I went to church 4 days this week. It could have been 5 times but I skipped Landings session because I went to visit the pasar malam at Bishan North Shopping Mall. Gosh! Haha.. Thursday was final rehearsal for the Communi-tea session on Friday in which I participated in a prayer mime. Having to do it 'on the stage' made it feel like a dance or a performance and there was a pressure not to commit mistake. It was not the biggest concern for me since I know noone at the church so I would not need to be embarrassed. My biggest concern was the testimony part. In the middle of the song, each of us had to describe our 'before' and 'after' state to testify how our lives have changed after knowing Jesus.
This is the song used as the prayer mime
I chose 'self-centered' and 'God-myself-others' as my testimony. I am still having the thought that I would like to die as soon as possible because I think I am quite happy and satisfied with my life and I do not have anything to look forward to. However, after changing job and allowing myself to spend more time taking care of my spiritual life, the emo-ness is not as bad as last time when I just thought of everything in this life is about myself. Now when the going gets tough, I remind myself that this life is for God and perhaps I still have a purpose in this life (that I have yet to find yet).
To 'celebrate' the completion of the session, we went to have drink at Starker Bistro. I do not normally drink but I decided to follow the crowd to experience new things -as if I knew the new things are since I do not even know what beer I drank. Lol.. I only knew the first glass had normal beer colour while the second (half) glass was a cola-coloured beer. My face was already red even before the first glass although surprisingly I only felt the 'heat' rising until my neck only. Usually I could feel when my face was flushing. Alcohol is indeed a drug since the drowsiness (or the CNS depressant effect) is like when I am taking drowsy drugs. It is quite different from normal sleepiness since stimulations such as pinching myself, tapping my foot, etc do not help to combat the drowsiness.
I ended up sleeping at 3am and I was so sleepy for my physiotherapy yesterday morning. The root cause of my back pain seems to be clearer now: posterior oblique sling and that is why my right shoulder and my lower left back are the problematic ones. I did not see the 'correlation' previously because my right shoulder pain is usually triggered by sleeping side-ways or exercising while the lower back pain is random and without trigger. With this identified, 2 more exercises are added and I am not sure if I will have the time. Sigh..
Saturday Novena homily was touching and I had to hold my tears. Earlier this week I watched a video about mental health which was quite an eye opener to see these people who usually make happy videos on youtube to have mental issues. It made me google to find out if it is normal to keep thinking about wanting to die but not thinking of suicide. I always think that it may be because I have no purpose in life. I am wrong and it turns to be a condition called passive suicidal ideation. It seems that no stress and better work life balance (after changing job) and spending more time in prayers still do not get rid of my negativity. That brings back to what I typed above: if it is just about myself, nothing is going ever satisfy. I almost cried when hearing that there are people with more difficult circumstances who do not lose faith or losing the drive to live.
Today was ministry fair at the church which I had some hesitation because I am shy and do not like to approach strangers. It has been more than a decade since I did flag day or that sort of thing. Actually flag day is more difficult because it is to approach people to ASK for something while for this outreach, I am just giving out postcard so that people are more aware of this ministry. Sometimes I can't help but feel how the devil would tempt and prevent me from doing God's work. Firstly, I felt discouraged because on Friday someone asked me about Landings and I felt that I could not provide a satisfactory answer. This was for someone who was interested and asked. If I could not do that, how can I now be the one taking the initiative to give information. I woke up on time this morning but I was held up by a lizard in the bathroom. I am not scared of lizard but I just do not want it to slip from the wet wall or door when I shower so I have to make sure the coast is clear. Then after showering, my right eye was red. I knew it was because over-rubbing rather than irritation like previously. I usually want to minimise medicine use but I had no 1 hour to wait for redness to subside and I just used the eye drop again.
Volunteering for 7am mass was a blessing. People were generally calmer and not in a hurry so I did not have any blunt or rude rejection. The crowd was smaller so it was nice to still able to recognise some of those I had interaction before the mass at the end of the mass. My time slot ended at 830am and I went to gym. Miraculously I was still able to reach gym on time to go for 900am instead of 930am. With that I actually had the time to go back to volunteer again for the third timeslot. There was a huge battle inside my head: I did not sign up for this slot because I am not sure if I can make it and earlier I already said bye. Will I be so extra if suddenly I appear again? vs 1130am would be the most crowded but it had shorter list of volunteers compared to 700am so I should help especially since I already wore the T-shirt and would wash it, I might as well make it more worthwhile. Hilariously, the final decision came from the night market again. I wanted to buy food for lunch but it did not open so early hahaha..
God is merciful and kind. I decided to just be thick skin and returned. I went to 7-11 near the church and I found the ghost pepper cup noodle that I had been trying to get for my friend. The best part, however, was that I bumped in Br Michael Broughton (who is now is based in the Philippines and he would be flying back tonight). Although we only interacted for 2 minutes at most, it was as if I was transported back to those nostalgic days when I was still in SJI. I am not sure if he remembers me by name but I am sure that he definitely remembers that I am one ex-student because after the initial eye contact, he walked nearer to strike the conversation. I don't think people will do that to a complete stranger. Coincidentally, tomorrow (28 October) marks the 17th year of my arrival here and usually it makes me overwhelmed with regrets and emoness. I really think that this encounter is a blessing and I did not regret coming back for the third session. Come to think about it now, I should have taken a photo with him haha... Oh well, I am shy and even asking friends for a photo is also quite embarrassing. Perhaps another time if we still cross path again.
God, I hope I have not disappointed You to fulfil my promise to use some of my free time for You in exchange of the work life balance that I enjoy with my current work. Meanwhile, I am still waiting for a divine affirmation if I should sign up for the vocation retreat :(
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