The Gospel reading from last Sunday has been haunting me since last week as it accurately describes and addresses what I am feeling lately. Pride breeds envy and self-entitlement which subsequently brings about ungratefulness for the things on hand as you aspire to have more. Realising and acknowledging the issue is one thing but I still cannot get over it even with prayers. Gosh..
Yesterday was the wedding of my ex-prereg and that is a reminder of how childish I am. I am so old and yet I still don't think much about my future. Just YOLO and enjoy life now. I am happy for his wedding and his wife and kids will be so lucky because nice guy like him is rare. Attending the wedding brought me back to my ex-colleagues which reminded me all the shit with my previous job.
I cannot help but feel the hatred over all the injustice. I suffered and patiently waited for good people to recruit. They all still stay and I am quite thick-skin to say that I recruited good people indeed. After all that, it is the people after me who are reaping the good fruits. It is very stupid to feel this way because on the other hand, if things were not that fucked up, I would not leave and will not be in my current place: happy with the work-life balance so far and am able to repair my relationship with God.
I always feel that perhaps this is a cross that I have to bear. I have to be the 'bad guy' and get all the $%&*^# from others, to put things in order, and in the end it is for others who come after me to enjoy. It happened before in my CCAs, in the previous job, and in the current job as well. It sucks but I realise not everyone has such a thick face to take all these and if this is the role that God wants me to play in this world, let it be done.
Currently I am emo that I am not nominated to attend an event overseas. I know that this is completely wrong as it entirely comes from the eyes of jealousy. Sigh.. I should count my blessings that I have had the opportunities to fly once every quarter this year and to be involved in the consultancy project as well. So it is the same thing all over again, I know it is wrong, I pray over it, and yet I still cannot help but feeling all the negativities.
Another incident of this pride problem was 2 weeks ago when I was invited as an alumni to speak about my experience etc. I felt it was quite a waste of time since it was so disorganised and a "free-for-all" manner. I am not someone who will fight for limelight so what was the point for me to be there if I only talked for a bit and the questions were mostly dominated by one person. I think it was just a wrong format. Why do I feel this way? Ultimately it is because of pride. The more appropriate response is to be humble: I am there to answer questions if it is for me to answer. Otherwise, I should not be offended since the purpose of the session is not me but the students. Bleah.. I am so fucked up.
My gym suspension ended yesterday and I was thinking to prolong my suspension until I come back from my trip. Plan abruptly changed after seeing my photos yesterday. I am fucking fat now sigh.. I can't even fit into one of my vests :( Sigh.. I know I bought it more than a decade ago but that is not the reason. I hope I don't get injured again.. Without both exercise and diet control, there is no way losing weight will be successful. I am desperate enough to consider cutting carbs intake because that seems to be the most effective manner. Again this can only go 100% after I come back from my trip.
To end today in a positive tone, let's wish Mother Mary a Happy Birthday since 8 September is the Nativity of the Blessed Virgin Mary. I just went down to clear a Pokemon Go mission to defeat a raid boss and because of the special day, I had a 30 minutes walk to pray a rosary since that is the only birthday present I can give.
There was an announcement for cathecists recruitment. Haiz.. It is not the first time that I feel the nudging if I should try but as always I am always timid for holy stuff. I think I will end up teaching kids on how to go to hell instead. I promise if someone asks me then it is a sign of the calling.
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