Selfish

There is a saying that parental love is the love most comparable to God's love which humans can experience on this earth before we see God face to face. No matter how noble parents are, ultimately they are still humans and humans are innately selfish. 

My parents are planning to buy the house next to mine with their retirement money. When I know the price of the house, I am quite shocked and I am very angry. They have enough money to purchase a condo for me here now. Moving back a few years, when SGD were not as expensive as today, their purchasing power was even bigger. Why didn't they buy a condo? Why must I waste my money for rental when I can use it to pay mortgage? Why must they blackmail me to become a PR etc? Why must I suffer as a nomad in a foreign land?

I am upset.. I am angry.. I am sick of listening to their complaining that their money is diminishing day by day. I had been telling them to just change their Rupiahs to SGD. With 1 SGD = Rp 7000 to 1 SGD = Rp 9000+ nowadays, imagine how their money would have multiplied if they had done so. After all, I am here staying in Singapore so the money cannot be wasted bla bla bla. I feel cheated. It seems that they are keep lying to me about my future etc. Yes, I am the bastard child who will rob my own parents' money so I should not be trusted with their money. I am very offended.

Seriously I don't know what I am feeling towards them now. For the past 11 years, it is as if I never got any of their money. All the money I got from scholarship was used for my living expenses and they would just top up whatever additional. If I want to be very selfish, it should be the other way around. They should pay for all my living expenses while all the scholarship money should be for my personal use. After all, it is parents' duty to pay for their kids' expenses as a student. They already did not pay for my studies, only topped up my basic living expenses, and did not really give me anything so what is their role as parents sia -_- Anyway, that was in the past. Now I am no longer a student and I can live independently. If I don't want to be selfish, I should not be bothered about their money etc. But again, I am still a human and I am still someone's child. I can't help but feeling selfish and angry at my parents.

Next time I will just ask them to shut their fucking mouth up when they talk about house or my future. Call me rude all you want. I am a bastard kid anyway.. Unloved, dumped, neglected, and sold to a foreign land. This just reinforces my thought that for those elderly neglected by their kids, perhaps they deserve it. If they love their kids, I am sure their kids will take care of them in the future. With all the negative emotion brewing inside, I honestly feel why should I bother about them? They brought me to this fucking world and gave me this fucking life. They took care of me for like perhaps 15 years of my life before throwing me away and selling me off to foreign land. Not sure if they really care about me or they just care about my studies bla bla bla.. Even up to now, I don't know if they really care about me. Have they ever imagined living a nomadic life for the past 11 years?

Bleah.. maybe I am writing crap! My mind is clouded with anger and it is a huge mess!