Consultancy work

I get a taste of consultancy work this week. My boss is away and I got arrowed to represent her to meet an external partner. This IT company is preparing for a healthcare IT system and thus partner with my current company for the healthcare advice.

A part of me feels blessed that even though I am barely 1+ month old in this company, I receive the trust to be involved in this kind of thing. Another part of me feels that I still have a long way to go. During the first meeting on Tuesday, I felt awkward with all the introduction with the strangers and I think I am not someone who likes that kind of superficial pleasantries. I am a perfectionist and when I do not have 100% understanding of the material, I feel very self-conscious and lose confidence with myself. I need to learn and accept that noone has 100% knowledge and understanding for everything and I should have more confidence in myself since after all given the circumstances, I am actually the most familiar person with the materials although that familiarity is not 100%. Nonetheless, I cowered with the possibility of having to present a part for the actual tendering presentation on Monday and I told my boss to save me. Thank goodness the management eventually decided that our company should not be involved in the tendering as it may present a conflict of interest. After all, we are being approached for the advice/consultancy and not as a joint partner for the tender.

The political side of me actually felt irritated because during the CV submission, they looked down on me and my outpatient experience (as expected). So after not submitting my name as the consultant, why never ask the other person to go on my boss' behalf since her name is submitted? But never mind, I do not want to think too much over politics at work and I shall just enjoy 3 days out of office this week for the meetings with the IT company. Hehe..

Now I am very worried if they blame me if they lose tender sia.. I shall pray this Sunday that they get the tender and subsequently want me as the consultant la. Lol. Please God T_T