Friday, October 28, 2016

14 years later

That day of the year comes again.. 14 years being independent, sacrificing my youth, happiness, and humanity, and what do I get in return? I am becoming more ruthless, selfish, and unfeeling. I doubt that I can ever have a girlfriend, wife, or family. I don't think I can ever love others except for myself.

The only consolation to sustain me is the acknowledgement that I would never become a Catholic if I never left home. It seems that thought is unable to sustain me anymore. I simply cannot be bothered about my life anymore. I have had enough and I really don't mind dying now. No guarantee that I will end up in heaven with the kind of life I live, but I am so sick of my current life. Anyway, I am not being suicidal. I am just prepared and hoping to die, rather than to live. Now that the words from a responsial psalm completely makes sense: 
"Oh that today you would listen to His voice, harden not our hearts."

Yes, I really feel that my heart is hardened now. There is no point living in the past and thinking of 'what if's and 'what could have been's but that is the only thing that can make me going for now.

Today was not as bad as I expected as work was unexpectedly not crowded and my movie kakis suddenly wanted to watch Dr Strange. Usually they are price-sensitive but the pre-holiday mood and the overall slack feeling made them okay to pay almost double of the usual Tuesday rate. Haha.. I shall write about the movie tomorrow. Now my gastric is acting badly and it really reminds me of my hernia episode 2 years ago :(

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