Tuesday, February 14, 2017

Not my choice

I was so sick on Sunday that I literally spent my whole day on bed and on toilet bowl. I suppose it was because I did not have any proper meal on Saturday. I actually only had a Starbucks beef pie as my meal for the whole day. I had Deliveroo to deliver my lunch and dinner for Sunday. I decided to take charcoal before bed as I did not want to take MC yet. However for some reason, I could not fall asleep at all. I was considering to take Anarex but I knew it was going to be useless with charcoal. So I still had the strength to work yesterday, I tried to have enough rest from 8pm last night, but this morning I simply could not take it anymore. I feel so lightheaded and 'flying'. It is as if my brain is trying to fly away and my skull is trying hard to prevent it.

If I have the same mental strength as yesterday, I would still force myself to work. But after what happened yesterday, sigh.., I decided to just slack today. I am so tired of the rat race, comparison, competition, awards, etc. Externally, I can project as if I do not give a damn about these things, that I just cannot be bothered, and that I just want to slack with my work. But deep inside me, a storm is raging. It is just part of me to always want to be the best and to put in the best in everything that I do. But what can I do about it? I am born this way. I am born with this personality.

Awards etc are usually intended to reward people who have done well. It is not meant to be a competition. Again, it is my problem who views them as goals to be achieved. Who else to blame but myself? My type A personality wires me to think and approach things this way. My mind creates own pressure and stress. When I don't get it, I start cursing myself: why am I so stupid? why am I so lousy? why are others better than me?

Last year I nominated my staff and she won it. This year I could not find any deserving staff so I nominated myself. Yes, I am shameless to admit that I am expecting myself to win. I even made changes to my plans so that I can be present on Thursday because it would be awkward not to be there to receive. Now I am just left with bruised ego and disappointment. Sigh.. fml.. It is actually just a simple thing. Nobody will care whether I get it or not not. There is not any money anyway. But again, that competitive drive is what ultimately will destroy me slowly.

What a sad valentine's day when I even hate myself. I do not choose to be born this way. I do not choose to be this way. Even if I try to choose my words and actions, I cannot choose and stop all these thoughts appearing in my mind. I am so tired and sick of myself. Don't even think about loving other human when I can't even love myself.

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