I did not have any meals with rice for the past 2 days and I had a bad gastric pain yesterday afternoon. 6 antacids and 60mg omeprazole later, there was still discomfort and I kept rolling on the bed until don't know what time. Eventually I managed to fall asleep and I woke up without the pain. So at least my new year's eve is not ruined and I can feel less emo recalling my 2018.
Work
Work destroyed my life and I was overwhelmed with all the negativity that I cannot remember anything positive from it. I gained the experience of hiring, firing, doing appraisal, and promoting people and that was it. I had been wanting to leave the job since the last few years so I suppose finally God answered my prayers. No doubt I am angry and bitter of getting no promotion and lousier grade from the more work at the same pay grade in the past year but looking back, I am thankful for that final push to finally putting an end to this toxic and abusive relationship. I feel much happier and finally have a work-life balance with my new work so the past 3 months have been pretty great for me.
Finance
I am broke or I think definitely I am broke. With the sudden demise of my laptop, I basically lost the excel file of records of all my spendings since 2011. While I have some back up from my MoneyLover app, I am too lazy to rearrange the data into the excel file. The failure to do so definitely makes me lose track of my spending. Not to mention that I went to Japan twice this year and just paid for the next trip in April 2019 yesterday. Add on to the sudden surge on toys spending in December without the year end bonus after the job change.. Oh la la.. Let's shall not talk about money anymore. Haha..
Health
Let's talk about mental and physical health separately. Without exaggerating, I really think I was going insane before I changed job. It was not so much about the stress but more of the meaninglessness of what I did that all the stress was not worth it. Comparing to the work-life balance I enjoy now against the money, it is safe to say that I have learnt my priorities. Money and status cannot buy health or happiness or enjoyment in life.
Physically I have not been taking a good care of myself as much as I wish. I still go to gym regularly and definitely can feel that it helps with the muscle strength. My main goal of weight loss, however, is still a dream. I can't be disciplined with my diet and binge eating so gym only helps to prevent me from going over the 70s. Shudder.. Recently I hurt my back and I am not sure if it was from overexertion, from ergonomics with the recent change to a desk-bound job, or a combination of both.
Family life
Family life took a plunge this year. It is ironic considering I flew home a few times since my grandma and an aunt passed away this year. It is painful and disappointing when your family is not supportive in your difficulties. I gave up and if my family cares more about their work and money, so be it. Why should I bother? I have been away and living alone for so long anyway and they don't matter as I don't matter. Currently there is so much anger within me that I choose keeping quiet as the lesser of the two evils than to lash out. With fewer days of annual leave now, I do not know if I will ever spend holidays at home anymore. I find talking to my parents awkward now as they have made it clear repeatedly that money, status, and work are more important to them than my own well being.
Personal life
I usually dislike cliches but my 2018 experience proves that what does not kill me makes me stronger and I have to agree that I am a millennial after all. Haha.. It was such a difficult decision to quit my job because of the comfort zone, the money, and the status. I worked there for 6+1 years and there were some changes and legacies that I left behind. Not to mention that as a manager, there was some power and control that I had. In the end, I made the plunge to prioritise my happiness above all. The experience of quitting a job and starting fresh again will definitely be valuable. This is my first time after all so it will be less difficult to do it again in the future if the needs arise.
For a quick break before starting the new job, I went for a solo trip to Tokyo. Similarly, having done it the first time, it will be less difficult to do it again and hence I will be going to Japan again next year alone. I will try to be even more adventurous there: to visit a place I have not visited before and to find a local tour guide to accompany me.
So yeah.. who needs family or friends? They are all humans after all.. The one that I need and cannot run away is...
God
I was away from church since 2017 and I only returned after my life turned into shit. I started attending mass again in August as I was desperate to find for a new job (at that time I already made up my mind that I would quit without even securing a new job first). Looking back, perhaps everything that happened was God's call to return. That reason alone makes everything worth it. Call me naive but this is the very same reason that I tell myself to justify all my angst since being sent away to Singapore in 2002: at least it allows me to be a Catholic.
2018 is easily the worst year I had that I can remember. To confirm that, I read back my reflection posts from previous years and I chuckled at the irony that I said at the end of 2017: no way 2018 would be worse than 2017. 2018 is not a roller coaster but a nosedive for me. Everything just became super shit in the middle of the year. I am thankful that things are picking up again after I took the plunge to quit.
For the first time ever in my life, I just went to the end of year Thanksgiving Mass. Add in another cliche here: I will not know or appreciate happiness if I have not experienced shit. The Beatitudes was the Gospel reading today and it was the first time I could appreciate the irony behind all the "happy/blessed".
With that, I would like to prioritise the following in 2019:
1) Spirituality
I am not interested in getting married as I am too engrossed in making myself happy. At the same time, I am not interested in chasing after money or I have a calling to serve God. Honestly, I don't know what I want to do with my life. It is never a joke when I say I want to die because I am pretty happy and satisfied with my life now that life is simply going through the motion without any life goals.
2) Health
Let's start with zero bubble tea, followed by potato chips, and getting back to my L-men cereal as dinner. It is going to be difficult but I did it in the past so I can do it again if I am ready to be discipline again.
3) Finance
Aiyo, at the very least, try to tidy up the recording sia. It is not really about the money but the data will be a bearing on how damaged my diet and how crazy my toy spending are. With that, it will be another reminder to push my discipline for health.
I do not want to let work control me so I want to keep a low profile. As long as I earn enough and work does not affect my personal life, I am satisfied. For family, I give up hurting and trying. I will only pray that God will give them happiness that I cannot give.
Goodbye painful 2018 and I look forward to a better 2019.
Work
Work destroyed my life and I was overwhelmed with all the negativity that I cannot remember anything positive from it. I gained the experience of hiring, firing, doing appraisal, and promoting people and that was it. I had been wanting to leave the job since the last few years so I suppose finally God answered my prayers. No doubt I am angry and bitter of getting no promotion and lousier grade from the more work at the same pay grade in the past year but looking back, I am thankful for that final push to finally putting an end to this toxic and abusive relationship. I feel much happier and finally have a work-life balance with my new work so the past 3 months have been pretty great for me.
Finance
I am broke or I think definitely I am broke. With the sudden demise of my laptop, I basically lost the excel file of records of all my spendings since 2011. While I have some back up from my MoneyLover app, I am too lazy to rearrange the data into the excel file. The failure to do so definitely makes me lose track of my spending. Not to mention that I went to Japan twice this year and just paid for the next trip in April 2019 yesterday. Add on to the sudden surge on toys spending in December without the year end bonus after the job change.. Oh la la.. Let's shall not talk about money anymore. Haha..
Health
Let's talk about mental and physical health separately. Without exaggerating, I really think I was going insane before I changed job. It was not so much about the stress but more of the meaninglessness of what I did that all the stress was not worth it. Comparing to the work-life balance I enjoy now against the money, it is safe to say that I have learnt my priorities. Money and status cannot buy health or happiness or enjoyment in life.
Physically I have not been taking a good care of myself as much as I wish. I still go to gym regularly and definitely can feel that it helps with the muscle strength. My main goal of weight loss, however, is still a dream. I can't be disciplined with my diet and binge eating so gym only helps to prevent me from going over the 70s. Shudder.. Recently I hurt my back and I am not sure if it was from overexertion, from ergonomics with the recent change to a desk-bound job, or a combination of both.
Family life
Family life took a plunge this year. It is ironic considering I flew home a few times since my grandma and an aunt passed away this year. It is painful and disappointing when your family is not supportive in your difficulties. I gave up and if my family cares more about their work and money, so be it. Why should I bother? I have been away and living alone for so long anyway and they don't matter as I don't matter. Currently there is so much anger within me that I choose keeping quiet as the lesser of the two evils than to lash out. With fewer days of annual leave now, I do not know if I will ever spend holidays at home anymore. I find talking to my parents awkward now as they have made it clear repeatedly that money, status, and work are more important to them than my own well being.
Personal life
I usually dislike cliches but my 2018 experience proves that what does not kill me makes me stronger and I have to agree that I am a millennial after all. Haha.. It was such a difficult decision to quit my job because of the comfort zone, the money, and the status. I worked there for 6+1 years and there were some changes and legacies that I left behind. Not to mention that as a manager, there was some power and control that I had. In the end, I made the plunge to prioritise my happiness above all. The experience of quitting a job and starting fresh again will definitely be valuable. This is my first time after all so it will be less difficult to do it again in the future if the needs arise.
For a quick break before starting the new job, I went for a solo trip to Tokyo. Similarly, having done it the first time, it will be less difficult to do it again and hence I will be going to Japan again next year alone. I will try to be even more adventurous there: to visit a place I have not visited before and to find a local tour guide to accompany me.
So yeah.. who needs family or friends? They are all humans after all.. The one that I need and cannot run away is...
God
I was away from church since 2017 and I only returned after my life turned into shit. I started attending mass again in August as I was desperate to find for a new job (at that time I already made up my mind that I would quit without even securing a new job first). Looking back, perhaps everything that happened was God's call to return. That reason alone makes everything worth it. Call me naive but this is the very same reason that I tell myself to justify all my angst since being sent away to Singapore in 2002: at least it allows me to be a Catholic.
2018 is easily the worst year I had that I can remember. To confirm that, I read back my reflection posts from previous years and I chuckled at the irony that I said at the end of 2017: no way 2018 would be worse than 2017. 2018 is not a roller coaster but a nosedive for me. Everything just became super shit in the middle of the year. I am thankful that things are picking up again after I took the plunge to quit.
For the first time ever in my life, I just went to the end of year Thanksgiving Mass. Add in another cliche here: I will not know or appreciate happiness if I have not experienced shit. The Beatitudes was the Gospel reading today and it was the first time I could appreciate the irony behind all the "happy/blessed".
With that, I would like to prioritise the following in 2019:
1) Spirituality
I am not interested in getting married as I am too engrossed in making myself happy. At the same time, I am not interested in chasing after money or I have a calling to serve God. Honestly, I don't know what I want to do with my life. It is never a joke when I say I want to die because I am pretty happy and satisfied with my life now that life is simply going through the motion without any life goals.
2) Health
Let's start with zero bubble tea, followed by potato chips, and getting back to my L-men cereal as dinner. It is going to be difficult but I did it in the past so I can do it again if I am ready to be discipline again.
3) Finance
Aiyo, at the very least, try to tidy up the recording sia. It is not really about the money but the data will be a bearing on how damaged my diet and how crazy my toy spending are. With that, it will be another reminder to push my discipline for health.
I do not want to let work control me so I want to keep a low profile. As long as I earn enough and work does not affect my personal life, I am satisfied. For family, I give up hurting and trying. I will only pray that God will give them happiness that I cannot give.
Goodbye painful 2018 and I look forward to a better 2019.
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