Looking forward to Lent

I just went for Mass earlier and time really flies. Chinese New Year is coming in less than 3 weeks and Ash Wednesday is immediately on the Wednesday after CNY. I am honestly surprised that I am looking forward to Lent for a reset with my life.

My spiritual state has not improved much since last week. I still feel that I am just reciting prayers and babbling to myself instead of actually praying and having a conversation with God. I am paying more attention to my food as my weight is slowly increasing. Not to mention that the cooling weather has been my excuse to be lazy with my gym for the past 2 weeks.

I am also getting worked up over $50 as I missed quarterly rebate for my UOB One Card because I got mixed up between $500 spending requirement based on calendar month (for interest to my savings account) vs statement month (for the rebate). My statement month ends on the 27th and in Nov, my last few spendings to reach the $500 was after the 27th. Because of this, I am watching my spending more closely this month. Not to mention that DBS Multiplier is cutting down interest rates from this month and for me to maximise, putting all my money to UOB is more worth it provided I hit the $500. If I don't hit, I will end up with zero bonus interest. I end up spending more for food and potato chips. While these are not sufficient to hit the $500, they are really successful to make me fat.

I was short of $120 yesterday but somehow I managed to hit it yesterday. Lol. I collected my Singapore Mint Ox coins yesterday and there was an ongoing store promotion for Mickey-shaped CNY medallions. I wanted to pre-order them previously but I did not. I was being a scrooge back then. When there was a promotion for Singapore Mint membership in November, I rejected since I thought there would not be many things that I would buy. After all, I usually only buy the Ni-Cu coin and Treasure Cove pack for every CNY. Anything other than that is only as and when there is any interesting things. When the pre-order letter came in December, there are a lot of Disney CNY stuff T_T I calculated that I would save if I were to sign up as member previously. Because of that, I did not order any of the Disney CNY stuff in hope of a membership promotion again.

I bought the medallion for $22 yesterday which is cheaper than $25 member price. The individual 12 Zodiac medallions are also on promotion ($16 x 12 = $192). It will be cheaper than the full set ($210 even for member) but I want the full set because of the box. Haiz.. A pass for this for now since in 2020 I already bought a full set.

Initially I wanted to get Haikyuu Complete Illustration book to wrap up my monthly spending. I went to Kinokuniya for the first time in more than a year haha.. In the end I did not buy it. I realised that my membership was expiring and it would cost $55+ to renew for three years. Luckily I checked my card more carefully because yesterday happened to be the last day i.e. it was not expired yet. I ended up buying 2 postcard books for Twisted Wonderland. I will renew my membership next time when I have difficulty hitting monthly spending requirements. Hehe.. So what happened to the Haikyuu book? I will buy it as delivery next time as it is thick and heavy. There is Slam Dunk Illustration Book vol 2 which is also big and heavy. So perhaps I will wait until April for 20% sale for Good Friday weekend (I hope there would be) to renew membership and get these two books. I am pretty sure there will be sale for CNY in Feb but I will skip because I have my skin doctor appointment and hitting $500 for Feb will not be a problem.

Frankly I am hoping for another lockdown. The crowd is getting normal and any distancing is just impractical. I just find it irritating to be in a crowd and still having to don a mask. I think it is easier to hope for a lockdown so that it gets less crowded and to hope for no longer need to wear a mask. People are getting more irresponsible as well. This morning I kept hearing people coughing, clearing their throat, or snorting their nose during Mass. Gosh.. If you are not well, please stay at home! I hope they were just having rhinitis because of the aircon but given the current situation, it just feels so irritating to be around these people.

I collected my Trace Together token and so far I have not received any notification of close proximity with a suspect case. Lol I am hoping I have that so that I can excuse myself from going to office for this coming week. Sian...

So much angst.. so much negativity.. so much unhappiness. That's why I am waiting for Lent so that I have a stronger reason to give up my junk food which will indirectly help with my weight. Lent is also a season for praying which I hope can somehow revitalise my spiritual state.

Perspectives

A cup of bubble tea easily costs more than $5. I usually wait until a bag of my favourite Kettle cost $3.95 before buying. One good meal from any fast food chain is easily above $10. It is so easy to spend on these few times in a week without thinking. Entertainment-wise, watching a movie is $13 for a 2-3 hours thrill. Yet I keep feeling guilty when I spent $7 for a month for free gems or $20 for a monthly pass in a mobile game. Sigh.. When comparing to how gaming in the past was or how much a fully developed console game, monthly spending for a gacha games feel like a waste of money. It is frustrating but I have to just 'bluff' myself that I am forgoing bubble tea and use the money for gaming. One-time or 10 minutes of excitement vs a month of enjoyment. Yep it is worth it.

Fast food streaks struck me again in the past two weeks as I was trying new stuff such as Mala fries from McD, chicken skin from KFC (now there is normal and spicy variants), and Mac and Cheese Subway. The good thing is as always, after binging, there has been no further desire to repeat any. Yep, they are all just so so haha..

Currently I am feeling super fucked up with the house maid.  She always cooks damn fucking smelly stuff and the smell lingered. Not to mention she did not clean the kitchen properly and finally there was cockroach last night. That was the last straw and I told my landlady to inform the maid to clean the kitchen after she cooks. I think she swept but still did not mop the floor today. Fucking maid. Earlier this week she did not throw a rotten fruit for two days and there were a lot of fruitflies.

Yesterday was super frustrating because the smell went into my room and I even had to re-wash my laundry. I have been patient but after this, I won't give a fuck anymore. I am just waiting a moment to tell my landlady that the main has not been mopping the floor for God knows how long. Even doing laundry she is also getting lazier. I do not mind about that as I prefer to do my own laundry anyway. She does only 2-3x a week and the machine is so full so how would it be clean? I often get itch which I suspect is because of that.

All these negativities flow over to my prayers as well. I feel like giving up praying altogether as I feel like a hypocrite. I keep praying for graces to be obedient, to be grateful, to carry my cross and follow Him, etc and yet what I am feeling is the opposite. I still hate the state of my current life and I do not know what God wants me to do in life. Praying just feels like a lip-service and for me, being an unpraying prodigal son is better than being a hypocrite. Haiz.. Again, it is a matter of perspective. In the end I still continue to pray because lip-service is still better than just giving up to evil.

The first reading for Mass today is about God calling Samuel. I am still waiting for God to call me and tell me what He wants me to do as currently I am already giving up on my own life and I just want to obey instead of searching. How I wish that He will just call me as a voice from heaven like what happened to Samuel and save me the trouble of the discernment stuff as I do not know whose voice and whose sign I have or I am looking for.

Rainy days reflection

It has been raining non-stop for the first two days of 2021 and I am not complaining. It is so nice to experience cool weather without the aircon. I bluffed my aunt that I was not feeling well during Christmas so that I did not have to go to her place. I actually just wanted to play game. Hehe.. Because of that, I could not bluff for New Year again. I went out at around 1130am but the heavy rain and slow bus made me turn back. I told my aunt that because it was raining, I would not be visiting. She said it was raining at her place too so just wait until the rain stopped. I spent the time napping until 2pm+ and it was still raining.

By then I was feeling hungry and I did not have any food. I did not order delivery since I think it would be difficult finding drivers during such weather. As much as I was lazy, when the rain lightened, I decided to go since I needed food. Surprisingly, my simple last meal in 2020 (which was Burger King burger+onion ring+Hersheys pie) lasted from dinner time until 430pm. Haha... For someone living alone, I cannot be bothered about whatever phase and how many people can gather. For people with family, it actually matters. When I reached, I was the 8th guest. When there was additional people, someone else had to go. Lol.

On the way home I was considering of getting groceries in case the rain continued over the weekend. I decided to keep a clean sheet of no spending for first day of the year. After all, what is the odd that it rains continuously in this tropical city? Well it rained for the whole day again yesterday haha... I cancelled my gym and just slacked for the whole day again. I had to wait until the rain lightened in the late afternoon for me to go out and get food. This time I decided to buy some potato chips and instant noodles in case it would be raining for the whole day again today. That is against my new year resolution to start the new year right without junk food.

Of course after I am prepared, it stopped raining today -_-" A part of me was hoping that it would rain so that I had an excuse to skip Mass and skip gym. Tsk tsk... On my way home, it started to rain again although it was not as heavy as yesterday. I should be grateful since I got the best of the both worlds: I finished my Sunday routine and I enjoy the cooling weather at home now. It was also my last time to experience the gym at Orchard since I would be returning to my usual branch at Holland Village from tomorrow.

After writing so long, what exactly is the reflection? Haha.. Attending Mass today is a blessing as again I heard the story about the 3 trees. One hoped to carry the most precious treasure, one hoped to a strong ship which carry kings across the ocean, and one hoped to be the biggest tree on the mountain that everyone would admire. Their hopes were dashed after they were made into a manger, a small boat, and beams of wood. They did not realise until later on they became the manger where baby Jesus was laid, the boat on which Jesus calmed to storm, and the wood of the cross. The take home message is a reminder for me to have faith in God's plan although I do not know what is going on in my life. I do not think I am making any progress in 2020 to find out what exactly God wants me to do with my life and I am just as passively suicidal as ever.

I bought this sculpture which depicts the story above for $8. I did not see before I bought and I did not regret buying. In fact after opening and looking at this at home, I felt that I should have bought two. Unexpectedly, the story above is actually an invention of the pastor who preached the homily today. Today is his last Sunday in the parish as he is having a new appointment from next week onwards. Previously I knew him from the Holy Cross when I was still in the NUS. He was then assigned to my current parish around 3 years ago. So indeed I like his homily style and will definitely miss his homilies.

Year 2020 allowed me to cut down my annual spending by 1/3. Wow! All spending went down including daily necessities such as food, groceries and transport. I never expected I could cut down on my spending for anime related merchandises but I finally did in 2020. I think I have reached the point where I really have no more space in my room sigh. The biggest savings come from $0 travelling related expenses and gym. Hehe.. 2021 will not be as good, even if COVID continues and I still cannot travel, as I would have to renew my gym in another 7 months time. I should be happy but I am not :( Whatever I save in 2020 will be gone by this April as I have to pay my yearly endowment funds. I know I should not be thinking that way since in the previous years,  I still had to pay those funds while spending like mad. Clearly money does not bring me happiness and the chase after money is never ending. That's why I am still finding what exactly can make me happy.

I am not looking forward to be back to office tomorrow. Haiz.. I am left with half a day to enjoy my game and read Catholic News. I managed to get a copy today and it would be my first time reading it since the Church closure last year.  Wew...

2020 ending

In one word, 2020 is an extra-ordinary year. Yep, the dash is there for the pun. I started the year still having fun in Tokyo Disneyland and my usual yearly reflection was only completed in February. While I did not have any travel plan this year since my free visa to Japan was over in April, I certainly never expect the extreme opposite for not able to travel overseas at home. In midst of all the disruption due to COVID, I honestly feel quite positive about it overall. WFH is really heaven-sent and I hope it is going to continue forever and ever.

Surprisingly, 2020 was the first time that I was able to fulfil many of my new year 'resolutions'. Thanks to the combined power of COVID+WFH, I am able to rest and not travel during holidays although sadly it is not resting at home that I wished for. With more time at home, I also finished my financial tracking and with the lack of travel this year, my bank account is finally seeing green after about 5 years. Haha.. I also managed to lose so much weight thanks to the lockdown. I started at around 68kg before the WFH stuff and ended with 58-60kg at the end of it. Sadly, I started to gain again with the end of WFH. Looking at it positively, 62kg now is still better than 64kg at the start of 2020.

Who would have thought that the trip to attend friend's wedding would be the last trip for the whole year? It was a once-in-a-lifetime experience to travel while wearing N95. It was not the peak of the COVID yet and it was more of being kiasi. I think at that time, the COVID name was not invented yet. I certainly would not expect that it was my last time seeing my dad. The experience of losing my dad without the ability to see and be with him in his last days and up to his funeral has not been easy. Looking back at my old post, I was quite surprised with my post on 28 Feb when I started to have that bad omen feeling of losing him. Although I am alone, I know God is with me and has prepared me for this with being alone for so long. I was sad but I could accept and I did not breakdown unreasonably just because I could not be there and all that.

The lockdown period is an affirmation that diet control is more important than exercise. With the gym closure, I only did exercises in my room which were no where close to the intensity of gym exercises. Yet I was able to lose a lot of weight because WFH allowed me to just eat one meal a day (lunch), keep with my banana for dinner, and no snacking with most of the potato chips were running out of stock and the snack shops were not allowed to open.

Attending Mass online is another first. I am honestly surprised that my faith did not wither because of church closure. The bigger surprise, however, I appreciate attending Mass physically than attending online. Haha.. My initial anticipation was: wah let's continue with Mass online even when COVID is over as it will provide flexibility and convenience. Reality: Gosh this feels very sleepy and distracting as I am still in the environment where I usually just laze around and sleep. Haha..

The highlight of 2020 for me is Thai dramas. With FF Mobius went out of commission, watching dramas is the only alternative entertainment that I have access to. Many Thai dramas are uploaded officially in Youtube (and later on one LINE TV when it becomes accessible here) so it does not give me so much frustration as watching Japanese dramas from other websites which have a lot of pop up ads. In total, I completed 45 series for the whole year o_0 with another 3 which is currently ongoing. There are few more recently completed and currently ongoing titles that I am interested but have not watched as they are not available in Youtube so I do not know where to watch yet.

I also completed 2 photobooks this year. I have another one in progress which I am not able to continue thanks to having to return to office haiz. I am also too busy with Genshin Impact lately so that really takes a lot of my time. Hehe..

Although many will say 2020 sucks, I think it has been okay for me. Until the last 2 months when things started to go downhill. Firstly thanks to the politicking office bitches which really made me think otherwise of them and seriously thinking of starting to find another job. Having to get back to office, albeit once every 3 weeks, also destroyed my diet and my shiokness of staying at home. After the successful Landings run online, I also sort of run out of steam with my spiritual life. While I register for Mass attendance when there is a chance, I find focusing for my daily rosary getting more difficult. I certainly cannot keep up the commitment with daily rosary and Chaplet of St Michael so the latter is often sacrificed.

As I go into 2021, I do not really have a lot of expectations. I still have no purpose in life and being dead is still my number one priority. Dear God, when will you call me? Meanwhile, while I still have to live my shitty mortal life, I hope the WFH continues. I do not really care if COVID continues or what as long as WFH continues. It will be a cherry on top if office bitches can disappear too hehe or I am praying that perhaps I can find another job. Lastly, I am still hoping for my perpetual wishes of losing weight and feeling high spiritually.

Happy 2021 or perhaps Happy 20-21°C. It has been raining nonstop since yesterday and I do not mind if such cool weather stays.