Monday, April 16, 2018

Weekend at Pontianak

Last December, I had a thought of spending a weekend during this April holiday at Pontianak since I will be taking 2 weeks of leave. The idea was short of shelved as I had the idea of spending a week escaping to Japan. When I came back, my dad asked me if I wanted to go over the weekend. I dislike going to Pontianak but I am okay if it is just for one night.

I heard my grandma has been in declining health for the past 3 weeks. I saw the blood test results and I personally feel that my uncle and aunties are just making a big fuss. Humans are just no numbers. She has not been eating well so it is not unexpected that the albumin is lower than normal. Liver function tests show elevation but as long as not >3x upper normal limit, usually there is nothing much to worry. I do not how a d-dimer test was done and that becomes the main problem. The elevated number suggests risk of clot but as far as I know d-dimer is used to confirm any embolism / DVT / clotting events or DIC and not to be used to say "Oh high d-dimer means blood is thick and needs a blood thinner". I can understand people are concerned etc so perhaps I am a bit heartless here having met and reviewed a lot of elderly at work: my grandma is 101 years old this year, the purpose should be palliative and to ensure good quality of life until the end. We should expect that all humans eventually die and I do not like to see her being "tortured" in the sense that being forced to eat and drink. I heard she was given clopidogrel once and the next day the blood test showed even higher d-dimer so everyone was even more scared. Haiz.. don't play with drugs lah.

On Saturday, my grandma condition was as usual: one moment she remembered me and the next moment she forgot. One reason I hate going to see her is because of this. I do not know if I am there is making her more stressed trying to remember who I am. I do not know if she is hard of hearing or she cannot understand when she does not respond.

On Sunday, for the first time it seemed that she was temporarily back to her old self before the dementia is as bad as now. Not only she remembered me, she could speak like the olden days: she was telling all of us could go out for dinner and she would take care of the house, she said she liked bakkwa that I usually bring from Singapore, and she even gave me angpau. It has been years since I saw her like this so it was very nice. Previously she always cried when we wanted to go back to airport as she felt people were leaving her. This time, she was like her old self as she knows that we do not live there and we will definitely go back home after a few days there. I do not know if this would be my last memory with her but if it is, at least it is a happy one. I did not even bother when my uncle and my dad were recording my interaction with her.

At this age I really feel like I just want to be a hermit. I am lazy to entertain those questions about girlfriend, wedding, future, etc. Deep inside I don't have any willingness to live long. I am so tired of living and that is why I am so lazy to commit myself to long term stuff. Not to mention that obviously I am still having a childish and egoistical thoughts of thinking only about myself. Like that how to even have the heart to care for others.. Haiz.. thinking about these things only make me more emo.

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