Empty head

Nightmare continues....
Prac tests this Tuesday and Friday
Drug quiz next Wednesday
Pharmaco CA next next Wednesday..

In the midst of my sad life, I shall share some good things.. Yeah.. lucky it was not all gloom and doom.

On Friday, I went with my year 1 friends to celebrate 2 girls' birthday. Haha.. going out with them is always refreshing and good. No talk about school stuff (even if they talk about their stuff, I won't be stressed up because I went through that stage already), lame jokes, crazy things we do, and basically having fun. Haha... Great time indeed.. Another celebration is coming up this saturday and I am really looking forward to it! Lol.. Drug quiz is hopeless so nevermind to lose one day for that.

I only slept for 4 hours for the past 24 hours. I just had CAC+us Angklung performance. That will be my final performance for this year. Yay.. less and less CCA commitment :) 'Wasted' 1 whole day but at least I finished 3 out of 4 practicals. Lol.. Can remember or not is another story yeah? It was a great performance.. seriously.. Haha.. and I had fun lol.. Surprisingly, the audience's response was overwhelming.. That's the irony about Angklung. The concert organisers always treat us like some shit group but the audience always loves us..

Talking about CCA, the cut off point for PGP this year is 31. Holy crap.. I am working like a dog for nothing.. Seeing at the bright side: next year I can slack.. I am very tired.. and thus I am bloody damn pissed with my incompetent and irresponsible committee.. Such a pain working for them..

Haiz... oh my oh my... I am complaining again.. I just receive a scolding from yesterday mass. I cannot recall what the whole homily was all about. But I remembered that the Priest said something about SOMEONE WHO COMPLAINS EVERYTIME ABOUT EVERYTHING OR ANYONE. Hmm.. That's so ME!! No wonder I feel that my life is lousy... I wish I have never been born..

Oh.. almost forgot about Earth Hour. I did switch off my everything for 1 hour. :D

Totally fucked up

I'm in total mess.. Everything turns out wrong.. and I don't know how to describe what I am feeling already.. Sadness, disappointment, anger, madness, all mixed together. And I really have nothing/nowhere/nobody to vent my feelings at..

The test today was a big fucked up. Whoever made the question, I curse you to have a fucked up life for the rest of your time on this earth. I was really exploding.. I really wanted to punch the bus window and bang my head at it.. Sigh... I threw my bag and it did nothing to alleviate my pain. I really don't know... Haiz... Studied very hard.. but all is useless.. Thanks to the fuckers who made the test. FUCK YOU!! Confirm fail... Shit.. I really am not interested in doing what I am learning. I wonder whether I have the choice not to do attachment. I don't need to be registered to be some dumb fucker expected to remember things that can be read off from medicine boxes .. Nor am I willing to remember things which patients don't even bother to know.. Haiz.. School system is a failure.. Sec sch and JC education kill the students in exam to help them for the final exams.. But what does university provide? Kill the students literally. Testing things which are useless in the future.. I am in wrong course... wrong school.. wrong country.. wrong life perhaps...

Tomorrow I have another test. I gave it up already.. I didn't bother to read the textbook. F and so be it.. Still can S/U.. Unlikely to get a U...

I played game.. Even game irritated me.. Could not beat the boss after trying 3 times.. Haiz.. I run out of stuff to lift up my spirit.. How then am I suppose to carry on living?

School sucks...
Entertainment sucks...
Life sucks...

Lab test is coming.. I will surely break the fucking microscope if I cannot do. Someone/something must really pay for the state I am already in right now..

I am losing self control. I want to shout and scream at people. Well, I did shout and curse loudly in supermarket today. Nobody knows me so who gives a damn..

Vices of school...

During reading week or any test preparation, the life cycle is only sleep - eat - study - sleep - eat study.. The tendency to be very lazy is so huge.. Any random news in newspaper or internet suddenly becomes very interesting. Basically everything becomes more interesting than lecture notes.

As the exam comes nearer and as an immense amount of time has been wasted to study, the lust to grab all the A+ is just too great.

After doing exam, my heart swells with pride. "Oh yeah.. The paper wasn't bad. I could get all the A+ and my awards".

When results are out, wrath takes over. "How the F can I not getting my A+? What a lousy teacher I have."

Mix envy to the feelings when seeing other people are the ones snatching away your A+ and A. "Why are these people doing so well? Dammit!! Doing well is not the issue. The issue is doing better than me! Oh well, I hate smart people.. especially those smarter than me!"

Okay.. exam/tests are over now. I shall enjoy good buffet and shop like mad to soothe my aching heart T_T Well, even if I am getting my A+, I will still indulge to celebrate my achievement.

And then come the realisation that I am too poor to buy anything. I want to buy this expensive toy, want to eat that expensive food, want to get that latest gadget and the list goes on.. I wish I have more money. Yah... I wish I am born with a golden spoon and can just buy anything I want.. Money money money is all that matters...


That explains why I feel that my life is so empty and useless... I have been spending my last 6 years of my life in endless cycles of the 7 deadly sins..

NB: I am damn bored.. and so lazy to study for my drug test.. and utterly disappointed that the bloody Cabal failed me when I went to Lake.. Holy crap... played for hours without any DC.. enter the lake and tada... DC..

Cannot >.<

Cannot remember...

I

JUST

CANNOT

REMEMBER

I am bored.. I am tired.. And I just cannot remember whatever I have memorised and what I am memorising..

School is just a waste of time..

....

I am feeling better now. Better but not back to original state of mind. I don't know whether it is because of the Homily today or it is because I am too tired to feel sad+angry+disappointed for more than 1 week already.

Still bad weeks are here to come. 2 tests next week. Lab test next next week. Then next next next next week there will be another drug test. And I don't know which next next ... week the second Pharmaco test. I really have no drive to study.. What on earth am I studying for? And what on earth am I living for? Sigh.. I seriously unmotivated. I cannot remember the things I am memorising (now I understand why a senior always says there is an eraser in her head). Poor memory is one thing but I totally don't like doing what I am doing right now. Preceptorship is coming very soon and I am very worried about it. I think I will just drug my customers to death and then I will be sued and get jailed. Sad life.. Must know how to recognise symptoms, must memorise what diseases, what to give, what/when not to give. It's as good as a doctor making a diagnosis already.. Then why the pay is disgusting low? Oh well, even if the pay is high, I still won't enjoy this kind of thing.. I rather go to industries even though my Biotech test went absolutely off tangent.

PGP is also giving me a headache. I am not revering to P glycoprotein by the way.. My residence will be closed for the holiday and yes I have to move to another room even though it is for vacation stay. Holy crap! I don't want to count how many times I have to pack and unpack this holidays. Sad life..

Why is everything going wrong in my life nowadays? Haiz... School, CCAs (I am too lazy to blabber about them), friends, family life, faith.. Haiz.. I guess my first sentence is wrong. I am not feeling better. I just feel SLIGHTLY better :(

Shiiiip

I'm like a ship losing direction, without anchorage, in a stormy seas right now. Nope, it is not because I play Battle Stations too much.. Haiz... I never felt this shitty and low.. Yesterday I had a glimpse of hope for the remarking of my drug quiz. Yeah it was remarked, but it still could not save my sorry ass. I am just stupid. I know it..

The biggest blow came after Biotech test today. Sigh.. So many things I don't know how to answer. I got the short question wrong. I know the damn trypsin cut at arginine and lysine but I didn't know that it cut at the C-terminal. That means I had been remembering the wrong things and why the hell the enlightenment that I got was during reading the notes AFTER the paper. Sigh... It will be a miracle if I can get 40 :( but even if I get above 40, it will still be disappointing..

Haiz.. when did the last time I cry? I didn't even cry when my English was C6 in sec 3. I didn't even cry when my Prelim Higher Malay was C5 plus a B4 for my history (the worst ever for both). The pain was at least alleviated with a 7 aggregate and a miraculous A2 for my English that time. But this time?? There is nothing to make me happy.. I cannot believe that I actually shed my diamond-precious tears for school stuff.. So not worth it....

My faith is really crushed.. I guess that is the reason why I am feeling so down.. I know I am stupid. I cannot do it alone without divine intervention. Ironically, this is just more apparent right now.. It's very hard for me to return to pray anyway. I am just too disappointed. I study, I study HARD even though I may not study the HARDEST way, I tried my best, I did everything.. But I just cannot do it alone.. No help given to me also. Is there even any benefit to spend my time asking? Oh whatever..

People come and go...
Things do not last forever...
Only God is steady...
But when I already lose even the steady One, what else do I have to rely on?

This gift of life has been a curse. If I die now, I will surely go to hell. If I stay alive, I remain in living hell.. Which is the lesser evil? The answer is: Pharmaco test tomorrow...

Wrong course

School is battering my self-confidence again and again.. After the pathetic showing of Pharmacy Practice II, my Natural Heritage result also didn't correspond to the confidence I had after the paper. Sigh... Is it something wrong with me? Or is there something wrong with the computer? Sucks sucks sucks..

The nightmarish week is finally here. Biotech test on Tuesday and Pharmaco on Wednesday. Lucky the Pharmacy Practice II Quiz II is pushed back by a week. Cannot imagine if it is not. Lol.. Oh well.. I am hoping to do well for Biotech. It is not as bad as the lectures after I try to study the notes. Haha...

Pharmacy Practice I and II: Did badly for I and doing badly for II. Retail is out for me
Pharmacology: Struggling even to memorise things. Will also do badly. No hospital for me
Which is why I am banking on Biotech to save me, my dream, and my future... If industry is also not suitable for me, I don't know what else to do -_-.. Marketing? My Econs was not bad last sem.. Sigh..

School really stresses me up.. In fact, I jumped out of my bed this morning because of a nightmare: Adrenergic is included for Wednesday's test. Lucky it was only in my dream...

Everything sucks!!

Everything sucks!!

My CCAs suck.. That's my conclusion. Final CCA point: 43. I will be damned if the cut off is again 45 like last year. I am so gonna change my CCA and basically be phantom for the rest of this semester. Sigh.. my angklung has a 7 point event which requires me to spend $24.. Lol.. Who will buy the ticket lah.. Haiz.. My NUH cca does not give me any point (wth) but I magically have an item from NUSSU IRC IED. I don't know what the hell that is but since it's only 4 points, it's as good as useless.

School sucks too.. I was so stressed and tired this morning that I lost my appetite. I guess it was more due to low energy as after I had a meal, I felt better. Next week will be tough. 2 CAs.. I only 'finished' one. I shall start on the other one tomorrow. My SOAP presentation was done today (fiuh...). It was fantastic and mission to make people laugh was accomplished. I don't bother about the mark.. And the teacher said I was MATURE!! OMG!! An adjective I never expect to be used on me. Haha.. I am expecting a CHILDISH. Lol.. But the happiness was killed because of the quiz 1 result. I am so disappointed. I really felt I did okay.. But why the result is so shit? Fuck la!! Oh yeah... My languange is just getting worse nowadays.. I totally lost my drive to study... Sigh.. The one I was quite confident got something close to failing.. then how about my CAs next week. I cannot even remember the things.. Many I don't understand.. Such a disappointment..

God, you suck!! If You think the bad result will make me study, You are totally wrong. I don't give a damn about school anymore lah.. Damn it.. Tomorrow I shall skip guest lecture and I am contemplating to skip Friday's tutorial. At this rate, the possibility that I will be rude to the tutor is so imminent. Haiz...

Skipping class... Plummeting results.. Stressed and depressed... It's just a step closer to stabbing someone and jumping of a building.. Perhaps I need a counselling... or I just need to quit school

Life sucks..

Everything sucks...

after 2 weeks..

First proper post in 2 weeks. Haha.. I have been too busy playing games. Well CCA season is over (I am left with one more performance) and I can finally (and sadly) focus on my studies. It is great to have CAs 2 weeks after the mid-sem break. At least I could enjoy and slack through the holiday (while other people were having a headstart in their mugging).

First day of break was wasted for the 2 projects. Well, they are over now and at least only a day was wasted.

Second day was good. I had a lunch before a friend flying back to Aussie. It was at Magic Wok (near City Hall), a Chinese-Thai restaurant, which surprisingly is quite cheap for a place located near CBD. In the evening was a friend birthday celebration. That was the first time I went all out for a meal at Marche. Lol. I had sausage, pork steak (urgh... cannot beat beef or chicken) and a dumb mango crepe which cost me $7.90 (shared it with another 2 friends). Maybe their mangoes were from outer space. After that, we all played bridge until 11+ haha.. It was quite funny because I kept getting the same person as a partner.

Third day coincided with Ash Wednesday. I had a mass at Staff Club. And after that... Play lor..

Thursday was for YEP post trip: painting. Hoho.. Since there were too many people, it was quite slacking. But still, another day was used up.

Friday was for my dental. And I stayed at Coffee Bean to do my microbio lab report. Kind of a sad holiday right? Haha..

Due to my slacking, now I have so much to catch up. And surprise: Biotech is having a CA too. Lol... Die.. I am doing Pharmacology now.. still in my 4th chapter (out of 11)... Thank God drug test is pushed back by a week. I must juggle my Pharm Prac presentation this coming Wednesday too. Haiz... Okay at least no more CCA.

And I want to complain about the dumb CCA point system. I cannot believe it that 5 days of OGL-ing earned me the same point as going for few hours of painting or few hours of industrial trip. And the so many hours to prepare for YEP is equivalent to 10mins of Angklung performance. Something is seriously fucked up with the system. Walawe... I just hope I can secure a place for next academic year.

I had a nightmare on Friday. I seriously loathe Pharmacology now. So far the tutors have been horrible. Curse them la!! They are doctors so what? Go eat crap la -_- Saboed me to draw (sigh.. last time I drew for Physio II) and said I was not serious in my answer. A s s h o l e. I seriously had no idea to answer his "out of the box" (out of nowhere) question so I smoked instead of keeping quiet. What was the bastard's reply? "You are not taking this seriously." Gah... F him la!! Lol.. I guess I am in the correct school. If I am a medical student maybe I cannot tahan my teachers and stab them liao. And trust me, my stab won't miss the vital parts. Ohohoho...The only nice one among pharmaco tutors so far is the Pharmacy graduate. No wonder. (Oh God.. forgive me for the extreme rude and crude language I use in this paragraph.. I cannot find a better way to describe my anger)

I watched Watchmen too. Sigh.. I was dissapointed. Not as what I expected. And I really had a bad feeling for at least 1 day after the movie. But well, this morning I had a good dream, even though it was so unlike me. I was swimming in a lake (that was like duh.. I cannot and will not swim) but I can remember that even in my dream I was scared that I would drown. But well, I swam. Hoho. After that, the lake suddenly changed to a swimming pool. Lol... Then I was running through a forest and I reached my campus. Hahaha... So lame.. But even though I ran so far, I was not sweating. And I took over a bunch of students running up the PGP slope. (While I don't usually sweat a lot, the fact that I ran tirelessly is still very laughable).

I was late for church again this morning. Haiz... The dumb bus was late for 10 mins. Wasted my running from my room to the bus stop. I had to run to the church too and it was already Gospel Acclamation. Super late -__- I picked up the Catholic News (woo... I took the last fifth in the stack) and I found a very interesting article. A papal theologian said that men and women experience sin differently. Men are more susceptible to lust followed by gluttony, sloth, wrath, pride, envy, and greed. While for females, pride is the first, followed by envy, wrath, lust, gluttony, and sloth (the greed is missing?). What does this mean? This means I am a female!! Lol.. Why? Because I think I am arrogant (I always think I am right) = pride, I am super envious (that explains green as my favourite colour haha), and I cannot control my anger (I always get moody and exhibit attitude problem). Erm... those are the top 3 for females. Lol... I think the article is not reliable!! Lol...