Pawn

People will call me dumb.. career suicide.. big mouth.. etc. I have to agree with the big mouth part though. Lol. Sometimes being too honest can be a bad thing but that is really me. I don't like to lie and sabo others just for my own benefits.Whatever others may say, I feel kinda liberated after saying what I am honestly feeling.

Today I told my branch manager that I have the thoughts of leaving although I do not have any solid plans yet. I have heard it previously but today was the first time that I 'officially' heard from her the plans that big bosses have for me: to train me up as future managers in anticipation of opening of new branches in few years time. That is nice of them and in return, I have to be nice also to tell them what I am thinking of so that they do not waste time and effort on me and in the end I really decide to leave.

There are a lot of things on my mind right now. If I am thinking about career progression etc, it is so easy to make a decision to stay on and just follow with everything. But on a more personal level, I know front line is not my passion and if I am committing myself to this, I am essentially committing myself to something I do not really like for the next few years. My passion is teaching and I enjoy doing things when the fruits of labour can be really felt. I do not get any sense of achievement when I do things just for the sake of meeting KPIs.

Still related to my pride, I bear some grudges. What's the point of doing so much and get little recognition while someone else gets promoted earlier although people do not know what the person has done. It is a big difference between "You have done well and I want you to be a manager" versus "I think you have a potential to be manager and I want to train you to be this or that". I don't mind with the first one but currently I am under the second circumstance. I am too proud and I refuse to be a pawn. I want to be myself. I do not want to be forced to change just so that I can be a manager that others want. I have been the 2nd most senior since 2 years ago and that was not even looked at all. I do not want to be "used" now only just because they have places to fill in few years time.

Haiz.. it seems that I still have yet to overcome the problem with my pride. But no matter what, I am not going to sell myself and my 'siao' personality just for career or money. After all if money is really all that I want, I might as well go sell my backside. That will be easier to earn money. Lol.