Doing my data collection in nursing home for my project makes me think that the most evil disease that afflict shumans is aging. It saddened me when I saw the photos of the residents followed with the photocopy of their ICs on the next page. It occured to me that once, these people were just like me right now: young, good-looking, full of energy, happy and healthy. Aging took away everything from them: their youth, their look, their health, their body, and their mind. Some cannot do anything for themselves. Some cannot remember anything about themselves. Some will do things which they will never even think of doing in sound mind. As I age, I am scared. One day, I may become like them too. Or maybe I will be even worse than them.
From my religious classes, everytime there is suffering in human life, people will ask "If God exist, why did He allow such evil and suffering to be present?". Of course the morally correct answer is "Suffering exists so that the others would realise how much blessed they are as compared to those who suffer". But my sentiment is, do we really need to realise God's love by seeing how other people suffer and lack of God's love?? What about these people who are suffering? What is God's plan for them?
I wonder why God created humans in the first place. I know God does not need humans to be glorified as He is already full of glory regardless of humans' glorification. If God wants to share His Kingdom with all of us, why must we be born and suffer in this world?? Why must we die and we may end up worse in the hell?? Why Lord?? Why can't You just create us like the angels and be in Heaven with you? Seriously who cares about free will?
Perhaps I am not meant to be in this world. Since I was young, I always wish that I can die young, so that I can be with God as soon as possible. The longer I am in this world, the more I sin, the higher likelihood I go to hell.. It is blasphemous to think that way, I know. I should be grateful for this gift of life. But seriously, I cry everytime I think that I will slowly lose everything with age. What is worse is to see my loved ones to go that way: how the father and mother who used to be so strong, can run errands and do household chores, etc slowly grow weak; how my grandfather who used to be able to quarrel with me over watching TV slowly lost his hearing, memory, and finally lost in his own world (and I hope he is now happy with God in heaven); how my grandmother who used to walk to the market to buy ingredients and cook for me slowly used her legs and eyesight.
And I am selfish, I want they all to live long because it will be sad if I have to lose them. In contrast, I want myself to die young so that I don't need to suffer without thinking whether they will be sad when they have to lose me.
But ultimately, my desire remains the same: to be with God. And then I can ask Him what the heck He is actually thinking with His grand plan of salvation? The $1 million question is: will I be in Heaven in the first place to ask these questions? Bible gave conflicting accounts. Some passages say not everyone can enter just because he shouts "Lord, Lord". Some say everyone who has faith will be saved. Some passages say that these people have been chosen. What is the real answer? Nobody knows. Only God knows. And that is really sad.. It feels that we are just pawns being controlled by some invisible divine power.
Anyway, this not meant to be an anti-Christ or anti-faith post. I am just emo. And this thought has come to me many times. I feel my life is meaningless. I have earned money but I am not happy. I spend the money and I don't feel happy about it too. Nothing makes me happy which makes me wonder why am I in this world in the first place if I cannot enjoy it.
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