Pride

Every Sunday, I feel a great sense of achievement when I am able to go for mass. I can feel that with each week, the temptation to delay or even to skip mass is getting stronger. Devil is getting stronger and I have to consciously pray.. just to go to church. Bleah... It makes me realise that even for a simple thing like going to church, I can't do it alone.

I just realised that my prayer trend is usually only wishing for happiness and health. That's all. As much as I want to find a girlfriend, I realise that I don't pray for it. Even if I pray, I just say 1 line about it and move on. I don't know if I am ready for one to seriously ask God to guide me. I feel quite 'depressed' when I see my pretty girl friends are engaged and married and their husbands are ... erm... so so.. Haha... I mean I expected that these girls can find someone better looking, if I were to based it on looks. I guess this trend proves 2 things: pretty girls do not always look for hot + handsome guys and my "perfectionism" will just get me the leftovers =x I don't think I am prepared for a relationship yet because I am still selfish, I still need a lot of my "me time", and most importantly I feel that I am still poor. How can I provide another person (+ kids etc) when I don't think I have enough for myself? Gosh... If I tell this to someone, they will just ask me to pray and trust in God. The thing is I am not even prepared to take that step. I don't know if I pray and God does give me his best plan, am I ready?

I am back in office for the past 3 days and there are so many things that I need to do. There are things that I have not finished since December and there are more new things. I get upset and irritated with my colleagues. I know that perhaps my own pride is contributing to this. I feel that I am good, I am efficient, I am bla bla bla and I get upset that they are not as efficient as I am. I need time to do my own work which I can't get because of their inefficiency. When I am outside to work, I am efficient that they can just sit in office and do their own things. These are facts. A part of me feels that my own pride and sense of self-entitlement are rather disgusting but I really can't help myself from having these thoughts given the fact at work.

I have not matured because I am actually happy that my branch failed telephone audit. I am happy not because I am no longer in charge of customer service but I am gloating given the facts that the 2 years I was doing customer service, my branch never failed the audits and now that it is done by someone else, we failed. I know the boss will say that these kind of things are shared responsibilities bla bla bla but why should I be the evil one to do something which is not directly under my purview? I don't wanna be seen as a kaypoh anyway. I think deep inside me I still have bitter resentment. I tried my best to give my contribution and my honest input and in return, I only got criticised: always like to complain, being a negative person, unable to embrace change, etc. Well at least despite everything I said, I still did my best (although grudgingly) and I earned that KPI for you, ok boss?! Since you love those people who always paint you a good picture and the ideal -but unrealistic- condition, let's see how well they do their work.

Okay stop gloating.. better start preparing a script for confession for this coming Easter. Lol...