A&E

Yesterday was my second time in one month or so of having flashes of light in my eyes. Usually sudden flashes of light warrants a visit to A&E as it may indicate retinal detachment. I had it around one month ago on my right eye when I was eating breakfast. I thought it was just due to lack of sleep since I just woke up at 5am to go to office. I did consider going to A&E but decided not to when the flashes stopped after I took a shower. It happened again yesterday and I tried to reason that perhaps I overexerted at gym. Although it also stopped on its own, it was on the left eye and it was wider field of vision.

I made the right decision to get the A&E referral from WhiteCoat and hence everything was covered by my company insurance policy today. I went to Mount Elizabeth Novena A&E since I planned to use my private insurance if indeed I had retinal detachment and needed surgery. Going via A&E also meant the hospital could arrange the appointment with an eye specialist immediately. Otherwise, I would not know which specialist is suitable or if they even allow a walk in booking at such a short notice.

There was no other patient when I arrived in A&E at around 8am. The triage nurse did not waste time to do the usual BP and temperature check and quickly arranged for appointment with eye specialist after I told her my symptoms. My appointment was at 930am and the doctor only arrived at 1020am -_- The doctor went to check twice: through the device and then without the device, to confirm that my retina is ok. Fiuh.. thank God again... On one side, I am relieved and grateful that nothing happens and no surgery is needed. On the other side, it means I will continue living with all these floaters and worry whenever I get the flashes of light again. Oh well.. nothing can be done naturally about these floaters or risk of retinal detachment so I can only pray and surrender everything to God.

I considered of going to lunch time Mass at Novena after my lunch but I decided not to take the risk. It was still 45 minutes away while my eyes were still under the effect of pupil dilators. I think I made the right decision since I reached home within 45 minutes haha.. Anway, the A&E visit did not stop me from going for the ID appointment earlier lol.

Four years ago I went for a similar check up alone so I was not worried about doing it again alone today. However, it was my first A&E experience alone.

Not a sin?

I have never attended the confession 15-30 minutes before Mass. Yet I know I want to have a confession before I do my altar server duty next Saturday. Since it is not time for Advent Penitential Service yet, I decided to go at Novena Church since they have confessions on Saturdays i.e. not only before Mass. My choice is between today and next week. In other words, between the risk of sinning again for another week and not going at all if I am lazy next week. I chose the lesser of the two evils.

I was worried that I would not make it in time. I reached almost 930am and there were 5 people in the queue while there were only two priests. Luckily the queue moved pretty fast. I am surprised that Father told me that wishing and praying to die because life sucks is not really a sin (?). Rather, he advised me to find a counsellor or a spiritual director to help me navigate my feelings. I don't mind having a spiritual director but to find from where sia? I don't need a counsellor since I know the shit I am going through and it is not with the world but with God :( 

The more shocking thing was when he asked me what I was going to do about it since it is something that I have been fighting for a long time. I don't know, man.. If I know how to overcome it, I would also like to be happy and haiz... Anyway the best part for me is actually the penance. Father only asked me to spend more time with Jesus and to pray. For me, that really gels with what he said to figure out and navigate my feelings. Though unfortunately, I am not able to replicate what I experienced during the retreat even when I repeated the same steps. I feel like I am talking to myself. But what other options do I have other than to persevere in prayer although more often than not, I feel that I am alone and only talking to myself.