Epic fail

The final review for my project was completed on Wednesday and it ended with an epic fail. It certainly helped to be prepared to fail in the first place but I am not going to lie that I feel sad, angry, and disappointed. It is a shame to be a failure and thinking how much time and effort I spent in the past 6 months of this programme to just end with an epic fail, it hurts. I could have done something more fruitful.

What is worse than the failure itself is the fact that I sort of rocked the boat too much. I don't know if it is my (bad) luck to have the group quality chief as one of the assessors and the problem I want to address is deemed too serious and what I have done is simply not enough. Getting more support/help from relevant parties means causing other people now to take up this problem as theirs too. You can imagine how scare or serious things are if the quality director had to call me at the end of the day as there was a meeting on the following day to discuss about this bla bla bla.

I should be banned from leading a project as every time I lead, I always do something that upsets a lot of people. A few years ago I started a project about checking against hospital records and then another project to drive near misses reporting. After a few years, everyone had to follow suit and in that sense I was not wrong and I am doing the right thing. But it is always hard at the initial stage to fight bombs from all sides: "Why do you need to do this?", "Why do you need to make life difficult for everyone?", etc. Now that it is recurring again and it affects a bigger stakeholder, it is very scary.

Things got a bit emotional during Q & A because Q & A session is always like an attack and a defense. But after the Q & A, I actually spoke to all the assessors. After all, passing or failing this programme has no importance since it is not for masters or PhD. Lol. At the end of the day, I realise that I enjoy the ground problem solving and improvement work. I just hate the paper work part to meet certain criteria or methodology bla bla bla.

I presented the same sets of data during the mid-point review 3 months ago and there was no hoohah. I am more upset with the fact that only now suddenly there was a big hoohah that I needed more help from correct people bla bla bla. Why was this not done since 3 months ago?

I don't know how things will turn out next but at least for now I feel liberated. I have completed the promised 6 months commitment and I can't be bothered about what's next.

While I am not traumatised, I am upset enough and only today I feel that I have calmed down somewhat to write this blog. And it impacts me bad enough to make me considering changing job again. I may have an offer waiting and if really there will be an opening for that job, I will seriously considering. It is not easy to find another job at different field but without pay cut. The idealistic me prefers to change job with pay increase but with current happenings at work, even same pay is good enough to make me quit.