The perfect Christmas for me is to just enjoy a quiet and relaxing time at home. 2020 obviously is an extraordinary year and against my will, I cannot travel and have to be stuck here for Christmas. This is my most emo Christmas so far simply because there is nothing that I can do. During FYP, I could accept that my grade and future were at stake. In addition, I experienced my first midnight Christmas Mass and walking home from Holy Cross back to PGP because there was no bus running after that. Sadly I did not manage to secure any slot for Christmas Mass this year and I could only followed it online. Two years ago I did not go home because I just switched job. This year I could not even concentrate for work at Christmas' Eve half day. Sigh.. How to survive next week.
I had my appraisal and I was happy that I did not have to resort to any toxicity. Honestly though, if there is a chance of jumping ship, I would consider because I am sian after knowing how toxic these current bitches are. Of course ideally the best will be for them to jump for whatever reason since I am actually enjoying the flexibility here.
Somehow I have been having dreams that made me thinking of and being sad about my dad's passing. The dreams were not about my dad per se but they were the things that reminded me of memories with him or my unfulfilled wishes such as to go to Japan with him. Not everything is in the good side though. With my current state of loneliness and being stuck here also awakened my unhappiness about living alone and being homeless here. Haiz.. all the prayers saying that I accept my cross etc feels like me bullshitting myself. I know this is an inner devil that I will always have to fight for the rest of my life. Not to mention that one of the prayers during Prayer of the Faithful on the last weekend was specifically about those celebrating Christmas this year who have lost someone this year :(
I have been spending too much time with Genshin Impact lately. If not because of the limitation of iPad battery, I think I would be playing non-stop. Once a gamer is always a gamer. Huhuhu... My sleep is also disrupted as I have been taking a nap in the late evening and waking up past midnight. Then I will play until 4am before going back to sleep. I even cancelled my gym and pretended to not feeling well so that I can siam my aunt's invitation to go to her house for dinner tonight.
Aaargh I don't give a damn about people anymore as noone also gives a damn for me. Noone is helping to take photos with Doraemon which is going to be over tomorrow and I am getting very sick with the people in my house who keep cooking and making my room smell. Fuck la.
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