My life is in a mess and I feel like a shit now. Not that things are going wrongly or what, I am just unhappy with my life :( I really have no purpose in life.. I just wanna die.. Crying no longer works.. In fact, I don't think I have got tears to shed this time.. Ow fuck.. Too many things are happening and I do not a stress-proof mind and body... Bleah...
A CA is coming in 1 day time and my study is still like shit.. I cannot remember what I have read.. I am not even confident that I can write some random crap or smoke :'( FYP is taking way too much time.. I am getting very impatient and agitated about it... I don't understand what I am doing and have no purpose.. Haiz.. Now I really with I am doing a non lab FYP. At least I can do the things from home. I don't need to rot my ass down in the lab. I miss those days in shorts and slippers. I am sick of jeans, lab coat, and the smell of gloves...
My grandma fell sick.. really really sick.. When I spoke to her, I could not help but cry. Sigh.. It was my first time hearing her so sick and so weak.. She never ever sounded like that despite years of having back and leg pain.. She would always talk for a long time on the phone be it about her TV show, her cooking, and many other things.. Usually it is always me finding excuse to put down the phone or my auntie telling her not to talk so long because it is expensive. But this time, she did not really feel like talking.. I am really worried that her time is close.. Especially since she asked when my dad is coming back from Europe trip.. I got the feeling that she would wait for him before leaving forever sigh... Anyway this made me really sad.. I would go see her this Sunday - Tuesday.. I know my FYP is gonna be screwed for missing 2 days but oh well :( Yesterday I heard that she got better but I shall see how in few days time..
As much as I am pissed with my mom, she finally lost her cool with me first.. She called me no manner. Haha.. But sorry, I am just not in the mood to discuss the shit I am feeling now. I am not in the mood to get some "lecture". My parents don't know what I am going through so all their useless suggestions just pissed me off. Call it teenage angst (a bit to late eh?).. I just don't see eye-to-eye with my parents anymore. Gone were the days when I was a good boy who cared so much about school, success, future, etc etc.. Now I just want to enjoy life. I don't care about school. I hate school! I hate my life! Yeah part of the blame I hate my parents for throwing me overseas. I hate this country!!
Hate hate hate!! The hatred is just too strong now! Shouting screaming crying no longer work.. I just hate my life.. Why am I born in the first place? Why do I exist if my mere existence is only to suffer? Sigh.. I am also losing vision on God and any God-related activities. I was so angry with my stupid church last weekend. OH well, blame it on the stupid bus who never came on time that I was late for mass. But the church was so fucked up. There were so many of us standing. That should be clear enough that there were not enough place. Why didn't they just open the 2nd floor so that we could sit!! I was cursing throughout the mass. I know it's ridiculous to hate the religion or God for such thing. It's human's fault. I am sure the stupid church wanna save money on electricity bla bla bla.. Oh well, lucky I never donated for the so-called "church building fund". This is the most ridiculous church I have known so far. Why on earth they build a 2nd level if they did not intend to open it!
I am tired... Emo-ing just wastes my time and energy. I am not in the mood to do anything and yes that includes GAMING too! I just want to die! I don't wanna live anymore! Bleah.. I feel like like a prisoner in this universe.. My life sucks and I wanna die.. But I am also scared of death.. I don't wanna go to hell.. I have no idea where my faith will bring me too..
:( I am just losing control over myself.. I am just gonna go crazy at this rate.
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