Family matters

I am back from a short trip to visit my grandma in Pontianak. I cannot remember the last time I went there. Few people told me different things and I honestly cannot tell whose memory is right. Anyway, I was so sad when I heard my grandma fell sick. I thought this would be the end =( Thank God she is recovering now. Only her legs are painful sometimes but other parts of the body are okay. I hope things will be better and I promise her that I will go there again next year after I finish my studies.

I am pissed with the adults. Sigh.. My grandma vomited blood and after that, for 3 days, people were scared to feed her. That was the reason why she fell really sick and became really weak. Now things are better since she starts eating again. Now I am only worried about her medications, whether people rotate her body around (since she is bed bound) and whether she drinks enough water everyday. Her children love her dearly but unfortunately everyone's love is a bit extreme. They would just nag nag nag because one wanna do this and one wanna do that bla bla bla then they would quarrel.. Since I am one generation younger, I just keep my mouth shut. I hope my dad, supposedly the best in terms of health knowledge among the children, would step up and have a greater say in how to take care of her.

Anyway my relatives are telling me that I slimmed down, my face is so smooth, I am handsome bla bla bla.. Dunno they are just bluffing, or I am being to critical of myself. I feel that I am super duper fat :( Weight-wise, it has been quite stable below 60kg for quite sometime.. but fat-wise, I think my proteins have all turned into fats :( I think I am ugly and I think I have lots of pimples :( The only thing I agree with is that I have a baby face. Haha... The more distant relatives (who never met me before etc) actually believed when an aunt telling them that I am 15 years old. Haha...

Ok now comes the emo part.. I just went to the bank to deposit my money. Haiz.. after the increase in hostel fee, I am left with a nett $500 per SEM (OMG!) from the scholarship money. Grr.. That just covers ONE month expense!! This made me angry again especially to my parents.. For 7 years, my spending has been stable and they should know very very well whether the money they send suffices! I hate being nagged upon money matters. I am not being calculative.. Even my angpau money or my money from my part-time job, I just lump them together in my bank account. And all of these are used up only for my daily expenses. Haiz damn sad.. Now I am wondering what I am suffering so long for what.. I have sucky life, I have no friends, I am stressed, I have sacrificed 7 golden years of my life, just for nothing!! Don't even talk about monetary benefits of the stupid scholarship. It is not enough!! My parents have to support me. And the worst part is: instead of being able to save up, I end up having to use my personal money for the bare necessities (food, transport, housing, phone here!! Fuck my life!