since I changed job. Yup, this is the first one in almost 6 years. Knowing how terrible my diet has been thanks to COVID, I am worried if I have damaged my body's metabolic functions. Thank God that my blood pressure, my fasting sugar and my cholesterol levels are still in healthy range, similar to how they used to be. My diet is also successful as I am below 60kg even at their weighing machine. It is my first time with measurements of waist hip ratio and body fat percentage. While they are both are also at the healthy range, I know I still have belly fat which I want to get rid of. 

It is ironic that I still feel fat and aim for another 3-5kg loss when the health screening result suggests that I am having malnutrition. My urea is low which according to the remarks in the report may be due to malnutrition, decreased muscle mass or liver disease. With normal liver function test in this same screening and I have never been muscular to begin with, malnutrition is the only reason left. Anyway, I will aim for the ideal weight first before thinking about increasing protein intake. After all, I am still struggling with potato chips and bottled sugar drinks.

One thing for sure, I am staying away from protein drinks or shakes. Getting enough protein from diet is rather tough since I avoid anything with bones i.e. chicken, fish and pork. At most I will eat char siew and roast pork (even roast pork sometimes contains bones!) once a week. With beef almost impossible to find in hawker centre meals, I am left mainly with carbs and vegetables. Even then, I am consciously cutting down carbs and try to have the bare minimum only to avoid having gastric.

I am honestly impressed that all the blood test and urine test results are ready within the same day. I skipped the stool test since I cannot imagine having to scoop my own shit. Anyway I had colonoscopy in 2021 and the result should be good for at least one decade before another screening for colon cancer is required. Only abdominal ultrasound report is pending but I was already informed that this one would take a bit of time. Let's see if there will be any surprise.

I finally managed to attend Advent Penitential Service at Novena this evening. Thank God for stopping the rain as rain was my excuse to skip my original plan to attend at Holy Spirit and the replacement plan at Cathedral last week. Of course the evil one has been tempting me not to go since I just went for confession less than a month ago and that it is quite pointless to go since I will sin again.

It is also quite discouraging to keep confessing the same sin and hearing similar advice from the priests repeatedly reinforces that the problem is with me. Nevertheless, I am reminded with an article I came across previously that it is normal to struggle with the same sin instead of having new sins each time.

The most interesting thing was the priest telling me to treat myself to a good meal for dinner just as I was about to leave. I did not tell him anything about diet so it was like God speaking through him that I better pay attention to my malnutrition health screening result. Haha.. So I had donki for dinner and I tried to get protein through chicken karaage which normally I would not consider if not for 20% off. Unfortunately, it is so so and not something I will consider repeating so finding protein will be tough... Lol.

Choosing Interior Designer

I took afternoon leave today to drop the Cashier's Order at the law firm. That is the last legal step required of me to complete the whole house purchase matters and all that is left is to collect the key next week. Outside the legal realm, there are so many things to settle and they are driving me crazy. I just settled the electricity and water matters with Singapore Powers on Monday and I will need to officially inform StarHub for my future broadband. I do not know how it will be with the ceiling leak matters haiz... But one thing at a time. The other thing I finalised today is confirming the Interior Designer (ID) for the renovation.

There are so many horror stories about ID and it is really not a smooth journey. There are so many ID and ID firms out there -all with their shares of positive, negative, or non-existent feedback- that it is hard to even decide where to start. Because I am lazy, I only shortlist ID firms whose location are near my place. There are actually quite a lot around the vicinity and I only contacted those seemingly reliable from the feedback.

Initially I contacted (via email or their website 'contact us') four and only one replied me. I am not surprised because I sort of predicted that IDs will prefer bigger projects (i.e. bigger house) so they can earn more. Anyway the one who replied me ended up ghosting me and never gave me the promised appointment. I also did not chase since I did not want to appear that desperate. The contact I received from my church friend also turns to be only a contractor.

I contacted additional two IDs who surprisingly replied me within a few hours and I discussed further with them. The third one is from my friend, who is my property agent, when I asked if he had any contact. I am not gonna mention the names since I think at this stage, it is mostly personal about the ID rather than the firm.

ID 1

This ID is friendly and motherly but unfortunately, she was totally unprepared for the first meeting. Prior to the first meeting, I already showed her the video of the unit which clearly she did not bother to open. She did not give any ideas and everything that I suggested was "can". After giving first quotation, she became rather eager although I already mentioned I would only make my decision by certain day.

I did not choose her because of the timeline. She said she would require about 2 weeks to draw after she took a look at the place and then the carpenters can come to measure in January.

I was not too anal about pricing because I understand this kind of business will mark up here and there. I am okay as long as the total price is still reasonable. What turned me off the most is dishonesty. While carpentry cost is comparable, her marked up prices for the clearing of debris, protection sheet, etc was up to 50% of the other quotations I receive. I told her this before the final quotation. After she prepared the final quotation, she said she cut down those but she actually marked up the carpentry pieces which are already there in the first quotation. Hey, I look quite gullible and chinchai about a lot of things but that does not mean I am stupid and never do my research or never study the quotations hor.

ID 2

This is the one recommended by my friend. There is little information online since the firm seems to focus more on office and establishments, rather than residentials.

He did some homework and prepared some design ideas. He floated the idea of switching the living room cabinetry to be along the kitchen cabinetry, which is the opposite side from the illustration in the developers' floor plan. That wall is slightly longer and will give a more spacious feel with all the cabinetry jutting out from the wall is only from one side instead of from both sides. He also showed his spatial awareness when he discouraged building cabinetry at the foot of the bed since the walking space would be too narrow. He is right since when I measured the walking space in my current room, it is even wider than what I would end up with my suggestion.

Unfortunately other than that, the rest is red flags. At the end of the meeting, he asked me to find some pictures of what I had in mind because I sounded like I was not sure with what I wanted. Erm.. it was more like he could not visualise what I wanted. The only unusual thing I want is to modify the space usually for TV in the living room wall to become a working area. In other words, instead of to put TV, it is for me to put laptop to work. When I said I wanted a study in the bedroom, he asked why I wanted to have two study which sounded like he was lazy to think or modify the living room cabinetry according to my request.

He asked for a week for a quotation and he was late. Because he was introduced by my friend, I asked for an update and urgh.. The area I said to leave blank for keyboard/organ was changed to a study area, which made me suspect he did not remember what I wanted. He added some cabinetry at the head of the bed (which I did not ask) and the study in the bedroom was against the bed instead of against the wall as the picture I sent him. While the carpentry charges are comparable, he has so many miscellaneous charges that others do not charge e.g. professional fees (for drawing, choosing of tiles, materials,etc) and workers insurance.

I am trying to be positive.  Instead of thinking that he wasted my one week, it made me check with others if they would also have any hidden fees. The others said workers insurance would not be required or charged to me since the scope of the workers' work at the unit for my project is very limited (i.e. only installation and painting). There are no professional fees since everything that the IDs do is already somewhat taken into consideration to the other charges. With that, I just ignored him. I see no point asking him about these charges which are already $3000 and I am lazy to to discuss about change in quotation since some things are not according to what I want.

ID 3

She is the most on-the-ball as she actually scrutinised the video I sent prior to the first meeting. She even noticed that the wardrobe door in the bedroom is not sliding and hence my idea of building a study area next to bed may not be workable. The table maybe too small since after taking into consideration the space for the wardrobe door to open. Hence I agree with her point that might as well get a table as furniture, rather than to build. It will also be more flexible in case I want to change my bed from super single to queen next time.

During the second meeting when discussing the first quotation, she even showed my floor plan in her 3D modelling programme and the proposed cabinetries just to ensure that we were on the same page. She prepared two versions for my toy cabinets: light vs dark theme, and she created the model for living room cabinetry according to what I want: working area where the usual TV area is. When I asked about flipping the living room cabinetry to be next to the kitchen, she also thought it was a better idea. She noticed from the video that there is a beam at the living room wall where the TV cabinet is indicated in the floor plan. Thus creating a cabinet there means either the depth of the top most row will be narrow due to the beam or the cabinet height will only be until the beam thereby creating a space between the ceiling and the top of the cabinet which will collect dust.

We still had few rounds of discussions and the quote was revised until version 6 haha.. That is what I mean with on-the-ball as she quickly updates the quotation as soon as as change was agreed upon. Unlike the first one, the changes are only with the things that we discussed upon. In addition, she tried to keep the total within 20-21k by modifying the goodwill discount.

Sadly, lies and deceptions are part of business. Initially she said that she somewhat has 3D drawings ready for me and hence measuring can start as soon as I get my keys. These whole thing changed after I signed the contract -_- She said due to time constraint, she would only provide me 3D drawings for the toy cabinets and living room cabinets first. She also suddenly remembered that she has to attend wedding next Saturday after initially saying that measuring can be done on that day. Oh well, what can I do? I already signed the contract and overall she is still the best choice out of the three. Not as if I have other options.

That summarises my ID choosing experience. Everything is settled within 2 weeks as I simply do not have the patience to shortlist so many IDs and I want to quickly get things over and done with. I am so easygoing and chinchai as a customer so I hope this ID one will not disappoint and give me problems and force me to be Karen.

I went to Orchard gym today and bought shumai before going for daily Mass. Only after finishing the shumai I realised that daily Mass is shorter than Sunday Mass so I would break the 1 hour fast before Communion. I was in a dilemma deciding if I should receive or not. Since the timing to attend Mass was just nice, skipping was not part of the consideration. Lol. Thank God that since today is a Solemnity of the Immaculate Conception, the Mass was held at the main Church. In addition, being a solemnity means it is almost similar to a Sunday Mass: Gloria (even during Advent), two readings and Gospel, the Creed as well as incensing. By the time for Communion, it was already past an hour since the last shumai was swallowed. Lol.

Whether it is is coincidence or God's plan, today is the third time that completion of a process related to my new house takes place on a special day related to Mother Mary. Today happens to be the only day I can take leave to drop the Cashier's Order since it is a public holiday in the Philippines. Otherwise, I would be occupied with the end of year appraisals. I thought I would only make a decision about the ID by the weekend but somehow after the discussions yesterday, it was already apparent who I would choose and I might as well use the opportunity today to settle everything since I already took leave.

Thank you, Jesus. Thank you, Mother Mary. I pray for continuous grace and blessings for smooth and timely renovation process.  Amen.

Advent Prayer Service

I will be volunteering for the upcoming Christmas Fiesta. I am glad that the person contacted me again November because initially I asked her to contact me again October to ensure that I would not be overseas during the Christmas and New Year period. I lost her contact when I switched to new phone and she did not contact me in October. Hence I thought she had enough volunteers.

There was a prayer of commissioning for the volunteers at the end of the Advent Prayer Service and hence the team decided to have briefing for volunteers at the end of the Service. My original was plan was to go gym at 530pm, had dinner at SMU and the go for the Service. However, one of the potential interior designer (ID) asked to meet so I changed my plans: meet her, then go for daily evening Mass at Holy Spirit, before going to Cathedral. I was considering to eat dinner first since I was already late and I thought I might as well be even late-r. I decided not to eat dinner and I was about 15 minutes late.

I do not know what I missed but I think I was not too "late" and perhaps only missed the exposition of the Blessed Sacrament since they were starting the Vespers when I arrived. It was followed with Rosary and the Gospel Reading and Homily since it is the Eve of the Solemnity of the Immaculate Conception tonight. I was quite paiseh to stand during the prayer of commissioning, especially since there was no one else standing around where I sat. In the end I stood since after all that was my purpose of attending.

After the nightmarish experience of organising retreat last month, I was very pleased with the atmosphere during the volunteers' briefing. I felt that everyone was there to serve and noone showed any 'air' of superiority or self-centeredness. I am very excited that I get to do F&B this time, rather than hospitality duty. Hehe... I will be at the appetiser booth which will serve kueh pie tee, ice cream and some jelly drink. My main concern is about wearing mask haha... Chin guard will be provided and that's all that I need to hear.

Altar Server

All Saints' Day has a special place in my heart since it was the first Mass when I played the organ for. Now First Sunday of Advent will also have a special place in heart since I had the opportunity to somewhat be an altar server. It was for a Mass to 'close' the cancelled pilgrimage due to the war in Israel. It was to replace the 'sending off' Mass that was originally planned on the Saturday before our departure. It is also a 'mission accomplished' for me since trying to be an altar server is one of the things I was hopeful for when I was thinking about going for pilgrimage. I was baptised as an adult so I never had the opportunity to be an altar boy. Thus today is as much as I can experience what I miss out.

I did not know what to expect so I even prepared myself by searching altar server training guides online. I also pay more attention to what the altar boys are doing during Mass and I even attended some weekday Masses to see what they do when there are fewer of them. I definitely have deeper respect for them after learning all the stuff they have to remember and do. Not to mention of maintaining the postures throughout the Mass.

I did not have to wear the vestment and there was no procession (since it was just a Mass for 20 of us) so I mainly participated in the preparation of the altar (bringing the ciborium, the wine and water, the water bowl and hand towel), ringing of bell and at the end of the Eucharist. I had no rehearsal whatsoever so I was very clumsy with holding and placing the stuff as it was the first time I held those things on my hand.

The most memorable ones for me were the two unexpected things. First, I expected to hand over the water cruet after the Communion and Father would pour to the chalice. Father signaled that I was the one to pour the water to the chalice. Ooops, I did not prepare myself on how to pour the water from the cruet. Am I supposed to open the lid to pour or pour with the lid closed? I even angled the cruet for the Father to take the handle. The second pour was definitely smoother after I learnt that the water still flowed smoothly with the lid closed haha.. Second was placing the chalice (with the paten, pall, corporal and so on) at the of the Communion to the credence table. The whole 'stack' was rather slippery while I expected them to be 'stable'. Again, my sense of touch was not familiar and I did not know that I had to apply pressure to keep them stable. Thank God I did not drop anything. It was also my first time entering the Sacristy when I helped to carry the book that the priest read during the Mass.

Although it was not a full-fledged altar serving per se, the experience allowed me to try to be holy just for today. I even fasted yesterday. That was on top of the last week's confession. At the end, it is not really I am doing something for God but God somehow gives me the opportunity to be a bit holier than usual for these past few weeks.

To wrap this whole cancelled pilgrimage experience, I am able to easily accept it. Since I need visa, I know from the start that there is no guarantee that I can go. Indeed it is not God's time yet for me to visit the Holy Land, although the reason is the war rather than the visa. Nevertheless, it is a lie if I say I am not disappointed since I am quite looking forward to it. I think irritation is the more correct feeling and it is mainly due to the wasted preparation of all the documents (and stress) for the visa application. Will I want to go again if the opportunity arises in the future? Yes, without any doubt.